I've decided that I need to branch out of my routinue and work at this female friendship thing but its not easy. (Can you tell I've read MWFseeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche?)
I've decided to ask three different fellow moms to join me for lunch before the end of the school year. These are women that I've wanted to get to know better but can't seem to have more than a 3 sentence conversation when you are rushing here or there. So far so good. "Date #1": Great lady, funny, lots in common. "Date #2": scheduled for this week. Looking forward to our lunch since she is a genuinely nice and smart person. "Date #3" Haven't figured out who I might ask yet but I have someone in mind.
What do you do to cultivate new friendships? Does this strike you as weird?
ADD: I have many acquaintances through school, PTA, neighborhood, former work friends etc but since becoming a SAHM these new relationships don't have much depth. They are polite and enjoyable but that's it. We get together for a PTA committee to plan our event and that's where it ends. And sometimes that is just fine with me. I don't jive with everyone. And who does really?
Thanks everyone for the love. I'll keep you posted.
It really is hard to cultivate friendships that aren't superficial once you've hit Momhood. It takes so much longer because no one has the time. Lunch idea sounds great to me. I think this is VERY common, at least it is for me.
I think what you are doing is fine. It doesn't strike me as weird. Just remember, not every woman will be looking to cultivate a friendship. You can't take that personally. I know I have a circle of friends I have known forever. I don't typically enjoy a lot of female friendships, so I'm not really looking to cultivate any others. I have gone on lunch dates and what not, but I rarely follow up. I don't do that, because the person isn't great. I'm just not interested. If you keep putting feelers out there are inviting, you will find some women who are genuinely in need of, and looking for more friends. Nothing weird about it, makes sense to me.
I think I need to read that book! I've been trying to figure out what I need to do in order to have a more active friend base and be more confident! Thanks for sharing, I think it's a great idea!! GL! :)
I have this same issue. I am an older mom (54), black and Southern. Stereotype would think that Southern, Black women would have loads of friends. I do not. I find that women get so into their families, work, or only keep a clique of BFFs that they have no time to cultivate new friends. Also, when I do open a circle for cards or a bbq of mature women, they may bond with one another and again I am the source of friendships that do not include me. I like what you are doing. My advice is to not just open yourself to women who are in your same ethnic group--many of my close friends are of other ethnicities and I find a newness that I have not found for a long time with my own ethnic group. Good Luck. This search for friendships even as we age does not go away or get any easier.
Good job.. Also consider having a Happy Hour.. Or find a time to meet somewhere for a short happy hour with these other moms..
Many women are dying for an excuse to get out of the house and speak with other adults.. Organizing it is easy..you just have to actually do it,.
I do a lot of charity work. When I move somewhere new, I join the groups that do stuff that is interesting to me, and that's how I first find friends. That always branches out into other things, and then I meet more people. I also find those who I click with and then we get together to do other stuff. I also find just fun social stuff to go to, invite the friends I know, and that is more that we find that we have in common.
My kids are older, so I don't do the "mom thing" anymore. However, working with committees that don't have to do with children has been very successful for me.
My neighbor and I have recently gotten very close. We've lived next door for 7 years, and have always been friendly, but it's getting much deeper, and, as an introvert, I am delighted by that. I can't do much without having my kids in tow, but she has a son the same age as one of mine, so we go to parks, on walks, to the zoo, and just hang out together at each other's homes/back yards.
I had always assumed the had tons of friends, and she does have lots of friends, but they are all at different stages of life.
Other close friends I have made over the past few years are a few ladies that I met from a mom & tots playgroup at my former church. Even though I now go to a different parish, we still stay in close contact, and are even signing our kids up for pre-k activities together. I find the strongest bonds tend to be with women who are also living far from their hometown, as I am.
What about a party/social...whatever you want to call it; pose it as a party for kids with adult treats (adult beverages, too? I'd go!) so the moms can hang while the kids play. Also, like some stated~ volunteer in the class, help out wherever you can in the school, go to everything you're invited to. And then relax and let friendships take their course.
It doesn't strike me as weird. Maybe a bit contrived, not sure.
Everyone needs friendship and it takes being a friend to have a friend. As you said some don't jive and some do. There are all kinds of levels to friendships. It's great to have a close one to depend on and maybe you'll find that. And it's always nice to find someone who jives with you.
Good luck with it.
I joined a few mom groups the first month I started being a stay at home mom, now nearly 1 year ago. I quickly realized that making mom friends would be tough. I think my expectations were pretty high, meaning, I thought it would be easy! I should be making more of an effort but I feel like moms say they want to form friendships like on meetup mommy groups and stuff but then never actually meetup!
What you are doing is definitely not weird. It is very healthy that you've taken account of what you are either missing or want to expand on and doing something about it. Not only is making friends tough when you're older but it is SO much harder once you are a mom. Good luck!
First of all, good for you for reaching out!
I have only a few VERY close friends, but I have several "mom" friends, some of whom I've gotten fairly close to over the years.
None of these friendships happened quickly, and some have come and gone (especially if there was a falling out between our kids---awkward!) but overall I'm pretty satisfied with the friends I've made.
Do you also include couples? I have made some friends through my husband's golf buddies, we've gotten together for dinners and drinks, and occasionally have gone out to shows and concerts. It's nice to mix it up with the husbands.
Another great way to "date" is through exercise. I have a few regular groups of moms I walk with. We live in an area with lots of trails so getting together for a walk followed by Starbucks is very common.
Good luck and have fun!!!
I think your idea is a great one - I have found that many women are seeking friendships but just don't act on it or assume that everyone else already has enough friends. I am not a "coordinator" by nature and usually it works out that I have that one friend in each group who plans things and really keeps things going but when that person stops making plans, months will go by without our group of friends getting together. All it really takes is one person to say "hey, let's do (lunch, drinks, coffee, dinner, see a movie, etc.)" and before you know it, you are building relationships and forming friendships. Good for you!
YMCA swim days in the mornings
Not weird at all!
What do I do... same as you. If I meet someone (work, kids' school, church) that I want to get to know outside of that setting, I call and invite her to lunch or out for a cup of coffee. Sometimes it's a hit... other times, not so much.
I volunteer at my sons school, and other community activities - friendships happen from there. I will be honest though - I do not do friends well over all I like my circle small but my contacts broad, if that makes sense to you.
I know many people but by choice have few I would consider friends or would consider me a friend in return.
I would not consider it odd though, your approach and would happily accept your invite - then spend some of it asking you to help out at my next event lol.
It's a bit dodgy out in the big world of motherhood and the fine lines in between. Your situation doesn't seem odd. Every woman should chit chat, share, blog, catch up, journal, blah blah blah, everything. But, why in the world would you wait that long? Seems a bit desperate... Don't you think? Last time a team mom pulled that on me, she told me her husband is cheating on her. It was our first team meeting. All I'm saying is, don't stress it to make friends. Just find your common ground. Making friends is easy, its what's to say that really matters.
