Mean Kids at the Park

I've seen parents climb up into equipment to keep an eye on their kids and keep bullys at bay.
I've climbed a few towers myself.
Next time climb up there with her.
Sometimes just being right there and asking "Is there a problem?" is enough.

As the parent, I would have walked over and said to the other kids, "excuse me, you need to move so that she (my child) can go down the slide. thank you!". I've had to do this in the past, and when I say it confidently and directly (with a bit of kindness) to the kids they always listen and seemingly want to please.

If I were near a father who laughed at his child's "mean" behavior I might not say anything directly to the father, but I would say whatever I needed to say within earshot of him. I've done this in the past as well, and usually a parent like this steps up to, well parenting. If not, it's not worth it and I explain to my kids that I'm glad he/she doesn't behave in the same manner. My kids are well liked and respected because of it.

The behavior of those kids is perfectly normal. Kids play with rules, with including, excluding. Etc. It's how they learn about the world. This isn't to say it is nice behavior, but I wouldn't call them mean kids. I'd call them kids. I see this stuff all the time, and I remember experiencing this stuff as a child- I'm 42.

The dad was embarrassed and he was trying to shake it off with a common phrase used by many an embarrassed parent.

Something like this happened to me a few months ago. I told my then 5 year old to tell them that they didn't own the equipment and to share. I also told her they weren't being nice but to ignore them. The kids continued, and i then told my daughter to just continue telling them that it isn't theirs. When the kids continued a third time, their mom got involved and she made it stop.

If the kids were close to me - they were in a massive climbing cube- I may have said something directly to the kids. I have in the past. I wouldn't have talk to the dad because I don't discuss things with parents. I treat little people like people, and I dint care if the parent has a problem with this. I probably would have walked over and said, everyone gets to play, let's share now kids. Usually that's enough for the exclusion to end. Or I would have used a passive aggressive method.

I'm the mom who matter of factly goes over and just says 'Oh, looks like you guys have a game going there, and Kiddo (newly seven, so this doesn't happen much) wants to use the slide, so let him through'. They are told-- NOT asked. I don't give them an opportunity to say no. Authoritative, calm voice, don't need to be bossy or put them in their place. I might even say "hey, tell us about your game?" if the kids are friendly. Usually that works fine, and I then check in with Kiddo to see if he wants to deal with the 'game' that they are playing or maybe go play somewhere else for a bit.

Kids do this because they can, you know. Not because they are mean and horrible, but because they can be the boss, for at least a short time, within their own little playground/park fantasy world. While the dad's "shrug" would be pretty lame, I'm at the point in life where I'm not going to give it too much thought. There are always going to be a few jerks at any public place, you know? We have to decide whether we want to just deal with it directly or move on. Life is short. I have made the choice to move on several times and I don't pin it on the jerks, either. It's MY choice to leave if someone at the park is unpleasant enough to want to be away from them. And then we go on to do something else just as fun. Because ANYTHING else presented will be more fun that hanging out where kids aren't being nice to each other.

And when I was a kid--- there were still plenty of mean kids. Even back in the 'olden days', ha ha. ;) I'm trying to teach my kid resilience, so that when we encounter truly mean kids, we don't let it get us down, and just find something else to focus on.

I don't think this is new. Nor is it unusual. That doesn't mean you should ignore it, but I think you are over-reacting to get really worked up about it.

I've seen this many times. A group of kids are playing a particular game on play equipment. In the game, they each have an area "This is my pirate boat, and that is your pirate boat". And they are trying to keep each other off of their pirate boat. Or whatever.

Then along comes a kid who is not playing the game who wants to use the equipment, but the kids are still in game mode and say no, block the way, etc. Is it nice? No, of course not. But it's also not personal against your daughter.

I've seen it many times, with my kids as the ones playing, and also as my kids being the outsiders who just want to go down the slide. Either way, I step in. Obviously if my kids are the ones playing the game, I tell them to apologize and let the other child play on the equipment. But I also talk to other kids when my child is the outsider - "hey, I know you are playing a game, but Jane isn't playing your game. She just wants to slide, and the slide belongs to everyone. Let her through please." I have never had a child say no to me in this situation. And I've also never had a parent be upset with me over a little refereeing at the playground, as long as I am polite.

Be assured: That dad will live to regret his "kids will be kids" attitude if he's like that all the time. I bet his kids are a nightmare at home and fight with each other like crazy. His will be the kids who are always in trouble at school for being little jerks to other kids. The pity is that the children themselves will never realize why they're disliked by everyone else, when it's down to dad's (and maybe mom's) being a twerp.

Praise and praise your daughter for how SHE handled it on her own! Without your intervention, she said and did the right things -- she told the kids that the play structure didn't belong to them, and when they got I her face, she removed herself from the situation -- a good skill that many kids her age still don't have. Walk her through what she did right here and tell her that although it seems like the other kids "won" and she "lost," that's not the way to look at this -- she did the right thing; she defended herself; she also was smart enough to move away from the other kids when it was clear they were ganging up on her (and yeah, aggressive brother plus aggressive sister is ganging up). She may say sadly that "They still got to have it ALL when it isn't theirs," and that's true, but tell her that it's really very sad that they are so unkind and don't know it would be more fun to share. She does know that, and she knows that she should (1) stand up for herself but also (2) not put herself in a place where she could get hit or hurt. She knows you will have her back but she also acted for herself without your intervention -- that's good.

If you are at the park again and see the same kids there, I would not leave just because they're present. Guide her to play on things other than what they're on. If they are hogging one piece of equipment like crazy, she can ask to use it, and if they get nasty again, she should move away; and then, frankly, I would walk up, say firmly to the other kids, "Excuse me but the park is for everyone and you have to share now." I have done just that when my daughter was younger -- after letting her handle it first, and only if the other kids were being first-class jerks.

Remember -- they are hogging things not just to keep your child off them but to keep ALL the other kids off them. Other parents will applaud you (even if it's silently). I have zero issue with telling someone else's children, "Hey, this is everyone's slide/swing/whatever, and it's time to take turns." I would expect another parent to tell my child this if she hogged things! I have never once had some parent steam over and say "Don't discipline my child" -- because the "parents" who are with these badly behaved kids usually aren't paying one bit of attention to their little precious snowflakes anyway.
.

Your daughter started bawling? wow.
Kids have ALWAYS been mean. Always.
"sarah, those kids were mean!! You did a great job sticking up for yourself, I'm proud of you. Wipe your tears and lets go swing."
No need to cry over something so small. She did a great job.
That is not to say that I think the bigger kids weren't being little jerks, they were. But your daughter is either in school or will soon be in school and she is going to run into little jerks in her class and on the playground and you wont be there to protect her. She needs to be confident enough to tell kids to bugger off and keep on playing. She sounds like she's halfway there!
(personally, *I* would have gone over and told my kids to stop being punks if they were doing something like that...but everyone parents differently. Some people are STRONG believers in letting kids figure it out amongst themselves. Right or wrong, I don't know.)
L.

I would have spoken to the kids, nicely. Something like this, "Excuse me - I see you are having a fun game, but the playground belongs to everyone. It's time to let my daughter have a turn on a slide."

Most kids will respond well to this kind of approach - because they know a grown-up has an eye on them. Parents do not usually get angry with this approach either.

If the kids respond rudely to YOU however, odds are that the parents won't be any better and you're better off moving along.

I know some folks will say this is "letting" people push you around, but what are you supposed to do? Punch them? If I get in a yelling match with an a-hole, my day is ruined, but the a-hole is fine. So I opt out.

So speak to the kids, politely but firmly. If the kids are jerks, it's OK to say "That's not nice! C'mon daughter, let's play with some people who know how to share!" and move on. Some people may call this passive-aggressive, but again, what are we supposed to do? And personally, I don't see this as passive-aggressive, but rather, teaching our kids the words to think to help them move on to a new route when the right approach is countered by the wrong people.

From your post, I am assuming your day would be ruined by an argument too. So...this is what works for me. And YES, the kids do usually respond well.

Good luck to you,
e

Well when *I* was a kid, back in the 1970's in mostly rural Iowa, kids WERE mean sometimes, and there were never any parents around to bail us out.
It's great that you let her handle it, but when the other kids didn't listen you should have simply gone over and said to them, excuse me, this is a public park and EVERYONE gets to play.
I (almost) never deal directly with parents in these situations. Usually children respond quite well to other adults reminding them of the rules. You don't even need to be mean about it, you just need to be firm.

I had my kids at Busch Gardens over spring break and my youngest (7) was going down the slide in the kids play area. Another child went to the bottom of the slide just as he was coming out, and punched into the slide. He better be glad he missed my son. I immediately got firm with him and told him to never do that again.

That's when his mom looked up from her phone and asked what happened. She swore he was the nicest kid and would never do that on purpose. Sure, okay. I said well maybe he thought it was someone else, to which she replied he didn't know any other kids there...whatever. Either way, I told him and her it was not okay to act that way.

They got in line a few people behind us for the sky ride, and they had a total of 5 kids. But remember, he didn't know anyone else. Ha!

I have no problem telling kids their behavior is out of line if it is warranted. For your situation, I probably would have told them to step aside and let my kid slide...same as I would have told my kid to share the slide as well.

I would have walked my daughter over to the "mean" kids and told them that they have to give everyone a turn. I would have also stayed near to make sure my DD got to enjoy herself all she wanted.

In the absence of their own parents stepping in and teaching them not to be jerks, I don't give a second thought to doing it myself.

I have done this many times before and will continue to do it.

This is only good up to a certain age, where the kids really do need to learn to stand up for themselves. But at 5? I would have been handling that situation myself.
If dad had a problem with it, he'd be getting an earful from me on the side.

I tried to figure out how old you are after your comment about this being new, no luck. See when I was a kid, I am 46, this happened, when my older kids were young, they are 24 and 26, this happened, and it happened with my younger two. Pretty sure if I asked my dad he would laugh because there weren't playgrounds at parks when he was a kid!

There were times when I made a stand and told the kids to let them through, there were times when I shot dirty looks to the parents and most of the time I just went home because there is always another day.

Just not worth getting upset over.

When I was a kid I just pushed my way through and there were no parents at the playground, we just rode our bikes up there.

With my 3yo, my husband and I use those opportunities (none quite like yours just yet) to show our son how to behave AND to speak up for him. I imagine that I would have guided my daughter right back to where she wanted to slide down and then spoken loud and clear telling her to go ahead and slide (letting the other children know her intentions and mine), maybe guiding her to say, "Excuse me." ("Say, 'Excuse me'.") The kids are on notice. Any observing parents are on notice. Then, if the kids respond poorly to that, I can speak to them directly--"Excuse me, will you let her through their please?"--or the parents can address it. I wouldn't care if the parents didn't want me talking to their kids. Surely, they can't complain about my asking a question, right? It's not an attempt to parent their children. My child likely would not go right back up, though. I'd have him do something else until they were finished owning the place.

Good luck.

Not to say the kids weren't being jerks, they were, but I have to ask what playground this was? If it was the kindergarten playground hen you have every right to speak up. However, as my kids got older I got increasingly frustrated with parents who would bring their little kids on to playgrounds that were designed for older kids and then expect the older kids to watch out for the little ones. The equipment is meant for grade schoolers, not preschoolers.
Don't get me wrong, I told my kids to be careful of the littles if they were around, but it still annoyed me to no end when parents insisted everyone take turns with their 3 yo on a play structure meant for a 9 yo. They would have pitched a fit if my 9 yo was in the toddler/preschooler area, so why is the other way around ok? Big kids are rough, and blunt, and bossy, and that's part of how they learn to navigate socially. What you saw was pretty normal grade school playground behavior. Maybe recognize kids being kids at a stage your daughter has not yet reached and find somewhere else to play.

I usually give my daughter a chance to work things out herself in these situations... But I also keep an eye on the situation and intervene if needed. In this situation, I would have headed on over and (politely, then sternly if needed...) told he other kids that it was NOT their park, and that they needed to share the equipment. If they decided to be little snots to ME, I would have brought their parent into it.

Many flowers to Nervy Girl! I find her approach (telling, not asking tough kids to back off), works very well when children are sharing a pubic space. And she's right, kids are experimenting with power and control more often than deliberately being mean to other chilren. It's helpful not to assume the worst, even though it might be an easy conclusion to reach.

I worked as a tutor at a high school when I was in my early 20's. Even then, though I looked very young, I was able to break up fights that were brewing between high school boys by simply speaking to them in an authoritative, but calm and friendly manner. It's worth trying first.

I know at times my kid has been the cause of a problem and at other times has been the pushed around. I do not catch everything and try to let the kids work things out on their own. I will correct my son though if he/his friends are hogging equipment, treating someone badly, etc Everyone's expectations are different at playgrounds so it can be a bit dicey sometimes. There can be "underparenting" but there can also be "overparenting" and today there are so many different ways to parent. We where not there so it is hard to know both sides of what happened. If a group of older kids where already playing a game in a certain area, I might in return suggest to my child to go play in another area.

Kids are mean - they haven't developed social skills yet. But that's what parents are supposed to do. That dad was wrong to not have corrected his kids. I would have said something to him had it been me. I would have said something like "parents are supposed to teach their kids manners and how to be nice - your kids need that."

It's rough but it's a learning experience for your child. how wonderful that she could come to you and have your arms to wrap around her and your ear to listen to her.

As a bullying-prevention specialist for 10 years, I recommend first that you work straight with the kids. Children that age are rarely just "being mean." They are often reflecting things they've seen and experienced, and their brains are literally not in "thinking mode" when they act meanly. But that doesn't mean their behavior is okay. In my parenting program (Bully-Proof Kids, Flourishing Families), I teach parents how to intervene safely and effectively without traumatizing any of the kids further. As you were watching what happened with the kids, I would walk up to them and say, kindly but firmly, "I see you are playing here but I can't let you exclude her. Please let her go down the slide." You want to reflect kindness with your limit for several reasons - 1. they probably aren't getting it at home (obviously with the inconsistency of needed boundary setting shown by the "attending" parent), and 2. when you set kind limits, you are keeping yourself safe (not triggering as much for the other parent) and also modeling for that other parent appropriate limit setting. When you show outrage at a child's behavior, it tends to make the behavior worse, because it deepens the disconnection in their brain and actually has them LESS able to think clearly, and it almost always triggers the other parent (which could have YOU unsafe!).

As for talking with your daughter about the episode, I STRONGLY caution you not to villify the other kids. Instead, hear her feelings and reflect back to her that you see her and you are there for her, that she is safe with you ("I see you wanted to go down that slide, huh? You can stay here with me" try to keep your reflection about the action or thing she wanted rather than labeling her feelings). Then, when your child is calmer, engage in a curious conversation. "wow - I wonder why they did that? They must be upset about something." If you say that they are mean kids, you're basically reinforcing her fear and her victim status. If you reflect back that something must be wrong for them to be acting that way, she learns that 1. she's not wrong and 2. people are basically good, and when they do bad things, it's usually because they are not thinking and 3. when she makes a mistake, you're not going to say bad things about her, but you're going to wonder why she did that and have faith in her.

Hope this helps. A. M.

Why didn't you say something to the dad? I would have. I'll even reprimand children if their parents aren't doing it.

I give you a lot of credit for giving your daughter a chance to handle it herself...as so many have already said, she will run into this kind of behavior often in life and you won't be there most of the time to help. That said, we live in a big city and our parks are always crowded. Depending on how much older the kids are, how mean they are being, and how badly my kid wants to use something, I have said something to the kids as politely as I can (Excuse me, would you mind moving over so my little guy can use the slide?) usually they are freaked out by the adult factor and comply. I don't bother with parents (who are often not paying attention anyway) but a lot of times they do step up when they realize that they have bad park etiquette. To the people who said you should toughen up your kid, I think that going to the older kids and getting them to move so your daughter can use the slide shows her exactly who to stand up for herself. Kids learn by example!

Sorry dear, but I'm over 50 and yes, kids have always been mean. You apparently were fortunate not to run into it, at least that you remember, but kids have always been mean. Adults need to teach and model empathy and compassion - those are learned traits. I am pretty sure I would have ripped daddy a new one right in front of his kids and then walked away laughing at him. Bet the kids wouldn't be laughing then!

Ugh! Jerks! Sometimes I am a big fan of being passive-aggressive. I would have loudly told my daughter (where both the kids AND the dad could hear) and said something like "I'm so sorry you had to deal with such rude, mean kids, sweetie. Sometimes you're just going to run into people like that. They've just never been taught any better and don't know that they're acting like jerks. I sure do hope that YOU never behave that way. It's a GREAT way to lose friends!" And then I would have pointedly looked at the dad so he *clearly* understood I was talking about him and his kids and then I would have taken my child and left. And I'd hope that dad was squirming with embarrassment.

At home I'd talk to my child about things she could do if it happened again or ways she could cope. Because the reality is, kids have to learn to deal with playground meanies, just like they'll someday meet jerks in school, and then a$$holes at work or in the PTA.

Not saying a passive-aggressive approach is the right or noble way to deal with something like this, but it sure would feel good being temporarily bathed in all that self-righteousness.

You could have and should have walked over and talked to the father, and then I would have walked my child up the tower and stood there while she played to her hearts content. You need to stand up for her or she will never learn to stand up for herself.

I think it is our responsibility to teach our kids how to stand up for themselves but the same time teaching them wrong from right. You have too because no one else will! We have to teach them to protect themselves but the same time teach them to respect other people and show respect. It is sad that the dad said "kids will be kids". If that was my son treating another child that way, I would be up there in a heartbeat telling him that is not the way to talk to other people. And if my child were the one getting picked on, you bet I would stick up for them the first few times to show them how to stand up for themselves and then after a few times you have to sit back and see how your teachings affect your children. Good luck!

You need to teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Next time some kid says the slide belongs to him, she should just push past him and go down it.