Joint Custody and Kids Clothes

The new wife just wants to start trouble. She's jealous that you are the girls mom and she's not. I'd give the things back with a smile and say "oh I didn't realize these came from dads house" and just go on my way.

I've heard this alot. I can sort of understand it, but at the same time she bought the clothes for the kids and the kids took it home. What is she going to do? Have the kids change clothes before they come back to you?

If you want to be the bigger person about it, you could just this once make an effort and send some of the things back. Just this once.

If you don't want to be the bigger person, you could send her a list of your kids favorite toys and such so that she can go out and buy them for her house and then you don't have to worry about carting them back and forth. Think of all the suitcase lugging you'll save!

Hugs
M.

You are not being petty. A friend of mine went through the same thing. Your girls need clothes in both homes. If they "need" something while they're with their father then he should get it for them. I'm not sure how much of a rucus you want to cause, so maybe you could send some of the things with a note explaining that your girls need shoes, socks and hair bows at your house too. It's about providing for the girls not about who bought what! I'm sorry about your situation. Stay strong for your girls. Sending hugs your way.

of COURSE you are hurt by the way things went down. my personal opinion, IF this was "true love" and ex and new wife did things with good intentions, she would leave you alone as much as possible. Kinda sounds like she has to rub it in your face and find ways to annoy you. do they have other 4 and 5 year old girls they are using these clothes for? shouldn't the clothes go with the children, be where the kids are? does it really matter which house they sit in?

having said that, be the bigger person, send the clothes, and know that she's being the petty witch (or the both of them) and your daughters will see you deal with this with dignity and class and respect you more for it. don't give anyone any ammunition to use against you later on. they did this to YOU, you didn't do anything wrong. keep it that way. it will be hard but just scream into your pillow. nothing is worth lowering yourself to their level. you will absolutely regret it later if you do.

Ugh, as a child of divorce, please keep in mind it is your children that matter the most. Always try to take the high road. I am sure you do, but always try to stop and think how is the best way to handle this for the children?

None of us know the new wife so it is hard to know why she would be doing this, instead speak with your husband about the note and explain to him that if your children wear something home that their father gave them, you will try to encourage the kids to take them back when they go back to the other house.

Also explain that since the kids decide what they are wearing each day, it is sometimes, hard to encourage them to wear those clothes on the day they will be back at their dads house. Just like when they wear the clothes you purchased..

Instead it would be easier if all clothing/toys/books whatever, could just belong to the kids so the kids can feel free and comfortable choosing and wearing what they feel on any day ether it is dads week or moms week.

Encourage your husband to speak with his wife about these types of communications.. Take the high road and say "I am sure she did not realize, the kids and I are pretty rushed every morning, we do not consider who gave them what outfit, the kids just pick what they want to wear on their own."

Be the gracious "first wife". Let her be the "other woman" who will probably will never truly trust your ex, since he left his family for her. When he marries the nice 3rd wife, you will probably all get along great..
Hee, hee..

Call your ex and talk to him about the items. No, you are not being petty, however, this issue can lead to more problems down the road if you don't set some rules. I agree with the posters that said that step-mom is trying to stir trouble. She should not have sent you a list--your ex should have contacted you. I went through a similar situation with my ex and his wife too, so I can relate to what you are going through. Here's what worked for my situation: Both my ex and I decided to have our own separate wardrobe for our daughter at each of our homes. I'd send her in an outfit and she would return in the same outfit, vice versa, after the visit. It made for less baggage in the car and I didn't have to wash clothes when she was returned. That way, if I buy something nice, I don't have to worry about it going to my ex's house and coming back smelling smokey. I know it may sound cumbersome to some, but that's how it works in some two-home situations. As the girls get older though, they will want to take items back and forth, so you have to have rules as to what stays and what can go. It can get very expensive to replace things and we found it better to just keep separate stuff at each house. Also, if you do decide to just send your things with them, you could stock up on things by buying stuff at consignment shops or yard sales, so it won't cost you as much. Keep the good stuff at home and send them with the not so good stuff to their dads.

Hope this helps,

M

You've got the right attitude. The girls need what they need when they need it, regardless of who bought the stuff.
Sit and talk to your ex (if that's feasible) and explain that to split hairs over a $2 hair ribbon is NOT in the best interest of your kids.
You are the mom and he is the dad. Come to agreements with him.
This is a symptom of a larger issue going on--most likely the new wifey's insecurities. always take the high road.
I disagree with the advice to fire back a list of your own. Don't sink to her level!

Hi A., My husband and I both have ex's. I didn't read your prior responses but what we do is whatever clothes, undies, socks, shoes, hairbands, hats, coats, etc. are on the kids when we get them, they wear that exact outfit back to the other parent next time they are to see them. That way we ALWAYS have our clothes and never have to worry about it. We went thru a huge issue as well with not getting "our" items back and this has solved it for everyone! Good luck to you and sorry you are going thru this!

I don't know what the exact solution to this needs to be. But my main concern is this...please do not make your girls a battleground between yourself, their Dad and his new wife. I say this because I have had to sit by and watch for the past 10 years at work as a co-worker and her ex ( and his new, very bitter and vindictive wife!!) have used a little boy ( now a young man) as a battering ram to try and beat each other up with!! My heart goes out to this little boy, he is MISERABLE while he is at his Daddy's house because the new wife is so concerned that somehow this child will take the place of her children that he basically spends the entire time sitting in his room. The victim of all of this is going to be this young man, he is already bearing scars that he will carry with him for the rest of his life. I am not trying to say that you or your ex are doing this, I am just telling this as a cautionary tale.
That being said, I wonder if you just need to have 2 sets of clothes, one at Mom's house, one at Dad's. Sounds silly doesn't it, but it might be a way to avoid problems and also take a bit of pressure off of you, since you wouldnt have to worry about what you needed to pack up to send back with the children when it is Dad's turn to have them.
I am sure that tensions are pretty high between you and your ex ( it would be off the charts with me if my husband divorced me one week and married someone else the next!!!) so maybe you need to make use of a 3rd party, a counselor, a pastor, someone that both of you trust and respect. They might be able to make each of you look at things in a new way and if your ex doesn't already realize it, make him see that his main goal needs to be not what hair bows are in his home but how happy and well adjusted his children are!!
Good luck to you, this is going to be a difficult situation until your girls are grown.

Hi A.,

I completely relate to the stepmother here.

I am the stepmother of 7 and 13 year old girls. My husband and I are continually buying games, clothes and shoes. We have the girls 2 nights per week and every weekend.

We buy them things so they have nice stuff while they are in our home. Often the girls want to take the new games, clothes, and shoes back to their mother's house.

Initially we allowed this. I also made sure that the clothing they arrived in was laundered and returned on their next visit.

The problem is, the mother never reciprocated. We were left with insufficient clothes for them at our house. Then they were "bored" because they had taken all the new games to their mother's and not brought them back. So it would be our problem to buy replacements, and sort entertainment. No easy task with kids thaat want something new evry week.

So, what to do? We have labelled all the clothes that we have purchased with a laundry marker. We now return the girls home in the previous outfit they wore to our house.

Now the mother is sending back old, small, stained items, which we have not purrchased. I am going to make an unpopular statement here and say that my husband provides adequate child support, and we do the right thing by the girls and keep good quality clothing stocked here for their use. It costs us as much, if not more than their mother.

With all this in mind, what right does the mother have to deny the children access to these items when they are at o house by keeping them all at her house? Surely setting basic rules and guidelines regarding toys, clothing and shoes means that the children have access to items they enjoy in BOTH homes, not just one.

The fact that you have a stepmother who is working with you in this regard is a blessing, not a curse. She will return the favor and then the kids will have access to items they enjoy, no matter where they are.

You three are just playing tic-tac-toe. Why don't you tell her to keep the things she buys at her house before returning the girls to you. Do the same at your end this only gives her the opportunity to purchase more of their needs while the girl are at their place. She's being silly and childish. What does your ex have to say about this?

You need a good long talk for the girls sake.

I have been wondering about the same thing. My es and I have been doing a 'kid house' for almost a year, where he and I are the ones who move weekly and the kids stay put. In a few months we will have two separate residences and the kids will be the ones moving, what I have pretty much decided on (since I know dad will be petty about what shoes, clothes, etc, his mom paid for-he already took their winter coats~that I paid for~ so he could be sure 'mom wouldn't do something with them' before it gets cold again, ugh) is that I will be making sure the kids are wearing what they were wearing when they came over...one switch day outfit...that way I can't as easily be accused of stealing their clothes. And as they grow, I'll even be willing to provided that outfit because I simply do not feel like dealing with their father's pettiness.

Well she gave YOU a list...you give HER one too! List items that go with the girls' to their house that you want back.
This is an issue I hear about a lot from my friend who are divorced. They buy the clothes kids wear them once or twice,wear them to dad's/mom's and don't see them again.
I would think the "new wife" would be this way because now "they" are paying for stuff..Good for you for not caring one way or another but hey you can't have all the kids stuff go to their house..and be returning stuff back to them! Pretty soon you won't have anything at your house.
I would say something like "I'm glad you made me this list, it is a good idea!" So I too will be including a list every week of the items I send with the girls that NEED to be returned every week. Let her deal with hassle of finding and repacking stuff too! It is funny how people expect you to do something, but when asked to do the same, their list of demands drop considerably! If something is not returned call her immediately and point it out and that you WILL be picking it up at the next drop off.
Good Luck, I know you're hurt and confused..but don't lie down and just take it!! HE left you and remarried in a short amount of time you shouldn't be the only one to have to make all the adjustments!!

I know this is really but had to say something. As a stepmother who has done this to the mother (who by the way is also incredulous as to why I would), I feel the need to defend stepmothers against the ignorance in many of these answers. In my situation the father and I buy the vast majority of my stepdaughters clothes and she always insists on bringing brand new things to her moms. They hardly ever come back and if they do they are destroyed. Nearly everytime she comes back I have to take her out shopping again because she only brings back worn dirty seasonally inappropriate clothes that often don't fit. Her mother hasn't bought her coats, foot wear, underwear or socks in well over a year. We can no longer afford to not insist she brings back the things we bought her. So before jumping all over the step mother consider that there might be another side to this story.

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. What I can tell you as the child of divorsed parents who both remarried while I was very young, it's very important that you "play nice" even if she doesn't. It will impact your kids. If they like her, they will grow to resent you if they think you don't like her. If they don't like her, it's still important for you to be nice since your girls are watching and learning from you. If she is truely an evil step-mother, your children will figure that our for themselves..... Especially if you are super nice to her all the time and she is obviously the mean one!! In the meantime.... to avoid future issues with you having stuff that she bought, here's what you can do.... In a very, very, very nice way, approach her and hand her the bag of stuff she requested from the list, then say you have an idea to prevent this from happening again. Ask that the girls be sent to you with just the clothes on their backs and not pack a bag (not sure if they have been packing a bag) and you will do the same when they go to his house. As soon as the girls undress for bath/bed, put ALL of their clothes (including socks, underwear and hair bows) in a bag. That bag sits for the week while they are with you and gets returned to the stepmom. Yes, it's gross for dirty clothes to sit in a bag for a week, but it's the best case solution. If you both agree that specific underwear and socks will never be something you want back then you can leave those out of the bag--and in that case it's really not a big deal to have a bag with dirty shirt and pants or a dress for a week. Then you hand over the bag when you hand over the kids, and she hands over the same when they come to you. OR, take note of what they are wearing when they come to you, wash it, and have them wear it on the day they are returned to him, including hair bows.

Oh my gosh, my ex's future wife does the same thing! It's so annoying! Honestly I just pack it up and send it back and let my ex know that he has several items of mine as well... I hate doing that - my daughters stuff is "her" stuff..... but, if I return all the stuff they bought and don't get anything back she won't have anything, lol. Also, I'm curious to find out how you manage a 1 week / 1 week visitation schedule when you guys live in different states?? Can you msg me and let me know?

Just send her a message in email or leave her a phone message when you know she's not home that says you'll be happy to get right on that as soon as you get a box of all the things that you have purchased which are currently at her house.

If she wants to start this sort of thing, fine, but she needs to start it by putting her actions and cost of postage first. If she manages to do so, then return the favor.

And look at it this way. Custody is about to change with the need for a consistent school year. It will get less annoying before long.