Looking for a Way to Gently Get My Oldest Out of the Nest!

I actually think 21 is a little young to start getting anxious to have him leave the nest. Especially if he's in school. I lived at home while I was in school and will encourage my children to do the same, because it helped me save instead of having to take out student loans. Now, if you feel he is being irresponsible, then that is a different story. If you feel he needs to help out more around the house, give him more responsibility, like helping cook dinner or whatever you feel is fair. Be firm that if he is going to continue to live in your home, he needs to meet some set requirements (hold down a job, pay for his own stuff, be in charge of XYZ around the house, follow certain rules, or whatever is important to you). But if you feel like he is being responsible, I would personally let him stay. Make him share a room with someone to make room for the baby if that's what you want and he'll just have to realize that is a part of living there and it is his choice. It is your house after all, and you need to make it comfortable for you. He is at an age when big life choices are being made and you want to be as big an influence on him as possible, so this might be a blessing in the long run.

By the way, I lived at home (enrolled full-time in college) until I got married and I was extremely responsible even though I had never lived on my own before. In fact, I think I had an easier time adjusting than my husband did even though he was 6 years older and had lived with roommates because I shared a room with my sister my whole life and my husband was an only child. The real world wasn't a shock for me because my mom had always allowed and enforced real world consequences for our choices.

Hi D., I still have little one's so will be facing this someday, but this happened to my girlfriend. What she and her husband did was give like a 3-4 month time frame and told their daughter she had to be out by that date. They encouraged her to get a better paying job and sort of see the big picture, how fun it would be to have her own place, decorate, have friends over, do whatever you want...you get the picture. They always told her if something happened, she was always welcome back home, so that was an option. She ended up getting a better job and a room-mate and has been out of the house since then! So I guess just point out the positives, none of us know what the future holds, but life is an adventure! it's time to start living it! and also, he shouldn't commit to a marriage if he can't even support himself! maybe that will help get him out! well, i will see what everyone else says, but good luck with this!

Hi D., i'm not a mother yet, so i don't know what its like from your point of view, but as a a daughter that couldn't wait to get out on my own, i've never understood those that wanted to stay at home as long as possible. that being said my mom always said that if you are over the age of 18 and not enrolled in college full time, then it's time to start paying rent. so either we had to 1. go to college 2. pay rent to live at home (with my mom's rules) or 3. pay rent to a landlord and have some freedom. i chose 1 and 3. my step sister chose 1 and lived at home. the minute she graduated from college my mom told her what rent would be (which was much less than outside places) but she chose to move out and is doing great on her own. either way, young men and women need to know what it's like out there own their own pulling their own weight in this world. parents are not doing any favors to our future adults if they don't let them stand on their own two feet.(i'm sure that's easier said then done, i know.) i always knew that if i came up on hard times i could always ask my mom and dad for help, luckily i haven't needed it yet.
i guess some young adults just need a little nudge to go out on their own and experience life.
good luck.

Hi D.,

Well, my 6 year old son is already telling me that I force him to do things. So, I started giving him choices - either pick up your toys so you can go outside to play, or stay in your room until your toys are put away. That way I'm not forcing him, but hopefully teaching him some responsibility. :) Give your son some choices - live at home, follow our rules and pay rent and contribute to utilities like you would in the real world OR move out on your own and gain confidence and even more resposibility. I made the choice to move out when I was 19 because I felt I was too old for my (mostly father's) parent's strict rules. Not saying it was easy by any means, but it taught me way more about the real world than living at home and I met some of my best friends as roommates. Plus, my husband said it made him feel better marrying someone who lived on their own than marrying someone who went straight from mommy and daddy's house to marriage. It was the same for me. I don't think you should force your son out, but having him pay rent and enforcing stricter rules (I still had a midnight curfew at 18!) may be just the "gentle push" you're looking for. It's hard to let go, but your son might just surprise himself out on his own. Good luck!

I would sit down with him (both of you) & simply state that now that your youngest is now at a point in his life to have his own room & for him to be on his own. Give him a certain period of time to get a place. There are big houses every where that they rent rooms out for an average of $200-$500 per month with utilities and that is basically what he does there but without the extra incom for you....LOL..He does not want to have to pay someone else to live elsewhere when he can just keep his money & buy whatever he wants. He would be "learning" how to pay the rent with his money but not really have to worry about the utilities in his name or having to be responsible as well for utilities. Then when he does marry his girlfriend, he would already be more independent. Help him & go with him on places & have a timeline of when he needs to be out. Legally, when he turned 18, you were no longer required to have him reside there BUT just like any landlord & tenant..if it gets nasty you would have to evict him. Giving him a 30 day (or whatever the parents have agreed on the amount) move out letter can help back you guys up. He will love & appreciate you after he gets a taste of the "real world". LOL Good Luck.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'd stick with him for a while longer. I could never imagine telling my offspring to get out. Unless, of course, this goes on for too long. I don't think these young adults are all that responsible. I think it's rediculous that at 18 parents lose all rights (think of this in the medical sense...you can't even talk to a doctor about any medical issues he may have). Most young adults these days aren't even mature enough at 21. My daughter is 21 and even though she is a bit mature for her age I think she's better off home for a couple more years. Granted she is in college and she has a part time job and we don't have an issue with space but I think if it were me, I'd rather suffer a bit longer being cramped than to send my child out in this very cruel world sooner than really necessary.

You should set rules though. Tell him he HAS to pay rent. If he's not going to get an education he should at least contribute to the household in more ways than just financially. Take this time to observe him and be sure he can handle things on his own.

Your little one is still so little that another year shouldn't hurt. I doubt he'll ever remember that he had to share a room with mom and dad for a while. Besides, I can't imagine him not sleeping through the night at this age....maybe moving him in with a sibling will help.

I know that it is important for you and your husband to have your own room back, you need your alone time. Maybe until your son makes his move you can get creative and get your alone time another way. He's obviously old enough to take your other children out for several hours or to even stay with them for a weekend every so often so you and your husband can get away for a romantic weekend.

This is all going to pass sooner than you think. Time flies....our kids grow so quickly and before we know it we're all alone. Don't rush it...I'm sure he'll be moving sooner than you think! If and when he does, be there for him to help him make the right choices....steer him in the right direction so he doesn't end up in a messy situation. Be sure you are comfortable with where he choses to live. Once he makes his move you don't want him to have to move back because "he fell on hard luck" that would be worse for him. It's very hard to have to move back in with the parents! :)

Good luck!

Hi D.,

You could do what my parents did to me and just tell him you're selling the house and moving 6 hours away. You have 4 months to find an apartment. :) (Seriously, they did that, but I was getting ready to move out anyway.)

As the mom of a 5 year old, I joke that by High School graduation, he better be enrolled in college, enlisted in the military or recruited by some great company. I was out on my own at 17, and I won't lie...it wasn't always great, but I have a lot more respect for myself that I wasn't still living with mom and dad in my 20s basically free-loading. I DID move back with them for awhile while I went back to school so I could save some money, (hence the comment above) but I was paying rent to them and helped with other stuff.

I'd say until he gets married, charge him rent. At 21, I would think the bigger step would be marriage with his girlfriend. He needs a shove out. If he thinks he's old enough to get married, he's old enough to rent an apartment or a house with some friends and be a grown-up. It may sound harsh, but the reality is, he and the girlfriend could break up tomorrow and then he's back in the same rut, and you're back at square one.

I don't envy you being in the position, and who knows? As harsh as my view is on the subject, I could be in the same situation in the future. My biggest fear is that my son will be the kid with the computer lab living in my basement at 30....Good luck no matter what you decide.

Some great responses already. I agreee fully with them. It is a good thing to force your son to grow up and live on his own. He's too old to be living at home with momma. That's great your relationship is strong enough that he would want to, but he needs to go out on his own. 21 is far old enough for him to be an adult. He needs a gentle "push" out of the nest. I like that idea of renting a room in someone elses house. Cheap, and still part of a "household" kindof.

start charging him rent