My Son and "I Can't Do It"

He may have perfectionist tendencies and not like doing things wrong. In this case, I think that kindly and lovingly showing him that wrong isn't so bad would be helpful. Point out when you are "trying" and when it "fails" and that you try again and "succeed".

Another thing is that he may have 'acts of kindness' as his love language. In other words, when you do things for him, he hears "I love you". (the others are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, and Physical Touch.) You can google Gary Chapman or go to his website if you want to read more: http://www.garychapman.org/

Have patience for him. He's still young and hasn't even STARTED school yet.

When my son was that age we banned "I can't do it" from his vocabulary. He just wasn't allowed to say it. He could say..."Can you please help me...or I need help with this..." I think removing the thought that he couldn't do something was a big help to him.

how about.. lets try ... i will try with you for a minute.. then i want to see you do it.. then we can go inside and have a bowl of ice cream.. or something like that... or i will do it with you.. then i want you to show me how to do this... or that... so say it's coloring.. you both start a picture. then you say what color do you think it should be.. show me... and maybe he will start showing you... be positive.. i think he need encouragement.. but don't get upset... say i know you can do it.. because you just did it with me.. so let me see... and no more I can't... tell him you don't like that word!!

Don't know if this would work...I had this problem with my older daughter when she was little. What always worked with her was I would pretend that I couldn’t do it and ask for HER help. If she would say “I can’t make the blocks stack up right” I would try it and purposely fail and say “Oh no I can’t do it either! What should we do?” She would say “I know what to do Mommy!” and she would concentrate and do it! I would then praise her and say “Thank you SO much for showing me how!” Worked like a charm every time =-) By the time she was 6 that behavior stopped completely. Her motto is “winners never quit and quitters never win”. “Perseverance” is what she always says now. It’s really cute!

Maybe that can work? It’s worth a try right?

I strongly recommend two things:

Google "motivation in children" and related links. There's a great deal of recent research, and you'll find suggestions and encouragement.

Read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this practical guide to communicating with kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) They demonstrate with compassion how to help children communicate, identify their own emotional issues, and participate in finding workable solutions.

I hear how frustrating this situation is for you. You are wise not to punish your son for his reticence; that would just add another complicated layer of negativity for him to sort through. I think I would allow him to pout for however many hours it takes, but be involved myself in something fun or interesting that might draw him in. Baking, making art, chalk on the sidewalk, planting flowers, jumping rope … just have a fine time, and let him know, very casually, that he's welcome to join you!

Other things to keep in mind: My grandson is the same age, and occasionally has down times like this. Sometimes it means he's tired or hungry. Some kids have problems with food or chemical sensitivities that can cause dramatic mood changes.

I'm with Tina G and Pam M on this one. If one of our (twin) four year old boys says "I can't.." I always (I believe that consistency is key) respond with "Do we say 'I can't' in this family?" Our boys have now heard it enough that it's become a running joke. Early on we had to tell them and now they tell us "Please help me..." I think this is an important distinction because of the mindset change. Rather than being in it alone - the "I" in "I can't" - it is turned around to encourage teamwork, which is always a good thing. As they've gotten older, I can now ask them "How do you want me to help you?" so that they have to think about what specifically I can do to help them (without doing it for them, in most cases). Hope this helps. I know it's frustrating, but this too shall pass ;)

Ahhhhhh....there's nothing worse than the ever present whining and the almighty "I can't do it" .....or "I won't do it." I am a former Pre-K and Kindergarten teacher and I will give you some support. Keep doing exactly what you set out to do and you have him keep trying and keep going in a forward motion. "I can't and I won't" is a huge cop-out at this age and it is also part of Manipulation 101. Child-style, that is. Think of it this way....if he was learning to read or write and suddenly struggled and said, "I can't", woukld you give up and let him quit? Of course you wouldn't. Same thing applies to everything else in life. It sounds as if you have a sensitive and emotional boy. maybe a little light on the self-esteem and high on the frustration level. This is also a recipe for a perfectionist. Calm him down, tell him that "If at first you don't succeed....try, try again.....and you will." An oldie but a goodie. Use SUPPORT and PRAISE. Prasie for trying and certainly praise for successes of any kind. He needs a confidence boost and some bragging rights. I guarantee you that once he gets a load of himself and the big deal that he is, he will love to try anything and strive to do his best. In my reading groups at school, whenever I had a child that struggled, and I asked them to push through the difficulty, I would stand up and do a really weird and funny "Happy Dance" in honor of the valiant effort and trying. The whole class started doing it with me and pretty soon, all the kids wanted at least one round of the "Happy Dance" from me during the school year. Sounds god-awful silly but you'd be shocked at what thrills kids ages 4-6. Boost up his confidence, don't take no for an answer, rally around him, and give him that push he needs to succeed. If he has a melt-down, deal with the fall-out but when he's calmed down, you put him right back on the "Trying Track" again. Repeat this over and over and use the oldie-but-goodie mantra each time. No give-ups and no give-ins. Another good one that my dad told me when I was young....."The turtle will never get across the road unless it sticks its neck out!" So true. I love my dad for that one!

My son's younger (and thus less stubborn), but when he says something like that I ask him, "what is it you are having trouble with?" And then I encourage him to try. They are so used to everything in their worlds being big, and hard, and scary.... sometimes they just need reminders that they CAN do lots of things.

Now, at nearly 5, I can imagine that he's jerking you around a little bit... so you may need a little more tough love. If he "can't" do something, then I'd just say that time is over then... I bet it will motivate him to do it.

At 11, my son still does this sometimes. I have noticed he would do this mostly when his father (a perfectionist when it comes to getting things done) would keep telling him to fix whatever he did. I am working on fixing dad and things have gotten better but we still have a few times. I really hate those words too. One thing I did do when he was younger was get him to show me how to do something. I slowly built up the tasks from super simple to more complex stuff. Sometimes he would give me this look that said-Mom, come on, really. But he would get this great look on his face that he could do something I could not.

I think that you should just help him. It sounds like he's not really saying "I can't" -- more like, he wants to do it with you, it's more fun with you, he likes doing it better WITH you. He'll learn how to do things on his own eventually anyway, whether you stay with him now or not. The difference will be how he feels about you, your willingness to help, whether or not he can trust you to help. See what I mean?

We don't allow " I can't do it" to even be said in our house! Sounds strick, but that's how it is. When our 5 year old starts to say it, I stop her and say "We don't say that in this house!" Then I ask her "Are you having a problem doing something?" She will tell me yes and then I ask her what she is trying to do. I tell her if she needs help with something, then she should be asking for help. When she does, and it's something she can learn to do by herself, I show her how to do whatever it is. Then I ask her to show me how to do it. I turn it into sort of a game.
If is something that needs a little bit of thought, I will ask her what she tried and then work with her to figure out what else she can try.

Yes, it does take some time and usually I am busy doing something else. But, we rarely hear "I can't do it" in our house and we have 4 kids.

Encourage your child and say, "why yes you can, look, mommy will show you how" and praise them for trying!!

Hang in there

Hi, Angel:

Have you gone to pre-school to see how he responds there?

He needs something but what.
Have you sat down and talked to him about his feelings?
Just want to know.
D.

We have this same problem and I just keep telling him he has to try -not to ever give up! I think it's a stage this age goes through sometime. They're outgrowing babyhood and having EVERYTHING done for them, and I think they get tired of it sometimes! We've gotten "I can't" for everything from climbing the stairs to riding his bike to coloring. If he suddenly decides he's tired of something, he pulls it out -we just don't ever give in to it. It's gotten much rarer lately too!

He is probably using you guys as a crutch. Let him pout! When he starts just tell him that you don't want to hear the whining and he can go to his room. My son threw a fit once and would not eat his dinner and he got to go to bed at 5:30. I would ask him if he was ready to eat and he told me that he just wanted to stay in his room. I left him in there and he fell asleep and I woke him up the next morning. He does not try to play me anymore. I am just saying that maybe some tough love would help. A lot of times people do not know what they are capable of until they are pushed a little. Have you ever talked to the teacher? Maybe he just needs the constant interaction.

My son was the same way for a while. Every time he said i can't do it, I would tell him "yes you can if you try and keep trying". He would say no I can't and I would tell him that everyone need to learn how to do everything. Do babies know how to ride scooters? No . I would laugh and he would laugh. Then he would pout for a little bit and then try again and sometimes get frustrated . I would tell him to try again when he is ready and he can do anything if he just keeps trying.If you make it fun and not serious he should snap out of it and take the pressure off himself.Also, remind him of all the things he has learned or acomplished.Good luck!

If he says he can't, then tell him to try. If he won't then simple do something else. If it's on the swing, then tell him "well if you can't do it, then lets go on the slide instead". Mine still has a case of the "I can'ts" but we tell him to try and if he doesn't then we just move onto something else.