I am at a loss. My 6-year-old 1st grader is very down on himself. This has been an issue with his for quite some time. I think he believes that he is supposed to know how to do something the first time he tries it. (A new video game, riding his bike, riding a skateboard, reading a new word.) He gets very upset, usually to the point of tears and says, “I can’t do it”. He seems to be just fine at school and his teachers are surprised when I mention this about him. He is doing well in school and there are times he is not like this at all. But then out of nowhere it starts in again. It was this way the entire weekend. I never know what to say to him and I’m afraid I’m only going to make it worse. I try and explain that everyone has to learn the basics and that making mistakes and not getting it the first time is normal but it doesn’t seem to matter. So, what can I do to help him through this when it happens? He got a new (used) skateboard finally, something he’s been wanting for a long time. He knows a few older boys who ride. The first couple of times he was on it he did great and although he was falling and not sure how to do it he kept trying and he was very excited. This weekend, after one or two tries, he was in tears and said he didn’t want to do it anymore. Please, any advice would be helpful.
Hi M.,
Doesn't sound like a self-esteem problem at all.
Sounds like he's going to grow up to be one of those people who do a lot of things well - cares to do thinks "right" instead of "half-a**ed."
Sounds like a lot of talented, successful people I know :)
T
There's something about mom trying to explain things rationally that sometimes makes it worse. I remember as a kid, I fell off my bike at age 5 and decided I'd never ride again. I was so stubborn that the harder everyone tried to convince me, the more I was adamant. One day, I just climbed on my brother's bike and started riding. That was it. My 6yo daughter's the same way. The minute I stop convincing her, then she decides she'll do it. That was with potty training, eating new foods, trying new things, 'getting back on the horse.' Try just playing into his idea--'yep, I guess we better put that skateboard away,' and see if it helps. I wonder if it's either attention-seeking, or a type of power struggle?
If he's doing well at school and with the teachers, have you thought about taking him to skateboard lessons or have the older boys give him a few pointers?
Have you thought of talking with the older boys and see if they will talk to him with you standing there. Maybe hearing from the big boys that it took them alot of practice and falling down too before they could really ride good. Sometimes hearing that the ones we look up to have also had those hard times might make him feel better. They could also help him a little by showing him pointers. I know it might seem like alot to ask of the older boys but some older boys actually love sharing the tricks of the trade. lol
I think he might be trying to compare himself to the older boys and thinking he is not as good as them. If one of the older boys could talk to him .... I think it might be the trick you need to make him feel a little better.
My 7yr old son (soon to be 8) is like that too. I also tried to explain that people make mistakes, which also didn't work. So, my husband and I started pointing out times when we made mistakes and how hard it was, the struggle and frustration we felt. (Everyone gets a good chuckle.) My husband and I have also had to look at how we display our frustration when we face a challenge. (It's unsettling how our sons are little mirrors, as they reflect back our own behaviors.
Also, when he's in the throws of frustration, I just hug him, let him cry and tell him that I understand that it's frustrating when you don't get something that you think you should be able to. Most of the time that works. And, sometimes he's just so hard on himself that I just have to let him cry. (He started hitting himself on the head, so I ban that.)
When he's in a really bad way, I'll sit him down in a private, quiet place and ask him to use his words to explain why he feels so bad. After he feels like I've heard what he has to say, he calms down and I try to reframe his desire to get things right, in a positive light, and list all the reasons why I love him.
With those strategies, he's had less big emotional break outs and is more apt to express his frustration in words before it gets to the point of crying and major drama.
I say turn around every negative comment with a positive. Yes, you fell, but did you see how well you were doing/how long you stayed up, that turn you made, etc. Praise the little things and tell him to think about that instead of the one bad part. :o) My daughter does that same and she's 4...
Dear M.,
Oh my Honey, my heart goes out to you. I have seen this 100s of times. It's called "collapsing syndrome." It happens in adults as well as children and you are right, it comes from low self-esteem.
I do have a cure! There are two ways to fix it and you have to do it both ways. 1) Make him tell you three good things about himself every day and 2) Make certain everything you say to yourself about yourself is kind and loving.
The more you fall in love with yourself, the better your child's self-esteem will be. You first job in good parenting is to be happy. You are already the best kind of parent becaus eyou are looking for ways to help your child. You already get an A+!!!
Good Luck Sweetie, J.
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Hi M.,
Read to him about Einstien, Alexander Bell and other great men, who never gave up after failing over and over. :)
Can't hurt
pat
I tell my children "Cant" does not live in our house. There are things that take time to learn. So we "try, try again"
Then I remind them that we "can do all things through Christ, who gives us strength"
This gets them going and if I slip and say "cant" they get after me.
Hi M.,
My response comes from being a mom but also being a teacher. I think one of the first things to consider is-does his behavior come from him alone or has he been observing anyone acting like this? Maybe he has a very competitive friend or you or your husband are hard or yourselves at times. If not, obviously that is great-but keep a concerted effort to model trying something new in front of him. Really show him how it is okay to ask questions and make mistakes and that it can be a joyful experience. Other things you can do is catch him in a moment where he is feeling good and see if he wants to talk about it. Try to turn the conversation into a positive by having him teach what he has learned about the situation by making a little picture book for his little sister on how to handle yourself when trying something new. Or he can turn it into a play, a movie, etc. Helping him to recognize the feeling a prepare for how to deal with it will be a big help for him I am sure. Good luck
Has he watched a baby learn to walk? Listened to a toddler trying to talk? Did he, himself, give up before learning to walk or talk?
Also, is he under pressure from the guys at school/ in the neighborhood? They didn't learn it the first time, either. Good luck!
Hi M., yes I agree that your son probably wants to be a perfectionist. The hardest thing for a mom not to do is baby her son. My son is 14 now and it has taken me a long time to let go in ways. We can't baby or coddle our boys.
Not in public anyway and they really don't want us to in private either. I agree that the older boys like to play hero and their egos liked to be fed. I am sure they would love to take your boy under their wing and reassure him that he is doing fine. Some boys and girls are not athletic. My son has been trying to be as good as alot of his friends on the skateboard since they were all about 8 years old. Try as he might he just isn't as good. So he will still go along to the park, still hang out with his friends. He still trys but he likes to be the camara man.
Boys are usually supportive of eachother. Girls tend to be petty and mean. Sometimes to we have to just look the other way when they are feeling sorry for themselves. You have heard that kids are resealant. It is true. They foget and forgive in the blink of an eye. What kids really like to have is for their parents to watch them.
Sit on the sidewalk and watch him for about a half hour and praise him when needed and say almost there as many times as it takes. He will be great.
Good Luck
T. T.
Remind him of the things he has accomplished and tell him how proud you are of him that he works and tries so hard to learn new things. Give him new opportunities to succeed each day by asking him to help you with simple things. Notice and tell him how great he did when he does something well - especially if you haven't asked for or encouraged it. Always be patient and encourage him to try again if he fails at first. And it's even okay to say the adage "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" once in a while. Also, when he gets down, you could tell him about something that was hard for you that you finally accomplished and how you did it. Talk to him - and most importantly, listen.
Hi M., I can sympathize with you. My firstborn has very similar attributes as you have described with your son. From what I've read and talked to others with older children, it seems that the firstborn tends to have the type A personality of being a perfectionist. I've found a couple of things that have helped with our family. We've taken up something new as a family, piano. My goal was to have me son start, but with the frusteration issue I decided to let him see me in the light of learning. We laugh when I struggle and he sees the example I set when you "try, try again". You may want to point out something like riding a bike and how he (and everyone else) didn't ride perfectly the first time. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
S.
I've experienced this too with my kids. There are some great books on the subject. You might find some at the library too.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Da...
You might see if he is interested in cub scouts or other boy-centered activities/sports that where he can see other boys learning things that are new to them too. He'll find his way. The fact that you wrote, shows you are a compassionate and loving mom. Your support is a great asset to him as he finds his way. I agree with another mom who wrote that he'll likely be someone who wants the best for himself - and that's a good thing ;)
Blessings,
C.
