Making Yourself Happy- or Overused Sentiment?

To me, being responsible for my own happiness means improving my reactions to people and situations, changing MY outlook so I can find humor in sadness, love in conflict, and better communicate my needs to those around me. Happiness is simple, really. I have been happy huddling under blankets in the dead of winter with my heat shut off. I have been happy when my husband is a jerk sometimes because he's here and I love him. I have been happy walking long distances instead of driving (b/c there was no car) because I have two legs that work.
No one person in this world has the power to make me chronically unhappy, except me.

It is true you are responsible for your happiness. But it takes two to make a relationship work and good communication skills and compromise. If someone loves you they care about you, your feelings, and what you want and need from them. For example, think of one small thing you would like the other person to do and while being specific and caring, ask them to do it. If they don't want to invest anything in the relationship that you need, but want to take from the relationship everything they want and need.... then you might ask yourself if this is what you want. You can never really change anyone else, you can share with them how something they are doing makes you feel and then express in specifics what you want and need from them. It is up to them whether or not they are willing to participate in a give and take relationship with you, and you must decide what you are willing/not willing to accept. You may want your relationship to work more than anything, but you cannot force the other person to change and be/do what you want. They have to want the relationship enough and care enough about you to make some compromises. I also believe there are deep internal areas of ourselves we cannot change without becoming completely different people. An example is your sense of morals and values. You cannot go along with certain things to please another person, or keep the relationship going but feeling as if you are morally doing horrible things. Relationships that make you feel miserable, unhappy, unloved, etc. are not really relationships IMHO.... I believe we sometimes prefer living with an illusion rather than the reality because the illusion pleases everyone else around us and we know it will be painful to end the relationship. Some emotional pain is long lasting and some is short term, you have to decide what you want and how to get what you need. Regardless of what you do, you deserve some happiness and peace of mind. I wish you well.

Does a steak and lobster dinner make me happy? Yes. If a condition to having that steak and lobster dinner required me to sit in a used outhouse and eat it, would I eat it and be happy then? No.

You must surround yourself with an environment that makes you happy in order to actually BE happy. Happiness is also fleeting and comes and goes. No one is "happy" all of the time.

You have to be open minded enough to let things in that allow you to be happy and to lose the things that make you unhappy. These things come in degrees and can also be fleeting in our lives. Having patience usually helps you to have more "happy" moments because you learn to wait for them to happen.

I LOVE that phrase. It means that if someone is treating me with disrespect, I speak up and tell them to apologize and change. If they don't I follow through. This may mean limiting their interaction with me.Or even staying away from them quite deliberately. Or asking for help on how to deal with them if required to interact with them. Because I am in charge of my own happiness, I get to choose who I surround myself with in friendships. Because I am in charge of my own happiness I picked a husband who is respectful and responsive to my concerns as I choose to voice them. Because I am in charge of my own happiness I take responsibility for my mistakes and expect others to do so as well. Because I am responsible for my own happiness I seek help when I need it. I think I interpret this phrase far differently than you do. And if someone ws causing me pain, I expressed my concerns, and they used this phrase to try and dimiss what I said? Well I would take a hard look at that, and that person's place in my life. Best of luck to you.

I think the meaning of "we make our own happiness", is that we decide what is in our lives. The life we build around us we do so with the expressed purpose of being happy and fullfilled. I also think some people take this to the extreme and use it as an exuse to act however they want without regard for how it affects the people around them. It is backwards logic to think that bc you ask for help, you are making yourself unhappy. It is like saying, if it rains i will use an umbrella, so if i don't use my umbrella its not raining. Rubbish. We do make our own happiness by the life we create for ourselves. I don't think anyone chooses a partner in life, or makes committments in life, because they think its going to make them miserable. It is not unreasonable to expect that the people we choose to be in our adult lives also choose us for theirs and therefore should have our best interests at heart as we do theirs. Unfortunately, this is not always the case as many of us find out.
I know you were just venting and looking for some perspective and I admire your awareness of life. Of course life is not always rainbows and kittens and while we do make our own happiness, it is not reasonable or healthy to expect things or people to be perfect. I gather from reading your postings that you know this and that you are very in tune with the life you have built and the people you have CHOSEN to include in it. How lucky for them to have you.

I think "normal" people in "normal" relationships have an obligation to strive for the happiness of others. Spouses do things to make life better (easier, happier if you will) for each other. Parents like to see smiling faces on their children. Bosses aim for a cooperative work environment. It seems to me that, in this instance, the "you make yourself happy or not" is a way for people to say to you, "you will put up with things or you won't." If no one around you is willing to change or bend to your will then you either accept it and keep trying, accept it and give in or you remove yourself from the situation.

I think that phrase is very true. Like another mama said--YOU control how you react to everything. You can let it get you down or you can find the silver lining. If your husband doing thing specific things pisses you off--then I say, make yourself happy and tell him about the offense or kick him to the curb. Sometimes, to make yourself happier, it involves trying to improve a relationship or ending it completely. And in improving a relationship, it does involve TWO people, not just yourself. If the other isn't interested in working on it, then the only way to "Make yourself happy" is to remove yourself from the situation. Right? Just my opinion...

Why do people keep telling you "you make your own happiness" No one has ever said that to me. Sounds very annoying and I'd be tempted tp walk away. but it does make me wonder if you are complaining a lot? As far as hubby helping around the house of course he should help. what worked for me was figure out what he will do and wont do. If I serve sandwiches and leftovers every night he will start cooking dinner (but not clean up afterwards) He will go to the grocery store, esp with a list. but he's never gonna notice the microwave(coffee maker etc) needs cleaning. He will do his own laundry if I dont but I dont allow him to do my laundry as he lets it wrinkle or ruins delicates. What I learned from reading John Grey when I want him to just listen and offer sympathy I start by telling him "I need you to listen and not try to fix the problem but just listen it will make me feel better if you just listen" this listening to each other's problems is a purely female condition men dont tell each other problems. He's trying to "fix " the problem by telling you to control your own happiness.

I think we have an obligation to facilitate each other's happiness.

That said, it doesn't mean that people have to give each other exactly what they want. Just using the chore example above: you say "I want the house cleaner, I can't do it all" husband says "I don't want to help" but ALSO says "don't do it all; you're doing too many chores." I think that is a case where you can make yourself happier: either accept that _you_ like a certain level of cleanliness and you're going to have to do it to get the house as clean as you want it or accept that _others_ don't care if the house is as clean and stop cleaning so much! You choose which one will make your happier.

It also depends what kind of "transgressions" you're talking about. If someone _does_ something hurtful then they have an obligation to right it. If someone _is_ something that you don't like, you can either learn to live with it or constantly be unhappy, but you can't expect that person to really change. For example, I'm a "kidder." I have kind of a sharp sense of humor. So if I say something truly hurtful, of course someone has every right to expect an apology. But if I'm joking around with someone the same way I joke around with everyone else, and something small rubs you the wrong way, you can be all pissed off that I was rude, or you can say "oh, she didn't mean anything by it, it's just the way she is, I'll let it go." And the expectation is the same about some of your faults (for example, I have friends that are always late. I can get mad every time that they're late, or I can just know that is who they are, accept it and move on).

Again, we should try to make those we love happy. But we can't do it at our own expense. Nor can we be solely responsible for making ourselves happy. There must be a give and take. But the kicker is that only you know where the line is.

Good luck!

I hate this expression as well because selfish people use it to justify being selfish when they are doing things entirely for themselves without regard to the well being of others and thoughtless, inconsiderate people use it to justify offensive behavior. While I certainly think that all of us can get up in the morning in a good mood or conversely, on the "wrong side of the bed", and I know I have days where my reactions to the behavior of others is better or worse, that doesn't mean it is okay for people to treat us unkindly or disrespectfully. And it's easier to blow some things off then it is to blow other things off based on our own personal values. We are happiest when we are in an environment where our values are common, or at least, respected. So the responsibility for personal happiness is really our personal decision to stay or leave or avoid situations where our personal values are not supported. We all have different sets of values so what is a real trigger for you might not be the same trigger for your husband. Challenge your husband to a game of personal values setting. There are card decks available from Amazon. Every card has a word on it that signifies a value like "Honesty", "Cooperation". Each person sorts the cards into four stacks "Not Important to Me", Not Very Important to Me", "Important to Me", "Very Important to Me". Then you take the "Very Important to Me" stack and keep narrowing it down until you have just 4 cards. It's very thought provoking and it helps you sort out things you can accept and things that are just too much in conflict with your values to accept. I think it helps define what happiness is for you personally and maybe it will help your husband see why behavior that conflicts with your most important values corners you into a position of either being unhappy, or having to choose to avoid certain situations in order to take personal responsibility for your happiness.

An expression right up there on my list of UNfavorites (along with "this too shall pass...").
Your reaction to, and processing of negative ideas, attitudes, behaviors also is part of "making yourself happy."
If your husband doesn't do what you request then you walk around miserable all day because of his response then you are making yourself UNhappy.
In a perfect world, he would think twice about brushing off your requests because you might think that making YOU happy is also making him happy at the same time, no?

I think that your issue is not the phrase, it is more basic than any set of words. You might want to speak to a marrage counselor so that you can get rid of your resentment, and he can learn what it is that he does that is so hurtful. If he is not willing to work with you to make the marriage a more loving give and take, then you may be one of those people who does have to find your own happiness. You can only change you, but that does not mean that you cannot ask that the other person change themselves, as long as you are ready to hear what it is about you that makes them twist too.

My guess is, if you are hearing a lot of people tell you this about your troubles, then you are complaining a great deal, or you cannot hide your disapointment very well, and they are trying to tell you something (and having a disabled kid, I hate the "God won't give you anything you can't handle" expression, but I finally took the hint, and quit complaining...they just wanted me to stop talking about it) so they may just want you to act, instead of speak, because, afterall, if you are not speaking to your husband, you are talking to the wrong person.

I hope things work out better for you in the future and you can find happiness with your husband, as a couple.

M.

ok I didnt learn what this phrase actually meant till I got divorced. myexperience is this. I had a demanding abusive husband that didnt do anything. long story short I made my own happiness by leaving. I couldnt have made my self happy with him cause he wasnt happy with himself. now when I was divorced I could have had a continual pity party which I did for a couple of years then I learned to make my self happy by taking dance class and martial arts. i was happy when i did these things. I made my happiness by decorating my house the way I ME ONLY wanted it.

or not I could have stayed with the a**hole and been miserable for the rest of my life had to do things his way and had to answer for my every move. you dont ignore every transgression you decide if it make you happy or not if not find another way like divorce. in my case. yes he is responsible for his being a jerk. sohe can be a jerk to you or not if he choses not you can leave and make yourself happy or stay and be miserable. by leaving you are making him responsible for his own actions. :)

now lets say my other half told me when It came to buying a car I could make my self happy or not. so this means I will get the car I want and not settle for what he wants. if your settling your not going to be happy with your choice to let him decide for you. make your self happy or not. your happiness is getting lets say a hum vee. he says no I want a car more economical. is that what you really want if not hold your ground and make yourself happy.its easy to say and not do. to do it takes a reality check. nobody likes reality checks. they are probably pretending to be happy in thier circumstances but not actually happy cause they havent found true happiness. yes being a single mom was hard but I was so much happier than being married. if he likes debate he is making himself happywatching you get upset and knowing he is winning on the other hand you are not making your own happiness by letting him walk on you. I dont know if this is the case or not its just an example. so that is my take on that phrase. are you happy if not do what you have to to make yourself happy. :)