I met a woman who sat down by me after watching me across the room at a meeting. She was brand new to town and thought I knew tons of people and had lots of friends. This is totally not true, but it was the first meeting and I wanted all the new people to feel welcome because I HATE feeling totally unwanted.
She told me that she wanted to make friends, find out about the town, and such. I have been praying for more friends, for deep friendships, and that I could find people with the same values. She stays at home and wants someone to do things with. Great. Me too. Sounds perfect.
Instead of thinking "Wow. What an answer to prayer!" I thought "I don't want this woman calling me 15 times a day, every day. I can't be her sole support. I hope she finds somebody else." She is a lot like me, so much like me, and I wanted to get away from her. I wonder if I am repulsive and scaring people off by being clingy. I am trying to find a therapist because I have such doubts.
I helped her complete all paperwork, gave her tons of information, and am friendly to her. I am ashamed of myself and am going to invite her over. She seems perfectly nice. There is nothing I would want her to change, especially since I don't know her.
Does that make sense?
INvite her for coffee. Have a nice time. If she gets to be a drag then just be busy. You will never know until you try.
Yes.
Welcome to Philosopy 101.
What a great opportunity for self-exploration and values clarification.
Carry on!
You are not alone, believe me. I have done the same thing. Maybe not in relation to making mom friends, but something like that where I want something, and as soon as I get it, I'm already resenting it.
Good for you for realizing your thought process, and for taking steps to reverse it.
Got room for one more in your boat? LOL! I don't think, just by reading what you said here, that this is a therapy needed thing. We all want friends but not too often & not too clingy. Maybe one that will call once or twice a week or even email but not 1,000 times a day. I'd say if you don't open up some to this person you will never know if she's the clingy sort or if she has boundaries, which I'm sure you'll feel out when you invite her over. Relax, you're perfectly normal for thinking the way you do. :) Have a good week.
RELAX!!!! NO HARM DONE! I have all those same thoughts all the time. And fears people will be too time consuming. They never are! I've approached people when I'm new and asked their contact info and never heard back from them. I know I'm nice and meant no harm and assumed they were just busy (by conscious decision to ignore my paranoia), not that I was hideous.
But she will be glad to hear from you. You're doing the right thing by making yourself invite her, everything will be OK, It's good she made the first move, sometimes being new is what it takes for that boldness in us hermits. ALL MOMS ARE BUSY, so she isn't going to attach herself to your hip, and if she's the clingy type, she'll soon find other clingy types and back off naturally over time.
Don't be scared, don't feel guilty. Effortlessly networking and socializing is a personality trait and gift that only some people have. Just be yourself, be kind, make an effort (like she has given you an opportunity to do) and everything will work out.
I get the same way. It's weird. I want friends, but tell myself that I don't have time for them. When I DO make friends, it sometimes does turn out that they want to hang out all the time, which is not like me. I'm a homebody who likes to spend my day with my kids and cleaning. I have one friend who likes to come over but she doesn't know when to leave and it makes me feel terrible that I don't want her around so much, because she's so nice and our kids love each other. Just know that you aren't alone. See how it goes...
C.,
You won't know until you invite her over and get to know her. Maybe she appears clingy like you but really isn't. YOu can mention that you like to have friends but you don't want to be overbearing in your friendship. Who knows, she is probably thinking the same thing about you, lol. You are psyching each other out (smile)...
If your son or daughter came to you and told you this story, what advice would you give to him or her?
C.
Be careful what you wish for. Hee
Don't be ashamed of thinking this way. Maybe your sub-conscious caught something in this woman's manner that is giving you doubts about her personality.
Regardless, it is nice that you're going to invite her for coffee. And if she does start calling you 15 times a day or something absurd like that, you can always tell her to stop. Be assertive.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
yeah. that's why i don't have friends :). the only people i hang out with are my family. but growing up, i was always this way. my family always had and has a lot of fun together. we all have kids that are jpretty much the same age, so it works out great. besides i prefer it to be just me alone, relaxing, not having to make idle chatter and gossip. i'm friendly with some women, but i don't go out of my way to be "friends" with them. i'll stop and talk and we have lots in common, but while i have the desire to sometimes do something more. i'm so used to not doing things. it's a habit and it's hard to break.
Makes perfect sense. I have always been terrible at friendships with women! I have one female best friend, we are similar in ways, but very different in others and in totally different places in life, we often go months without seeing each other and live only 10 miles apart!
I too have been longing for female friends near me who are moms, who have similar mindsets and parenting styles (hard to find, cause I am a strange mixture!) But I would probably react the same way. I don't "nurse" friendships very well. I tend to be shy and very inclusive with my family and don't want to feel like I am obligated to anyone or anything. I belong to a mother's group, but don't always make meetings and while it's all great while I am there, I have to work to make myself show up to things because I feel out of place (probably for no other reason than my own insecurities!)
Makes perfect sense and I feel your pain. It's a struggle to step outside my comfort zone and put myself out there as a social person in order to fulfill that part of my life. Keep praying, keep working on it, and I'm sure it will improve...I'll do the same!
this response is geared toward, not only this question, but quite a few of your recent ones. You are searching, you are struggling....both emotionally & physically.
I applaud you for identifying issues within your life. It takes courage & strength to look within ourselves! Therapy will help you on this path! Good Luck & Best Wishes.
Let's cross the bridge when you get there. Just give it a try, who knows you can be best friends without the clingy part :)
I know one of my best friend since kindergarten, thirty something years now. I know we can count on each other, share about anything without worry it will be a town gossip, and someone to listen to our stories. But we are not seeing each other a lot. Just occasional email or chat, sometimes a phone call, and we met when we can. No pressure no judgement. Maybe that what make our friendship last.
Maybe she is the one for you... :) good luck.
Why do you think she would call you 15 times a day? It sounds to me like she is looking for friendship and not someone to be her sole supporter. Yes I think you are pushing people away from you and you don't sound clingy at all, just the opposite.
Wow, sounds like we are all alike. I desperately want friends too, especially that deep friendship that you mentioned, but I can be so judgmental and don't want that clingy person. While I can't stop feeling and acting this way, I do psychoanalyze after the fact that it is my way of not getting too close to someone and getting hurt. After giving someone a chance, I then have to work really hard to make sure that I'm not that clingy person, yet still making the effort too. This doesn't seem to come naturally to me, and seems like a lot of work, but I remember that things that we work far are more worthwhile.
OK, you want to have friends, but you push them away. Hum
LOL - I thought I was the ONLY one who worried about stuff like this! Loved the other moms' answers . . . thanks for posting the question.
Oh, how wonderfully honest you are with us and yourself! I completely identify and I'm a therapist: ) Its about boundaries: wanting closeness, but not too much; learning how to say, "Hey, I'll give you a call later" if its not a good time. Or, "would love to get together at this time, but not at this time"
Could be you don't like neediness... you're own or others. We humans need others, but when that need encroaches on our sense of autonomy or given your history (the issue I struggle with) other's sense of need scares me because it tests my ability to set limits.
Try the friendship, see if it is a fit for you and practice allowing the need and setting your own boundaries. What's the worst that can happen?
Best to you!!
Jen
I don't know but I actually like when the other person takes the initiative and calls to make playdates etc. I bet you she will NOT call you 15 times a day. Give her a chance, I honestly think having friendships with females is very important for us moms; we need to support each other.
I think what happens is that you may not know how to end a conversation or playdate. that always happened to me, I didn't know if I should stand up and leave or stay LOL, I ended up staying too long! anyways with practice I've learned to just say: Well it was great to get together, I have to go prepare dinner now. We'll call or e-mail during the week.
enjoy your new friendship, I bet the other mom feels also a little nervous too.
