Need Help Dealing with 4-Yr-old Perfectionist

My six year old son is the same exact way. We noticed it when he was about one year old, he would line his trucks up in a row and if you even accidentaly made one go out of place he would have a crying meltdown. He is in first grade and he has to have everything perfect. The only thing that I haven't been able to stop is when he starts talking and you tell him to be quiet, for some reason he can't until he has finished telling you what he was trying to tell you. So he does get into trouble at school for that. But his teacher knows how he is and puts up with him. He has to write perfect and if he thinks that it isn't good enough then he will erase and do it over until he does think it is good enough. He usually doesn't finish his work because of this. I have tried everything and I have started to have to punish him for not finishing his work at school. It has worked and he has gotten a little better at school. But he has his moments of having to have everything done correctly and if it isn't then he gets really upset. Just choose what you what to punish him for and just remember that that is the way that he is.

Hi S.,
I feel your pain girl! I have an 8 yr old son who is the same way. He is very creative and gets very frustrated when things don't go his way. I struggled for years in your same situation, I didn't want to "punish" him b/c it seemed to me that he hadn't done anything wrong.
Here's what I've found...when he starts school one of the things they will focus on in Kindergarten is "social skills". Learning how to act appropriately in many different situations. So, you have to ask yourself...is my son acting appropriately when things don't go his way??? If he is having a "meltdown" (that's what I call it too) then he IS NOT acting appropriately and that behavior does need to be addressed. Though you can tolerate it at home b/c he is only one child, your son's teacher WILL NOT tolerate it at all. Partly b/c that kind of behavior can cause a chain reaction in kids that age and the last thing the teacher needs is 30 kids having a meltdown!! Remember....I've struggled with this with my own son through 3 grades now. I just want you to have an idea of what to expect. It's a hard thing to do but you have to think of HIS success and how to get him there. Dramatic children take a little more work...and a more discipline. You are correct in that he needs to learn to curb this behavior but he's going to need a little help from you, in the way of discipline, to do it. He needs to know that his behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE! (Imagine them in the workplace...if we don't teach them how to control it now, how will they keep jobs later on??)
In our house we punish the dramatic behavior. We let him know that it's okay to cry but not to scream or moan or throw things or stomp his feet...whatever his "meltdown" may consist of. We set limits on what is acceptable and what is not. When he insists on reacting in ways that are innappropriate we punish that behavior. By no means do we make him feel like he cannot be frustrated or dissapointed. I always validate his feelings "Honey, I know that you are frustrated and that things aren't going your way but screaming is not going to make it better...can we figure out a better way to solve this problem?" Yes, that is the nice version...and sometimes it doesn't always come across that "politically correct". But, that should be the spirit behind your approach. If he throws more of tantrum when you try to help him then that is being defiant and definitely needs punishing.
I know it's tough! But, like I said, this is a personality trait that they most likely won't be able to get into check on their own...I was a dramatic child myself. We have to teach them ways to manage it for their future success. There is nothing mpre heartbreaking than watching 2nd graders call your kid a cry baby b/c of his meltdowns in class.
I do hope this helps. If you need to someone to swap ideas with or just chat about the day to day struggles with a dramatic child (maybe we should write a book!) please feel free to get in touch. Sometimes it helps just knowing you are not alone!! Blessings!

You are describing my oldest child to a tee, when she was young. She was the type of child that from first grade and all the way through high school she would burst into tears if she made less than a ninety, would rant and rave because so-and-so teacher did not believe in giving 100's on a report card and would give her a 99 instead. She actually went to the principal one time to get it changed, spouting off "How am I supposed to get in college with a grade like that?" That was in the fifth grade. but let me tell you some thing, All the tears, the sweat, the taking her early and picking her up late, the years of staying up way past both our bedtimes trying to figure out elementary math, has finally paid off. She has held a full time job through her senior year, taking extra credit college courses, managed to be a regular teenager with friends and dances , and has been accepted into college on a full time scholarship. Her dream of becoming a doctor are real for her all because she has been a perfectionist from birth. Some kids are just born with the drive to succeed. there is nothing wrong with your son unless he starts showing signs of severe OCD. Enjoy his drive and his passion. .....

Your son sounds just like my now 6yr. old son. One thing I need to help him realize it doesn't have to be perfect every time was to have him practice doing it wrong. I know it sounds crazy but I would sit and color with him. The oly differance was we would see who could be messier on their paper, then have someone else in the house judge who had done the best at being bad.
Then when we would try to do it right and mess up it wasn't as big of a deal. Some times he would still get very upset and self doubting, when this happened I would make him stop everything. No crying no talking, no nothing. When he would calm down we have a conversation about it. I would remind him that EVERYTHING takes practice, and even then people make mistakes and that they were called accidents. Accidents are things done with out meaning to so it was ok. Then we would decide the best way to fix it.

He still gets upset and self doubting sometimes but not nearly as bad as he used to.

Hi S.,

I probably don't have any good advice but I am going through the exact same thing with my four year old. Not only is he a perfectionist but very competitive and he has quite a few meltdowns everyday. I have three children and they are all so different from eachother. I definately don't think you should punish him, that would make it worse. I think it is normal and that they will outgrow it as they get older and start school. They will be able to see how other kids react to things and maybe learn from them. I am also afraid that my son will have a hard time in school. I can just see him raising his hand to answer a question and if the teacher doesn't call on him he will get upset. Nothing I do ever makes any difference during these times so I usually ignore him and it is over in 5 minutes and he has moved on to something else. If I try to calm him down or talk to him or hug and kiss him he just gets worse. anyway, probably not much help but I just wanted to let you know your not alone, hang in there and he will out grow it before ya know it!

WOW, there is another out there who recognizes the behavior. I didn't until my daughter was about 9 yrs old and it was the teacher that told me, I just thought she had a temper (which she does). I did step in when she threw her crayons on the floor and started crying for what I felt no apparent reason, so don't feel like you can't I found this enable her to calm down and refocus. We hugged and kissed and shared (you know mommy stuff) until she was able to tell me what happened and why was she so torn up about it :-) Eventually she would just start over without all the drama all the time, but this is were the teacher came in. The teacher felt she was a perfectionist and BOY did that explain a lot. This is why she was not finishing her school work or scoring low on her test the teacher noticed her redoing her work or rereading sentences on fluency tests. What I did feel she was/is out spoken, because like the other mom said she will not shut up until you hear her side if this is not accomplished (because she just can't talk when she wants to) she will cry. Since you recognize that he is a little perfectionist you have a much better chance at helping him through his "moments". Even though I did not know why she did some of the corky things she did, I explain to her teachers EVERY year that she is sensitive and told them some of the things they could do to calm her down even calling me I provided ALL numbers and email addresses for me and my husband. Most of the school officials were good, and some even great providing strategies she may use to help deal with it. I had one or two recently that gave her headaches and stomachs, I think she cried half the school year which meant I had to step in and have parent conferences a time or two. She still is a perfectionist, what I try to invoke on her is to be conscience of the time so she may plan accordingly (teacher suggestion) and it helps tremendously..."honey we are leaving at 11:00 so please be completely ready"! She is turning 12 and wants to look perfect when she leaves the house so she may do her hair at least 10 times lets not mention her outfit. ugh

Hope this helps!!!

No, don't punish him. He's doing enough of that himself. You should tell him that big boys don't behave that way but calmly. I would just watch him when he's working on something, then when you see the early warning signs of impending meltdown, walk over and ask him how he's feeling. Get him to talk through his frustration and to BREATHE. Then ask LEADING questions to help him find the solution to fix his problem.

He's just a little person with big emotions. He will learn how to control them with your help. It's a hard thing at that age when you know how you want somethng to be or look and you can't figure out how to do it.

God bless.

Chris H.

Chris H.

Hi S.,
Well, my son just turned 4 on St. Patty's Day, and you sound like your in the same situation as me. My son Benny is so good most of the time, but gets so upset when he can't perfect something (meltdown time) He gets upset over the smallest things like dropping a pea off his spoon to riding his Big Wheel with legs that have a hard time reaching the peddles. I haven't tried it out yet, but the other day, I read that as a parent you should show how you aren't perfect & don't get everything right (on purpose)& how you react to it (like lose a game or spill your drink, etc.) Good luck!!