Jr. High 2 Day Trip Concerns Me Because My Daughter Is Being Bullied

Insist to be allowed to go. If the school isn't going to bother to hold the teachers' feet to the fire, then they can bloody well be bothered to get more tickets.

Be tough. This girl and her friend need to learn that they cannot act this way. Tell them point blank before they even start this stuff up how they are expected to act. As a chaperone, you are expected to make them toe the line.

She wants to go so let her go. There will always be mean girls. Mean is different than bullying. Go over some scenarios with her. You cannot accompany her all over throughout school, so it she is ready to handle this, support her decision.

The plan you have -- insisting on being a chaperone -- sounds brilliant.

I especially love this because it's what your daughter asked for. So you're honoring her wishes, which empowers her in a disempowering situation.

I also recommend -- before or after the trip -- sitting down with the principal and telling him/her exactly what you've told us here. A lot of parents struggle with how to articulate a bullying situation. But the way you articulate it is clear, thoughtful, and to the point. The principal needs to know about / understand this.

Insist on going and offer to pay your own way. Your daughter wants to go and you need to make sure she's not being picked on the entire time.

I think someone needs to sit the mom down and explain that not being religious the entire time has nothing to do with her daughter's behavior. Her daughter needs to learn how to treat other people and it's not up to the church or anyone else to allow this behavior.

Why don't you go with her? Pay your own way and go...if the teachers are NOT doing anything to prevent it...stand up.

You don't state what the bullying is.

Why not go to the parents of the bully and talk to them directly? Why not take the bull by the horns?

It also sounds like they need more chaperones...two parents for for 24 kids? I know that doesn't include the teachers...but still...INSIST on going and paying your own way.

TEACH your daughter how to defend herself. DO NOT allow her to be a victim. Get her into classes like Tae Kwon Do - it will improve her self-esteem. Maybe consider a therapist or counselor who has experience in developing self-esteem????

Good luck!

You go along and pay your own way.
Your daughter won't miss out and the bully will most likely behave.
If she doesn't behave well, you might have the basis for the complaint which will her earn her the suspension she's been working on.

I think your daughter's request answers the question for you. She wants you to go. Junior high age girls do not ask mom to go unless they really feel they need you.

I would insist on going or not let her go. Period. No other options in my eyes. You have to stand up and protect your kid and do whatever it takes (not saying you aren't but continue to do so.) your daughter has confided in you. This is a VERY pivotal moment in her life. SHE CAME TO YOU. If you let her/make her go without you she will loose trust in you to protect her. You said she already has a little difficultly speaking up for herself. Think of how much WORSE it will be if SHE does not TRUST YOU.

It seems like the bully should not be allowed on the trip as a natural consequence of her actions. Have you suggested that to the principal? Perhaps the 5 teachers and other parents who see this girl as toxic could all suggest together that the girl should not be allowed the reward of a fun trip after her unacceptable behavior.

volunteer to chaperone, even if you pay your way.

IMHO, either both of you go, or neither of you go. If this is such a "tiny private school" seems to me that if enough parents get together and make a united front and tell the school their children will be transferring and not attending next year if this child is going to be there, that the school will have to do something. I think the problem is there is no united front and the school can easily blow off one parent at a time. That school depends on your enrollment dollars - you parents ARE holding all the cards, you're just not playing them right. There is NO WAY I would pay for private school and then put up with this sort of B.S. If you pay monthly, what would happen if ALL parents didn't pay and said they were not going to pay until that child was expelled. You bet they would get rid of that child. Sure, they could sue you all for the money, but that won't help them meet their next payroll. Get together on this and make that school do what's right which is to expell the bully and her friend.

I would either insist on being a chaperone or not let her go. It means the "mean girl" wins this round, but bullying is serious. I would also consider the quality of an education in a school where my child was being bullied and there was nothing but excuses for it, and a teacher had admittedly checked out already. It may also be time to explore additional educational options for your child after this year.

If the principal admits there is a problem with this child, then the principal needs to address this child. If the principal is not able to address the bullying this child is doing, then there are bigger issues than a field trip. Perhaps the school needs some inconvenience to really take it seriously.

There are times to let kids work it out and times to get involved. If you feel this is a time to get involved, do so. I will forever be grateful that my mom called the bus company every single time we told her some girls were bullying us, til the girls got kicked off.

Mean girls suck. That said, your daughter has to learn to navigate in a world full of "mean girls". If your daughter wants to go then let her. If you can arrange to go as well, even in your own car buying your own ticket, and your daughter wants you to go, then do so. But in the end every child must learn how to handle the meanness in the world because it never really goes away.

I predict you're going to get a huge range of responses here, from "Don't interfere in any way and let her go and handle it herself" all the way through to "Keep her home." This is the kind of situation that's tough to judge without knowing your daughter well and without knowing the exact nature of the bullying.

YOU know your child best. Would she be relieved if you said you were going as a chaperone? Would she be relieved (probably only secretly so) if you said you were keeping her home? Or would she be mortified at the thought of having you on the trip and would she see you as hovering? Would she see it as "Whew, I can finally enjoy this trip" or instead as "Oh no, the other kids are going to think I need my mommy there and I'm not mature enough to handle things." Which ?

Think through these things based on what you know of your kid-- and talk to her about it! Don't be afraid to sit down with her and say, "There are some options here" and walk with her through those options. If she's fairly mature and can talk about the bullying openly she may be able to come up with her own ideas about what would work best. She IS right that she should not have to pay a price because someone else is behaving badly but she also deserves not to have to have a miserable time.

Are there other moms going? Do any of them know your kid well and would you trust them to keep an eye on things? (I think that's asking a lot but again -- only you know the people involved.)

Would it help to see the principal in person and emphasize that it is unfair for kids who are being bullied to be expected to put up with it on an overnight trip as well? It seems the principal is well aware of this girl's issues -- would the principal consider arranging for the girl who is the bully to sleep separately from the other girls, with an adult chaperone, for instance? (Yes, yes, it isolates her and that's not good, some would say, but it may be the shock she needs: Behave this way and you will be isolated for others' sake.)

If it were me, with MY particular kid, I would simply tell the school that I was going as a chaperone, period. My daughter (also in middle school) is the kind who would want that, in this situation. But my child isn't your child.

You already know that you are "not OK with letting her go and handle this all on her own" so don't let her go and handle it on her own. You already know that the principal, while not exactly embracing having you come along, has said that if you insist she'll allow you to go. So -- if your daughter is OK with it, because she should have a say here -- insist. Not in front of your kid or other parents, but with the principal.

Be aware that you might be talked about by some other parents as being a "helicopter mom" or as hovering or coddling your child or "not letting her grow up." So what! You know her best and know what she needs. If this were high school it might be different, but if she's in sixth or seventh grade middle school, do what your gut says. Just be sure your daughter is OK with it too and won't resent your being there. If she is really balky about your going, and doesn't want to stay home either, reconsider and arm her with things to say when bullied.

My daughter had a mean girl in her 5th grade class. Ugh - I HATE the mean girls. However, after all year of me telling my daughter how to handle certain situations, we did role playing. She was the mean girl and I was her.

I reacted two different ways each time. One way I expected my daughter to react and the other how I was telling her to respond...and my daughter got to see how her reaction (as the mean girl) was different each time. My daughter has changed her responses and now they want sleep overs...they are close friends now. Something I expect to see happen a lot in these pre-teen and teen years.

As far as the field trip goes, I'd go with. I'd insist. Your daughter shouldn't miss out or deal with it for two days straight. Her experience can be totally different and fun if you are able to go.

I like your idea of going with her. Good for you for doing whatever it takes to make things better for your daughter.

If your daughter is going to feel like she will be made fun of for you being there, ask her what would make her feel better and what she would like you to do while there. This will make her feel empowered and in control of the situation. And role play some situations with her- better for her to take care of situations as they happen herself with you as a safety net.

Hope it turns out to be a positive experience!

If your daughter doesn't go, the bully wins another battle.

Your daughter wants to go. It sounds like your daughter thinks she can handle it. Let her!!

Role play with her come backs when mean girl says X. Give her the tools to handle bullying situations on her own. Above all else don't let your daughter view herself as a victim of this girl's bullying. Your daughter has enough confidence to go on this trip without you. Follow her lead.

Either you go with her or don't let your daughter go.
I would be afraid of letting my child go away with the bully for an extended
period of time
If the girl bullies at school, imagine if she is away.
Just let your doaughter go but insist you will be going as well.
Otherwise she doesn't go.
Navgating the world later on when you are older is one thing but dealiing
with a bully as a child is quite another!!

I think you should teach your daughter to stand up for herself. She should say or do whatever she needs to in order to protect herself and possibly others. Obviously the adults at the school are not fulfilling their duties, thereby enabling that girl to continue bullying everyone, so your daughter needs to take matters into her own hands. She may be naive, but I think everyone at some point needs to learn that they can't always rely on others. And it's not fair that she should have to miss out on fun opportunities because someone else is ruining it for her. Also I think you should insist on going if that's what you and your daughter want. Make it clear to this girl that you and your daughter are no longer going to put up with her behavior.

I say let her go if she wants to go.

You don't say what is going on but the term "bully" is thrown around way too loosely. I stand to be corrected if there is evidence of true bullying.

She is in Jr High and she will have to deal with mean girls all of her life. That is life... they will be in the workforce, college, high school and on. She needs to learn to stand up for herself when they are doing something to be mean. Speak up!

Of course you can go on the trip as well at your own expense but that won't solve the issue if you are there to helicopter. Your daughter needs to fix this. You can help her by doing what some other moms on here have suggested... role playing, get her into martial arts, do something to help her gain a better self esteem.

Best wishes

I think you should let her go but you stay home. She is in JR High and should be learning to deal with this on her own. I would have a HUGE talk with every adult going to make sure they are CLEAR on who is bullying who and that your daughter can come to any of them at any time and they WILL step in and protect her. Also, teach your daughter some sentences she can say as a come back to what the bully says to her. If she doesn't give it attention, or can get away from her, maybe the bully will stop. This worked with one of my kids. I told him to stop crying and reacting and it worked. JMO. I hope she can go and have a good time. She should not feel like she can't enjoy life because of one kid picking on her. Good luck!

I say, let her go, and you go with her and insist on it.

And after that, enroll your daughter in self-defense/martial arts to help boost her confidence. And do some role playing with her on how to handle it, as well as talk through some scenarios on what this girl does and how to handle it.

Your daughter should not be the one to miss the trip. If anyone misses the trip because of the bullying, it should be the bullies. If that cannot be arranged, you need to insist on attending so your daughter is protected and she doesn't miss out.

You're worried about a field trip and totally disregard that your child's everyday life is hell? Why is she there?

If you are able to go, I would go so that your daughter could attend. If you are not able to go, I would keep your daughter home.