Kindergarten Issues Already This Year

Have you tried spending a day at school with him? A friend of mines little boy got in trouble the whole first week of school when he started kindergarten. She took a day off of work the next week, and went to school with him for the day, and he straightened right up, and didn't have any more problems.

C.,
Do not be discouraged! As a teacher, I know that many students have difficulty transitioning into the school year. Sometimes they need to adjust to listening to a new person and learn the "hard way" what is expected of them. My suggestion (as others stated), is to work with the teacher and develop a contract (with the faces) to maintain contact with her. Make sure you son gets to choose the reinforcers (treats) for the smiley faces, and you can develop consequences for the frowny faces "together". It is very important that you follow through with the consequences (positive or negative) consistently or the contract will not work and your son will get the impression that he can get away with these behaviors. It is a good way to make an abstract concept (behavioral expectations) concrete and understandable for him. Typically students do not understand right and wrong all the time so rationalizing with them does not work.
Also, don't feel bad for the teacher! We don't take things personally from students. Actually, the most challenging students are the ones that I enjoy working with the most! Hang in there, work with the teacher, and I know things will improve for you.
G. :)

I think it's kind of odd that the teacher sent him to the principal's office--why didn't she handle it in the classroom? Does she not have a system in place that encourages and rewards good behavior? Also, maybe him touching a girl's butt was handled as if he were 45 instead of 5! I don't think at 5 he could have meant anything sexual by that. Of course in Kindergarten kids have a hard time listening to the teacher, they are there to learn that skill. Especially for boys it's hard to sit in a classroom.
Does he get a lot of exercise?

I would first suggest a strong behavior modification program to start at home. I realize the problem is at school, but home is where we learn how to behave. I would put some sort of plan into place where he is rewarded for being part of a team and acting respectfully to others. Offer points or nickels or something each time you catch him doing something helpful or respectful, then tell him he can use that money to buy snacks from you (that are already in the pantry) or a scoop of ice cream as a before bed snack. Something like that. For each time he isn't respectful of others, he pays you from his pile or you take a privledge away. I have always found an early bedtime just kills kids of this age. So maybe each day he has a bad day at school he has to go to bed right after dinner. Yes this means he is up in his room for hours, but I'd bet you'd only have to do it two or three times until he got the message. Good luck!

It sounds like a tough situation for all three of you -- you, your son, and the teacher. It also sounds like a response to stress in your son.

You and the teacher should talk in person to come up with a plan, and how to implement it consistently. The two of you working as a team can make a lot of difference.

There should be consequences for his behavior, but it should not be seen as punishment. He may already be worried that he is a bad boy, and he needs to focus on the positive rather than feel worse and worse about himself.

When he hits or does things that are inappropriate, he should be removed from the situation, and it should be called "taking a break." You and the teacher should tell him, "I'm not mad. I know you made a mistake. But you can't be around the other children until you're ready to be safe. We have to make sure that everyone is safe. When you feel calmer we'll figure out how to make things right, and you can rejoin the class after [apologizing/cleaning up/etc.]"

It's important that neither you nor the teacher raises your voice or sounds angry. You both need to be totally calm -- easier said than done, I know. But if he knows you're angry, he'll feel scared, and even more stressed out. If you both stay calm, he'll know he can trust you, and he'll slowly but surely become calmer himself.

Sticker charts may help; it's worth a try. He can earn stickers for doing each part of the day (lining up, recess, morning meeting, bathroom, etc.) without problems. He can then bring the chart home to you, and if he has enough stickers, earn a special treat like extra tv or a snack or whatever you think will work.

Good luck! And remember, this is not unusual behavior.

C.,

See if the school has a "friendship" group that is run by the school psychologist or social worker. Ours does and my daughter became a part of that group when she was doing some things like that. It was all girls, 1st grade (though they probably do it for kindergartners, too). The school deals with this all the time....your child is not the first. Ask them what they recommend and what they're plan of action has been in the past when they have encountered this.

I think you're right to take it seriously, but I also think you need to remember that this is a big transition for most kids and there are bound to be issues, especially as they are adjusting at the beginning of the year. Speaking as a parent who knows, it does get better when the school and parents work together.

T.

My 5yo son just started K as well. I knew it might be a tough adjustment for him so I gave the teacher as much information as I could up front regarding his sensory issues, his difficulty with transitions, and his strong desire for personal space. She and I have been emailing a couple times of week as she updates me on what has been working or not working with him. She never approaches me with a "your son is naughty attitude" and she doesn't come to me with a report of every little problem. Instead she lets me know general issues and how she is working with him and then asks me if I have any additional input.

In the classroom, she is always calm and respectful with him and the other students and the class spends a lot of time reviewing rules of conduct, how to respect each other, what it means to listen, etc. If kids can't quite function, then she calmly asks them to take a break away from other kids until they decide if they can rejoin. They might leave group time and sit at their desk quietly looking at a book. I volunteer in the classroom once a week so that I can better understand the rules and expectations and can help my son practice those in other situations as well. Consistency and repetition is key at this age!

With your son, a good K teacher is going to realize that a lot of his behavior is a pretty typical impulse control issue. She should have strategies in place and should not need to "tattle" on him to you everyday. Bouncing ideas off you to see if you think they will work is fine or seeking additional input from you is fine, but expecting you to solve his classroom behavior is unreasonable. I suggest volunteering in the classroom to watch her management style, have a chance to observe your child and his peers, and to give the teacher an extra set of eyes and ears for the start of the school year. The first week is always the toughest and it WILL get better if she is a good, resourceful, respectful teacher.

Hi C.
How old is your son if he just turned five in the last few months. you may want to think about giving him another year to mature alittle bit and in that year you can enroll him in some playgroups so he can play with other children with your guidence of you need to keep your hands to yourself. I also agree that you need to find his currency and take it away for bad behavior Good Luck in this tough time of parenting. T.

Another teacher here...
Work toward rewarding the positive behavior versus punishing the negative. With the teacher, you want to pick some goals for your son to acheive at school (and maybe at home too) - we always chose 3. Sometimes I have included the child in this process. Then the student works to meet each of those goals during day which has been broken into smaller pieces (morning, recess, after recess, lunch, afternoon, recess, after recess). Each period could earn 3 stars, smilies, yes, whatever. He'd have a goal of X number of stars, etc. for the day. Meet the goal get a reward or we did links (so many links earned different rewards). Good luck.
Also because of the physical nature of what happened at school the teacher had to call you. She wasn't tattling as some have suggested. Additionally, as a parent, I'd want to be told if my son were doing this.

I would suggest reading What the Bible Says About Child Training, but Fugate. Your question needs addressing at the core, not superficial level, and I suspect there is a lack of respect issue that you will find clearly discussed in this book. It has been of immense help to many.

SAHM of seven, retired Kindergarten teacher

Sounds like your son isn't ready for kindergarten or doesn't know the meaning of NO and have any discipline at home. Not to be harsh just being honest. I would evaluate the entire situation and maybe prehaps keep him home another year.

A child with immature proprioceptive system will use touching, bumping, pushing (hitting and kicking also) to stabilize his sense of self, especially in a unfamiliar situation. Secure sense of self first comes from the physical experience of feeling connected within oneself. Playing with the mouth in stressful moments indicates retained hand-mouth reflexes. Developmental movement therapy supports reflex integration and maturation of the proprioceptive system. C. www.mamabebe.org

EXACT SAME ISSUE IN MY LIFE 2 YEARS AGO!!!

We had a call from the principal a day and a half into the school year, call after call, note after note from the teacher. We tried everything: taking stuff away, rewarding good behavior, daily phone calls to the teacher, punishment after punishment, and nothing was working. Finally we gave him the ultimate option...had a week and a half to be good, or he didn't go out of town to grandma's house for the weekend to go to the fair. That week nothing changed, so his aunt took his little brother for a weekend at grandma's and the fair. Our kindergardener spent the weekend not allowed to do anything fun. We worked around the house cleaning and doing fix-it projects, and we talked to his brother on the phone numerous times. His brother came home all smiles, grasping numerous fair prizes, and full of stories about what he did and saw. Our kindergardener wept and pleaded, begged and argued, but nothing worked...he was stuck at home constantly being reminded of what he was missing. Not only did the bad behavior immediately stop...he got into trouble one more time the entire school year for wrestling with his buddy in the bus line. He had a great year, his teacher (who we kept in the loop on the punishment if he did not have a good week) was very appreciative that we followed through on the punishment and supported her instead of attacking her when she had a problem. We found just the right punishment to impact him. It was a rather grueling weekend between his whining, crying, and begging, but he has been an excellent student since then. Since many of the behaviors you are describing sound exactly like what our son was doing, I recommend you give him a prize/punishment option that he has to earn or lose. If the behavior doesn't change...let him lose the reward, and make sure he is reminded of the reward a lot (and it has to be something really exciting for a kid...not just a toy or trip to McDonalds)...It may seem rather harsh, but it worked for us.

As a teacher and experiencing behavior like this from one of my students I would suggest giving him some stress relief balls or "figet toys" for him to use during class time. It helped with my student. He knows that he can only have them if he follows the rules with them and if he doesn't they go on my desk. It has helped immensly. It could help him be a quiet listener or at least quiet so the teacher can teach the rest of the class. Otherwise ask if the counselor can come in and do a session with the class on personal space/school rules.

Hi C.,

It sounds as though you and I are experiencing some of the same things. My son has no sense of personal space. He is loving towards the other kids, and the teacher has a problem with him giving hugs in school. I guess I can see her point of view, but we are a Christian family and although we are not perfect we try to instill Christ-Like values. That being said, if someone gets hurt or looks sad they get a hug.

On another note, we have experience some issues with aggression and personal space, that are definitely NOT Christ Like. It is hard when people assume that you are not providing discipline or structure for your child. Some children have underlying reasons for their behavior. My son has speech issues. They are not severe, however, his is not always able to express himself verbally (fast enough) and then resorts to other methods such as aggression as they get a reaction quicker.

My suggestion would be to work with the teacher and see if she is willing (not all are) to help you with some type of incentive system. My son brings home a sheet everyday with a face on it, either a happy, straight, or frowny face. If it is frowny, we talk about the problem and reiterate the rules. If it is a smiley or a straight (yes, even a straight), then there is a small reward. Since starting this, there have been more straight faces then frowny faces and I see this as improvement. Kindergarten is hard for these young children. It is very demanding. I hope this helps.
A.

Hi C.! I agree with a lot of the responses here. There is a lot to learn about in Kindergarten. There are so many rules and so many new things to do and see and touch and it can be overstimulating. I have seen the best behaved children go a little bonkers in Kindergarten because of this. I LOVE the idea of a smiley face chart. In our elementary school the teachers use a "color" system and the kids have to change their color if they make a bad choice and a consequence will follow based on what color they land on (phone call home, no recess, etc.). The only other thing I can suggest is to help remind your son (and everyone else) what the rules of kindergarten are and what behaviors are expected, perhaps the teacher would be willing to use Writing With Symbols or Boardmaker and print out some visual rules/directions/schedule etc. Some kids absorb info better with a visual attached. For example, during quiet work time at your desk/table, there would be a picture of lips with a finger up to them, a student sitting in a chair, and a student working at a desk. These are good reminders of what "working" in Kindergarten should LOOK like. The school's special ed department should have access to this software as an available tool to the teachers. Good luck! Try to work with the school as much as you can and be gentle with yourself! The first couple MONTHS of Kindergarten can be tough. Relax, you're not a bad mom.

Hello,
First, thank you are being honest about the situation. Many parents want to protect their children and they play down what is really going on. So thank you. My question for you would be is your son ready for kindergarten. I have raised 5 boys over the years. My oldest son went to kindergarten and had some issues as well, looking back at it now, I wished that I would have waited a year before sending him. All the rest of the boys they were all a little older and seemed more ready for school. I as well sent my twin boys this year to kindergarten and they will be turning 6 at the end of October. Boys most generally mature slower then girls do. If you are still considering keeping him in school, work closely to the school counselor and if needed have some one to come in to help you with how to handle these behaviors and then enforce them at home as well. I always said, "If my child is not quite ready I would rather wait it out for a year then to rush some thing and make everyone involved miserable. Talk to the teacher and counselor and get there input. You can have a meeting at school at any time. Maybe they will say some thing to the effect of just giving it time. You could use sticker charts for good behaviors where he might be able to pick the dinner choice for that night, have a special snack, staying up late, or earn a race car after he gets like 25 stickers (or what ever you feel is appropriate) Good luck and stay with it, it will be easier to deal with now then later. Let me know if you need some one to discuss things with.
Your a good mom.

Find out what motivates him and make it a privilege.
Is it taking a favorite toy away for a bit, lossing 15 minutes or so off bed time, tv or video game time.
This works wonders at our house. The key is you have to follow through with what you say so they know you mean what you say. He earns privileges by behaving in school extra