Low Sex Drive?? Anyone Dealt with This.

I completely understand. I have 3 children , 7, 4, and 2. I really haven't had much of one since the second one was born. I have learned lately though that just because I don't have the hormonal desire, doesn't mean that I can't do it. Used to my husband wanted to at night and I am wiped out and I would just dread it. Now he comes home for lunch a few times a week and I may not be in the mood, but I am not dreading it because I am tired and we are able to connect and I am able to meet his needs and thigs are so much better for us.
There are pills you can take and foods you can eat to help also. Try changing things up, make it less habitual and more out of the ordinary.
Hang in there.
D.

I've been dealing with this for YEARS - since BEFORE my first daughter was born (she'll be 9 March 30th). I finally found Mona Vie Active formula. I liked it so much, I became a rep. If you'd like to try it, let me know at ____@____.com. I'm having a special right now. Any orders placed by midnight March 9th will get $5.00 off each bottle ordered. As always, there is a money back guarantee.

I remember those days too...yuck! Glad you noticed and want to fix it! The biggest thing I noticed was that after we did make love, I always had this "gosh, I really needed that feeling". The feeling that had I done this sooner, I would not have been as cranky and angry at the world! Maybe if you guys could make it more spontaneous and try some new things. I know this couple that bought a book full of fantasies. They play them out for a few days before they complete one, and it has really enriched thier lives. Try visiting a website together like bootyparlor.com and picking out a book or a special toy together...it could be fun, I love that site, so if you need suggestions..let me know! My boyfriend and I love the naughty bubbles...just a reason to bathe together!
I know it is hard to find romance in the mundane parts of life, but it helps if you are looking for it! Look for it everywhere and you both should take every opportunity you have to be romantic, in every way!

Good Luck!

I have been married for almost 4 years, I had a baby 13 months ago and my sex drive has gone away since then. I have found that if I feel pretty and sexy then my sex drive comes back. Also found that if my husband wants to have sex and night and starts the whole thing that men do if I give into it and try to relax then I end up feeling really in the mood for it. My husband has also been understanding but frustrated.

Not the best advise but it seems to help a little bit for me.

Good Luck. A healthy sex life leads to a healthy marriage (thats what our marriage counselor said)

I think every mother has dealt with this issue. I myself have as well. You are right lingerie does not do a darn thing for us women. Quite frankly it is just a pain in the butt! I had to kind of just decide I was going to do it, not really make myself but i don't know how to explain it. Once I get started with my hubby I enjoy it and then all is well. I was just so tired by the time I got to go to bed that I didn't want to. Spice it up a little, so linderie doesn't work...some new toys-does not have to be anything big bot something that you can use together, lotions, creams, give massages, just some suggestions. If you want to talk some more please feel free to contact me as I have been in your position as well.
S.
____@____.com

I totally understand the low drive. I guess what opens my eyes is when I consider how it makes my husband feel...

Consider it this way. Hypothetically let's say you could only receive love simply by someone holding your hand... and this simple act fulfilled every need, insecurity and desire.

Now let's say no one ever reached out to hold your hand. You might begin to feel pretty isolated and lonely.

The "hand holding" for you is what the act of sex is like for our husbands. It is their way to feel wanted and loved.

When I am feeling low in this area... I try to turn my eyes upon him and his physical and emotional needs.

If you need some "whoo'ing" before hand, tell him that you simply cant jump in the sack, you need foreplay and talking and connecting. This way you might both begin to feel connected, hence taking the "chore" element away.

Good Luck...

Hi J., don't feel silly, every woman goes through this some times...even if they don't admit it. lol. I read your "a little about me" and you said you were bored so maybe you could join an exercise gym or get together with friends once a week or have a date night with hubby once a week...something like that. I know when I stay in the house too much, I just get down and bored and when I get out and about, I feel so much better when I get back home. When you feel better about YOU, you will feel better about HIM so treat yourself and maybe leave the kids with dad. I don't know if this will help, but I hope it does. :)

Yes your not alone, I've gone thru the same thing after my son was born, I also breastfed my son he is now 13 months and I really dont have a sex drive like I used to. I have a very understanding husband as well, he isnt always at me for it, guess sex isnt the main importance in a marriage like everyone else makes it out to be. I am secure in my marriage and knows my husband loves me and I love him very much. Not sure what you can do just thought I let ya know your not alone. I also have a friend who was the same way, but I figure it would eventually come back. I did some research hope it helps.

http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/lowsexdrive/LSW_causes.html

G.

J.,

I think it's great that you care enough to want to fix this! First of all, there is a lot you can do. . . but if it doesn't work, it really might be important to have a visit with your doctor to make sure everything is okay. I've found one website that has been very helpful---www.themarriagebed.com . It is a christian marriage website. Regardless of your feelings towards christianity, it is a nice place for information because it is designed for married people who are there for help and not for. . . anything x-rated. good luck

Dear J.:
I'm not a health care professional, just a 50-year-old wife and mom of 4, but after reading your letter, I was wondering if your aversion to sex might not have a deeper reason, like mild depression, etc., especially since you mention everything was fine until your son was born. Your mentioning that you are "bored to death" seems like a red flag to me. I know you don't feel able to spend the money on a doctor visit, but there are medical clinics at the health department of the county you live in where you could at least by seen by someone. There are also local medical clinics like Family Health Care, located at Southwest Boulevard and 7th Street (Kansas City, Kansas). If everything checks out hormone and medical-wise, a few sessions with a counselor might help you to clarify your feelings and pinpoint just exactly where you need to go from here. Your local county mental health center might be of some help, and they are at least inexpensive, since they charge according to your income. I don't know what area of the city live in, but I personally have gotten a lot of help from the Wyandotte Center at 78th and State (Kansas City, Kansas). They have both counselors and medical doctors on staff, in case they feel medication would be helpful.
Good Luck,
J. H.

I can relate to how you feel. And it seems the more my dh asks or complains, the less drive I feel ~ if possible! I know that I can't get a simple hug or cuddle from him without his thinking it should lead to SEX. The only thing that I have found to work for me is to realize that I have to use it or lose it. http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/feature/2002/07/31/hrt/ind...
And also to remember that having sex is healthy for my body (and, ultimately, our relationship). But that doesn't make me WANT to have it! Can you go on dates? Rekindle whatever it was that made you respond to him back in the early days?
I hope you get some incredibly helpful hints, because I'm going to be reading them for help in my own life!
Best of luck!

the first thing I have to say is Lingerie? who is he kidding? unless he's wearing the push up bra and thong so you can laugh your self silly then what's in it for you? that stuff does not really make you feel sexy, it makes you feel like you're on display and displaying things that don't give you pleasure is a chore.

So the first step is to tell him to stop complaining about not getting any. Nothing lowers your inability to perform than negative energy. Compliments, Compliments, Compliments and that does not include, Your butt looks so good in that mu mu that I want to just spread you on the couch!!!!

Then you need to take is make sure you are physically healthy. That means go to the doctor and get blood tests to make sure all your hormones are in balance. Then you can exercise, which increases good chemicals in your brain and elevate your mood.

So you're doing all of this and he's still not turning you on? Make one night a week date night. You go out to talk and connect on a different level. If that means you carve out $20.00 from the grocery money to sit in a corner of the local coffee bar and talk DO IT. (you are not allowed to talk about the kids, house or work)

Believe me once you're connecting he's going to realize the real things he can do to put you in the mood. Like a back massage the minute the kids are in bed, catering to everything that turns you on and skipping the moves you really never want to do again. Be honest okay? If you're doing all the work and you're hearts not in it then why bother.

I read last year a topic on AOL called the Feng Shui of Sex, Try to find it. The only part I remember was leaving all of the doors to the bedroom open to invite good energy into the room, well up until you're getting naked.

You know I hope I made you laugh and think because Laughter will lighten your stress and you will never feel sexy if you are too stressed.

Hi J.,

I too am a sahm and understand and can relate to your bored to death attitude. There is help. Here's what helped me...

I have been married for 20 years to a very supportive husband and worked outside of the home until 14 years ago when we adopted a son.

When our son reached school age I realized that I needed more adult conversations and interaction. I was bored to tears and felt I wasn't interesting, especially to my husband. It seemed that the only thing I could talk about was our children. My love life was becoming boring and a chore. I had to do something.

I decided I needed something more than being a sahm...something that wouldn't take away from my children and allow me the freedom to schedule the time around my children's school and activites.

I needed to change my attitude about myself inside and outside of the bedroom. So I decided to get a part time job. I have worked as a demonstrator, mystery shopper, and merchandiser and I have voluntered at a local nursing home. Each "job" gave me renewed self confidence resulting as a better wife and mother, and gave me a little pocket money. The more self convidence I had improved my self worth, something more to talk about with my husband, and yes, improved my love life. Now this didn't happen overnight...but the longer I felt "interesting" and sure of myself the more I wanted the positive results.

After I had a little self confidence and wanted to try and improve my sex life, with my husbands encouragement, I purchased a copy of the Kuma Satra and we would set aside one night a week to experiment with positions.

Good luck and God bless you.

W. Q

If you're using birth control pills, especially if you've started a new one since your son was born, it may be related to that. When I tried the pill, it killed my sex drive. Now I use a non-hormonal IUD, and it's made a huge difference.

I was exactly where you are until last summer. Because of our work schedules and the expense of childcare, our 9 yr old son spent the summer with my mother-in-law and our 8 yr old daughter spent the summer with my mother. After not having all the work and stress from dealing with the kids day in and day out on top of work and dealing with the house, it was amazing how much time I had to work out and get to do things I enjoy doing. My hubby and I both rediscovered each other. He has lost 40 pounds, me just 20, but I find him sexy with his muscles back and he finds me sexier because I wear cuter, fitted clothing instead of the baggy old "mom" clothes I had gotten in the habbit of wearing. We got to take a few fun camping trips together (I bought a camper two years ago) and went out to a romantic dinner at least once a week. Now we're like newlyweds! We have a standing date every Friday night and that is our couple time, the kids aren't invited! It also helped me to go on Lexapro for my stress. I spend less time worrying about things I have no control over and spend more time enjoying life. Once you break that cycle of feeling like you "have" to have sex just to get him to stop bothering you, and you get to initiate things when you feel like it (and you will when you feel sexy and flirty) you will see his attitude change too. Good luck!!

Hi J.,

Not sure how old you are but I have also heard woman having thyroid problems after they have children as well. One of the symptoms is having a low sex drive. I know you said that you don't have money for a copay and not sure if you are having other symptoms but maybe if you call your doctor and ask to write a script maybe you can go and get your blood drawn and not pay for a copay...

C.

I have been dealing with the same problem since my daughter was born in 2000. You should ask your doctor about Female Sexual Dysfunction.There are quite a few treatment options, including diet, exercise, hormone therapy, talk therapy, other medications, all kinds of things. I am working with my doctor on this same problem.

Hey i have a 21 month old and when i had her the same thing happend to me. But i still don't know what to do about it either. I thought maybe it happend to most people after they had kids cause my sister-in-law is the same but i don't know but your not the only one. I just don't have any advice how to get it back. I'm sorry i hope that it will make you feel better that your not the only one with that problem.

I'm sure you just need to get back into the groove. Doing something makes it easier to do again, and likewise, not doing something makes it harder to do again. The bottom line is, sex is important to men, and if you do not have sex with him in a willing, affectionate way (whether or not you actually feel that way), he will leave you eventually. So make that investment in your marriage, for your kids' sake. I mean, really, how many other things do you do even though you don't really feel like it but you know it has to be done?

Hey J.,
I know exactly where you are coming from, you are definitely not alone. I felt the same way for a while after i had my baby who is almost 6 mos now. I definitely agree with what Win Q said. It may be that you aren't feeling the same way about your confidence as you felt pre-baby and I think that has a lot to do with how i felt. Once i got involved in something and starting changing myself and feeling like i was making a difference and changing people's lives I felt Important. And once i felt important I couldnt help but be confident and feel Sexy. My boyfriend even noticed it, even my friends. My life is so different now that I started my own business working at home, and not only am I doing something positive, but i am in charge of my own success and I am earning good money too. I know that might not be the answer to this problem, but it definitely helped me. And hey there is always role playing, having sex in other places besides the bedroom, and defintely kama sutra and massages to help get you in the mood! Good Luck J.! If you want to check out my website go to www.FreedomAtHomeTeam.com/F.. Hope this helps!

There's a good chance this isn't it, but I got married only 1 1/2 months before having a baby so we were still newlyweds when I went to my 6 week checkup and got prescription birth control. I was on it for a year and even though I couldn't wait till the 6 week check-up and the doctor's okay, during that year my sex drive was pretty much nonexistent . At least once we went a full month where I just didn't feel like it. As soon as I stopped using the hormonal birth control, the sex drive was back. Just a thought.

Low sex drive can be caused by several different thing. I have low sex drive, due to my high blood pressure. I tried several different things, but nothing really worked for me. My husband understands what is causing it and we have learned to deal with it. I wished I had a miracle cure to give you, but all I can say, is to talk to your doctor about it. Good luck hun. Big Hugs, S.

I can also understand what you are going though. My son was born 7 months ago, and this is my second child.
After my daughter (my 1st) my sex drive was normal, if not it was better. This time around, i'm so exhausted that i don't want to half the time. Though, i am lucky that my husband doesn't care, (though it helps for me that my hubby is ten years older than me so he doesn't always have a sex drive, which is no fault of mine or his, just his age).
So any way, what my husband and i do to try to spice it up is to do things together, have quiet time, massages, i make him make me feel "speical" we also watch videos, basically i try on my end to make the effort.
I actually read some where that when it comes to sex pratice is the best way to get your sex drive back.
I wish you best of luck.

He J., I am a SAHM too, I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old, I had my first when I was way too young and after he was born and I had no sex drive I didn't think anything of it, now that I am a bit older and have payed more attention to my body I really think it was birthcontrol. I have tried a ton of different kinds, shots, rings and pills, I joke with my friends saying that is the "birthcontrol" right there, the hormones take my drive away, no drive, no sex, no problem. 2 years ago my husband and I deceided we wanted to try for #2, we went to the Dr. and discussed what to do next, he told us I needed to be off the pill for at least a year, track my periods, take vitamins, blah, blah, blah, a month after getting off the pill he was the one telling me "honey, I am just too tired!" (we were prego before the 2nd month was up)I did also have the baby blues with my first and I think that played a huge roll, also my husband knows now to say things like I love being so close to you, your skin is so soft, ... or my favorite, you are so awesome, I don't know how you do it all, but you do and I am so lucky, it is amazing how much nice words instead of the old... its been 2 weeks now honey, really get me going. Women are more mental in what turns them on, after you see a Dr. which is a MUST, maybe turn to him, tell him how much this bothers you, and ask him to work with you to try a few new things, you don't have to go out and get a sex swing, but make him more aware of how you work. I like when my hubby helps with cleaning the house so I am not as tired when he is ready to make love, I just told him that is what I need. I also don't like to jump right into it, I told him and he takes time to give me what I need, everyone is different, I like soft little kisses through out the night, or whisper something sweet to me, think about what used to turn you on, and talk to him about it. Good luck

I am there with you!!! I have never reach the peak. I have had scare tissue removed, that didn't do anything. I have been married 20yrs. my husband is somewhat understanding. I don't know what to do either. I don't like it that it's that way. I am going to a new ob next week. I hope I get some new answers. have you tlaked to your doctor??? Stay in touch and I see what I can find out next week. Good luck to you

You will have to go to the Dr to get it, but if you have any symptoms of depression you should ask for Welbuterin (spelling?) it seems to make your sex drive go into over drive, which I found rather pleasant. If you look it up on the internet you will find lots of bulletin boards with people saying they had the same experience. plus it helps with mood swings, depression, irritability, etc. It really helped me with my relationships with my hubby and my son. lots of people dont realize they are depressed untill they start to feel better, so you might want to go to the dr for this, you will be glad you did!!!

hi J. are you on birth control and if yes what is it? if its the pill do you notice that you feel different when you dont take it? i have had this very problem and it was due to birth control, my body couldnt handle the hormones in the pills and i tried the ring caused me to have migraines. and also are you on any medication and if you are check those? hope this helps W.. ps find a hobby, i stay home and watch kids never get out so i started scrapbooking. maybe it might help

J. ,I know exactly how you feel. I am 34 work full time with a 2 year old son. I could care less if I never had sex again. It was not like that before having my son. I first thought it was because I gained so much weight while pregnant, but after losing it still no desire. I went to the doctor thinking it was caused from the depo shot, it was not. The doctor checked me out perfectly healthy with good hormone levels. The advice I got from the doctor was that I needed to put more effort into it. I needed to think about it more. I asked when was I to do that while at work or changing poopy diapers. She didn't have anymore suggestions.I just don't even think about it anymore, it used to be put into the days schedule somewhere between waking up and going to sleep I made sure it happened.Now I don't realize it has been a month or so until he complains. I am to be married this July and would love to enjoy the "wedding night" so I thought I would try the exercise suggestion. I will let you know if it works and if you find something please let me know also.