Losing My Temper with My Toddler and I Don't like It. Please Help Me

I totally understand how you feel. I find myself doing the same thing with my 2 year old. Please know that you are not alone! If I find myself becoming that angry/frustrated, I sometimes just walk outside or in the garage and take a few breaths. I know it's not going to make everything better, but it gives me a minute to think about what I'm doing.

I used to count to 10 or leave the room for a short time. If this doesn't work then I would seek some help with a sitter as you suggested. K. B.

L., everyone yells at their kids and even grabs them from time to time. But here is what I hear from your letter. It doesn't feel "right" to you.
Your symptoms are the same as mine started out. After struggling for almost two years I finally spoke up and was diagnosed with depression. My mild postpartum turned into major depression because it wasn't treated. I had mentioned it to my OB at one point but he dismissed it. Big mistake. Here is my advise. Go to your general physician, tell him/her about the mood swings/anger/frustration, mention the possibility of depression, and they will give you simple 10 or so question test that is very effective in diagnosing depression. Then take it from there. Don't wait another day.

I have had the same experiences as you. My issues were a combination of things. I had post-partum depression that went undiagnosed for a long time as I wasn't depressed, just very edgy and uptight. The medication I took works wonders.
I think the hardest part of being a stay at home mom is having a positive attitude. Definitely take time for yourself. I joined a gym that has childcare provided and I go as often as possible.
I also read books about why toddlers act as they do. It helped me understand that my child wasn't being bad, just a normal 2 year old.
Take care of yourself because your family depends on you. You would be doing them a disservice if you neglect yourself.

what i would recommend is talking to your doctor. its highly possible you have some post partum depression.

firstly i want you to know that this is OK, it doesnt mean you are a bad person, you just need some help during this time in your life. theres nothing anyone is doing to cause this, especially not your children ... so have peace that this just happens to some people, and when you get the help you need, you will feel a hundred times better! :D

just talk to your doctor, or even WIC counselors... or go straight to a counselor if you know where to find that. :D

good luck, and i hope you feel better soon. we all go through something like this once in a while as monthers, but since its so soon after the birth of your youngest, i would really encourage you to check out post partum issues.
:D

L. thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I remember being there when my daughter was younger (about that age too) and I didn't know what I was goint to do. I felt like a failure in so many ways (one being that I was a single unwed mom....and not handling myself how I should) BUT I did what a lot of these other moms are mentioning - I reached out to a few TRUSTED, LOYAL, NON JUDGEMENTAL friends, and other moms. I was very honest with them and I would actually call them when I would get to this point, in the moment (or right after) so it was all fresh and they could get it first hand and encourage me through the pain and regret I was feeling. And it is defintely always good to talk to your child about what happened. Admit what you did and WHY it was wrong, not just that you were sorry about it... these are AMAZING life lessons for all of you.

I also feel that depression is sometimes way too easy to just "write it off" with. This is life. You're a mom and sometimes life is stressful. Sometimes when your needs aren't being met (how you feel they should be) it is extremely hard to function in a "proper" way and that happens to EVERYONE. I (PERSONALLY) do not like how many doctors out there just give meds to every other person that shows signs of depression, I would use this very cautiously. Be aware of it and let your doctor know that you have had "weird" feelings and are keeping an on it, but I would also look into other resorces. The Five Love Languares of Kids is a GREAT book to learn about how people feel loved and when they aren't getting their "love tanks" filled the way they need it they are (and everyone) is more prone to not respond well to the person. This has been a BIG help in learning about my daugher, makes me MUCH MORE observant to her and how and why she responds to situations. Another one is the book Boundaries... this one is an over all great book to learn about setting boundaries for yourself and allowing yourself to take responsibility for the things that you CAN and not to allow yourself to try to take on others responsibilities. (hard to explain) anyway, I would defintiely check out a couple books and start there... and... there is NOTHING wrong (when you feel frustration coming on) to say, "I can not do this right now honey, I love you, but I need to go ________ for a min and start over." then go to the bathroom, your bedroom, etc and shut the door, take a min or two (or more if you need it) and come out and START OVER. You can do this and it will get better. Stay strong and stay positive. Good luck!

There have been a lot of great responses here, and I won't repeat all the wonderful suggestions. I wanted to commend you on being honest and admitting that there may be a problem developing and seeking help. While I agree that a lot can go wrong and your kids can turn out fine, I wanted to write to you from the perspective of a child that grew up with an out of control mother. I'm not saying you are at that stage, I just want to encourage you to get help now while it is developing, rather than waiting until the anger problem is huge and damage has been done. My mother's anger escalated as we grew until she was a rage-a-holic and was physically, mentally, emotionally abusive when she was angry. She was always sorry and I don't think she meant to do harm, she wanted to be a good mother and still does. But there was much damage done to my siblings and myself, especially as I would try and attract the anger to funnel it away from my younger siblings. So, please get some counseling or childhood education to help because this might get worse with time, and not better. Find a counselor you really like or a program that really makes sense to you. Thank you for being honest and real about what is happening. I'm sure your kids are fine now, it's when it happens for a long time that trust is shattered and can't always be rebuilt after a certain point. I admire your courage in being honest! Anger is a hard emotion to learn to manage, it took me quite a while to break the bad habits I had learned growing up, and extra stress or sickness makes it even more difficult.

I can totally relate! I have a 3 1/2 year old, and I'm a part time "single" mom- my husband is out of town about 17 days a month, and work part time. My daughter is VERY strong willed and is constantly testing the boundaries. I try to be as consistant as possible with the rules, but I am finding myself getting more physical than I would like when she is literally physically fighting me and disrespecting me (ie. taking her shoes off in the car and throwing them at me). She's an absolute sweetheart sometimes, but she has her moments. I finally realized the problem wasn't really me, it is mostly her. The solution is that I need to find better ways to discipline her and creative ways to communicate with her to let her know who is boss (and prevent the anger from starting). I borrowed Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel from my daycare lady, and started to read it. There are some really good ideas on effective corrections for specific behaviors, and also a toddler chapter that has ideas for rewards/behavior modification. I've also heard that "Growing Kids God's Way" classes/books are excellent, and one of my friends uses the Love and Logic books with success. I think part of your problem is the sleep deprivation and lack of sleep, and the other part is just trying to learn how to discipline a toddler (who is now probably acting out more). Take some time for you (yes, it's okay, we all need it, and we're better moms for it). And, if these things don't seem to help or you feel absolutely completely overwhelmed, then talk to your doctor about getting on some depression meds. Please, know you're not the only one out there, and no one thinks badly of you. We all do the best we can, and sometimes our children make that very, very hard on us. A couple more suggestions- try to keep a routine for your kids- it definitely helps. And, make sure you add time in there every day for you to just focus on your older child. That will make a huge difference in her behavior. The very best wishes, C.

Please dont' beat yourself up over yelling at them. After all, our parents did it and we turned out okay.

Please listen to what the other moms have said, you really need some time for yourself. I know that several of the moms joined a gym just because it had 2 hours childcare each day for each child. I know it sounds funny but they would go even if they weren't going to exercise. It was a way of having someone else take care of the kid.

I personally find that I need me time at least every other day. Everyday is ideal (and I have a friend who made sure she got her time everyday because otherwise, her toddler and baby were driving her bananas. She loves staying home with them but it was hard for her to have them all the time.)

I'd also recommend joining your local mom's club. I've been in mind since 2005 and it's been a lifesaver. There's 3-4 activities every week, there's playgroup and you have another way to meet people who could potentially become a good friend. We also did ECFE and loved it.

Hi L.,
You're definitely not the only one!
I have 3 1/2 & 5 year old boys. I stay at home with them and also have a party business. Being a stay at home parent is much more challenging than I had ever imagined!
The resources that have helped me the most have been MOMS Club and MOPS. They both give me the opportunity to be social with other moms in the same "stay-at-home" mode. It is a roller coaster ride to say the least! At least I can talk with the other women about my challenges and not feel alone. It's also where I've picked up great tips and resources for mothering as well!
My 2 boys are social and quite well behaved for their ages in public and I think that is a result of our involvement in these two groups.
I also make sure I've got time for me... my jewelry parties are fun (and a need for our household income) and I also play Bunco once month and sometimes a Moms Night Out through Moms Club. Our gym also has a pretty good kids area that my boys love going so I should push myself to get there more regularly.
It is a roller coaster and balance is hard to find or maintain. Just when you overcome one challenge, another is right around the corner! But I'm not giving up on being a stay at home parent because I know the overall rewards are so much greater than the moments of frustration.
I just picked up a book called "When You Feel Like Screaming -Help for Frustrated Mothers". I think I'll start reading it this weekend!
Good luck and blessings!
J.

Just know that 1) you are not the only one! and 2) you may want to try to schedule a quiet weekend away somewhere. It sounds like you are at the end, and you need a drastic recharge. If you can, go have a sleepover at a friends' or go visit your mother (if that is restful, my momma and I get along really well), or something!

Then afterward scheduling some "you" time in each day, even if it is for 10 minutes, should help a lot! Try not to be really hard on yourself (i.e. forgive yourself for the actions you are not liking) and try to be aware of yourself in the future. You won't be perfect all of the time, and that's ok. As long as you are who you aspire to be 95% of the time, I think that your children will grow up just fine!!

You should talk to your Dr. what you describe sounds like you could have PPD. Depression is not always just a deep saddness, it often causes anxitey and other such feelings.

L.,

You are definitely not alone!!!! I am going through this now with my highly active, trouble-making 15 month-old son [who is in his terrible twos already!]. It's normal for your kids to drive you crazy, and like the other posters said...you absolutely need some "me" time. I also get easily frustrated, and on some days, have an ongoing "frustrated mood". I have found that I am more on edge when I did not get enough sleep, and also on the weekends...why the weekends? Because I don't go to work and send my son off to daycare. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart. But I still don't want to be around him 24/7.
If you can manage to get more rest [I know it's hard with a 3 month old] and get a couple of hours to yourself here and there...you will enjoy the time with your kids a lot more and feel so much better all around. It will get much easier as they get older too

Two simple things that may seem silly, but always make me irritable are: not getting enough sleep, and too much caffeine. I found that when I drink more than one diet coke per day at work, especially after 2pm -ish, I am irritable in the evening and more prone to snap at my preschooler (and hubby) when usually I wouldn't. For awhile I thought I was pregnant and cut caffeine out entirely, and I noticed a difference in my anxiety level. Now I try to keep it down to one DC in the morning (I can't stop, but it's my only vice:). And of course everything is harder when you are not getting enough sleep. It's easy to try to be super mom and forget how important sleep really is. When my sleep is interrupted a few nights in a row, I find myself losing patience about 10 times faster than usual.

The fact that you are conscious of your every action proves that you are trying your best to be a good mom and most likely are better than you even think. Good job. and good luck! -Ali

Don't put the pressure on yourself to be the perfect mother. Good for you for recognizing this weakness and wanting to do something about it. Try whispering instead of yelling - it will help calm you down and it's amazing what happens when you whisper - kids listen! Or when you feel the anger building, take a time out for yourself. Go to your room calmly, go to the bathroom, whatever it takes. It's okay that our kids know we are frustrated and angry, but how we handle it will affect how they handle themselves with the same emotions. Find some children's books about anger that you can read with your kids. It will help both you and them. I found ECFE classes really helpful too. You get a little mommy time with other adults and can discuss these kinds of things. You also learn so many creative ways to keep your kids focused on positive things. Another approach is 1,2, 3 magic - I believe it's on videotape. When kids listen, you count to 3 and a consequence happens. After awhile, they hear you count and they respond - without any yelling. There's good books out there too - "how to make kids mind without losing yours", etc.

Most of us go through some version of this at some point during our mothering careers. Take an ECFE class. They were my lifesavers when my kids were the ages of your kids. You'll get some time playing with them, some "me" time with other mothers and learn important information about child development and various other topics. Also, if you can afford it consider joining the YMCA or some other type of health club. Our Y has fantastic child care (included with membership) and they take babies too. The older kids do art projects, have story time and play in the gym. You also get the stress reliever of exercising or sitting in the sauna or whatever you want to do with your time. As long as you stay in the building while your kids are in childcare you could even just sit on a couch and read if that's what you wanted to do there. My kids are 9 and 12 and my time at the Y is still my favorite and most significant "me time." I've met some really nice people too. I'm headed there right now! Good luck. One more thing, now that it's almost summer you should soon be able to find a high school or even college student who can sit with your kids a couple of hours a week just so you can run errands or something. I always found it much less stressful to go grocery shopping, to the cleaners, etc. without little ones in tow.

Thank you for writing this! Now I don't feel so alone. I felt like I was reading about myself. I'm also an educated woman- with an education degree. I used to teach preschool and now find my self at my wits end with my own 3-yr-old. I also stay at home now, but I also do in-home childcare. By the end of the day I find I have no patience left for the evening hours with my two toddlers. I have started taking more breaks for "me time" and that is helping. My breaks are simple- a trip to WalMart without the kids, but that 45 minutes really helps me. I just wanted to write to let you know you are not alone. Try doing silly things when you feel yourself starting to get stressed. I often break out in random tunes such as Jingle Bells, Jesus Loves Me, or even Barney when I am about to bust my top. It helps lighten the mood and distracts the kids from what they were doing or fighting over. Don't be too hard on yourself. There is not one perfect mom out there, I don't care what they say.

It depends on what she is doing that is upsetting you so much. But I have found that choices really help kids to behave better. If you want her to put away some toys, ask "do you want to pick these up now or in 5 minutes?" The key to giving choices is to make sure both choices are okay for YOU. "Would you like to take a bath now or in 3 minutes?" "Would you like Cheerios or Oatmeal?" Just little choices throughout the day to give her a little feel of control. You have a new baby, so she is really looking for a lot of your attention she may have gotten before, and can't have as much of now. I learned about choices from a Love and Logic community ed class. Check to see if there is one in your area or who you can contact to find out. www.loveandlogic.com

Honey, let me tell ya!
I used to be there! I used to lose my temper too.
I used to think what I needed was a BREAK.

I can only say that God brought me out from my anger and into a confident , peaceful mothering experience now.

I HIGHLY recommend this website:http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/
It is by mom of TEN kids!!!!!! And she started out frustrated and all of that too....just like regular moms...with 2 or 3 kids and not knowing how to cope the right way.

I have found SO much encouragement from her!!!! I read her book and I know lots of other moms who have too.
Every one of them had a HUGE change in their house! A good one!!!
:)
Kids are all happier and better behaved...
I must say *I* am better behaved now too!
LOL!!!!

I hope you find true encouragement and wisdom!

I always think," God made family. He must have a way for it to be a GOOD GOOD thing! It doesn't have to be a struggle."
:)

May you also find Peace,
A.

Hi L.,
I have also found myself losing my temper with my kids when I am overwhelmed. I think you are absolutely right- you need some help to take some time to rest for yourself. Whenever I hire sitters I always feel more like myself and better able to deal with the extreme stress of raising two small children. You should hire as much help as you can afford (within reason!).

Good luck!

I am so glad that you got so many "me too" responses. We all feel so bad about how we behave in our anger because we never see anyone else do it. You probably have never done it in front of anyone, either. But guess what...we're probably all sitting around feeling this way and thinking we're the only ones.

I have 10 children, and I get told ALL of the time, "I don't know how you do it. I only have 2 and I'm going crazy." And I always tell them that when I had just 2 it was the very hardest time of all. It has never been harder than that (except maybe sometimes when I had just 3). I felt so awful at that time, especially as this behavior did not match up to the good Christian mom I thought I should be able to be. I will say, as I think someone else has mentioned, that when I threw out the condemnation and just asked God to deal with the anger in me I did see a lot of results. I have since learned SOO much about all of this from a spiritual perspective and have found incredible freedom from being controlled by my emotions like anger. I'll share any of this stuff that you might want if you want to contact me. The bottom line here is the potential for incredible change. I do believe that medication can help your feelings, but I'd so much rather overcome them than just feel them less or deal with them better.

I also have to smile with the person who remembered that our parents got angry, too, and we turned out fine. I don't think we hurt our children by getting angry with them. I offer help because it sounds like you are hurting yourself--or at least not as happy as you know you could be.

I think there are two things you can do. One is to get some time to yourself -- you are absolutely right that this can make a difference.

You are in the thick of motherhood right now, with two children who are very young and need you constantly. It's exhausting! If you can get a break - regularly - I'll bet it will help your stress level. Anything else you can do to help with stress is a good idea -- exercise, yoga, meditation, therapy, whatever works for you.

The other thing you could do is look into how to better manage your child's behavior. I always find reading parenting books helpful, but that might not be your style. Maybe you could learn more on the internet and by talking to other moms? If you learn some new behavior management strategies, that might help you avoid those situations where you snap.

Hang in there. You're a good mom, because you're trying to do better. We ALL could do better sometimes.

Have you talked to your doctor? With a 3 month old, this is the perfect time for post-partum depression to set in. Sadness and loosing your temper are some symptoms of depression.

Also, have you checked into ECFE? It is very helpful with a parent educator that gives you ideas and support for being a great parent.

Hi L.,
First off... good for you for recognizing that you need help and willing to admit it. Unfortunately a lot of people are afraid to even do that.
I have 3 1/2 year old twins and a little guy that recently turned one. When my twins were about 1 1/2, I started experiencing the things you're going though... anger, yelling, etc. It was very out of character for me and I felt incredibly guilty about it. I made an appointment with my OB. He said it was postpartum depression and even though my twins were 1 1/2 years old already, it's still possible to have it that late. He said the unfortunate thing is no one talks about it and there are so many women out there that could benefit from medication and don't even realize it.
Long story short... I noticed a difference in my patience level and happiness almost instantly. After the birth of my third, within a few months, I had my medication dosage upped. About six month later, I had it upped one last time. My OB feels I'll probably need it until at least the twins are in school.
Lastly, I also recommend, as many women have already, to join a gym. It's kind of expensive but I'm able to get two hours a day of "free" daycare, seven days a week... if I want to go that often!! There are a few times I've gone just to shower. I think the exercise/"me" time has really made a difference.
So... call your OB and ask about PPD. As my OB said when he prescribed the anti-depressants for me: 'if it doesn't work, that means it's not depression and we'll try something different.'
Good luck. Get help soon because kids grow so fast and you don't want to have to look back with any regret.

Hiring help if you can afford it is a GREAT idea. It will make you a better mom if you take time out for yourself to focus on you and breathe a bit. Try to take some yoga classes or even get out of the house and take a 20 minute walk by yourself to focus your energy in a positive fashion. You might also want to consider talking to your doctor about post partum depression. Even though you may not feel 'depressed', you may be suffering. Always feeling easily frustrated can be a symptom of depression. I suffered from depression years back, but it wasn't the 'classic' I-can't-get-out-of-bed type. I was always cranky, frustrated, moody, easily agitated and just felt yucky overall. It turned out I was suffering from a mild form of depression. I was subsequently treated and was able to get my life back in order.

You're only 3 months out of your pregnancy. Don't overlook the fact that your hormomes are still whacky. Maybe consider keeping a journal for a week to chronical your moods at various times throughout the day? You may see a pattern or a trigger emerge that you weren't considering.

I do the same thing too, and it's very hard to like myself as a mother when I get into that mode. Some things that seem to be helping, at least a little...

I try to remind myself WHY my kids are acting the way they are. I KNOW my oldest melts down when he's tired or hasn't been outside enough or watches too much tv. I try to set him up for success, which makes life easier for me.

I try to remember how I enjoy my kids. Obviously, if I'm to the point where I'm mooshing his face because he's sassing me, I am NOT enjoying my children. If I remember that when he sasses, it's easiest to send him to his room (away from my hands), we both have time to cool down. If I'm REALLY good, I remember that I can turn sassy words into fun very quickly by telling him that's not nice and moving on very fast to something else. (He's almost 5; I have liberties with him you probably don't w/ a not-quite-two.)

I physically separate us.

It's very hard to do, and it breaks my heart that I can't be a better mommy that way. Good luck!

OH!!! And one of the best things I do--I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! I won't do those things in public (which embarrasses me to say), so sometimes, we head to the park...the grocery store...the mall (to run, not to shop)...ANYWHERE where I know I will show better self-control!!

L.,
Oh I can relate. My daughter and I seem to have a week every 6 weeks or so where she is more needy/emotional/tantrum-y and I just get so frustrated with her that I yell at her and end up crying myself along with her.
The shame that goes along with that time is horrible and I feel rotten about myself. If this is anything like what you go through, I can relate.
There are a couple of things that have helped: talking to other moms who understand and aren't judgmental is one. Also looking at why I get so angry during those times is a good thing.
I have been reading a couple of books that focus on looking at how we were parented and therefore how we parent. One is called Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell and the other is Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.
The only other thing I can recommend is treating yourself well. Absolutely you should have some more alone time and be kind to yourself, especially when you get so angry.
Take good care.
A.

Had to read through all the responses first. No one has suggested Love and Logic yet. In our area it is taught at no cost to families in a series of evening classes that include dinner/supper and free childcare. It teaches parents to change their knee jerk responses when children make a bad choice and focuses on natural consequences to behavior with the burden of the consequence placed on the child's choice. This system will work as long as the child is in your care. There's also books, dvd's, etc if you'd rather study in your own home. I too had my moments when I totally lost it with my kids. I have a vivid memory of throwing my own tantrum (8 months pregnant at the time) in desperate effort to get my 5 and 3 yr old's attention. I so wish I had known Love and Logic then. Much more effective. Good luck! Motherhood is an adventure and as someone else said most of our kids turn out just fine in spite of our worst mistakes.

I don't have much time to write a response, but do know that it gets better quickly. I was feeling the same as you a couple months ago. My boys are 35 months and 6 months. I don't lose my temper much at all lately. I think being a mom of two is just so difficult at first and your older one is trying to get more attention and possibly acting out more than before. Your hormones will calm down as well. I completely understand the exact feelings you describe and feeling so sad that I lost my temper to my dear sweet little boy. You're not alone!

Don't beat yourself up, L.. I too have done the same thing from time to time. Your kids will know you love them even when you make mistakes. It is extremely hard to be the parent who is with your kids all the time. My husband is so patient with them when he gets home from work, but weekends when he is around them all day he gets just as crabby as I do. We all need our own time. Your kids must take naps still though, right? If your oldest doesn't anymore, she can still have quiet time in her room or somewhere safe while you relax. After being home all day everyday with my kids and even teaching parttime at preschool I NEED to get away. I play volleyball three nights a week. I get out, hang with girlfriends, and get some exercise all at the same time. Try joining something like that or there is jazzercise, yoga classes, joining a gym? Most gyms have childcare so you could go during the day and leave the kids in the play area while you workout and have a "break". I used to smoke and would go outside when I felt my temper starting to rise. I quit smoking now, and have had a harder time with walking away and taking a deep breath when needed, but even walking around the yard for a minute helps tremendously. I don't think there is a stay at home mom out there who doesn't go through the same thing as you. Hope that helps a little:)

Do find someone to watch your kids so you can get some time to yourself! It is very hard to be giving 100% to your kids all the time. Even though you love them you still need time to do something for yourself. It is not selfish. It makes you a better and happier mom. I find a morning or afternoon away to be very helpful in coming back refreshed and happy. Do something you enjoy...exercise, go sit and read a book somewhere.

Also, if you aren't in one already, join a mom's group. That way you and your kids will have a social outlet during the day. It's a lot more fun to be with other moms and their kids then just being by yourself with your kids all day.

We as mothers aren't perfect and we do make mistakes. At least you realize your mistakes and that is the first step to change the behavior. As hard as it is, you need self control, after all we expect our young children to use it and we need to show them how. When you feel you are losing it, take time away, even if it is going into the bathroom for 5 minutes if you can. When she is misbehaving remember that a quiet calm voice will work better then being yelled at which just puts the competition in. I remember when I was a young child I would know I came out on top if I could make my mom lose control, it empowered me. Let's face it, the things we are finding so irratating with our children is when it is reflecting ourselves, so watch your behavior first. Next also remember what your daughter learned in three short years and relish in the fact that she is a good child who is smart and independent. Always remember to use the phrase "This too shall pass" when you feel yourself getting irratated. It will help keep it in prospective.

Time for yourself is a good idea for yourself and your young one. She is old enough to go to a day care or preschool a couple days a week and it will give you time to have one on one with the baby.

Soon your daughter will be in school full time and you will miss her so much as she sprouts into an adult faster then you can blink. How you treat her now is going to set her up for how she will think she should be treated, so make sure you don't give her the idea that she isn't a good child or worse that she can be slapped or grabbed by someone and that it is ok. Teach her that she should be treated with respect by those around her and it will teach her to respect others.

I agree with those who said it may be depression because this is exactly what's going on with me. PPD can be a very difficult thing to get under control so the sooner you speak with your doctor, the better.

I didn't get post partum depression after my first child, so when it came along (about 3 months) after my 2nd, I didn't really know what was going on. It eventually got to the point where all I could do was the basic necessities and didn't have the energy to do anything else buy lay down all day.

I really hope you can get things under control before it comes to extremes (whether it is depression or not) I still lose my temper with my kids so its an ongoing work-in-progress. I've got to have a balance of things... haven't quite worked that out yet.

good luck.

If you think it is hormonal go see a homeopath. My homeopath gave me vitamines to balance my horemones which was causing many emotional problems. My doctors never checked/considered hormones, they just suggested antidepressants. The homeopathic practitoner found so many things my doctors never even considered! I still see doctors, but it is always nice to get another veiwpoint!
Good luck!

I have had postpardum depression like Harriet and although I didn't have anger issues I would suggest seeing your doctor. If your insurance will cover a few therapy sessions it can really help. I have only a 16 month old boy and he is wonderful but he has made me angry and I have had to walk away for a second. But if your feeling swamped and there isn't time to come up for air it's going to get to you. Your human sweetie. It is ok. You need a moms day out. I know you don't know me from Adam but I'll help out if I can. Your not alone. Deb.

First of all, you should cut yourself some slack. No mother is perfect - and you don't have to be, either.

I am working on my PhD in Education, so have taken LOTS of classes about children, psychology, etc. One of the most powerful things that an instructor ever said to me (and I remember this VERY clearly because I was pregnant at the time and worried about everything) is that research consistently shows that all a parent has to be is "pretty good" for a child to turn out wonderfully. There is no added benefit for a child if a parent is "perfect."

We're all going to mess up. I do it consistently with my child, who's now almost 8. I am a single parent with a lot of stress and a pretty short fuse. And she is perhaps actually a better child for it. She knows that there are times when she should back off. She has a healthy respect for people's boundaries. She is also more polite than many children. I think part of this comes from having a mother who will say, "No. You are really bugging me," and who has feelings around her.

That said, I also think that it would be a really good idea for you to get any and all the help you need and or want. You deserve a break. And you may be right that this could help you with your level of frustration, etc. I know that I, for one, could not be a stay at home mom. It's too hard. And I know that I like my daughter a LOT more after she and I have some distance every now and then. I've noticed that if she spends time out and about with family or friends or at school, the time that I spend with her is much less fraught with frustration and that I am much slower to anger.

If it's *really* bothering you how you are feeling, etc. I would recommend visiting a therapist who can help you work through some of your feelings about these incidents. You are under a lot of stress, as well. Raising two kids is not easy, especially when one of them is in that toddler stage of new independence. Your therapist may also help you work through ways of coping with that stress or in finding new ways to diffuse your anger. But, I would guess that simply getting some distance will be enough to allow you to handle your frustrations.

Finally, I'll put this out there, because many people have made me feel really awful and guilty over the years about my certain knowledge that I can not be a stay at home mom - and though I know (or at least hope) that no one will make you feel bad on this website, it's at least important to note. Taking time off from your children does not make you a bad mother. Being frustrated with your children does not make you a bad mother. We are not all, nor should we be, June Cleaver. Your children have a mother who is doing what is best for herself, which is also the best for them.

Good luck!

I'd go nuts if my older son wasn't in preschool and my mom didn't take the baby. Of course you need and deserve time to yourself. Goodness, if you don't take care of yourself you can't be there in full stregnth for your family! Don't feel bad at all for using a sitter or a friend or family or preschool or gym day care or whatever. I've never done ECFE myself, and I know people enjoy it (usually) but I think the point is really you could use some alone time sans kids! That fact that you're getting so physical with your daughter is a sign you need a break from her. And she'll do well with some other stimulation too. After both kids were born I hired a teenager (19) to watch the kids so I could go shopping alone, or just run errands. Everything is so much easier without the kids a long! And I KNOW I am a calmer, happier, better mother for having these breaks. I did therapy too, which helps with the frustration and physical nature of our lashing out. Good luck!!!!

Hi L.. Give yourself a hug. It is incredible that you are recognizing this behavior. For myself, when I get stretched too thin, the swear/cuss words slip out- and typically- I do not swear at all. Fortunately my kids think everything is a swear word and say, "Mama, don't say naughty words". For my eldest, I explained that it's best to wait a few minutes before confronting my naughty word ;}. And in reverse, I explain to them that harsh tone used with appropriate words toward eachother or parents is as bad as swearing.
My mom said she yelled a lot when I was young. I don't remember it, but when I am stressed, that "augh,f-a-gggg"- does carry a childhood memory.
What I'm saying is that if in your normal self, you don't behave that way, it might be shining through from your childhood. Still, we need to take responsibility for ourselves.
One thing I do is wash my face. Actually I do 'wudu' which is washing up before prayer for Muslims. Even I'm not about to pray, it typically centers me. =)
I hope that it helps to not feel alone. We ALL have our struggles.
Also, getting out with friends helps a lot. If you want to meet at MoA for Toddler Tuesday or a park for a playdate, I'd love to hangout. I live in the South Metro.
Your sister in motherhood, S.

Don't be sad. You are very normal. I have an 11-mo-old and a 2&1/2-yr-old and I lose my temper sometimes too. How can you not? It's mostly at the older one who does something mean to the younger one. I yell too, and sometimes squeeze his arm a little, and put him on the "naughty step." I do feel bad sometimes too when I lose my temper, but usually it's because of something he does, and he knows better. It is okay for them to know they've made their mom mad. I don't think you should apologize for getting mad if it's something they've done wrong. Then they might think it's mom's fault, and it's okay that they did it. Just give it some thought. If it's something that they cannot help, or it's not their fault, then that's not good. But we all lose our tempers sometimes dealing with toddlers. They are a challenge!! Good luck.

Hi-

I read your post and felt like I could have written it myself. I feel this EXACT same way. There are days when I totally lose it, and it seems like those are the days that "I am not driving the bus, the bus is driving itself and running me over!" I have found for me it peaks when I am trying to be on the internet,,or do something other than give my children attention that I have a short fuse. Now I have decided to limit doing those things while it is their time,,,so when they are napping, or daddy is home...I dont feel one bit guilty for "my time". They other thing is OPrah just had an episode on moms and one woman said your kids need to think you are just a little bit crazy...funny, but maybe the few times our heads spin around and we freak out on our kids makes a bigger impact on them that you really mean business? I dont know the answer, but I do know you are not alone. We all have been there and are doing the very best we can. Hang in there, and thanks for the post!

Don't beat yourself up! I noticed you have a 3-month old and so your pregnancy hormones are still going a little crazy! I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old. At about 8 weeks post partum, I recognized that I wasn't handling things as well as I normally do. I didn't feel depressed, but I definetely felt frustrated, tired, and I had a pretty short fuse. I talked to my doctor and he said it was a mild case of post partum depression, most likely the result of a lack of sleep. I tried to tough it out for a few weeks but it just didn't get much better. So, I made the decision to go on a small dose of Celexa. I am not a big fan of "medicating" myself to get through the day, but it has definetely helped. I have a lot more patience with my 3 year old now and I don't find myself having those really rough days.

I completely understand where you are coming from and my heart goes out to you. I was in the same situation until I was able to "find my control." I started by using Parenting with Love and Logic. It is a common sense way of parenting your children that takes the stress of their not listening off of you and provides natural, non-violent consequences for them. Many libraries carry the program, or you can go on to Barnes and Noble or Amazon. I have also used the methodology with my students and have found it incredibly effective. Good luck and keep taking those deep breaths!!