Marriage in the Ditch!! Help

As a fellow mom of 4yr old twin boys, I can honestly say I've been in your shoes. I know that with 2 small ones, who are more mobile now, that life is rough for you guys right now. You're both probably tired, and wore out from the day to day grind... which leads to short tempers and disagreements. Please try to focus on all the good things that he does for your family (which likely come from a place of love or he wouldn't do these things without being asked) and try not to bicker with him. Then focus on getting a break from the kids... even a few hours away to relax or get a pedicure or spend the afternoon with a friend, something... so that you can have the energy to be a positive, loving partner to your husband. Once, you've tried that, then the two of you probably need some alone time also, away from the kids. I know that this may be easier said than done... my husband and I have no family closer than 300miles away, and were relatively new to our area so didn't know many folks in the beginning. I do agree that marriages and intimacy have ebbs and flows, and that this period too shall pass. As long as you and your husband don't do or say things that can't be undone, and continue to work at it, then you too can get through this.
My other recommendation would be to talk with your ob/gyn or primary care md and discuss the possibility that you may be going through some depression. They can recommend some counseling possibly and also discuss with you other options. If your husband is willing, then see a counselor together, that way you both have a chance to get things off your chest... you may realize that your both feeling the same way, tired, overwhelmed at times, but still in love with the other person and wanting it to work.
I am new to this site, but if I can be of any help, please let me know.
Hang in there... I truly believe that God blesses those that can handle the challenge of twins, so he has faith in you too.

It is normal for a marriage to lose its "spark". Sexual chemistry is very difficult to maintain all the time. My first piece of advice is STOP BICKERING. It does absolutely no good to argue! Sit down with your husband and speak like friends do-- be respectful and honest, and don't get hurt by honest comments. I think that we are too quick in this society to throw away our marriages. We want perfection, and that just doesn't exist. You say he is a great man, well, focus on that! Look at him for all he is, not all he isn't. Think of families in general-- not everyone gets along all of the time. You can work on the chemistry. Rent a sexy movie, take a trip, play games together, make a list of things he can do to turn you on, whatever it takes. It may not come back right away, and you may never see fireworks like you once did, but you can always fall in love again. It is best to marry your best friend-- someone who you can TALK to for 70 years... someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway! Someone who takes care of you and respects you. There is nothing good that can come out of threats of divorce or arguing. That certainly isn't how we handle problems in our marriage. Respect has to be there for passion to be... remember that. And good luck-- keep working on it. Never give up. You wouldn't give up on your kids, so don't give up on their parents!

Wow, that' really hard, especially when you have two babies.

In my opinion, it sounds like there is some bitterness and resentment on your side though. Are you aware of something that made you look at him differently or made you start hating him?

Then, you need to ask yourself if you'd be happier without him or would you truly miss him.

At least try counseling with an open mind since you have children involved. They deserve to have a happy home and mom and dad.

Good luck to you....I really hope things get better for you soon.

Everyone who wrote that passion fades is 100% correct. I'd hate for you to get divorced just because the spark isn't there anymore. I know how very, very, very difficult it is (been there myself), but you really can get the spark back. I said spark - not "I want your body NOW, you are so sexy" type of passion. But a spark. Passion fades or dies. It is very disappointing, but extremely realistic. Please don't get divorced if you think you are going to have hot, steamy, passionate sex with your next boyfriend/husband. That may last for 2 or 3 months, and then it will fade/die again. I promise. Just like someone else said, the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Just work on getting that spark back. Start having sex - lots of sex, even if you don't want to (I know how hard that is - been there myself). But just do it anyway - a lot. Men are always much happier when we give them lots of sex. So just start giving him sex every night - not too late at night, since I'm sure you're tired from your twins. However, I assume they're sleeping through the night since they are 10 1/2 months old. I know you must be tired, but at least they are not newborns anymore. I assume you can get 8 hours of sleep every night if you wanted to, so please don't use fatigue as a reason not to have sex. Having sex is EXTREMELY important for your marriage. Once you start putting out every night (or almost every night), your husband will change - your marriage/relationship will change -for the better! And then you will have your spark back - not movie passion, but a spark. But the trick is to have sex with him even if you don't want to. You just have to force yourself to do it (besides, he'll pleasure you, right?) Trust me with this sex thing. Just do it!!!!!!!!!! Best of luck!!

I have only read a couple of the responses but sounds like you are getting good advice. I can tell you that after the birth of both of my kiddos (22 months and almost 3 months old) things have been extremely difficult between my husband and I. For us the "D" word is never thrown around even when we feel like we hate each other. Things will get better but you definitely need to get to counseling now before you do more damage. My son loves and adores his daddy and me. He needs us both in his life and it would be devastating to him if we weren't together. It would break my heart to see him so heart broken if we weren't. I could never do that to him. People go through really rough times in their marriages and in life in general. With hard work and time they come through so much stronger and glad they stuck through it. With our relationship troubles lately, I just remember that it is a temporary blip and will pass. We have talked about counseling and will probably do it briefly to get back on track and speed through this rough patch. Divorce is just not an option for us. We started our marriage committed to that and will do whatever it takes to work things out. Believe me there are many days lately that we are at each other's throats. When we had our first child no one told me how much of a strain it would put on our relationship. Afterwards when I asked friends, it seemed that everyone of them had gone through a rough patch for a bit. Ours was at least 6 - 9 months. With having twins, I can only imagine that things are even more of a strain. I now advise family and friends to be so rock solid in their relationships before having babies because it IS so difficult.
I wish you the best. I really hope you guys can work through this.

Hi Heather

I really understand where you are! I had a 20 month old daughter and my twin boys were born! Give me a call or we can go have a cup of coffee:-) I think I can make you feel better. This is so normal! Counseling does help! We went and our therapist made us realize we had way too much to lose. Having a third party invovled to mediate and make each of us realize the others feelings and stresses made a world of difference. Not too mention because of getting a babysitter to go to our counseling sessions gave us the chance to be in a car to and from without 3 kids was one of the things we were lacking; time alone! It is also easy to let yourself be last when taking care of two babies. You also have to take time for yourself! Go get a haircut or get a pedicare. If you feel and look good, your husband will think so too! One more thing... get away if you can. Whether together or you go away for a couple days and your husband take some time for him too! Giving to yourselves a little will make you a better Mom and Wife, and him a better Dad and Husband! Good luck! This is very typical with twins! I was super active in Twin Clubs and having other twin moms who can relate is a god send too!
Good luck! If you want to talk or set up lunch, or coffee, you can reach me at ###-###-####. I am in Flower Mound? M. Brooks

Kids are SO hard on a marriage. Sometimes it feels like it's all just drudgery, with nothing to look forward to.

I know of a marriage class that claims an 80% success rate at saving relationships that are on the edge. I am not the type to be pushy, and this may not be the one for you, but check out www.relationshiprich.org if you want, and see if it sounds like something you might want to try. I have heard that taking this class is like the equivalent of three years of weekly counseling -- in five days.

My situation is different from yours. I actually divorced my husband of 15 years, and took the Relationship Rich class with my soon-to-be second husband. We wanted to make sure that we don't repeat mistakes from the past. But most of the couples in there were long-time married couples who knew things were bad but wanted to make them better. There were a lot of tools given for better communication, reconnection, etc., but mostly for becoming the best self you can be so that you (and your spouse) have something to offer the other -- especially when you feel so depleted by the demands of life.

I wish you the best of luck. I have been there, and I know it's hard.

I would definitely encourage counseling. My husband and I were in a similar situation except he wasn't helping and at first he wouldn't go to counseling but eventually saw that it would help. This is my 1st marriage but his 2nd and I don't think he really wants a 2nd failed marriage. We also have a very strong-willed 2 year old so I know what you mean when you say the babies can be draining on the intimacy factor. We have only been to one session but just having someone to mediate and help you both see what is going on is so helpful. Just that one session made our daily lives a lot easier while we are going through this. If you have a church I encourage you to seek help there and if not there are a bunch of marriage counselors out there that can help. I am a believer in at least trying to get help before you give up so I hope you both can find someone to help y'all. I know the best thing for our families is to stay together if we can. I will pray for you!

last year my husband and I were heading down that road. Not too bad but we were bickering a lot and just not really seeing eye to eye and had lost some of the reasons why we got married in the first place. Anyway, my Brother in Law recommended that we attend the JH Ranch Husband and Wife Adventure (www.jhranch.com). It is a week long camp for couples at a ranch in Northern California. We didn't have the money to go but they offer scholarships and we were able to be sponsored and only had to pay for our flight up there and a rental car which was awesome! (if you can't afford the camp ask about partial or complete sponsorship)

The experience truly impacted our marriage in a positive way - we were able to talk to other couples in similar situations and without the outside distractions of LIFE we could focus on each other. It was amazing and our marriage is better for it. We had 2 of the couples renew their vows at the ranch - one of which had been separated and was headed for divorce.

I recommend it to anyone no matter if your marriage is in trouble or not! It is a Christian based camp so there is lots of focus on God as well - however, a couple of the attendees were not Christians and still had a blast so I recommend it to everyone!

It is completely normal for a couple to lose their passion and connection after a child is born -and I would imagine this would be even more true when you have twins. This doesn't mean that it won't come back over time, but you have to both be willing to work through this hard time. I agree with the previous poster that it would help to focus on the good traits that your husband has and work hard to rekindle what you feel is missing. I believe that counseling is a great place to start. It can help couples get to the root of the issue without them just ending up in an arguement, like they might if they were at home.

I am currently reading the book: And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman, who is one of the most reknown authors on marriage. I recommend all of Gottman's books, but this one is specific for couples coping with the changes that come in a marriage after children are born. I think it can normalize a lot of what you and your husband are feeling, as well as provide some ideas for how to move forward as a couple. http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindl...

I hope that helps. Best of luck to you both!

I think you have received some excellent advice. I would encourage you to keep working on your marriage. All marriages go through ups and downs ask anyone who has been married for many, many years. Try really hard not to bicker and push buttons and he will probably stop doing the same. Some of the best advice I once heard is love is not a feeling it is an act of the will. Somedays you may have to wake up and say I do love my husband or ask for the strength to do so and other times you won't even have to think about. I would encourage you to seek counseling. Best of luck to you.

Think you have been given good advice from fellow moms. Take some of it and really use it. I have been in a similar situation, but he was not a great guy after the first yr.. LONG STORY. I am re-married and we have 4 kids of our own and I brought two in from my first marriage. You need to step back a minute and think about the future. Play it in your head. My 2 kids (now 22 and 19) suffered more then anything and I never thought about that while we were going through our issues. My 22 yr. old never wants to get married and he still aches inside for the lack of a relationship with his dad. He suffered from depression and because his dad hated me he would tell my son lies that made him doubt my honesty and our relationship. (Thank god he is over that) My present husband has been step- parenting for almost 17 yrs. He is a great dad to them and they both love him. Our 19 yr. old a daughter, is a very strong person and she refers to her step dad as her real father and the one that will walk her down the isle, but she also has admitted that she wished she had the same in tact family our 4 have.
After our last bought in court -- he wants (my ex) nothing to do with them. He has not seen or spoken to them in 11 or 12 yrs. I even asked that he not pay any support and just take his visitation and be a good dad. (He did not want to pay child support and I paid $600. a mo. while he had them for his 6 mo.) The court (and I agree) felt having joint custody was no longer a good choice for kiddos.
I worked very hard to save my first marriage, but he was not a good guy --- like you have. We were room mates for 3 yrs. because he could not keep a job, but he had time for 16 yr. old girls.

I do know that many times after a baby or babies we tend to have feelings a of dread and distain for our mates. I encourage you to seek counseling and to get a sitter and do things you used to enjoy w/ one another. It doesn't have to involve sex. My husband and I have been through this 4 times and every time I get back in the groove of feeling intimate w/ him I GET PREGNANT AND the cycle begins again, but I truly love and adore him. A good example: we have not been sexually intimate in 3 mo. (had a p.g. scare and I have cold feet) But I still get excited when he is coming home and I love to talk, fish, and joke around with him. Remember you were friends first and remember your children MAKE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE for parents that can't or wont keep the respect, friendship and love for each other. This may sound cheesy, but Dr.Phil hit it right on the nose ( I get so tired of him) but he knows his stuff. "You have to earn your and work your way out of a relationship." You either contaminate or contribute to a relationship. BE A CONTRIBUTOR! Count your BLESSINGS you have 4 of them including yourself.

I think most parents have been where you are right now. My husband and I had a fabulous marriage before our first son came along. Then we began to argue constantly and disagree about almost everything. I was so unhappy and I know he must have been, also. I thought about divorce, but would remember what we had had and would watch my son as he slept so peacefully at night and wondered how much divorce would hurt him. We somehow made it through the first two years and things began to look up. Then I got pregnant with my second son and things went downhill for a while, even for the first few months after he was born. Since then, we have both made a tremendous effort to bite our tongues when we get mad at each other if we are in front of our kids and try to calmly discuss it later. It has taken a lot of work on both our parts and we still have bad days, but we start new the next and don't let it interfere with our children's lives because that's not fair to them. I've learned that having children changes your relationship and if you expect it to go back to how it was before, you are in for a big letdown because it isn't going to ever be that way again. You can have a new relationship, and really, it is stronger than what you've had in the past. At least it has been for us! So, I say go to counseling and work hard, if not for each other, then for your child. One of the best things you can give your children is parents who love each other. You're not alone! I'll say a prayer for your family!!