Mean Kid!!!???

2 and 3 year olds do not play in a bedroom or outdoors or anywhere...without supervision of a parent. End of story. When my kids were 3 and had friends over, we lived up North and had a basement. I was always down there with the kids. YOu never know what's going to happen. When a guest misbehaves---bam! he goes home.

Wow, what a tough situation.

First of all, he is 3.5 years old which for many is a really tough, tough stage of development so you'll see a lot of impulsive and aggressive behaviors, but I think this case is a bit more involved than that.

I would get down at his level so you're face to face, as soon as you see the transgression, and hold him firmly by the arms and say as calmly as you can, "I will not let you hit anyone in this house and I certainly hope that you will not let anyone hit you like that either."

Another thought if this doesn't work, is that they likely need more supervision while playing together because a 3.5 year old, never mind a 2.5 year, cannot be expected to work through all their disputes on their own without any mediation. You might want to be there with them during the playdate and help them problem solve together (they can do it, but they need help!).

If you or the other boy's parent is unable to be in the same room during playtime, then maybe it's best that you put an end to the playdates altogether.

I was in the SAME situation you’re in when my son was at that age playing with our neighbor’s son who was a year older. The first time it happened I explained to him that if he cannot play nicely that he would not be able to play with my son at all. The second time it happened, that was the last time they played. No way in heck was I going to let him play with my son again. My child’s safety comes first. I did speak with the Mom about it with compassion, and she did admit he had been a problem at home too and she completely understood where I was coming from. She said it may be a wake up call for her son if he started to lose his friends. Now they are older and play great together (my son is 4.5 and he’s 5.5) but I think at the time the age and the development stage they were at was the problem. They were so different.

What should you do?

You should (have) marched him back to his house and told his mom what he did and explain it is not acceptable. Simply put, just inform the parents that their kid is too rough, you no longer want to play with him.

That's it. It's your choice to make. Do not feel bad. It is OK to do this. He will not be your sons only friend.

I would not take it upon myself to "grill" another child about if someone is hitting him...especially thru tears! How unsettling for that poor boy to have a strange adult in his face that way....he might have been unnecessarily scared by you! After all, hitting is somewhat age appropriate, kids that age DO NOT share well!

Dear B.:
I think the first thing you need to do is to teach your son that he is not allowed to hit anyone but no one, absolutely NO ONE can hit him! He needs to learn to defend himself! and that he needs to tell you when this happens, that you will defend him and make things right. The second thing you should do is go to the kid's mother and tell her why her child is not allowed to play with yours. That such behavior is not allowed nor accepted in your house. But if you want to give the child another chance after speaking to his mother, then make sure that the play time is supervised. I hope this helps.
I.

Like others have said, I would march the child home and tell his mother exactly what you saw. It sounds like the mother needs a wake-up call that the child is witnessing that kind of hitting and it needs to stop. Sometimes a parent needs to hear that their child is copying their bad behavior before they realize that their own behavior is unacceptable. Of course, you would not say that the child is picking it up from somewhere.

Have you talked to this child's parent(s) about their son's aggression? If you haven't talked to them, then that should be your first step. If you have talked, and it continues, then I would politely tell them that you can no longer have their child over to play. Period. While hitting can be normal at this age, it sounds like your child is bearing the brunt of it. Your child's happiness and safety come first. You may find that when they are older the dynamics will be totally different. I've seen it happen in my neighborhood.

I do daycare (all boys) and I can tell you that a 3.5 year old KNOWS that the hitting is wrong. I have an 18 mo. old that started hitting and his parents and I worked with him and he stopped in just a couple months. The only way I would agree that he doesn't know this is if he is learning (from an adult) that this is how you handle undesired behavior from another. Children at this age pick up on these things very easily. It is very important that you address this situation immediately when it happens. Put him in time out or better yet, send him home AND tell his parents WHY he is being sent home. This will teach him that, at least in your house, there is a consequence for his action. Even if he does this 2 minutes after he gets there, send him home. BE CONSISTENT with this.

Is he normally very talkative with you, yet clammed up when you asked his the question about if he was being hit? If so, I would bring in Child Protective Services. Children learn to behave through the lessons their parents teach them. Children also learn to be aggressive if parents are "disciplining" their child aggressively. I believe in spanking when necessary but there is no excuse for hitting a child in the face. DO NOT be afraid to call CPS. You can remain anonymous and remember you could end up saving a child's life.

My daughter was also aggressive with other kids when she was young. She still has a lot of social issues but now keeps her hands to herself at age 5. The onlly way to deal with it when she was younger was NOT to let her play unsupervised with other kids. I had to be right there so that she could have consequences each time it happened, and to catch it before it happened whenever possible. It's more difficult to handle if the parent is not there because the parent needs to be working on these issues continuously with the child. I would suggest having the parent join you on these playdates, and not having the kids play unsupervised.

What should you do??? Quit allowing the boy to play w/your son. Let him know that he doesn't play nice & is no longer allowed to play w/your son. Explain the same to your son that since the boy isn't nice to him, they can no longer play together. Hope this helps, good luck.

Why are they playing unsupervised? I would tell his mom what happened, but I would also fess up to the fact that you only witnessed the hitting via webcam. If you know a child is aggressive, you should supervise the situation. In a lot of cases, hitting, pushing etc....can be prevented if you know what the triggers are. Maybe your son took a toy away from the kid or maybe your son did not understand a game that the older kid wanted to play and this provoked the behavior. I am not saying the behavior is acceptable by any means but this child needs to be supervised as much as possible and so does your child. If it happens again and you were supervising the situation, maybe the child should be told he cannot play if he is going to hit, push etc and be sent home to his mom.

Some kids go through the horrible awful 3's instead of the horrible 2's....This was the case with our son. Now that my son is 4, his behavior for the most part is a lot better than at 3. Just something to think about.

Good Luck to you.