Lazy 12-Yo Boy Still Being Lazy

It's really simple. Explain to him that whatever he wants to sign up for is fine but he will NOT be allowed to quit. In the past he has been able to quit anytime it got too "rough" for him. No more. Explain that you have to practice to be good/great at something! Hard work=great payoff!

You should make him pick one thing per season and make it clear that he cannot quit. Some kids need an extra push. If he's gaining weight, he should be doing some type of physical activity. Continue having him come to the YMCA as well as doing the sport. Also cut junk food, sweets, and soda out of his diet. If he drops some pounds, he'll feel better about himself right off the bat. Good luck!

Hi J.,

It sounds like your son has both a general "issue" with self-motivation and problems with physical endurance. It's likely that both are behavioral, but it couldn't hurt to rule out a physiological cause as well. I always thought my son was lazy until we found out that he was growth-hormone deficient (I'm not suggesting that this is the case for your son, BTW). It turned out that "laziness" was really just lack of energy because of the hormonal deficit. Later, we found that the initial GH deficiency was actually a first symptom of Crohn's disease, and lack of energy was also a result of his body not being able to properly digest and absorb nutrients from food. He struggled with this all through his preteen/adolescent years and into his early adulthood. Now that he's on a completely gluten-free diet and vitamin supplements (he's 22 and has been on it for a year), I can't believe how much greater his energy levels are AND his ability to self motivate -- without the need for other medication.

There's been a lot of research of late surrounding gluten sensitivity and gluten intolerance. It's much more prevalent in populations of European and Middle Eastern descent than once realized, and it can lead to a whole host of metabolic problems. Consider removing gluten from your son's diet for a couple of weeks, and see if his energy levels increase. This means no cereal grains at all, including wheat, corn, millet, barley, oats, spelt, and rye, and product derived from them (especially corn syrup, which is a leading contributor to the general rise in obesity in the U.S.) Substitute brown rice and sweet potatoes or yams (avoid white potatoes as much as possible: the carbs in them are more complex than white cereal products, but still not as metabolically utilizable as those in sweet potatoes and yams, which also have a higher protein content).

At the same time, you might try having him see a child psychologist and/or family counselor for a few sessions to see if a professional can help you and him get to the root of his motivational issues. The counselor can also help you set up an external motivational system that you and he and stick to. You're right -- letting him quit has set a precedent, but that can be set aside! Also, what things does he like to do now? Does he enjoy art? Music? Science? If he's got an issue with fear of failure, work on it with pro, but also explore things that he feels comfortable with, maybe even "oddball" activities that most kids don't do so the competition isn't as fierce, but still seem cool. As an example, Fencing is one of my favorite sports, but it's not a popular sport in the U.S., so the competitive field is small. But, it's a lot of fun, physically demanding, but in short bursts, and has kind of a swashbuckling/fantasy cool factor that can be very attractive to a kid. It's also an individual sport and doesn't require being able to keep up with a team. The same goes for things like gymnastics, swimming, and tennis. In terms of non-sports extracurriculars, might he enjoy something like art or music classes, a robotics club, a creative writing class, etc? Engage him in thinking out-of-the-box with you.

One last suggestion I have is to sign him up for Boy Scouts. Scouting offers a wide variety of very fun activities, from athletic to academic, that let a kid explore and figure out what he likes to do. Find a good troop with a focus that interests your son. Most troops will combine physical activity (especially camping and outdoor skills that include things like rafting and rock climbing) with service work, horseplay, and merit badge work.

Good luck -- I know it's not easy!

My son is similar but has stayed with TKD for 5 years now. Thank God!! Nothing else kept his attention. I understand you want him to do something, I did too but perhaps he needs to find his gift himself?? If he has friends, is funny and an average/normal student, he sounds pretty "normal". He's ahead of 75% of the students in school today. Maybe you're pushing too hard?? If you're not, I would step back and let him find his "thing". My son too is hesitant to do anything he doesn't excel at so I'm dealing with a little of this also. I've found that instead of telling him how brilliant etc. he is, I am only praising his efforts. When he completes something/gives something a good effort, I praise/reward those things. It seems to be helping alot.
We all want what's best for our child and I understand your concern but we Mama's need to sometimes let life take place. I think he's fine, well adjusted, has friends. I wish we all had kids like that! :)
I really think he'll find his place, just give him some time to figure it out.

This is hard.
When I was a kid hardly anyone did extracurricular activities, and for those who played sports, they started later. Most of us spent a lot of time playing outside, running, riding bikes, swimming, etc.
I know times have changed but kids haven't. I don't think they are all cut out for organized activities. Maybe he's not lazy, maybe he just get bored easily? I was kind of like that, I'd be into something for a while and then lose interest. It wasn't until high school that I found two things I really loved: theater and cheer leading. I also got into yearbook and student government. I think high school is when I really grew into myself, your son may be the same.
I know you're worried about him not being active and you'd like to see him be a part of something (I'm totally the same way with my kids!) but try to find a balance.
Does he like being outside? Do you have hiking or biking trails nearby? That's always a nice family activity.
Is there a public pool where he can just go hang out? When I was that age my two absolute favorite places were the pool and the skating rink. No parents hanging around, no lessons or teams, just swimming, skating and having fun with other kids!
Good luck, it's a tough age. My third one is 12 so I know exactly where you're at :)

I don't think you can provide your son the feeling of stardom. You can help him learn some self-discipline.

I imagine your son wants to do something because 1) he sees his friends or some other people doing it, and 2) it looks easy. He doesn't realize that the reason it *looks* easy is because the people he's seeing have put in a lot of hard work - in secret, as it were - in order to make it look easy. And when he finds it's not easy, he doesn't want to do it. Why try when it's not easy?

You're right in saying that you've let him set a precedent. In addition, he's gotten to the age at which laziness begins to be part of his job description. He just won't have enough energy to clean up his room... or finish his homework. Just wait. ;^)

You can't turn him around until you've turned you around. If you need to talk to an impartial counselor in order to do it, go for it. (If you're married, you husband needs to be in on this, too. It has to be a joint project.) Then you lay out the new way of doing things at your house.

Frankly, the way you allow him to feel good about himself is to say, "This is a project you WILL do from start to finish. You don't need to be a star, you just have to learn something." You will hear an *incredible* amount of whining and perhaps shouting. *Ignore all power plays* as he tries to get out of it and return to the status quo.

You might set him one sports project and one music project that he is required to do. He doesn't have to be a star; he must just make improvement. You could get him into Boy Scouts or 4H if they're available in your neighborhood (both organizations used to teach work habits; I hope they still do). You could have him learn how to do a job (i.e., cleaning up yards) and require him to work at it twice a week without fail.

In addition, when school starts, talk to his teachers and find out how the bar should be set for his report card.

Not too much lecturing, explanation, or discussion, please. Too many words are frequently a way out of working.

Meanwhile, without saying too much about it, set yourself some projects that you commit to finish and to improve at.

Love has to be tough sometimes.

My first thought was: summer camp. The old-fashioned kind where they sleep in cabins and play sports and go hiking and swimming and sailing and are run outside all day long and hopefully learn some valuable life-skills.

Physical activity does not have to be an organized sport - it can be walking, hiking, biking, roller-blading, horseback riding. You could also try tennis, golf, wrestling, cross country, track. If he can stick with a musical instrument, he could do band, and be in marching band once he is in high school. I agree too that high school might give him more options, like drama club, choir, yearbook. However, I would stipulate that if he starts something, he has to finish it, no excuses. My cousin did that with her sons growing up and it worked well for them. If they tried soccer, than decided they did not like it, that was fine - they did not have to sign up for it again, but they did have to finish out the season.

This might just be me, but I would be frank with him - he's not going to accomplish anything or feel like he's achieved anything if he keeps quitting and making excuses. Maybe something like Boy Scouts, 4-H or even 2 or 3 weeks of sleep-away summer camp would help turn his attitude around. Find out from him what he might want to try next, and if he acts interested, great - but he is not allowed to quit, period. Quitting is no longer an option. You will make him get in the car and drive him wherever he needs to be and you won't listen to anymore whining or arguing. I guess I fall into the "tough love" category but I wish I could have exercised that option with my stepsons when they were younger - but their mom was in charge and she let them quit everything they started too. And now they really don't seem able to set goals and work toward accomplishing them.

What is he good at academically? He could participate in UIL events for academics. Does his school offer robotics - my boys love it! What about Scouts? It takes no skills, just participation, and it is a great self esteem builder. Or maybe, he will just be a late bloomer in finding his niche for extra curricular activities.

I don't think is something to do with self-esteem or you wanting him to be a football star. I think is just to reinforce discipline, and it is nothing to do with being to hard or authoritative either. Kids nowdays have so many electronic games, devices and "lazy entertaining" (WII sports is NOT sport in my opinion) that it is discouraging kids to do something else. But getting to the point, you are right in being concerned. Modern life is not helping with exercise and exercise is GOOD for everybody's health. Let your son try any sport he wants but let him know firmly that he will not be allowed to quit.
On another hand, he can find something to feel well about himself in other areas he actually likes it, and it is good to let him find them for himself, but the sport thing is something he must do. My older kid used to be very "lazy like you describe H., but we didn't give up. He never liked any sport or fitness activity and he was enrolled in different sports/activities until he found something he really enjoyed and enjoys (swimming) Now, my son always comes with me to the track and we run or walk ,sometimes he brings a friend or two,... we talk and laugh together, at the beginning he disliked but with the passing of time he got used to it. Do not give up now. Be firm and be for him always, he will eventually exercise. Start with a few minutes, drink water before and after you two do the activity and increase the amount of exercise little by little at the same time, the same day everyday.

What does he like or show interest in? I mean something you see does come somewhat naturally for him? Is it Team sports he doesn't like? Do you think he does better one on one? Does he enjoy reading (consider a bookclub)? Music (voice or guitar lessons)? Sewing? Drama?

Help him to choose one thing and tell him there is no option to quit this time. Then make him stick it out for a certain amount of time.

I'd suggest something like one on one guitar lessons once a week with a college student, but set the expectations low. Don't hire a traditional strict type teacher. You are not expecting him to do anything but spend a 1/2 hour once a week learning guitar and maybe practicing 1/2 hour a day. Find a teacher that is loose and make it about fun, not progress. Let it develop slowly. In other words make it fun, not about how fast he can learn. Keep the pressure low. He will learn over time..... that could be 2 years, but he will feel accomplished.

Require he exercise 5 days a week for 1/2 hour, but let him choose the activity. Basketball with friends, the gym with you or taking the dog for a walk. Keep a chart and reward him.

Next time he picks something, sign him up and then do NOT let him quit!
There are a ton more things to try:
Golf
Tennis
Bowling Team
Basketball
Water Polo
Lacrosse (sp?)
Gymnastics
Dance? Breakdancing, etc.
BMX racing

I do not have any other thoughts other than find something else and then no longer allow him to quit!

~Make sure he knows that most of us are not just naturally good at things...we all have to try...there is a reason there is that old saying..'Practice makes perfect'!!!

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I saw you are considering drum lessons. You might look at School of Rock, if there's one in the area. They focus on getting the kids into bands as soon as possible so the kids start to experience the real fun of playing with others. They also teach keyboards, guitar, and voice.

Is he interested in anything at all? Pokemon cards? Books? Doodling? Don't count TV and computer games. Does he have any interests? If left to his own devices, what does he do?

If the answer is "nothing", something may be wrong. No child should have *no* interests.

If he's interested in something, encourage him to practice persistence and dedication in his area of strength. Whatever it is, run with it.

In addition, require a sport or some type of exercise just like you require chores and homework. He doesn't have to like it. He just has to do it.

Sounds like he needs a job. How about delivering newspapers or cutting grass? He'll get exercise, earn a little money, and learn responsibility. (He may have more motivation because he'll be getting paid)

My son is 14, so I completely hear you when you speak of being lazy. As far as sports, my kids were required to choose a sport and stick through a season committment, they have no choice. My son tried a few different ones along the years, and soccer stuck. He was not the strongest player, however with extra training and perhaps a change in maturity and growth...he is actually one of the top on his team. I would also say that in 7th grade I saw the biggest change in his playing.

Try some other things, but you don't need to spend a lot to try different things. I have taken them to the golf driving range, played tennis, skateboarding, guitar, just a few my son likes.

Please do not get me wrong, working out at the gym with mom is not cool for a 12 year old. What are all his friends doing? He may not be wired for team sports, but if he had just one buddy that you could take to the gym with you, much better - or maybe sign him up for a training class at the Y. The instructors do not put up with my (insert body part) hurts, ours just move onto another body part. Good luck, I think it's just a boy thing, just gotta find the right fit.

Seems like a self esteem problem. lack of confidence and MOSTLY fear of failure. Back off on fitness and encourage fun. Have you tried just going for walks with him? not race walking, not any pressure to perform, just lets talk and walk. Maybe you are very athletic?? and he feels he cant keep up?

Why does he need an extracurricular activity to have self esteem ? Is the fact that YOU have an issue with him not being the 'football star' the real problem here ? Maybe he doesn't care to be 'the star' - maybe he just wants to be a kid. So many parents push their kids endlessly to do things for their own self esteem, to compete with the Jones's. I think its nuts. In my generation no one participated in extracurricular activities - you played outside on the street with the other kids, making games up, using your brain and being creative. Making things out of nothing. Nowadays, everything is structured and micro-managed to the extreme - kids don't think for themselves anymore, they can't even make decisions because parents have scheduled the hell out of their lives. STOP. Just chill out already. If he wants to do nothing, let him. Eventually he will get bored and find something to do that makes him happy (not you). As far as all the activities he has quit, did you ever think that maybe it was you who pushed him into things he didn't really want to do ? Why does a kid 'have to do so many activities' to amount to something in their parent's eyes ?

Personally if I had a pushy parent as you are to your son, I would consider running away. Make sure he does have family chores and things to accomplish around the house. If he chooses to read or just ride his bike, let him - it doesn't have to be some assigned structured enrolled activity.

You should be proud of him the way he is - let him know that on a daily basis. Esteem should NOT come from some sport - it should come from within - from being a kind person, someone with compassion, someone who is honest and trustworthy - build up your son for these important traits instead of being the best black belt in town. Those 'materialistic endeavors' will leave him not with pride, true pride comes from your character.

You say your son is smart and funny, why not encourage him to make some videos showing his talent. He could put them on youtube. He may not want to be some athlete. Pushing him to do what you want will backfire in the end. Let up on the reins and just let him be a kid. He will thank you one day for that.