Looking to Find Joy in Being an Only Child

I have two boys from my first marriage, ages 17 and 15. My husband and I were married three years ago and have a 2 1/2 year old son. We do consider him any "only" child because of the age gap and also have wrestled with this issue. My husband was an only child and remembers wanting a sibling, so it was a tough choice for us to only have Alex. My husband did make a statement once that I'll never forget. He said he didn't think we should have another because he couldn't imagine having to share the love he gives Alex with two people, he didn't think it would be fair.

Just to turn the tables, I am the oldest of four and can't imagine how cool I think it would be to have had my parents to myself growing up...it is a tough issue either way :)

My son is an only child too, and he has only asked me twice for a brother or sister. It's been a couple of years since he has asked me (he's 7) and I think it's because of the explanation I gave him, which seemed to satisfy him. I gave him two reasons, the second of which you may or not be able to use; it depends on if you've had your tubes tied or not, lol. Anyway, first I told him that Daddy and I loved him so much, that we only wanted to focus on him and our love for him instead of dividing it between two children (I think he ate that up - it made him feel special). And secondly, because my tubes are already tied (I had the surgery 3 years after I had him), I told him that Mommy couldn't have any more babies anyway. I think the first time he asked me for a brother or sister he asked why I couldn't have more babies and I just told him. I made it simple though; I told him that Mommy was "fixed" so that I couldn't have any more babies.

I hope this helps!!

I've been thinking similar thoughts. Although our daughter isn't yet old enough to express an interest in a brother/sister, I am. I find myself making an effort to insure that she plays with others several times a week and find myself searching out other parents of one-zies to see what they've found. Most express, like you have, that they feel that all in all their lives are well rounded with connections with cousins and family friends so that the loneliness that may have been is actually replaced by a very enriched social fabric. Like you say, every family has its own balance. LOL, D.

I can tell you first hand that being an only child has many benefits. I am an only child. I don't know what your financial status is like, but my parents were lower middle income (not low enough for financial support, but not high enough to live comfortably). They lived paycheck to paycheck and we were able to do things as a family that another child would have prevented us from doing. We went camping all the time which was great. There is never fighting amongst siblings, which if her friends have siblings I am sure she has witnessed. There is never that, "you can't have that because your sister or brother will want one too". There is no choosing between activities. Your daughter has your full attention. There are a lot of good things that you can emphasize. Just think about the things you do now with her and how each activity would be affected by another child. I would bet if you sit down and talk with your daughter about those things she would soon realize how great she has it. You never mentioned how old she is, but sometimes kids just like the idea of playing with a baby, and don't think about all the other responsibilities that go along with raising a baby. I also don't know how old she was when you were trying to conceive another or if you ever discussed it with her, but maybe your desire for another was so strong that she started to want it too....except its harder for her to understand why it's not happening. I am sure your daughter will learn to accept and love her role as an only as I did. And make sure she keeps close friends. Its not as important to have many as it is to have close ones. I have three very close friends that I consider my sisters and my daughter now (who may be an only herself, by choice)calls auntie!!!

It took so long to have my daughter and it's doubtful we will have another one. I felt sad too but realized how lucky we are to have her. We could have faced a life without a child but it is such a better place with her in it. My husband comes from a large family ( 3 older brothers and 2 younger sisters). With all that my husband has faced in his life, the death of a parent and a close friend,happy times and sad times and just plain regular days, he has shared all that with me and his best friend. I come from a very small family. I have one brother and no cousins. I thought this would make us close but not really. I think as my daughter gets older she will value the realtionships she has with her friends and her family.I know she won't spend her life alone because she will have a husband and kids of her own someday, sister in laws and brother in laws and cousins. Your child is blessed in her own right to have you in her life and it sounds as though she has friends and family that love her. How nice that is.

Tell her that you love her, and wanted to have more kids but didn't. Don't lie to her. Try to be as honest as possible and tell her that your love for her is so strong, and great that it doesn't matter that she is an only child. Explain to her the positive things of being an only child...not having to share a room, getting to have special time with Mom/Dad, not having to be second to anyone...Tell her of the things she'd miss out on not being an only child-like attention..And how dramaticly a new baby changes things.
Also explain to her how it bothers you that she asks for a sibling. Tell her how you feel when she tells you she wants siblings. Tell her that it is a great idea, and how wonderful ideas and dreams are and how you had the same dreams..Some dreams are better as dreams and not reality.
You may even consider babysitting someone's baby for a while. Have a new baby/other child in the house (temporarily) to show her how things change. Let her see first hand how a new baby would fit in her world.(It would also give a new Mom/any Mom some needed time away from their baby to run errands.) She may even come to the conclusion that she really doesn't want siblings. She just wants to try it for a while. Everyone always wants the things they can't/don't have. Like for me it's straight managable hair, not the wild wavy stuff I've got. I'm sure if I had straight hair I'd just want it curly, or something else. I don't know what else to suggest, other than keep trying things, and be as open as possible. Hope things work out.

I know how you feel, I had to go through alot to have my daughter and I would like to have another but because of complications from my first pregnancy, he doesn't want to take chances. I have been telling my daughter that the reason why she probably won't have any siblings is because mommy just isn't able to have babies anymore but she should be glad that she has really close friends that are like her brother and sister.she is still a little disappointed but I like to pretend that she understands. I also point pout that is she had any siblings that she would have to share EVERYTHING including us. That usually gets he r attention and gets her thinking. Hope this helps. Good luck
Jess

This is tricky and one I know I will have to deal with too. I have an only child myself and we struggled to have her. I always wanted two also, but I swear when I had her I really felt like my family was whole. Maybe show her a puzzle with a missing piece and explain that she fills that space and that your family is complete now. Puzzles like families come in all shapes and sizes. Yours includes only her and that completed your puzzle. When she is older and can understand you can tell her about the struggles and also make it more clear that she is enough for you and that you feel so blessed to have her.

I truly know how you feel... I have a son who almost died at birth... He had open heart surgery at 6 days old... He is 4 now and very active... He wants a baby brother or sister... I can not have any more children... I just tell him mommy can not have another child but I have you and that's what God wanted me to have... A good book "God Gave Us You" by: Lisa Tawn Bergren... I cried the first time I read it, but it is a good story for the little ones... He loves to see babies and just wants to touch them and tickle them... It breaks my heart but I am blessed to have him... I wish luck and she will understand... God Bless and Have a Wonderful and safe Holiday...
M.

I also have one child. She came late in my life, and is the only grandchild between both my and my husband's family. I sometimes worry about her being alone later in life but am learning to let that go. She just turned three and is beginning to see the value of having all our love. Many of her friends are getting siblings, some welcome it while others are really struggling. What I'm getting to is that there are no guarantees. Being an only child does not guarantee that you will be alone and having a sibling does not guarantee family. So long as your child is loved, well adjusted and socialized, they will create their own "family".

I hope you do not feel quilt, because there is guilt either way. If you have more children, there is less for each one. If you have one they might be lonely. Just focus on raising a happy child and enjoying her, the rest will work itself out.