Marriage - Irving,TX

It's not that he's talking to a woman or an old friend, but that he refered to her as "sexy". Not okay, especially if he's being secretive about it. If he were just chatting with her or even if he just said that her new hair cut looked nice, then okay, maybe that's okay, but sexy should not be used for anyone besides his wife...!

If you feel like you have reasons, this and others, to be concerned then you probably do. Confront him, get couseling, shut down FB, ...do whatever you both can do to make it better. I think the problem with FB is that people can be somewhat anonymous and it's "safer" to have these types of conversations b/c it's "not real"...but the truth is having these types of interactions will only lead to more so if you're worried now, talk to him about it.

No. If a man is complimenting a woman and commenting on her sensuality, then something is wrong. What woman would stand by and knowingly let her man tell another woman she is sexy and not be bothered by it?

Start commenting on another man's physique just to show him how it feels and see if he thinks its no big deal.

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I am not married, but I am divorced from a cheater. That was how it started was texts etc. I don't think a married man should be telling another woman that she looks sexy in a personal message. If he wanted to compliment her, he could have publicly posted a comment on the picture, "Hey Sue, looks pretty!" or whatever. There are different kinds of affairs, not only sexual ones. I don't think a married man should be talking to other women in a secretive manner. If it is innocent, then it should be so innocent that it can be public.

So sorry to hear, I'm sure you are heart broken. Good luck!!!

I don't think you're overreacting. Something similar happened to me a couple of years ago, when I was pregnant with our second daughter. I found messages between my husband and some girl he'd been talking to online, something like"
him - your new pic is hot
her - awe thanks, mwah!
him - sending me kisses, eh? I like it!
her - you better like it
him - I DO like it

Now, most people would probably think it's not a big deal, but *I* did. I found it SO inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I told him so and he said he didn't think it was a big deal, but that she wasn't worth hurting me over. They've never communicated again.

I think if it's something he's hiding or hurts your feelings then it's wrong and he needs to stop. It may not be a 'big deal', but if YOU feel like it is then he should stop.

It depends. I dont know how your marriage is as a whole.
Recently one of my hubbys old g/f's actually sent ME a message on FB since my husband didnt have his own account. I was cool with him talking to someone he hasnt seen since college so I opened him an account because I got tired of typing responses in for him. I typed in that he thought she looked great and that time hadnt changed her and stuff like that, it didnt bother me to quote those things to her. He wasnt trying to pick up on her, they were just compliments. If someone from your past said you were still looking sexy, I'm sure it would make you feel good, but if you thought it was a pick up line at the same time you could be way off. A guy telling a woman she looks pretty sexy, is pretty much the same as saying "you look good". But, again, it just depends on the person and the situation.
19 years of marriage sounds pretty sturdy, online chatting is a new and different world, you just have to play it by ear. If he leaves his pc on for you to see he's remaining an open book. Don't be afraid to dialog with him about what you read, let him explain what he really means. If talking to women from his past is a deal breaker for you, make sure he knows that.
In my case, I also talked to the gal for awhile, she told me funny stories about my hubby. She's happinly married and lives a few states away, so I'm not concerned about it at all.

Yes and no. I compliment men and women. The only reason I wouldn't use the word sexy is that I don't really like the word as a word. Does this mean I am having an affair with other women, nope. Does this make Troy worry, nope. We don't have any issues in our relationship.

That is where the yes comes in, it would seem you are having issues. There is some reason that you are checking the messages. It is that reason, not the messages or even the intent of the messages that you should be reacting to.

I would think after 19 years it is possible you have both forgot how to compliment each other. You are insecure because he isn't complimenting you, he is seeking compliments from other women.

The issue isn't that he's talking with another woman it's that he's not being open about it. Of course you are going to think he's up to something because he's going out of his way to keep it from you. You aren't overreacting; he's giving the classic reply at getting caught. If you've been married 19 yrs then he's probably middle age and kinda likes the attention he's getting from other women. Nip it now because it can escalate.

Of course you're not over-reacting. Your instincts have been correct each and every time and cheating or planning to cheat is a very big deal. Catching him in the act is a very big deal. His treating you poorly while complimenting other women on how sexy they look is a big deal.

Marriage counseling... get some. If he refuses then you know where your marriage stands with him. And please remember: Don't make any ultimatums that you have no intention of following through with.

Nope. Your husband shouldn't be telling any woman she looks sexy other than you. Period.

Talk with him about it. Make him realize what the "big deal" is. Share how hurt you are, then seek counseling since you are feeling you are needing to check the messages. Obviously you two need to work some things out.

I am so sorry you are hurt. I know how that must feel. If your husband won't join you in counseling, go alone. He may join you eventually, and you may be surprised at his willingness. Don't give up.

Best wishes.

I guess I would ask him if he would ever say that to her in person with you standing right there beside him. If so, he has serious problems, if not, then why not? He knows that he is wrong. He is trying to shift attention off of him to you. He needs to be protecting him marriage, and you do also. I guess I'm a little confused why you wouldn't already know your husband's passwords on his fb (or any other) account. My husband and I are totally open with all of our communications. I read all of his emails (he prefers that I do), and he has full access to mine. We don't sneak or hide things. I think it helps protect us from even the temptation to be flirty or whatever with other people.

You are not overreacting...I would pursue this further to understand if there are any underlying issues. I would start counseling asap if there is more to it than just communication....BTW and JMO....It is not ok for a married man to make comments to other women that you look sexy....!

if he had to inbox her the conversation, then he obviously was having conversations with her that he didn't feel the rest of facebook (you, family, friends) should see.... which is wrong. ask him if he'd publicly post on her profile that he thinks she's sexy.

probably not.
in which case: its WRONG.

He wasn't inquiring about where she lives or places she has traveled bc he was thinking about taking his wife to those places. He wasn't talking to her about her opinion in getting you a nice mother's day gift or what her take on _____ job field's she's in currently with the market.

He was telling her she's sexy and complimenting her looks.

sorry.

but that is crossing BOUNDARIES.

and HE knows that, and is trying to play dumb.
the biggest insult here is not what he's doing with her, but that he really thinks you are dumb enough to buy his excuses or fall for him turning it on you. Bottom line: he thinks youre dumb!

You need to stand up and show the mister some brains bc anyone WITH a set could easily decode that email. (and you have. and you don't need us to tell you that)

The big deal is that he is concealing this from you. Happily married men do not hide it from their wives if they connect with an old friend from high school.

If you felt like you had to check up on him, then there have been other signs, either obvious or subtle.

Trust your gut.

no. you're not overreacting. your instincts are clearly leading you to find things that are disturbing to you. talk to him. it doesn't matter whether he thinks he's doing anything wrong or not, the fact is you are hurt and he needs to address it.

good luck mama!
(and i'm sure you look fabulous with your short hair!)

As Dr. Phil says "for every rat you see there are a dozen you don't" Trust your gut. With Technology the rats get caught quicker. Don't confront him just slowly make sure you can take care of your self and that you have enough money.

It doesn't seem appropriate (as a married man) to refer to a woman as being "sexy". There's obviously much more to this situation, as you have alluded to so if you think there is something going on, then there probably is.

You felt the need to "check on him" for the first time in 19 years, so something felt "different" about your relationship and his communication... and it was different.

What's the big deal? The big deal is that you don't trust him for some reason. The big deal is that you feel like he's hiding something from you (despite the fact that he left the messages available on his account). Even if he has never physically stepped outside of your marriage, his communication with other women is inappropriate.

It's not about the haircut... some women can pull-off a pixie and some can't. It's about the fact that something has changed and you can't trust him. Find out "what changed" so you can start working on the your marriage.

For what it's worth, we have eachothers' passwords for Facebook. Neither of us have ever used them to "snoop" (not that I know of anyway), but there is a sense of transparency that I think is important. There's nothing on my FB account that my husband shouldn't see and vice versa.

It's hard to say if you are over-reacting without being there. But there is "talking to other women" and there is "TALKING." So which is it? My husband has friends who are girls. I have friends who are guys. He is allowed to compliment his friends. I personally think "sexy" is a bit far to go to compliment someone, but that's the only real red flag I see here, and even then, I don't know what their history is. They may have been flirting like this - with no real spark - for 20 years, for all I know. (That goes back to the "being there" thing already mentioned.) What is his style of communicating? As for the hair, well, I like long hair on a guy - but not my husband - it just wouldn't look "right" somehow. It could just be that he doesn't like short hair on you.

That that he's checking facebook on someone else's computer, and not deleting his contacts from his old cell phone also leads me to believe that he's really not seeing that he's done anything wrong - he's obviously not trying to hide anything.

No, I'd not say you are over-reacting and I'd be worried about his callous answer to your obvious pain and feelings of betrayal. The internet is where many affairs start - emotional, web camming and physical can all start with online interaction.

At this point, I would say no I don't think you are over reacting. I would be concerned over something like that if I found it from my husband.

To me it would be much more innocent if he had used better words. Wow so and so you look great and your short hair suits you. How have you been? But only you know your husband, if its in the norm to call woman out on how "sexy" they are then hey maybe it was innocent.

I just personally know its not in my husbands character to tell another woman they are sexy. To me? yes. Also, as a married woman I would be creeped out by an old high school friend calling me sexy in a private message like that. Personally, I probably would be blocking them. So I'm guessing, maybe this woman is single????