I had a lighter out next to my candles and my 8yr old son took it and started playing with it in the bathroom.
I know I know...your first question is, "What is a lighter doing in reach of an 8yr old?"
But, you know what, he's old enough to listen and obey his parents and old enough to know to stay away from stuff like that. It's not like he "accidentally" took it and lit it. He knew what he was doing and and he also knew that he WAS NOT to touch it. Even if I put the lighter up in the cabinet, he's still big enough to grab a chair and get it. So please, do not share comments about any parenting or lack thereof.
The ONLY question I want answered is:
What should be his punishment?
I already sat him down and made him look at page after page of burn victims on the internet. I'm thinking of finding a local BURN UNIT to maybe volunteer at so he can see 1st hand what happens when a fire gets out of control. Any other ideas???
Thanks ladies. I know I may have been short earlier in the post, but, I really do not need any negativity. I'm very upset and don't want to have to defend myself. I think in this case WE BOTH (my son AND myself) are a guilty. He should have listened to his parents and not given into curiousity and stayed away like we have taught him AND I should be more careful where I store the lighters. It is definitely a learning scenerio.
What great responses Moms! Thank you so much!
My son is one of those who is extremely curious about anything and everything. He's always asking questions...especially about things that are hard to explain...mainly adult issues. He's very mature for his age and after this incodent, my eyes have truly been opened up and I now recognize that I have to keep an extra eye and ear opened while constantly scoping his every move.
So yes, we did show him some pictures of burn victims for which he was surprised of the reprocussions of a fire and how much physical damage it can actually cause. I also brought him up to the local fire station and 3 very nice and understanding firemen spoke to him about fire safety. I think this did the trick. It really scared him and he was in tears. Yes, I felt bad but at the same time, I needed him to understand and hear it from someone other than myself. After all this, I personally sat him down and explained that while I was not mad, I was very very concerned yet relieved. I explained that I love him and his sister so deeply and that when I tell him NOT to do something (i.e. play with lighters, play in the street, talk to strangers, or anything else that could cause physical harm) I certainly DO NOT tell him this to be mean. I teach him this so that he can be safe in this very dangerous and unpredicable world. I decided that after all this FIRE SAFETY talk, I am going to NIX the idea of volunteering at a burn unit. I think that he's been talked to enough and that after the Fire Station visit, he's pretty much learned his lesson.
I believe this was a really good learning lesson for me. Even though I am a very protective mother, I now realize that I can never be too protective. And while yes, I should give my children some independence and trust, I should always be ready and leary about possible situations like this.
Thanks again Moms for coming together and giving me your input on this very serious matter. We as Mother's can only do so much. It's so nice knowing I'm not alone on this journey!
I think you've done enough, and I agree with Riley J. As a child on the farm the only way we would have hot water was to light a fire. This was one of my chores everyday.
Teaching to use responsibly is a great idea. Perhaps take him camping a teach him how to build and light a campfire, or create fire using two sticks?
My 7 yo nephew did something similiar. Got the lighter and put it up to a piece of his artwork on the refriderator and set it on fire....parents didn't know until the smoke detector went off. He was sent to his room with a good talking to...but bottom line....hide them on something far up! It could have been a whole worse.
This is a lesson I learned from my mother. When my siblings and I were this age, we were given responsibility to take the garbage out back and to set it on fire and make sure it got burned (we lived on a farm and this was completely legal at the time and how everyone on farms got rid of their garbage). The idea was that of course we were curious about fire. The setting allowed us to learn about fire, know how to deal with fire, and possibly yes, burn our fingers a bit.
I taught my daughter how lighters, matches, and candles work when she was 8. I allowed her, under my supervision, to light things on fire and see how they burn. I would never have thought to keep these things secret, or hidden, or forbidden at that age. Children are curious about things like fire, and need to know about them. A child who knows nothing about fire could panic if they accidently start something on fire (lighter, stove, candle, etc.). I would much rather be part of educating my daughter about fire than prevent her from experiencing it.
I don't think your son needs to be punished at all, just educated.
Have you talked to him about it? Kids sometimes are simply trying to figure out how things work. Because lighters are usually off limits for kids they become facinated by them and want to know how things work.
Instead of making him look at pictures of burn victims why not show him in a safe way how easily things like paper and clothing can catch fire and how quickly that fire can spread. You can easily put things like tissue or toilet paper, old pieces of clothing or rags, and add something like a paper towel with a flamable cleaning solution on it in your grill or a fire pit and safely show him how easily these things catch fire.
Maybe your local fire station will be able to give him a small fire safety talk or class and explain a few things to help.
Was this the first time he did it?
If yes then I don't think any punishment is in order, I think you just need to remind him that fire is very, very dangerous and he is not allowed to touch the lighter again. Children WILL sometimes touch things they are not supposed to believe it or not!
Photos of burn victims? Volunteering in a burn unit? Unless he is clearly a pyromaniac then that seems WAY over the top.
Not being negative, that's just my opinion.
p.s. Consider signing him up for Cub Scouts, he will learn a lot about fire safety, knife safety, etc.
I don't think there is a burn unit in this country that will allow an eight year old to volunteer or gawk at burn victims.
I think the others had a great idea to teach him how fire works and how to be responsible.
Why not bring him to the fire department and have him talk with the fire fighters. I think seeing a burnt victim is a bit much for a child (just my opinion). It is important to teach him the dangers of fire and how quickly it can get out of control.
If this is the first time he has done this then why punish him? Does he do it often? Does he climb up and get the lighter out often? He sounds like a curious kid that needs to learn and understand the good and bad effects of fire.
I would take him down to the fire department. Call them up and explain what has happened and they should/could come up with a special visit for him. This way he will know what not to do. I like this punishment better.
Just remember to keep your lighters up out of the way.
Good luck to you.
The other S.
If you have little cavemen like me, the whole immersion approach by giving them access to lighters or to handle fire at home doesn't work, it's an invitation to have your home burned down and thousands of dollars in medical bills after some horrible disfiguring accident. Some kids are not emotionally mature for this kind of approach, so it's best not to go there at all. So yeah, I disagree with some of the suggestions here.
And as some others have already said quite bluntly (sheesh ladies), no you will not be able to go to a burn unit, but you CAN take him to your local fire department to talk to the arson guys or even some of the on-call guys. They WILL set him straight and hopefully that should do the trick. Let them know the situation and they will be able to take it from there.
I had to do this for one of my guys and the gents at our local fire department were fantastic. They even did a demonstration to get their point across and had the equipment and set up to do it safely and detailed what happens to those who set fires for fun (explain about criminal charges and bad accidents). Call your fire department and see what they can do for you. At the very least, most departments have regular fire safety programs.
a trip to the local fire station and a lecture from a fireman!
I haven't looked at all the responses on here but I have an eight-year-old daughter and I think your approach is a bit extreme. I would never have shown burn victim photos to my eight-year-old, it would have really upset her! Wow! And... burn unit?? OMG!!
Only you know your son and his history so if he's prone to dangerous behaviors, then I don't know... but if this is just a 1st time/one time thing, a stern lecture should do the trick. Right?
It is good you've shown him what can be the end result.
Also show him video of how fast a fire can spread. He doesn't have the knowledge of how out of control something like that could get in a matter of seconds. In the future, let him (and teach him how to safely) light the camp fire or barbeque WITH supervision.
If you really think he's not understanding, the fire houses in our town have hosted scouts and schools for field trips. Maybe he can get in on one of these or you can arrange it for a group of friends or his class.
At 8 you are right, my goodness where would you put them so they are out of his reach? Hopefully you've thought of a place that is still convenient for you but a little less for him......
Your ONLY question you want is: What should be the punishment? - NOTHING, other than take the lighter from him and warn him of the dangers. Did you tell him NOT to play with it or just EXPECTED him to know since of course he is 8yrs old. Boys like to explore, take chances, risks, etc...in this particular case, you can only reprimand without any punishment. Let it be a 1st warning. Showing the consequences of using a lighter was enough punishment.
I don't think your guilty of anything. Your right, he is 8 and he does know better! If he didn't, then he wouldn't have hid in the bathroom. We dont hide or put up our lighters ( we smoke). They are and have always been out in the open with all of my kids. We teach them they don't touch them and they are "owies" like plug ins, knifes etc.
I think what you did was right ( maybe extreme, but who am I to judge!). Atleast he knows what can happen and why they are not a toy... even if he is curious!! He is old enough to fully understand why... how even one time can lead to something serious, like you showed him.
I think you need to talk to him and ask him honestly if he realizes why lighter/ matches and such are not toys and if he understands why we don't play with them. I would let him know that if he wants to see how they work or anything to ask you and together you can try it out. I also think with your supervision let him light a candle here and there. If you take the "off limits" off and it becomes a responsibility thing he will be less likely to play with them.
So basically this is about breaking the rules. No allowance for a week or no video games or something like that. At 8 he knows what fire can do - a burn unit might be too traumatic.
You are correct,he is plenty old enough to know better. Take away whatever is most important to him. It has to be something to get his attention. Kids make mistakes all the time but he needs to understand the severity of the situation.
I may be the only one taking this stance, but I think Boys go through a "Fire" phase that lasts about a year. I saw my sons and every other boy they played with go through it. I would say teach him how to use the lighter correctly and tell him it is O.K. to use it as long as you (The mother) are around when he does. Let him burn some things in the outdoor charcoal grill and stand around and watch to be sure he is safe. If you let him explore safely, he will feel he has mastered this and outgrow it. If not, there's a good chance he will play with fire while you are not around anyway.
Hang in there! I think you did a great job handling this. I remember at the age of 5 getting my dad's match can down from the garage shelves ( I climbed up the dryer to get it and impress my cousins). We sat on the back porch and lit the matches and threw them onto the lawn. I got a spanking and so did the cousins....left a lasting reminder not to do it again. I think you handled it much better!
