Ok, straight to the point. I have an acquaintance, we have had our ups and downs but we are civil, leaning towards friendly. We have known each other for approx 2 years and although we don't always get along, we are on a particularly good upswing right now. We even went to each other's b-day parties this year. Still, we don't hang out on the weekends and only text when absolutely necessary. That background being given, what would you do here: I found out that her boyfriend has been trying to date someone else. I found out through a mutual friend that he texts often, asks for lunch dates, and has even stated that he and his girlfriend are breaking up. I know this to be an outright lie. In fact, I know that they had a date out last night and she often talks about their outings, trips, future plans, etc. They have been together for about 3 years. I don't know whether to tell her or what. I feel as if I would want to know but I don't want her to feel like I am in her business or anything like that. I just feel like he is being a pig. The worst part, we all have to interact on some level and honestly, I don't want her to be embarrassed. But I do feel like my telling her will have the same effect. Should I: 1) Say Nothing and let her find out on her own 2) tell a closer friend of hers so that that person can break the news without my getting involved, thus creating the illusion of more privacy or 3) tough it out and tell her myself. So--let me know! Thanks guys!
Well I read all of your responses and I have decided to wait. I don't want to appear nosey or like I am spreading gossip because, like many of you pointed out, it is hard to prove with no tangible evidence and I am not the kind of person to puposely hunt for evidence to this fact. If it comes to a head or asked directly, I will fess up. But for now, I am going to keep my name out the pot because I can see this being a baaaaaaaad deal. Thanks you all. And please, I know that many of you wanted me to tell her, and I too would want to know, I just feel that my relationship to her is too weak, and therefore my good intentions may be seen otherwise. So this mama, is zipping her lip!
Ask her what she would do, hypothetically.
"just taking a poll, one of my girlfriends found out one of her friends' boyfriend was cheating. Do you think my girlfriend should tell her friend and maybe jeopardize the friendship?"
She'll say yes, girlfriend should tell. And that's when you apologize, and tell her.
If she says the girlfriend should stay out of it - then stay out of it. :)
I'm in the 'tell her' camp. People always say don't tell because the person ends up hating you. I get that, but the alternative is to not tell and let them be in a bad relationship and waste who knows how long of their life with a loser. I'm willing to let them hate me in order to preserve their ultimate well being.
However, I think playing dumb might be the key- it makes it less of a big, huge deal. Next time you see her, say "I heard you and X are breaking up, I'm so sorry". When she asks what you are talking about, just say "oh, I heard from our mutual friend that X was dating someone else and told her you broke up". Depending on her reaction, you can just move on. If she freaks out, be there for her while she pursues information. If she tries to dismiss it, then say "wow, I feel so silly, I must have heard it wrong". She'll process the info and what she does with it then is up to her.
Good luck.
I wouldn't say anything.
If your mutual friend is the person that he is asking out, then have THAT FRIEND call him out on it and that if he doesn't cut it out, she will see that the girlfriend finds out. Otherwise, what you have is 2nd hand information and I'm not sure I'd go anywhere with that.
Well, considering that you two are only "civil", maybe the best thing to do is not let her know. Some people don't want advice (even when they ask for it.) They only want to hear what they want to hear and get angry and lash out when you are honest with your assessment of things. Your "civil acquaintance" isn't going to want to hear this.
Let someone she is close to who she listens to better tell her. And let that person find out on her own too. That way you don't have to get plastered by your "civil acquaintance" when she finds it was from you.
Some people have to learn the hard way.
That's my feeling this morning...
Dawn
If it were me, I would want to know so I didn't waste any more of my time on such a looser!
Since you are not that close and have ups and downs already, I say tell her!
I dont know..I mean I could be wrong but it doesnt sound like you are the best of friends but friends enough to celebrate birthdays together. Who told you about the boyfriend? Is that person friends with her?I woudl want to know. If you approached her would she be greatful or would she think you were trying to steal her bf? Sit on this one and wee whatthe other ladies have to say. I am not much help but I know I would want to know.
Well, my opinion is that it's hearsay at this point, and unless you see it or hear it with your own eyes or ears, you can't be sure it's actually happening.
I'm just wondering why you still bother with this person, honestly. It sounds like you don't really care for each other that much & that the relationship is kind of forced.
I've been here before and it got really messy but in the end I was the only person that really cared about her and tried to let her know what was going on. In another six months the real truth came out and she felt like such a fool. Our friendship was forever altered and we were never close again which I understood was a possibility.
If I were in her shoes, I would want to know. Then I would have to sort out facts from fiction.
I've also been in her shoes where my guy was cheating on me and everyone knew and didn't tell me. I always suspected though and when the true revealed itself my friends where like - Oh yeah I knew but I didn't know how to tell you. I am still friends with some and with others the friendship just ran it's course.
If I had to choose what to do since you are not particularly close to her I would try to force a situation where someone else gets to spill the beans but I would have been something I orchestrated but then again I'm just too grown for the games and intriques and am honestly leaning towards just telling her and getting it out of the way.
Reading the answers they are all very good. I would just worry about her catching a disease if this is true. If true, he may have done this in the past and probably do it in the future, Please consider this aspect and tell her for her health and future.
I would bring it up a vauge type of way..
I heard that you and X were thinking of going seprate ways and he has been talking/ seeing XX. I'm really sorry to hear that.
If she asks for more info then you can go into detail about what you heard. Unless you have seen it first hand, it is still gossip at this point.. but it will be up to her to find out if its true or not. I would want to know if that was being said about me and my relationship... gossip or not.
I feel it should be you telling her instead of telling someone else... that looks more like you were gossiping about it. Plus I would rather hear it from the source than second hand.
A real friend would tell her. She has the right to know.
I would invite her and the friend who is getting the text messages to lunch while the kids are in school and have the friend show her the text messages. Keep it non judgemental, just say to her I thought you should know. Let her know you are there to listen if she needs to vent and whatever she decides to do is up to her.
Leave it alone. It's none of your business and it is only a rumor. Unless you see it for yourself, you have no proof other than idle gossip so I'd leave it alone. I'd also ask the person who told you to stop spreading gossip but if she can't refrain, at least don't try to spread it your way.
Tell her...or a secret note in the mail just to make her aware.
It seems like you already made up your mind, but I still want to urge you to tell her. You clearly have her best interest at heart and that will come through in your delivery. Let her know you struggled with whether or not this was your business, but that you were more concerned about her. Couch it with "it may be nothing, but just in case." And then change the subject and talk about something else. Don't wait for a response or leave awkward silence. Much better for her to be embarrassed a little with you than to be humiliated in some other way.
