Keeping Secrets for Friends

So, wait... She thinks that you are only her friend if you tell her friend A's secret. Because you should trust her to keep that secret. But by her own logic, she would be disloyal if she did not share the secret with all of her friends, and those friends would be obligated to share with all of their friends. Otherwise they wouldn't be friends!
I don't think she thought that through...
Good for you, move on!

This lady sounds like a creep. How dare she get mad at you for not breaking a friends confidence? What kind of friend would you be if you gossiped about another friends personal life?
Yep, channel Elsa on this one. This lady has shown her true colors!

No. Her behavior makes me think she doesn't know what you think she knows and/or she's not a good friend to either you or the other mutual friend. I'd ignore her, as everyone else said.

This isn't about helping the other friend. It's about HER need to be in charge, to be validated in her own mind by having all the info. It's most likely the reason why the other friend shared with you and not with her.

In the future, you might just give out less information - not even letting someone know that you know the whole story. Not that you did anything wrong, but it avoids the situation you are now in. Some people who can't handle it sort of view people like you as being "privileged" or even "showing off" - not that you are, just that they view it that way. And you might be able to avoid this sort of confrontation.

If anything, you can say "Sorry you feel this way. It's not my information to share, not my story." Or say nothing - it's unlikely that you're going to get too far if she says "I'm done with you." Very immature. As Elayne says below, she has shown you who she is. Believe her.

There's a reason this friend-on-the-rocks didn't ask the other friend with the original problem, isn't there? She knows she's not been chosen as the repository for the details. And the reason is probably that her need to know is far greater than the other woman's need to share.

You sound like a good friend - be happy with that.

no, but then i've got high standards for friendships. no one who is my friend would dream of trying to put me in that position. i'm crystal clear about it.
it's great that you're the keeper of the secrets. now be clear about your boundaries.
no, i wouldn't engage with this person or honor her with my friendship any further.
khairete
S.

Nope. Ignore the text. Remove her phone number from your phone. Be polite in public places.

What's that phrase..."When someone shows you who they really are...believe them".

She did not put the other friend's feelings first nor did she put your friendship with her, your loyalty or your need to keep a confidence above her need to be nosy.

Whether or not to respond depends on what you want out of it.

If it will give you closure I might write "ok" or "sorry you feel that way, but I will respect your wishes".

But I also think silence sends a strong message because it doesn't validate the point the other person is trying to make.

I think she wants you to be hurt by the statement and respond back with worry that you are going to lose her friendship which in reality is not going to lead anywhere except back to the point of you breaking your loyalty to the other friend.

I was once in that position. I said "I think it's a unkind of you to put me in that position." I had to say it because she was acting like I had hurt her or been disloyal to her. Even though it didn't change her opinion, I felt better for saying it.

Then I just was friendly after that, but she never was. She showed me her true self.

So if she approaches you in future, that's what I'd say. But, I agree - don't respond to her text.

I would ignore the text. And if in a group with her, be friendly, but that's about it.

another one for ignoring the text and being friendly when shes around.

she isnt worth the anxiety she is causing you. loyalty is a quality not a lot of people understand anymore, and it is vital to a good relationship. dont let someone take that from you. your doing the right thing, keep your head up.

First I want to say that it's admirable that you take your "keeper of secrets" job seriously. I have a friend, Sara, who is best friends with Cathy. Sara has brought Cathy to church so I have met her several times. Sara got married a year ago at age 36. Cathy is 40 and unhappy that she hasn't married yet. So Sara comes over one night and casually mentions that Cathy has an STD and feels like that is why she isn't married. She told me not to say anything. It made me sick to my stomach. It makes me sick again as I type it now. Since that time, I have distanced myself from Sara. And I'm pretty sure whatever I told her she has told everyone else without a thought.

If it were me, I actually would text her back. I would say something like, "Thanks for letting me know. I agree. Our friendship isn't what I thought it was so it probably is time for us to move on. I wish you the best." If you don't say anything it leaves it open for further discussion and she isn't a friend I would want so I would want to make sure she knew I was good with that decision as well. And of course if you cross paths in the future, be civil but nothing more. Good luck.

True friends don't act that way, it's time to let her go on her way.

Let her go!
Don't lose any sleep over it.

Oh good grief. Ignore her. She's trying her best to get the goods from you so that she can go tell ALL. She's not a friend. She's a jerk.

And no, I wouldn't care to be her friend again.

That being said, why do people know that you are "the keeper of all secrets"? Don't spread that around. You say it's not a burden and you think people are just "processing", but it's not really like that. You've got someone treating you like dirt over it. You never know what else might come bite you in the butt over this.

I totally agree with others that you should let this go. I would not even dignify her immature text with any response. If she values gossipy details over your friendship -- and she clearly does if she's "done with you" over this -- then she is not worth trying to keep.

One thing I'd add: Is this person now likely to start pestering other mutual friends to give her details of the first friend's traumatic event? In other words, if you're not dishing the details that this person wants to know, is she going to turn elsewhere, and, in doing so, possibly spread word around that first friend had something bad happen to her? That could increase your first friend's upset and worry. You can't stop the gossip-monger from asking around but you might want to keep your ear to the ground. If others come to you concerned about the first friend, and say that gossip girl told them something was up -- you might have to give first friend some advance warning that others might be asking HER if she's OK.

Sounds like your friend is nosey, pushy, and childish. You are doing the right thing. Your other friend trusted you...not this other friend...and apparently rightly so. It is not your place to delegate that trust to this other friend and wrong of this friend to expect you to. She should ask the person directly but she knows that is rude.

Saying nothing may be best but part of me says to reply "I'm sorry you feel that way but just know YOUR secrets are still safe with me too".

What, is she in high school? Gimme a break. I'd let the friendship die.

Would you feel better ignoring the text, as mynewnickname suggests, or responding with "Sorry to hear you feel that way. I guess I'll see you around." Then, you would do as mynewnickname suggested and just be civil/friendly in groups. Sorry that you are getting this grief due to doing the honorable thing.

I wouldn't respond at all. Unless withholding information will cause harm to her, you are absolutely right and she is in the wrong.

If she comes back to repair the friendship with contrite sincerity, consider it. Anything less is unacceptable.

If it were me in that situation, I wouldn't bother with a reply. Or, if you are mad, write her a letter and burn it. Don't feed her ridiculousness by even trying to justify yourself. She is incapable of seeing her hypocrisy and will only interpret any response as an affront to herself and proof of your not being a 'true friend'. (eyeroll)

If she is petty enough to make such a rude fuss over your being a caring and sensitive friend to someone else, good riddance. I know it may not feel that way now, but this is really not for her to even *ask* you to do. The fact that she behaved this way shows how little she cares about friendships. Don't let her get you down. Silence can be quite golden if you allow it. Good luck!

I wouldn't respond to the text. I would wait and see if she contacts me again with an apology. If not, put the friendship behind you and move on. If she does make an effort, then try to salvage the friendship if it's important to you. She sounds like a gossip addict in need of a fix!

Oh well, the site ate my response.

Curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought him back? Well maybe not in the quote but back. Friend B wants to know what Friend A said to you to fan a feud or cause a fire. Either way it is not good. Friend B has shown her true colors and not in a good way. I would "let it go" and not respond to the text. Seek new friends.

If you should be in public situations be cordial and move on. No good will come of this relationship in the future only grief and hurt which you don't need. Friends are for a reason and a season -- not all last.

the other S.

I have often been the person people confide in and I am ok with it up to a point. About 15 years ago someone I work with resigned from her job for a private, very sad family reason. She loved her job. I was the only one who knew why she resigned. A bunch of people started telling the story and claimed that they knew she resigned because people were racist to her. I sat for years in meetings and every once in awhile this would come up and I would have to sit there while folks were pointing fingers and talking about how horrid we all were and that we needed sensitivity training. Just sitting there was hard. I waited years and then I finally told a couple of people the truth. I did it because I knew the "secret" didn't matter anymore and I wanted to put an end to the misinformation and the attempts to use this woman's story to support a particular agenda. This person who is trying to get the information from you is a gossip through and through. Proof of this is her reaction to you when you did the right thing.

I'd talk to the friend that has the secret and tell her that her friends are worried about her. That she might want to consider telling them all.

Then I'd tell this other friend that if you tell her this secret then you promise every one of her secrets become common knowledge, well, if her secrets are juicy enough to shut her up.

If her desire to know comes from love and concern for your mutual friend then it's a bit forgivable but if it's just because she can't stand not knowing then both of you, your hurting friend and you, would be better off without this friend.

I'm sorry but I didn't see her age in your post....it must be still single digits if she's treating you like this. take the high road and don't get caught up in the manipulation. they call it the vault for a reason and it's an excellent quality that you should be grateful you're capable of. forgive the horrendous grammar...I'm in kind of a hurry.

S.

Wow! I am really sorry your friend put you in this situation, that's really selfish of her to do that. If it were me I'd probably have to just let the friendship go. You are a true friend for standing your ground and not telling her. We need more people like you! Good luck sweetie!