Sad to Say I Might Be Married to a Jerk

Sounds like you are having a bad day. I mean dogs?

You may be happier if you accept different people show emotions differently. That doesn't by proxy mean they don't feel the emotions. One thing I dearly love about my husband is he knows how I feel even when the external doesn't match. :)

Does he go through ups and downs? My dad does and it drives my mom insane, but he's a good man and they have an overall great marriage. They will hit 34 years in a couple of weeks!

My hubby drives me crazy sometimes too and I'd definitely say he has a very selfish bone in him. He chooses when to show it and when not to show it.

I'd do counseling and see if that helps.

Marriage is a two person challenge. You both have to WANT it and work for it. If you can't, it will never work. If you can, good luck!

My dad wasn't a quitter either when I was little. I sure wished he would have been. I might have actually had a happy childhood. We were responsible for him staying with my mom. We felt responsible for his unhappiness. It's a terrible burden for a child. 33 years later they are still married. Still have the same relationship. Still not quitting. Still miserable. Thank God, I'm old enough to choose my own happiness, and don't have to rely on my parents for security.

Is something in the water? Lots of questions like this over the weekend...

Why is divorce not an option? You can't change him or make him want to change, so your options are put up and shut up. Not trying to be ugly, but if you're going to keep sticking your hand in the fire, of course you're going to get burnt.

My husband moved out 2 1/2 months ago. Yeah we have kids, but you know what? The kids and I have never been happier. Now he sits alone in his own misery, but his negativity is not my problem anymore. Of course I feel sorry for him but he did this to himself. Point is, WE'RE happy, and my kids are my top priority. This is for the absolute best :)

Micky, I am so sorry about your beloved pets. I am sorry you are so unhappy.

"Edit: Btw, I do not want a divorce. We have kids together. I'm not a quitter. We recently went through problems recovered but he seems to be more of a jerk as he ages. "

You are placing a great burden on your children.. Not only putting up with his behavior, but forcing your children to not be quitters in your marriage. Maybe making a better life choice is what is needed for them. They need to witness a happy marriage and happy home to have the same when they grow up.. Yes, they are very aware of what is going on.. They see and hear everything. No matter their age.

I am a child of divorce.. the relief that I felt when my mother FINALLY announced she was not giving him any more chances, was the beginning of a new wonderful life for all of us.

Yes it was emotional and hard, but over all, I would not be the person I am today, if they had stayed married.

My father did not get his life together until 25 years later and another divorce under his belt..

I am glad I did not have to watch my mother be disrespected, ignored unless being criticized or mocked. We were all there to make sure he was happy.. No matter what we did it was never enough.. Life was all about him.

Are you a better person with him or without him.
If you want to work on this, please seek professional help.

The lack of compassion is a red flag. You might want to read up on being married to a narcissist. I wasn't a quitter either and stuck it out for 25 years. It did more damage to our children than it did good to stay.

This website saved my sanity as I figured out what was going on in my marriage and how to get out safely.

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/

Hi Micky - That's great that you are not a quitter but you realize this is all your little guy has known his whole life, that is his example of a couple. He lets his parents treat you awful and his ex-wife influences your relationship. This isn't good. I hope some positive changes can be made for your family.

Just my opinion but not caring for animals is a huge character flaw.

It is sad that your kids are seeing this kind of behavior and modeling each aspect of their lives according to this. They will grow up and have the guilty feelings placed on them that they were the reason that you stayed. Like Dr. Phil says. "Better to be from a broken home then in one!" I have gone through a marriage like this and it will only be worse over time.

As I read your post, I guess I see three different things you're talking about. 1. His "my way or the highway" approach to things. 2. His lack of compassion for animals. 3. You're not a quitter.

1. I've only been married 6 years, so believe me, I am not expert. I do remember the first year of our marriage (we had a honeymoon baby, so lots of adjustment). I wouldn't say my husband had that attitude, exactly, but I did have to talk to him about the fact that he was really treating me like a housekeeper and a nanny. He would come home from work and want to eat and then work in the garage. On the weekends (every weekend) he wanted to go to his parents house so he could work on things there. They have 4 acres, and most of his projects were there. Part of the problem was that I didn't want to cause trouble, but I really had to talk to him about what it was that he expected a marriage to be and why he thought his behavior was acceptable. Little by little, we worked out ways to work together, compromise, etc. The goal, afterall, is to find ways for both of us to be happy. You need to talk to him about this one.

2. I was really surprise to see the number of people who thought this was a deal breaker. I don't me to sound insensitive, but I'm just not an animal lover. I did marry a man with 3 cats, and 2 of them have pass away. I didn't personally feel any loss, but I did feel compassion for what my husband was feeling. I don't think it was wrong that he didn't personally grieve the loss of your pets, but I do think it was wrong if he didn't at least show you some compassion during your grieving process.

3. I have no idea whether your marriage is a good one or not. That would be insanely presumptuous. But I really don't believe the term "quitter" applies here at all. You're looking at that as a bad word, as if a "quitter" was someone who was lazy, didn't care, didn't feel like working to make something work. Sometimes the smartest thing a person can do is look at a situation and say, "Who benefits from this situation remaining the same?" Only you can decide whether staying in this marriage is really in your best interests and in the best interests of your children. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to take some time to really reflect on your life. Give yourself some time to really imagine both scenarios. If you allow yourself to really think and reflect and feel, you will know what the right decision is.

I think you're definitely venting.

Husbands are never, ever the way wives expect them to be. I imagine wives aren't ever the way husbands want them to be, either. I'd hate to ask my husband whether I measure up to his original dreams.

But marriage is teamwork by two people who aren't what they expected one another to be, who choose to stick together and keep going. They forgive one another and look for the best in each other (even though the best may be well-hidden) and keep going.

So will you.

I'm sorry your pets have died. That's happened to me, too. I'm sure they couldn't have had a more loving person than you.

I just hope you role model a whole lot of compassion, thick, gooey, lovey-dovey, over the top compassion to your kids to make up for your husband's lack there of.

Good vent though....hang in, and remember, we are responsible for our own happiness.....so invite any and all friends over who have lost a pet and have a little wine and celebrate their lives with pictures.

"Besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play"?

Dont' worry about "not being a quitter", worry about you and your kids being survivors. If you ever tried to adopt a pet from a shelter and told them what you have told us, they would most likely not allow your family to adopt a pet,

I'm sorry. My honey is helping his ex-wife plan her wedding with her current man. And his mom is also helping out. he is even planning her bacholette party. How cruel is that. And I already told him I didn't feel comfortable with him doing that but he just gets mad at me. And tells me to just watch "their" kids so they can go shopping. So really it's like he and his mom are never around anymore. And i'm left taking care of all the kiddos. I think he still has a thing for her. Plus his mom just adores her and everything I do is wrong and all that good stuff. The way he treats me in public is kinda not the best. Everyone tells me that he is seeing her still and I just don't want to believe it. But what can I say...I love the man.

I guess I'm not understanding why posted this if divorce is not an option. That to me says you are not willing to take the steps that may need to be taken if he doesn't change, which, most likely he won't, if he thinks he's doing wrong.

My way of coping with that would be ending it.

My husband can be a jerk and sometimes I truly don't like him. He can be rude, mean, annoying and just a pain in the butt at times. And we are both always right :). But, he is also loving, caring, a great dad, husband and provider. I love him with all my heart and those are the things I concentrate on when I don't like him very much.
It took a lot of years and very honest conversations to have the marriage we have today, and it is in no way perfect. In the early years, when I felt he didn't listen to what I had to say, I would write him letters. It's easy for people to tune you out when you speak, but I think putting things in writing makes you both think about it. Plus, you can remove the angry, whining or any other tones from it. Some of the best advice I got was not to begin a sentence with "You", because it's followed by an accusation. "You never...". "You always...". Instead begin with "I" "I feel like you don't hear me when I speak, don't respect me, ect.". Men are problem solvers, they are providers and protectors and by presenting it as "your" problem they will often try to figure out how to fix it.
My husband works in a make dominated profession and he constantly hears guys talking about "what a witch their wives are, all they do is $itch and complain, they won't have sex anymore, they spend all the money, ect, ect, ect". That effects men, especially if they identifie with what someone else is saying. Men bash women just like women bash men when they get together. Before my husband thought be identifeied with things the guys said, now he tells them, "It's nice to be in love with my wife.".
Friendship, love and marriag are a two-way street, you both have needs, wants and desires that you want met. I applaud your choice to try to make things better instead of walking away. It won't be easy to make changes and it may not work. Get to know your husband...why doesn't he like your dog, why does he feel that it has to be his way? You may not agree with his answers, but listening to them may help you understand them and figure out how to deal with them.
You seem like a smart and caring women. I seriously don't think you woke up one day and said "I think I'll go find me a jerk and marry him". Concentrate on why you fell in love with and married him.

And I am sad for you. No matter how hard you try....you can't change someone. And if you managed to do it...it probably would be just for a short time to make you happy.

you dont give allot of info, but if he really is a jerk, do you want your children to learn from him?
nevery put up with something from your man that you wouldnt be proud of seeing your son do!
because some day, you will.

To keep your relationship in tact, I suggest not outlining all the things you don't like about him. Instead, keep a cumulative list of the nice things he does and when you're having a "my husband is a jerk" moment, read the list to remind yourself of the good.

I imagine all wives have "my husband is a jerk" moments. I think I have a wonderful husband and some days I get moody and frustrated with him. The list helps me keep perspective.