Kids Behavior

I raised 4 kids and if this is the worst problem that you have to worry about, then stop and count your blessings!! I have 3 pieces of advice: 2 are very worthy, one is a bit silly, but might work.
1) Read the book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I read it multiple times during my first 10 years as a parent. Eventually, I loaned it out. Had to go buy another copy. Easy reading, and it works!!!
2) "Love and Logic" parenting classes offered by many school districts. I actually went to a live lecture by Dr. Foster Cline when my oldest was 3 years old and again about 10 years later. I still use Dr. Cline's advice today! I probably would have been the worst "helicopter" parent if it weren't for this man and his ideas.
3) My Silly Idea is: Begin a tradition of family MOVIE NIGHT. Choose one night where everyone can be at home every week and STICK TO IT. On this night, everyone is HOME - - NO EXCUSES!! Have a sit-down dinner at the table, talk, relax. (New book - "The Table Experience" sites studies that most successful kids in school have family dinners at a TABLE a few times per week.) Then make popcorn. Watch a MOVIE together as a family - - PARENTS must absolutely SIT with the kids and watch it. Remember, NO EXCUSES!! 2 or 3 weeks into your new tradition of "movie night," rent the movie ROCKETMAN. Throughout the entire movie, the main character says, "It wasn't me!" in situations where it's obviously "him." From then on, whenever daughter says "It wasn't me!", the whole family could calmly reply, "OK, Rocketman." Don't make an issue of it anymore. And don't waste any more of your precious energy trying to DEBATE or POINT OUT WHY she's wrong! Just say, "Ok, Rocketman", keep your eyes locked with her eyes. Don't turn your back. Don't leave. Stand calmly and wait for HER response. ((Dr. Cline always said, "Don't waste your breath debating with a teen. 90% of what comes out of their mouth makes no sense." He said it's better to just say, "HMMM." Then stand in silence waiting for the child to talk. This was the best piece of advice I was ever given!!))

4) Just thought of 2 more good books that helped shaped my parenting: "Reviving Ophelia" by (?) and "The Hurried Child" by Dr. David Elkind.

Movies I highly recommend for your FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT are: Akeelah and the Bee, The Princess Bride, Gracie, Enchanted, Sandlot, Peter Pan (the new Peter Pan with cute boy from Australia not the cartoon), Aquamarine, and Ella Enchanted (Last 2 have good strong girl role models - - with message that you may not find "true love" where you expect.). Good luck!!

I'm curious about the book that was recommended by Peg M. and may read it myself! I have three daughters ages 15, 11 and 3 and they are very different personalities. My 15 year old is not argumentative at all -- she's always had a fairly mellow personality -- but she turns a blind eye to everything (including her responsibilities and her schoolwork) and then always has excuses. Taking away privleges has not worked and it's been a constant struggle because she is a good kid who just doesn't want to hear it. My 11 year old is a much more responsible person and feels immense guilt when she's done something wrong but she almost always 'fesses up -- yet she is also the argumentative one (just started in the past 6 months or so -- it's probably the age).

It is a constant struggle and I wish I had a solution for you. Just one thing NOT to do . . . do not say things like "why can't you be more like your sister?" If nothing else, I know that each child is different and even if you compare them mentally, never voice it because it will only cause more friction.

Good luck . . .

For some people... kids OR adults... "admitting" to something or a mistake.... makes them feel "weak" or not "perfect." And they don't want to feel that way. Regardless if they are wrong.

I would think, the ones with a more stable self-image and more self-assurance... can more readily 'admit' to mistakes or admit to wrong doing... and to 'care' about the outcome. Because, they do NOT 'fear" being 'wrong.' They are comfortable with themselves.

Each child is different... and even if living in the same house with the same rules.. each kid is different... and has different personalities and weaknesses and/or strengths.

My siblings and I... are night and day.
I have a sibling... like your 11 year old. She is... very prideful... and cannot admit 'mistakes'... and is also, a more insecure person... overall.

all the best,
Susan

I don't really have any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. We, too have an eleven year-old (although ours is a boy)...oldest of our four, also argues a lot, struggles with siblings, etc. Although we haven't really had any huge successes with him yet, I realize his issues are due in part to age - 5th and 6th grades are big adjustments - but mostly to being the oldest child in the family. Its not apparent in his behavior, but by talking with him and doing some digging, we realize his behaviors are due to him being so incredibly hard on himself, not feeling "good enough", not feeling understood and even though we work very hard to be balanced with all of our children, and know that we don't show favoritism to any of them, he somehow feels less loved than the others. It's a very difficult thing to know you're trying to figure out your child's love language and love them in every way you know to, and yet realize that they somehow still don't feel it. Anyway, again, I just wanted you to know someone else 'feels your pain', and even if there's not an obvious solution, I know if we just listen to and love our children, try and understand, provide natural consequences when necessary and be open to trying new and fresh solutions, we'll all survive this stage and our kids will in fact come out of it okay. Good luck!

I have to second the comment that you are NOT alone! :) We have an 11 year old boy. Love him dearly, but he is going through such a difficult stage. He is a great kid, but has always been more of a challenge than his twin sisters who are 3 years younger. He is very CEO, independent, smart, etc., and keeps us busy. It is the age too, I have heard that from many a friend. We are working on being consistent with our consequences, holding firm and knowing this too shall pass. Even though he fights the boundaries, he wants them and it makes him feel secure. Like the other comment, he feels we favor his sisters (we don't). I think it is typical for the oldest to feel this way. Praying for all with 11/12 year olds! :)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, is a great resource. Read it and try it, I think you'll be fairly amazed by the results.

Your kids are different people with different personalities. I know more siblings who are wildly different in how they handle situations than siblings who react to everything similarly.

Be sure she forms the habit of owning up now, it will only get tougher the older she gets. Be very firm. Keep it simple, such as, if she's saying "Not not not, I was not there," etc, she is basically talking back AND lying, so just keep calm and enforce simple basic rules right away.

Don't allow her to succeed in winning the exchange by shutting you up with this dishonest angry rhetoric. Be sure there is always an immediate firm consequence, and you are not flustered, but logical, respectful and fair with your tone. Bite bigger than bark.

She will basically learn this is not allowed and hopefully her own character shift will follow with habit. Good luck! This is a bit old to start, it won't be easy! If you've already been firm all along, that's a good start, but you need to toughen up.

She should earn every day privileges (things she probably feels entitled to) through good behavior moving forward. You may want to remove some favorite frills in her room etc, sit her down and explain she can earn them back by acting polite and respectful and owning up like everyone else for one whole week at a time, etc.. Like, "OK, I took you favorite X because for the past several exchanges, you have not admitted your actions in an honest way. If you can tell the truth and act respectfully for a week, you will get it back. If you continue to yell at us and deny the truth, you will lose x, x and x. If you don't have to be a nice human, then I don't have to provide X." Logical tone, not preachy or mad. Do it out of the blue, not in the heat of the moment.