Little Shrieking Toddler

When my daughter was about 18-24 months old she started having huge melt-downs. They happened often at dinner. I started calmly walking (or leading) her to her room and closing the door. The shrieking was too loud to keep her near us. She would follow me out, still screaming, and I'd walk her back to her room saying, "When you've calmed down and stop screaming you can come out. No screaming at the dinner table." The first couple times I had to do this 5-6 times (maybe more) and I kept everything the same. (My son, who is two years older found this very amusing.) Eventually she needed to be led to her room fewer times and she never has associated her room with being in trouble. Later we taught her to take a deep breath to calm herself down and that helps too. When she's really upset we try to restate her issue so she knows she's being understood. Nothing's perfect. Lots of luck to you.

With both of my kids I would put them in bed when they did this. My daughter is now 16 months and has her moments where she screams at the top of her lungs. Nothing I do seems to calm her down, so I put her in her crib with her favorite stuffed animal. This seems to mellow her out a bit. I can't stand the screaming either. Good luck and hope you find something that works.

When my children were small and screamed and throw fits. I would get some cold water on my hand and sprinkle the water on there face, it worked for me . you might try that.

Gosh that sounds like a tough situation. I remember before I got saved, I used to tell my babies if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to really cry about. Those words were like volume control, because I would follow through. As I got older, I saw my older kids being mean and telling the younger ones the same and then I realized, that my actions were inappropriate and violent. Hmmm older and some what wiser now...

I'm a school teacher. When I taught Kindergarten, I used to practice taking crying children to the mirror and try to calm them down by showing them what they look like and by speaking in a very quiet calming voice. The last thing they want to see is their face all yuck. Kids quiet down fast when they see themselves this way. Then if that doesn't work, just so that you don't go crazy, find a safe area for a time out...my grand daughter is only 2 and when she throws tantrums we put her in time out for 10 minutes. We have a bedroom with just a bed and a lot of pillows...she must stay on the bed. She suffers from frustration i think. If she comes off she gets to go back on again. Set a timer so she knows when the timer stops, the ring means something. But she has to be quiet on the ring to come out. Otherwise I say, "Awe, You're not ready yet, I'll be back in ten.Set the timer again" After that I go back and say, I'm having so much fun if you stop when I come back you can join me. Do this not more than 3 times...sometimes, baby just needs to cry and sleep. Get your husband the plugs for his ears...at least you know you're developing babies voice. CONSISTENT IS THE BEST POLICY!!! You and baby will be in my prayers.

Check out The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp - he has both a DVD and a book. The DVD will give you the basics and the book goes into more detail. It will not only help with the temper tantrums, but teach her patience!! Dr. Karp also has The Happiest Baby on the Block, so be sure to pick up the "Toddler" version.
His techniques make so much sense and really do work!

The good news is, your wonderful child is trying to learn how to develop complex speech and perspective, how to look at the world and how to treat people.

The age your daughter is at is the age kids start to develop to a deeper level whether they will see others as objects, enemies, or people. In fact, your time with your child now will determine the "quality of the road" so to speak your grandchildren will "drive" down.

Thank goodness these days we have resources that our parents and their parents could only dream of. It is a bit of a journey to pioneer, yet here are some invaluable book-gems. I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundgrens is a great starting place. It's approach will transform what is going on so it feels productive instead of stagnant. The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute will be a boon. You really are on the same team with your child. These take us from the dreaded role of master martyr to the longed for role of master peacemaker, both of which are very contageous roles to our children.

To step in your daughter's shoes for a moment, imagine being two going on three. Your complex socialization needs are beginning to emerge and the window for having those become second nature is going to be closing soon. As a child, your parents are the most powerful example you will have for good or ill and, in horror, you find out your parents are feeling all thumbs about the task. I think anyone would shriek =).

I hope you will get these books, or which ever ones others might post after me, give your daughter a kiss on the forehead, and let her know everything is going to be OK. (There are many valuable resources, these two are just the best I can think of for your immediate situation.)

So many of us are pioneering right now! So, relax, have some FUN with it, and know your daughter is going to be blessed!!!

J. - before i became a stay at home mom, i was a 911 operator. needless to say, i learned A LOT about how to stay calm when someone is screaming at you! haha then again, i WAS getting PAID to listen to people calling me everything but a child of God... somehow, it's harder with kids, huh? well, kids AND adults respond to a calm/quiet (almost whisper)voice - believe me. if you raise your voice in response to HER raised voice....well, you can guess that THAT will not work. and if you ignore her, you may have the result of her yelling even louder.just think, if she's yelling, she's trying to tell you something, & then if you don't acknowledge it - that would frustrate anyone (child OR adult). since you said that she is not hurt or upset when she's doing this, i would suggest trying to figure out what it is she's attempting to tell you. ex : she's shreiking while holding a book in her hand ='s she wants to show you the book. she's shreiking while pulling on her shirt ='s maybe she's hot & needs her shirt off.....you get the idea. ANYWAY, once you figure out what the "issue" is, you speak calmly, slowly, & quietly - acknowledge her with something like, "wow. it sounds like my little girl wants to show mommy the book she's holding, is that right?"... no matter how much she yells, continue to answer her, but ONLY in a calm, quiet voice. you will notice that her responses will also become quieter. p.s. i agree w/the other mom's who suggested that a reward system (stickers & the like) is a great idea. this worked for my son when he was that age. remember, kids at this age CAN understand YOU, they just don't quite have the handle on their OWN communication yet. take her out to a craft store & let her pick out some stickers. make a chart on some construction paper & post it on the fridge. then, when she's well behaved, you can verbally acknowledge her good behavoir & have her put the sticker in the appropriate area. when it's filled up, she gets a special treat/toy/outing to the park, etc... good luck to ya! i hope you post an update as to how this all works out for you guys.......p.p.s. bless your poor hubby, with his already ringing ears! give him a big kiss! (maybe HE needs a sticker chart, too!) haha

I usually just tell my shrieker that when she calms down I will talk to her. Mind you that could take a long time and a big mess later but it usually works and then she has to take a timeout for her behavior.

Hi J.,
I don't believe that ignoring any inappropriate behavior is wise, nor will it teach and prepare anyone for the real world. Children need to be taught that there are negative as well as positive consequences for our actions. Dr. James Dobson wrote some excelent books on raising children. Two of my favorites are: "Dare to disclipline", and "The Strong Willed Child". He has proven to be an amazing resource in my life, and so many friends and families as well. I'm sure he can help your family as well. Take care,
V.

I like Dr. Phil's philosophy of parenting. He advocates a mix of catching your child being good and punishing bad behavior. For example, set up a sticker chart and give her a sticker for every period of time that she doesn't scream. Start with smaller increments, like one hour, and gradually build to longer periods. After every 10 stickers, give her a small reward such as a little toy or trip to a favorite place (e.g. the playground). When she does use a a quiet voice, give her a hug and tell her how she's a big girl for using such a nice voice.

Time outs are effective under two conditions: 1) They must be consistently applied every time the bad behavior occurs; and 2) The time-out room must be a boring place. My time-out room at home is the guest bathroom, which consists of a sink, toilet, and towel. The most common mistake that parents make is using a child's room as the time-out room. What's in a child's room? Her toys. She is basically being reinforced for bad behavior by being sent to play with her toys. Every time she screams, put her into a boring room for 2-3 minutes.

Dr. Phil also advocates taking away a child's favorite things and having her earn them back through good behavior. This can be done in conjunction with a sticker chart. When she earns 10 stickers, she can earn back one of her toys. Even a 2.5-year-old will figure out that if she stops screaming, she will earn back her favorite things.

If you start doing the above things, her behavior may escalate at first. This is completely normal. She will be trying to test you because the rules have suddenly changed. But if you are consistent, after a short period of time the screaming will decrease significantly.

Read Dr. Phil's "Family First" for more on his use of rewards and punishments.

I always found that mature heart to hearts with my children worked best. (even when they are very young). Have the first conversation during a calm time when she isn't doing the screaming, and just talk to her. She may seem young, but believe me they are smarter than you think. Then, when she starts the screaming, in a calm voice remind her of your conversation. It may take repeated reminders since it has been going on, because it is harder to stop the behavior the longer it has gone on. Whenever my children attempted inappropriate behavior (hitting, screaming, tantrums, etc...) I had great luck with nipping it in the bud early by explaining to them that it hurt my ears, my feelings, someone else( with the hitting, biting) or whatever the case. The key is for you to remain calm yourself. I would then ask them if they would like it if it were done to them. For instance, ask your child how she would like it if you started screaming like she did. Explain that it would upset her because she wouldn't know why you were doing it, didn't know when you would stop, how to make you feel better, etc... Tell her that it hurts daddy's ears, hurts your feelings and makes you sad. Does she like making you sad? Does she like making herself sad? Tell her how much you love her and that you want her to be happy. When she screams, it doesn't make anyone feel better only worse. Ask her to tell you why she does it and if she doesn't know why, you can say "I can only guess it is because you want to get our attention or you can get your way. There are so many better ways to get our attention, such as....(give her examples)". If she is only trying to get her way, explain why she can't have everything she wants. (health reasons for candy, money restrictions for material things, etc...). I always ended every conversation with... "Does that make sense to you?" or "Do you understand?". If it didn't, I kept talking until it did. That always worked for me, so I hope it works for you. I have 2 grown children who turned out very well and they are my best friends to this day. We talked everything out and I started it at this early age that you are at right now.

"I've read everywhere that the best approach to screaming/shrieking from a toddler (ours is 2 1/2) is to ignore it, since it's a request for attention."

When you go to a customer service desk and request attention, do you appreciate it if they ignore you? Might you reach the point of shrieking if it was needed to draw attention to your plight?

Toddlers are still learning to communicate, including modulating their voices. Show her what's appropriate by answering calmly, and tell her why this doesn't work for you. A trick I learned while teaching was to make my voice get quieter as children's get louder--works almost all the time. You've gotten a lot of other good advice about outdoor vs. indoor voices.

Treating children with respect goes against what seems familiar to most of us from our own upbringing, but pays off as they respond in kind. Good luck in finding a solution to this.

In a kooky-calm voice I tell my daughter that I cannot understand her when she shouts/shrieks/etc. I explain that we live close to our neighbors and that they will think something is terribly wrong and also that yelling in inconsiderate/ not kind.

Holding her (can seem like restraining at first) and taking deep breathes helps. Just try to connect as quickly as possible to diffuse the situation without giving the power to her. Good Luck!

I got my son to call "Mama" if he needed my attention. That helped on the screaming a lot. Try to help her identify what she is feeling, and give her the words to describe that. Otherwise, if she's just using her voice, you could reinforce that it's an outside activity, bring her outside immediately and screech with her for a few minutes, then come back inside and talk about inside voices. Also, tell her about her dad's ears and how they hurt. You might be surprised how sensitive she is. . . If she is upset, you could try what works for my son - I ask him to take a deep breath and calm down. I breathe with him to show him how. Also, distraction can help - what about putting on some music and dancing? Or play-dough? Something physical to get her body moving. I will sometimes tell my son that I need some quiet time and more space, so I'll move to a different room, but this often makes it worse.
I also recommend Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. It can really help with these dilemmas!

My sister's daughter did this a lot at about the same age. She was screaming ALL THE TIME. My sister told her that we only scream when we are driving under bridges. They spent enough time in the car that this worked very well, and my sister wished there weren't so many bridges! She screamed under bridges for as long as I can remember. I wouldn't be surprised if she still does it (she's 18 now!:). I'm trying to think of a similar trick with my little two year old boy now, as he is beginning to air out his lungs. We don't spend a lot of time in the car, so the bridge thing won't work for us, I don't think. But maybe you can think of an appropriate setting for your daughter to scream in. If there is a place that you regularly go every day or something you do where it would be appropriate for her to release all that vocal energy on a regular basis.

I'm not sure I'm the best one to answer this one since my DS was a complete monster until he turned 4. I read (at least partially) several books including "The Strong Willed Child" and "Dare to Dicipline" by Dr. Dobson and "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Karp as well as "The Dicipline Book" by Dr. Sears, all good books with good info.
My DS doesn't have screaming fits anymore, but gawd can he whine! The general concensis is to circumvent (sorry, I'm a terrible speller) the problem by spending lots of time with them and be attentive to their needs so they don't get to the screaming point. I thought this was good advice, albeit very unrealistic (still is) when you have a newborn, or even try to manage basic household chores.
One tactic I saw on Super Nanny that I liked is to get down to their level and look them directly in the eye and tell them to stop (I'd add it hurts my ears etc.).
My DD is 15 mos and about to enter the difficult age (for my DS the worst of it was between 18 mos and 4 years)

Come from behind and put both your arm around her in a bear hug to restrain her and whisper in her ear that you need her to talk because you can't understand the her because the noise is too loud. See if she will repeat what she has screamed in a quieter voice. It may take numerous repetitions, but it may work.

The other alternative is to do what Sharon suggested and tell her to go to her room because you can't have this noise around you and your husband. You like her company and she may return anytime she isn't screaming. My middle son when about 3 year spend a number meals in his room because he would scream at the table and we told him he couldn't do that at the table...so he had to go to his room. It took a surprisingly short time for him to stop the behavior.
H.

My daughter is 9 and still occasionally does that glass-shattering shreiking thing just for attention. I've discovered that when she's with friends, they ALL seem to do this, each trying to be louder than the others. AUGH!

We've always just told her, "You can't do that around me or dad. It hurts our ears." Then we tell her she has to stay in her room or outside until the shreiking is done. If necessary, we carried her there when she was little. If she quieted down and came out of her room and started it up again, we sent her straight back. That way, she doesn't get into the power struggle of having been told "no," (she can keep doing it all she wants, which is what a strong willed child wants) but you don't have to be subjected to the worst of the noise. Eventually, she'll either decide it's not worth it and give it up or, like my daughter, save it (at least most of the time) for her friends.

Hi J.,
My strong willed little girl used to scream for over an hour. Do you stay in the room with her or move away from her? The best way to get through this for me was to move away from her and continue to do it each time she followed me. As soon as she calmed down I would get down on the floor with her and hug her and praise her for calming down and lavish her with attention... play a game or tickle or something fun. It took a while but she figured out that attention came from being calm not screaming. My pediatrician also told me that it is good for toddlers to develop these coping skills. After she calms down you can also ell her how she can use her words to tell you how she is feeling and not scream and really praise her when she does this too. Sometimes my daughter was so bad I would have to put her in her room until she calmed down and I would always tell her calmly that she could come out as soon as she calmed down. I know this is hard for your husband but she will grow out of it.
C. :-)

i hug it out when my son is screaming or having a little fit..i know there's a book all about it..but i haven't read it..just did it and it works. also for your husband he should try "serrapeptase" you should google it..could help w/ his ringing.. it's cheap too..around $13 at vitacost.com and if you go thru ebates even cheaper. good luck*

It may be a phase that hopefully she'll be over soon.

Give her eye contact (that may be what she's looking for), tell her that it is not good to scream, then say that if she stops screaming you'll do <fill in the blank> with her.

To stop her screaming quickly, distract her with something else. If the distraction is good, it'll work.

It sounds as if she is having a problem modulating her emotions. If I were you I'd meet with a good child psychologist, and a good occupational therapist, and a good speech therapist and run all of this by them. She may have some sensory integration issues. It sounds as though she just can't control herself, more of a modulation issue.

Hate to tell you this, but spanking, yelling back, and blowing in her face won't help at all, and in fact, will make it worse. You need to figure out what is triggering this and stop it before it starts. I would also make a really big deal when she controls herself.

Maybe this is something you have already done, but ...

My daughter does the same thing. We tell her not in the house - inside voice, but outside she came scream to her heart's content. She will go out in her play area on the patio and shriek. It works a good chunk of the time. :)

Hi J.,

I would ask her why she is doing it? I would also teach her where it would be appopriate to scream. Like outside or into pillow. The next time she screams I would say "NO thank you, that hurts my ears" When she keeps it up put her outside and say you can scream out hear." "You may come in when you are all done." If you are consistant it will work! All three of my kids go outside when they are hurting my ears rain, heat or whatever it doesn't take very long for them to decide its much more fun to be inside with me. Good luck!

I just got a book by Ginger Plowman, called No More Whining--and so far it seems great. It is a very short (10 pages) book and comes with a children's book and a No Whine watch for toddlers. One thing that I read, which jumped out at me was this "parents have a responsibility to train their children in wisdom for daily living. when children whine (or scream) it should be viewed as a precious opportunity to train them in self-control, not as a frustrating moment of inconvenience for mom. to ignore them is to shirk your responsibilty to train them--to give in is to reward and reinforce wrong behavior." It is a short, quick read with a 3 step solution that supposedly really works--I'll let you know how it works for me. But I think it can be found rather inexpensively at Amazon--I got it from www.gingerplowman.com. Hope this helps. D.

Its her way of comunicating, when she shrieks, is she wanting something, it is getting your attention, watch to see if she is near an item she might want, if so tell her no screaming and teach her the word for the item she wants, if its just that she has found her voice, you might have to do the No's firmly tell her no screaming, and put her in a time out chair for a minute, you have to be consisant with it and every time she does it tell her no screaming and to the time out chair. She will only learn if you teach her the words of the items she wants, or by telling her no every time.

Its hard when they are so darn cute.

Try explaining to her the noise she is making is not to an inside noise, it is ment for outside. Just keep reminding her of this and ask her do you need to go outside to make that noise? Take her outside for a bit and let her go.
I find when kids do not listen (and she sounds pretty smart like my little one) you start taking things from them. I always start with the "toy of the day" My son always picks a certain toy for a day or two and plays with just that one. SO i tell him if he will not listen then i am going to take his toy. it tends to work well with him.
Good luck, my son also makes that noise. hehas learned it is for outside, he still forgets and does it sometimes, but alls i have to do now is look at him and he will smile and say sorry.
Take care
B.

Maybe try 1-2-3 Magic with her. It has really helped usour 3 year old. Also, the most important thing is to pay attention to her. I think Jenn's letter was good also (get the therapists involved with her in case there is a developmental or language problem). Good luck in your situation. I don't believe that blowing in her face, yelling, or physical methods will work effectively.