Can a Gossip Be Made Self Aware?

i'd say yes, but only if they want to.
has she ever asked you to be honest with her about why she gets excluded?
if she does, then a few thoughtful well-chosen words might help. 'most people prefer to share their stuff on their own terms and get upset if someone else has jumped the gun on them. i've noticed that sometimes you're a little more ready to share than some folks are comfortable with.'
honesty, in a kind form.
if she hasn't asked, then i think the way you're handling it is absolutely the best. simply don't do the gossip dance with her. even a 'sorry, i don't think it's appropriate for us to go there. hey, have you picked a weekend to go to the renn faire?' might get the message across if she's open to hearing it.
khairete
S.

I think there's a way to help someone who is honestly asking for personal help (why don't I have friends, why am I always excluded from the dinner parties, why do I never have a second date, why do my kids disrespect me, etc). You've got to discern whether the person is just complaining ("i have no friends") or genuinely asking for input.

First, it's important that you have a good relationship with the person.

Second, it's important to stick to the subject. Don't overwhelm by saying, well, you curse and you rant and there was that time that you lied and you're always late and sometimes you're rude to servers in restaurants, and on and on. These all may be true, but if she's asking why she isn't invited to your weekly happy hour get-togethers, stick to that. "Josephine, when we've invited you in the past, you were so loud in criticizing the service at every opportunity, even when the poor guy was bumped into by the elderly woman who fell, causing him to drop what he was carrying, it's just not pleasant. And it happens every single time. We'd love to include you, if you were more gracious towards the hard-working staff, more discrete, and didn't monopolize the conversation by griping about the service".

And third, don't try to say "no one likes..." or "everybody hates....". Be kind. "Well, Josephine, to answer your question, sometimes you have a tendency to share information that isn't yours to share. Maybe you can ask yourself, before saying something about someone's marriage, job, baby, or other situation, if this information is necessary, kind and truthful and helpful. It's difficult to socialize with you, not knowing what inappropriate information you're going to put forth. I'd love to help you."

Is she a very good friend...like you would call her in your top 3 people if you had some sort of crisis? If so, then yes, you need to tell her somehow. If she's not then I guess I would probably keep letting it go. If it comes up naturally in conversation, like maybe when she's lamenting, and you feel like it's appropriate mention it, but just go into it knowing that she might get hurt and/or angry and it could temporarily affect your friendship. But if she really is a close friend you need to just lay it out there so she knows.

I do not think you should mention it at the moment she mentions wishing she had more friends.

I think you should either mention it at a moment in which she is actively gossiping (business management guides would call that "timely and actionable" feedback), or, bring it up at a totally different time, like "You know, I was thinking the other day about something you said...."

Also though, I would encourage you to think about what you personally stand to gain by telling her. Are you irritated with her gossip, and need to vent? Do you think she will appreciate your helpful friendship advice? I've had situations where I thought about trying to deliver "helpful" criticism to people I'm friendly with, but I ended up deciding that the better course of action was just to distance myself from the person a bit more (rather than becoming more deeply involved with the situation by engaging in criticism).

If she asks you why people don't include her?

Tell her the truth:
I'm sorry, Janet. People don't like to talk around you because you blab whatever they say to others. You have no boundaries and don't know how to keep your mouth shut. You are your own worst enemy.

It's GOT to be blunt. yes. she will be hurt. she won't see what she's doing as wrong if she's NOT telling lies about people. To be honest - how do you know it's NOT lies? That's the problem - it's like the game telephone. You say "I have a fried green tomato" and by the time it gets to the last person or even back to you - "you stole the green tomato" or worse.

DO NOT offer the information. ONLY if she asks.

I would tell her when she's talking about her lack of friendships. She'd be more open to hearing it. It takes guts to say something like that but it's what I would do if she were my friend. If we can't talk with our friends openly and honestly, they aren't much of a friend are they?

You want to tell her and that's admirable and a good quality in a friend in my opinion. I have all kinds of friends but the ones I cherish the most are the ones that can and are willing to tell me the truth in a loving way.

Timing of the tell may be less important that the content of the tell. How much love can you put on it? I would also add that you STOP participating in entertaining her gossipy ways. If you continue to listen to her gossip it is just as bad as telling the gossip.

I would tell her and if she changes great and if she is unable to change I would definitely change the dynamic of her being able to gossip to me out of our friendship. Either way you would have tried and she would have a place where she can begin to exercise the new skill of conversation without gossip.

Many years ago, when casual friends asked me how I was doing, I was honest. I had a niggling feeling something was wrong but couldn't figure it out. Then one of the friends ask me abut an issue in my personal life. After I answered, he told me I gave people too much information. He didn't name people or make his comment about how other people felt. His opinion was just his opinion.

I was a bit hurt at the beginning. I wanted to say, "well, you asked me." This was early in life when I was having difficulty understanding boundaries. Eventually, I understood what he was saying. I appreciated his "heads up.

The way I respond to gossip is to either change the subject or to say, in a kind way, I don't want to hear it. My focus is on letting her know how I feel. I wouldn't say how others feel. How others feel about her is really none of my business. If others have told you how they feel and you're repeating it, you're gossiping.

I suggest that improving your relationship with her is the way to start. If she asks, not just complaining, about not being included you could tell her how you see the picture without saying how someone else feels. Something like, "I feel uncomfortable when you repeat other's personal stuff to me. Once she understands why you feel this way she can choose to get more feedback or not.

I don't tell a few people things for the same reason. I do have a couple of friends that I can tell anything to and know it will still be private later on.

I'd tell her that people don't want to hear about private things pertaining to other people. When she starts telling you a story about someone why not stop her and say "Did they say you could tell me about this? It's sounds private and they might not like it being told".

.