Letting Go, How To? Not About Death

Wow, we have such different perspectives! You did parenthood so early. I was just starting at age 32. Before becoming a mom I did some awesome stuff and fulfilled some dreams. What are your dreams in life? You are so young - 31. You could do a PhD program. You could become an archaeologist or a wildlife rehabilitator or a brain researcher. You could be a foster parent. You could spend time with a child through Big Brothers Big Sisters. Volunteer at a children's hospital. I'm throwing things out here. You could do a special art degree or travel. Perhaps you need a goal and a dream to work on in life to make you happy. Anyhow, your feelings are not ridiculous at all. Find things that make you insanely happy and that you love to do. Focus and be grateful for what you do have. Good luck!

Wow! If I stopped living at 31, I would have missed lots of big things: my kids first day in elementary, first day in middle, first day in high school. I would also missed out on their first love, and helping them get through it. I would also missed out on all the fun that we can have, without limiting what we can do (with a baby in tow). I would have missed my kids getting their drivers licesnes, and watching the thrill on their faces, as they drove away alone for the first time. I would have missed out on them coming home and telling me about their first job, and how they are excited to be earning their own money. I would have missed meeting so many wonderful people in my life, because even one kid, and the places you have to take them, can introduce you to a whole lot of awesome people. I understand you are not "giving up" on life, but you have to open your mind up to all the fun things that YOUR life has to offer. It doesn't revolve around a baby that you don't have. It revolves around the baby you DO have. Don't forget about him because you are craving another one. He can fill the void - you just have to let him. Envy is not a good trait.

aw sweetie, you're just still focused on the 'young woman' milestones and haven't yet let yourself see the amazing ones still ahead of you. i'm glad you realize it's ridiculous, and it IS ridiculous- but that doesn't make it less heartfelt. i had a huge psychological plummet when i hit 30, feeling as if all the exciting stuff was behind me. i was wrong, and so are you.
society does kind of dictate that women in particular should view marriage and having children as the defining factors of our lives. and they ARE big! no doubt about it. but we are more than that. you will 'birth' and create more, and the things you create will be far more under your influence, guidance and control than the amazing little humans your body produced without much in the way of input from your brain. you'll take trips and explore and have epic adventures, with and without your children. you'll have the sweet joy of helping them navigate their life courses and celebrating their milestones with them. you'll experience the bliss of increasing confidence and wisdom as you get older.
i wish 'letting go' were as easy as making the decision to do so. it's a process, and you have to both acknowledge and honor your feelings when they come up, but not allow yourself to wallow in them, or accept them as Truth. give yourself a mental hug, and then refocus yourself on both small short-term goals, and bigger long-term ones. create things to look forward to. start a vision board. expand your thinking beyond the narrow box of your own immediate family, and allow yourself to believe how very much greater your influence and impact on the world can be.
you're a crazy hippie heathen, after all!
:) khairete
S.

Okay, so don't quite close that door on 'all the big things'... why are you limiting yourself?

Growth isn't about things that happen *to* us, but things we choose to participate in. I think B's suggestion was spot on. Find something YOU like to immerse yourself in a bit. Hobbies, vacations, a new educational venture, pursuing a different career path... all possibilities.

Personally, I think that our culture puts a LOT of emphasis on the 'special' moments and forgets to appreciate the plain-but-pleasant ordinariness in life.

I'd also encourage you to enjoy what you do have...a kid who probably doesn't wake up at five a.m. anymore. Can you find contentment in what you have before you? Appreciate what you've got? One thing I decided to do this year was to really study and appreciate what I have before me as a SAHM. It's been very helpful. Part of it is basic stuff, but being mindful about what's in front of me, what's present for me... it feels very good. I'm 43 and choosing to savor what's on my plate, so to speak. It's what you make it.

I think I understand what you are feeling, if in a different way. You had your child, the one you wanted & were ready for, earlier than other people currently in your life. So your pregnancy, the birth of your baby, the milestones that your son has reached over the years, have already passed, & now you are watching others close to you experiencing them with their own family, for the first time.

My husband & I decided together we didn't want to concieve children... we wanted to adopt, but unfortunately, life circumstances got in the way of that also. I was OK with that... I -never- wanted to have a baby, instead we were going to adopt an older child (5-12 yrs). But when my sister got pregnant a few years ago, & I had a missed period, I actually got excited at the thought of being pregnant (after an initial total panic attack!). Turns out, I was not pregnant, simply very late... and the sadness I had at that moment was overwhelming. For something I didn't want to begin with.

Our emotions can play with us, based on the circumstances of what is going on around us, and even the time of life we are in. I think going forward, it will be important for you to acknowledge that you -did- experience what everyone else is going through right now.

Go back to the reasons you decided that you were done having children before. Are those reasons still valid? Are you & your husband on the same page about that decision?

If the answers to both are "yes", then validate that! Remind yourself that the choices you made were right for you, & the experiences you had are yours - they can't be taken away. Additionally, you will have new experiences to look forward to, both with your son & husband, as well as personal milestones & goals. Your son hasn't had his first GF, you & your husband haven't celebrated your 10yr Anniversary yet, etc.

For now, find a way to celebrate & take part in the events of your friends & family. Also, make sure to share what is going on in your life, so that they can share -your- family's events!

Wishing you the best in finding peace through these emotions... T.

The trick is in always finding something to look forward to in the next phase.

Wait - all the big things that can happen in your life are over? At age 31?

I think you should focus on what makes you happy in life, and set some new goals around those things.

What about your dream vacation? What about a new job? What about finishing your education, if you didn't already? Run a half-marathon?

My DH and I are in our 40s, and we always have a WRITTEN list of our next goal(s), and how to accomplish them. We love to travel, so most of ours involve saving a dollar here and a dollar there to afford to go someplace new. So we always have something we are REALLY looking forward to.

I am surprised there was a doctor who would do that at 23 for the exact reason you are,saying. Do you want another child. Not sure if it can be reversed. There is always in vitro. You need to make some decisions and go from there. If you will not be having any more children, then you may need to speak with someone. How does your husband feel?

All the big things in your life are over at 31? Really? You're never going to try anything new, learn a new skill, go anyplace you've never been before, have another single earth-shattering experience the rest of your life? I find that difficult to believe.
Your son is eight. You will never have the potty-training milestone agian, but there are tons of milestiones ahead for him, and you will play a part in all of them. Being a parent is a lifetime of one "big thing" after another.

I think you first need to try and take a different perspective on what constitutes big things in life.... babies, bdays, marriage, even divorce are ALL big things.. but so is.. going to school and getting a degree (that's my goal at the age of 49) and I consider that a HUGE life event..additionally, what about learning a new skill, developing a new hobby... why aren't those big deals too.. it's all in how you look at things..
at 31, you are young.......... what about when your kids graduate or you are blessed with grandchildren, won't those be big events ...
I would also add that it's never a good idea to base or compare your life to others, if you do, you ll end up upset all the time.. Also, make things happen in your life.. what about a career move , school or whatever it is that is important to you personally..
I'll tell you... if I allow myself to consider how other people I know are having kids, more importantly are in touch with their biological families (while sadly, I am not) I would just go mad........ It's when I focus on me and my life and realize how many blessings I really do have, then it also allows me to be happy for others.... and it helps me to let go...
practice gratitude .. the more you realize how much you already have.. the less you will long for what others have...and instead, you ll begin to feel like your life might be better than you think..

There are still options you know. If you have a good income you could find out if the surgery they did could be reversed. There's always in-vitro too. It doesn't work every time but is a possible solution.

I have a friend who was married for 10 years. They had their 2 kids and she was done, had what she wanted out of life. Then she got fixed, hubby said he didn't want to do that, she should do it.

Well, one day he up and moved out and into his girlfriends house. They're having a baby soon and he's ecstatic. My friend is in a new relationship with a guy and he doesn't have any kids, would have loved to have a houseful. But since my friends ex didn't want to have more kids with her she can't have more kids. She's looking into options too.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know if there was a medical reason you chose this or something else. Many people have the choice taken away and go through a long mourning period. One friend was pregnant with her 2nd child and was beaten so badly she miscarried. She ruptured and had an emergency hysterectomy. She met a wonderful man and he accepted she couldn't have kids. So they have adopted about 20 cats, 5 dogs, 4 stray kids, a couple of his half brothers and sisters, some nephews and nieces, and me.

Unless there is a Heath issue, no doctor I know would tie tubes at 23 for exactly this reason. I would focus your energy instead on helping children who are in need of parenting and love and already here.

Do you have a hobby? Hobbies can enrich your life more than you can imagine. I am going to be 45 and I am still always excited for the next chapter in my life while of course enjoying what I have now.

Since you seem to have this baby fever thing, how about adoption? You could possibly get an infant or young child and add to your family that way.

Being a mom is a beautiful thing but that is not the only thing to our lives. We are women, wives, mothers, daughters, friends rolled into one. There are facets of our lives that overlap and you have to figure out where you are at the present time -- I see a woman, a wife and a mother in that order.

As others have said, there are many more things to do and conquer in life. Take up a hobby as a hobby is a world of its own with many challenges and accomplishments to learn and earn. Earn a degree so that you can better yourself in a professional way. Volunteer at a local school or hospital (NICU skin to skin). Be a Big Sister to someone who needs guidance. Travel, learn a language or learn how to cook or garden. Find ways to fill your time with meaning and you will be much happier and not so focused on something that could have been.

If nothing else, see your doctor and talk with him about seeking help with your outlook on life.

I wish you much life and success and happiness.

the other S.

PS I am 66 and starting a new chapter in my life before I retire.