Keeping up the House

Hi T.:
You know, I use to feel the same way you do. I have always felt that i was a pretty fair individual.My parents taught us kids to be polite,kind, and (for all of those young people out there that have never heard of the word) The biggy!! (CONSIDERATION)!!! I could never sit back, and watch someone else do all the work. I don't care what it is. Its because of my upbringing I guess, that I use to say absolutely nothing,when someone would take advantage of my generousity.It discusted me, that it didn't bother them in the least that I was cleaning up after their mess.Well, like you...The anger just kept building up inside.I'd be cleaning away, while everyone else sat laughed and had a gay old time. Crazy thing was, that the more angry i became, the faster I cleaned!! lol I finally had enough, and told them all(I wasn't going to do it ALL ANY MORE! I saved my sanity,and was no longer A SLAVE in my own home. Speak up...They are counting on you saying nothing, so they can continue to lounge. best of luck to you T.

Assign each family member a hamper (you can get them in different colors at the 99 cent store) and when you pick up, sort their belongings. Then, place the hamper in their respective spaces (so that it is right in their space). This should be enough for them to get the hint.

If that doesn't work, assign chores to every family member and discuss consequences for chores not getting done.

Good luck,
F.

thats rediculous! i live with my inlaws too and i do my part in picking up after myself and baby... yes i do have my lazy days but not like that. they can help to keep the house looking kept up. i wash dishes clean the floor (by hand), i do laundry for 3 people, i clean our bathroom, and so on. you have all adults in your home. if your son and daughter in law cant help maybe they should think about finding another place to live because you did your part picking up after him he can pick up after himself now. good luck!

Hi T., I think every housewife/mother has felt what you are feeling right now. I don't mind picking up after my husband, for the most part, cause he does help some, and he cooks dinner on his days off, 3 a week, but I have a 21 year old and a 19 year old, plus my 21 year old son's girlfriends is here a lot, which is OK, I love her, but she is lazy, In our house myrule is everyone washes their own dishes, if they want to cook, and there is dishes in the sink the rule is they have to clean the kitchen before they cook, then clean up when they are done, everyone is responsible for hanging up up their own bath towel, for the most part my kids are good about offering to help me, I run a daycare from 6:00 AM to 7:00PM so I don't have a chance to keep up my house like I want it, and likeyou it drives me crazy. Give everyone their own chores to do, and make sure tey do them, except for hubby. and if your son and daughter in law are living there then they need to earn their keep, or move out. J.

Hi T., You have alot of patience to be putting up with such behavior. By, letting it go, obviously is not the answer ,as you know. You need to set healthy boundaries for yourself. And have a good straight forward talk with each. & if by chance, there are some challenges along the way, go on a strike!!! & don't do a thing period. I use to do that back in the day, when I'd encounter the same. Good Luck,
Blessings. Ps. find some hobbies you enjoy & have fun!

When I got my 10 year old stepdaughter she was as lazy as they came. I am sure she had lots of issues but the problem included me so here is what I did.

If they do not help with the laundry throw the clothes they put out for wash in the room they sleep in. Close the door.

Do they cook? No? Cook for yourself.

Do they do the dishes they dirty? No? See the laundry theory and buy a stash of paper plates to use when you run out of real ones. Keep the stash hidden.

You can't change other people's behavior but you can sure change yours. They will start to pay attention if stop being the drudge. This is as much your doing as it is theirs as I suspect you may be a super mom and wife and it is just not fun anymore. You may want to announce these changes first but that is up to you. Then lock yourself in the bathroom and take a long bath. A book on tape is good to listen to while you are in there.

hi T.,

i know exactly where ur coming from. i have 3 adult daughters(2 work 1 still in school), my sister(she works) and her 11 yr old daughter, my husband and i(we work). seems like i'm the only one who doesn't get to relax after work. my sister helps out a little but i do the bulk of the cleaning/cooking.
this is what i've done, it works, but sorry to say you gotta get on them like a drill sargent and try to get ur husband to back you up.

have a pow pow and show each a list of messes they leave behind that they need to correct.

if they contribute to the groceries have them buy paper plates. only have 4 beverage glasses, 4 coffee cups, that are theirs and only theirs that they only use, once its dirty they need to wash it, same with bowls. or leave it dirty until they need it. with 7 people in the house i had glasses up the wazoo during the summer.

buy those sticky 'post its', a color for each person and stick it on the stinky socks, shoes, etc., that they left in the living room, bathroom.

make a chore list for each person and have them sign it. also have them write down what they think the other person should be doing as far cleaning up. my kids/sister's attitude was they're not doing, im not either.

hope this helps a little. dont think of this as . . . well they should know, why do i have to be the one to get after them. what i've notice that in a group whether it be at work/ home/sports, there is that one who needs to takes charge.

try a chore chart, Like supernanny does. Here is what we do
Mom= 3 chores
Dad= 2 chores
Kidsx3+1 chore
There is a list of chores on the board and the kids pick first then dad, then mom. That chore is theres for the day, and I make them own it. Any everyone knows who has what chore to make sure it gets done.
I divided them up with me having the most because I stay home with the kids. Hubby works, so he gets less, and his is usually taking out trash and somthing else. My oldest son as he is 8 years older then the youngest "chore child" (I have one other, but at 8 months to young to do chores) so my 10 year old has to help the 2 year old, but my 3 year old is on her own. She is the first to pick on chores, so she likes to pick up the family room which is easy for her. Besides these chores everyone is responsible for keeping there own room clean, bussing their own plate (yup even the 2 year old), and 1x a week all the kids clean up the kids bathroom. I say your house your rules. If they can't keep up, get out. I can't kick mine out yet for chores unfinished, but by the sound of it, you can.

As for the hubby I can understand you cleaning up for him, if you have always done it before. But for the Son & Daughter-inlaw. Give them spacific chores for them everyweek. If they don't like it or don't do it then they are not welcome to live their. The End. If they don't leave - start collecting their stuff and put it in the trash, this way they will either learn to put it away or get out. Start making their lives misrable, They are making yours misrable.
I don't know why they are living their but if they want maid service they need to pay for it. Up the Rent & if you aren't collecting rent give them a months notice that they need to find their on place by this date or start paying this much in rent it's due on this date right up a contract with when they started living their your time limit and the money they owe if not out. Then you have them sign it, take it to a copy machine make several copies give them one, and hide the rest in diffrent spots. Just incase they decide to find your copy and trash it. You have more they don't know about. You might need this for a future court date. Don't back down there is no reason for them to take advantage of you, you were the nice one, who put a roof over there heads.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, I know alot is our own fault or the generation we have created, by giving our kids everything. And allowing them to live with us because they can't afford it. They seem to walk all over us for being so good to them. Good Luck, I hope this works out for you. J.

Here's what we do:

We divide up the house into 8 sections or rooms and my husband and I pick 4 each. Then we set the timer for 15 minutes and we have to clean one section in 15 minutes, once the timer goes off, we move to the next section. It may not get 100% clean, but it's MUCH better....and we don't change sections, so we really can see who is cleaning and who is not. The first time, it took my husband 45 minutes to clean out tiny bathroom...which was ridiculous. I told him he had to speed things up and still do a good job. Now we clean the entire house in 1 hour once each week. With more people this should work better....and maybe faster.

I highly recommend to check out www.flylady.net. This website helped me to set up some basic routines. I do believe some people are born organized, I am not one of them. I needed someone like the FlyLady to give me some encouragement...and she did!

If sitting down with all three of your wonderfully lazy selfish family members and telling them they MUST pitch in will not work, for your own sanity you MUST let the entire house fall apart. Dirty clothes, messy kitchen, and all!! You are not a maid who gets paid to pick up after these people! If it means for a week or so you have to make other plans for yourself, do so! Go to the gym & shower there so you don't have to deal with the mess at home. Eat out with friends or alone, and let them grocery shop, cook and clean up. They WILL get the hint, but it might take a few days for them to notice things are not in their usual working order.

But talking to them should work. If it doesn't, you may have much bigger issues, like having a husband and family who do not respect you or listen to you, and who view you as a servant. If that is the case, I would bill them for your services and go shoe shopping with your profits.

I'm the mom of three young children, but they are required to clean up after themselves (after meals, put their own laundry in their hamper, etc.) It sounds as if everyone in your house is an adult. Tell them to clean up after themselves, or they can find another place to live!

Hi Teresa,

This may seem severe, but I no longer have to pickup as frequently once I implemented this procedure. You yourself must always pickup after yourself for this to work or it can backfire on you.

Secretly, I would pick family member’s items up that were left out and I would lock them up in my closet. When they inquired where an item went, I’d look at them astonished with a shrug. On various occasions when a gift was involved, I’d buy them something practical, like clothes, or school supplies, and wrap their treasured item(s) up as part of their gifts. I’d tell them next time I definitely will throw it out. The way I saw it was that would be the last time I’d have to pick it up for a long while.

For little ones, divide their toys up into 2,4, or more boxes that only you have control over. Only let them play with one box of toys at a time. This makes the toys almost brand new each time you offer the next box after they pick everything up and put it back in the other box. It trains them to complete one project before going onto a new one.

My older children caught on to “Mom must‘ve got it.” The first Christmas after I had started this campaign was very disappointing since all they got were clothes and a huge box each of what they had left for me to pick up for the past 2 months. After that they realized that their next birthday would be the same, they started asking about how they could get their treasured whatever back. I told them I charged for “Maid Service” so now they had to pull weeds, shampoo carpets, wash the car, what ever I had no desire to do or they could pay me for the item. I even confiscated homework if it was left out. I'd call their teacher and let them know I had their homework and mail it to them or drop it off at the office. I'd ask him to keep them in at recess to do it.

I know it seems like you’ll need a bigger closet, but telling them that you will toss it out or give it to charity makes them realize that you are serious. They learn the value of being neat and tidy pays off.

Do make sure that this saying can be accomplished:

“A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERTHING IN ITS PLACE”

BTW: If you have your step-son and family living with you, maybe I can help them find another source of income that they could be using to live in their own place. I operate a home based business and I train others to do what I’m doing. I do no warehousing, no selling, this is not multi-level-marketing and all you need is a phone, 3-way calling, and a computer. Both your step-son and daughter-in-law could be working this business together. We have people making a couple hundred to a couple thousand and tens of thousands of dollars each month in just a couple of years working from their homes. Please have them call and listen to a 3 minute toll free call and have them leave their name, number, and best times and days to reach them. I’ll call them back and give them an overview of my company. Just to let you know, we’ve been around 23 years and there is absolutely no financial risk, get their $100 to $375 investment back if this isn't for them:

866-673-8803

Good Luck, F. :^D

Hi T., I am going through this right now. For some reason my husband has resisted any urges to help out around the house and just watches TV. My girlfriends make comments that may pertain to their hubbies that he isn't coming home, but I tell them, "no he comes home, he just has other problems".

I started washing just mine and the babies clothes. He had to duffles FULL of dirty clothes and stopped at Walmart one day for more socks and underwear. All of our work clothes go to the cleaners so he had clothes just no underclothes. He made comments, and I just laughed and played dumb...like him. He finally started helping a little and I still didn't help him with it because I felt he needed a little more than just putting away dishes a couple of days. I needed to see more commitment. He was home sick for a week and he washed all the clothes and lightly cleaned. Still when I got home from work on Friday, he asked what's for dinner and then lie on the couch until it was put on the table, but I still only put a plate on the table and he had to fix his own drink and get a fork to eat with.

It is slowly working for me. I think he still doesn't get it and we will have to have a discussion about it, but I will wait for him to come to me with that.

Best of luck! Yes, the mess makes me crazy too, but I am too tired to do it all and watch others relax.

I am young but you have to put a stop to this. You should only be doing laundry for yourself and husband. Your son sounds old enough to be doing his own laundry. Only clean your bathrooom.
Cook for yourself and husband. talk to your husband about you and him switching off on some chores but it sounds like you being TOO NICE STOP IT!!!!!! Your son and his wife have to grow up and be responsible. Just bc they live in your house doesn't mean they still get the royal treatment. They have to learn that they need to be adults and do things for themselves.

Mom isn't going to clean there house or do there laundry when they move out. You have to let them grow up. If they run out of clean clothes OH WELL they have to clean what they made dirty.

Tell them they have to go grocery shopping for themselves, and cook their own dinners. They are a couple. Your husband may just be following in whatever bc you haven't put your foot down. Tell him that its his turn to clean the bathroom or do the dishes.

If this doens't work just stop doing it at all. do it for yourself only. and then you'll see how long they last when they have an important event and they have run out of clean under wear. Then they'll see whos laughing

flylady.net

good luck

I can't say anything to changing others but I am working on changing myself. Since my family wasn't in the position to train me in this area I'm getting help from THE FLY LADY! www.flylady.net I'm learning to FLY - Finally Love Yourself.

By the way, my husband and children are slowly making similar changes as I change my own habits. Perhaps they just needed training and/or inspiration too.