MIL Is Crazy.

MIL needs to understand the difference between spoiling a grandchild, and disrespecting parents.

All three need to be on the phone/in the room - you, husband and MIL.

Oh I would be LIVID!!! My MIL took my niece (15 years old) and got her a big tattoo with no permission. She's lucky it was not my daughter!

It blows my mind that anyone would have the audacity to allow a 14 yr old to get a piercing without consulting her parents first. MIL clearly has no respect for you or her own son. That would be the last time my kids were unsupervised with her for a VERY long time. Dad really should handle this since it is his mom. As for the piercing I would leave it, just because it will leave a nasty scar now if taken out. I would let dd know that is the only reason she is keeping it.

I would be furious. And so would my husband.
It doesn't matter HOW it transpired....whether daughter brought up the idea to MIL or whether she lied to MIL about what was allowed, or what. Really, it doesn't matter. There is no way that your MIL should have been signing off on her grand-daughter's piercing or body art or anything else without specific approval FROM YOU. If she didn't have that (no matter who's idea any of it was) then she should not have done it, signed off on it, okay'd it.. nothing. It isn't her place. Period. This isn't buying a piece of jewelry or clothing. This is not face paint. Perfume. Makeup, etc. It is a PIERCING and it does NOT fall under a grandparent's purview.

And THEN, there is the daughter. She KNEW she did not have permission for this, and it doesn't matter a whit that MIL said "oh ok, I'll sign off". Make her take it out (and I'd confiscate the piece itself so she can't slip it back in when you aren't looking), and punish her for the disrespect she showed to you and her dad.

I would be HOT.

Shame on your husband for not taking your side on this. As far as anyone else is concerned, not their business.

If you allow her to keep it in, she gets what she wants and has no consequence other than making you mad for what she has done. I'm sure she is thrilled that it only "cost" her a little bit of time at home to be able to get this piercing. Your husband is enabling this kind of behavior and should be ashamed of himself. You should take this ring and throw it out.

I woud no longer allow your children to go with MIL to NYC. Take the girls yourself. Your MIL WAY overstepped her bounds. It doesn't matter in my eyes if your daughter lied to her about this - she CHOSE not to call and ask you if it was okay, so she WANTED to be a hero or cool in front of your daughter and allowed this. She is JUST as culpable as your daughter is. And she needs to learn the lesson that she cannot go over your head like this.

Dawn

I'd be pissed at both your daughter and mother in law.
Your mother in law NEVER should have given permission for a piercing without discussing it with you. Your daughter KNOWS your stance on the belly button thing. She had to know fully well that you would not be happy when she came home with it.
I'm sure she is hoping two things:
1) Your mother in law will take most of the heat and your anger at her will take the focus off your daughter's part in it
2) She will get to have her way and keep the piercing anyway

I would definitely make her take out the piercing. No 14 year old girl needs something in her belly button. That's just my opinion, but especially since she went behind your back, the piercing would go. You can't let her think that once something's done, it's just done, so might as well leave it. No way. God knows what she'd go behind your back to do next.

I would ask your mother in law what the heck she was thinking. Your daughter had been told repeatedly that she could not have a belly button piercing and that's one of those things a grandmother can't just make a unilateral decision on. I would definitely let her know that you are upset.
She's an adult, and she should know better. Just because a kid wants something, there are certain things that you just don't do, no matter how much they beg.

You were disrespected by both of them, but ultimately, your daughter found a way to get what she wanted by going around you. That is what I would be most angry about.

I knew a 16 year old girl who got her belly button pierced and it got so infected she had to go to the doctor to have it removed because it was so swollen and inflamed it hurt too bad to even touch it let alone get it out. She learned that she could live without a belly button piercing the hard way.

All I can say is that I'd be furious. Since it's your daughter that has to live with you, I'd make dang sure SHE understands the consequences of going behind your back.

Good luck.

is he KIDDING!??! your husband is being a giant P***Y and doesn't want to upset mommy. which is probably why she got the idea she had a right to do that in the first place. IT COMES OUT. period.

i have no clue how to handle MIL because that should have been your husband's job to make sure mom knew that you and the kids come first now, and apparently he has never done that with her so i am just really sorry because there's no real good way to handle this - without you looking like the B****. but i would be way looking like the B**** on this one. depending on how "in on it" grandma was or admits to, i might limit or end the trips for awhile. but i would probably give grandma an earful regardless.

abso-friggen-lutely ridiculous. i'd be through the roof. and your husband's reaction would just have put me over the edge. holy cow.

and i agree with those who said it doesn't matter how it happened. grandma should not be taking a 14 year old's word about something like this without a quick call to her parents just to verify. grandma was out of line no matter how it went down.

I would be livid if it was my daughter. There would be no more unsupervised visits with MIL, especially if she knew your daughter wasn't allowed a belly button piercing. And even if she didn't, she should not be doing something permanent to your child without your permission.

And the ring would be removed. There's no reason to let your daughter get away with this behavior, which she would if she got to keep it, even with 2 weeks grounding.

I have to echo most of the others on this. She needs to take the piercing out. Regardless of whether grandma knew or not, your daughter knew she wasn't allowed to get it pierced and did it anyway. If she keeps it in, she gets what she wants- and she will remember that she is boss. What if it is a tattoo next time? Its not like you can remove that easily. Teach her that you are the parent and you make the rules. Set a precedent.
As for your MIL, you absolutely have to talk to her! Again, regardless of whether she knew that you had already said no, she needs to know that she is not the parent. She cannot make decisions like that for your children. I would be livid if my MIL did this- which I could very easily see her doing. I would have no problem putting her in her place.

I would make her remove the piercing. She can always have it redone in the future when she eiher has permission or is old enough to give her consent. I would also talk with MIL. Let her know that you previously decided she was not to have it done and they both (even if she wasn't aware) disregarded your wishes.

Did your MIL know that you had refused to let her get her belly button pierced? It may be a case of your daughter "playing" her to get what she wanted. I'd probably make her take the piercing out as well as other consequences for not following the rules. You had conceded and let her pierce other parts which seemed to be a good compromise at the time for her and seems very fair to me.

Ditto Dawn and Shane B.

Why walk on eggshells with MIL?
Did MIL know that a belly button piercing was against your rules?
If not, then she SHOULD have, called you and asked permission of you and your Husband first, before making herself the decision maker regarding your daughter. That is a parental decision. Not anyone else, grandmother or not.

Too bad, Husband is too weak to talk to his Mom and is letting it go.
Gee, what if the situation was more grave than a belly button piercing and something that his Mom did, per your daughter? Then what?
This will create a precedent, for what your MIL/his Mom, feels she can do or not, with her granddaughter.

I would not, let her take your kids on trips, anymore.

Meanwhile your daughter got what she wanted. Sure she is grounded. But she still has the belly button piercing. She will remember, that. AND your daughter... will remember, that her parents are too "afraid" or weak, to tell off her Grandmother and that Grandmother, holds the cards.

*You need to SHOW, your Husband, all of these responses.
Otherwise, your Husband "may" make you out to be the "bad guy" and a nag or worse.... In his Mommy's eyes. ie: the Grandma.

And well, your daughter "let" herself, get a belly button piercing, despite KNOWING she was not allowed to. Using the excuse that Grandma, let her. Thereby, she is making Grandma, higher on the totem pole, than you.
So, I think your daughter, needs to be really reprimanded.

Did your MIL know you didn't want your daughter getting it pierced? If so, then I would be having a talk with her about going against what you said....If she didn't know, then it wasn't her fault..
Either way, your daughter knew she wasn't aloud, so I would have her remove it~

Ever hear the phrase

'Easier to beg pardon than gain permission?'

Your daughter is conducting a typical teen experiment. If she does it anyway, will she get to keep it AND MAYBE (depending on whether gramma knew), do other peoples permission trump my parents?

I can tell you the end result of MY experiment with my parents was that I kept them out of the loop and just asked forgiveness. Oldest kid. By the time my sibs started doing the same stints my parents altered their gameplan.

"Take it out, or if you feel that strongly about it grounding + ________ for 3 months. Your choice." would be their response. TOTAL grounding. No sports, friends, vacations, birthdays, etc.

In the INEVITABLE 'Its not FAIR!!' teen fallback of choice, they'd nod and agree. It WASN'T fair that someone they trusted went behind their backs, or tricked someone who loved them into doing the wrong thing, or chose to listen to Suzy Derkins parents instead of their own... but my parents still loved them anyway.

It's not fair was rarely heard in my mums house.

My son's still 9... And I'll have to figure out something differe t doing the divorced thing... But the way my parents changed their gameplan worked really well for them.

I have a feeling that she told MIL that you had said it was fine, but you just hadn't gotten it done yet.........

Have you asked MIL (in a non-confrontational way) how this transpired? Who's idea was it?

Frankly, if your daughter lied, and talked MIL into doing it, I would make her take it out as punishment. You did not allow it, and supposedly your daughter was ok with it... I think she may have been biding her time until she could figure out how to get it done.

I think your daughter should have to remove it!! She manipulated the situation for sure.

I'm pretty sure I'd be pretty pissed and take her to have it removed just to prove that point. If you let her keep it.... well.... she will do something again. Hopefully it stings upon removal.
Piercings are something that should be discussed with parents. Grandma made a BIG booboo on that one, BUT your daughter is 14 and should be the one that's punished.
Please take it out and tell her she can have it done when she's18 or whenever.you decide its appropriate.
Tell Grandma "Wow, I cant believe you let her get that piercing, we had it removed, please talk to me about "permanent" changes to the kids in the future." "And by the way it cost X to get it removed.... would you like to pay for it?"

The ring needs to go! She went behind your back and did it anyways and I think a 14yr old with a belly ring sends the wrong message to the rest of the world. As far as you MIL goes, you need to sit her down and explain to her that while her intentions were good, your daughter already knew your feelings about the belly rings. And next time she needs to check with you first before putting extra holes or extreme changes with your children.

S.

Of course you have to make her remove the ring. Keeping it is a strong sign to her that she can do what she wants.
As far as the responsibility of MIL it really depends on how it went down. I would be surprised if there was not a conversation prior about how you and your husband would feel (if there wasn't then you're right MIL IS crazy). What did your daughter tell her? Did she lie and say you were fine with it? Was she honest and MIL encouraged her to go against your wishes?
The answers to these questions would dictate the punishment and whether or not I would let her continue to have a relationship with her Grandmother. Honestly, it would be a very big deal in our house. I cannot imagine a Grandma who would take a 14 year old to get her belly button pierced!

I'd have a big problem with a teen of mine pulling an end run around me like this.
Talk it over with MIL to get her side of it.
She might have been duped into it.
If MIL was a willing accomplice, cut way back on contact with her.
I'd be tempted to take the teen to a doctor to aid the piercings (belly button and cartilage) to close up and heal up..
2 weeks might barely be enough for me to cool down over it and it would take her a lot longer than that to patch up the breech of trust with me.
She's going to have to work hard to earn her privileges.
And what is your husband thinking?
Gee, what else is your husband willing to let slide?
Parents need to have a united front on these things.
Maybe you and he need a weekend away alone together to get on the same page.

I'm all for piercings, but a belly button on a 14 year old girl is super trashy, and MORE IMPORTANTLY blatantly against what she knew was allowed.

This awful behavior on the part of your MIL and daughter cannot be rewarded by letting her keep it. Your daughter is WELL old enough to understand that was not OK. If that was my daughter, out it would go AND tough consequences. Maybe even losing the other piercing as well because she abused your generosity.

There is a lot more to see in NY besides the inside of a piercing studio.

Did your MIL know you wouldn't allow that? Maybe your daughter told her you said it was ok. I guess your MIL still should have asked you but maybe she was just caught up in the fun of NYC and didn't think it was a big deal.
And yes, if it's already in there leave it alone (for now) because I think if she removes it right away it could get infected (call a piercing place to confirm, I'm no expert!)

First of all, I think it may have been overly hasty to punish your daughter for the mistakes of your mother-in-law. Yes, your daughter knows you didn't want her to get her belly button pierced. But she is a child (a teen, but a child still) and your MIL is an adult. The anger you are likely feeling and, to a a degree, taking out on your child...should rightfully go towards your MIL She's the one who showed poor judgement and put the three of you (you, your husband, your child) in this situation. This is how I would handle:

1) Don't ground your daughter but definitely do not let her keep the ring and just let the piercing close up naturally
2) Let your daughter know you are REALLY disappointed in her grandmother for having such poor judgement and while you don't blame her for going along with her grandmother (since grandma is supposed to be the supervising adult here), you wished she'd have used her common sense and perhaps checked in with you and her father first.
3) MIL needs to be confronted immediately....in a calm but firm voice. I'd try something like, "Letting our daughter get a belly button ring without at least checking with us first is totally unacceptable. Not only have you now placed us in a difficult situation, you've also placed your granddaughter in one...because we are not allowing her to maintain the piercing and this is sure to make her feel worse. We are very concerned about letting our daughter have unsupervised time with you going forward and I think we're going to need to think long and hard the next time an opportunity to visit comes up." I would also request that the grandmother apologize not only to you guys but to your daughter for showing such crappy judgement.

First, that was wrong of your daughter on soooo many levels it's not even funny.

Second, take it out.

Piercing studios are generally not allowed to pierce children under the age of 16, and even if they are 16, it has to be with parental consent and a valid state ID. Deviating from this can get a place fined, jailed, or shut down completely.

If she got it done at a place like say, Claire's or Piercing Pagoda, it's not exactly safe. Those piercing guns get used over and over again, and just swabbed with an alcohol wipe. Not cleaned to medical specifications using an autoclave.

I could go on and on about what places like that do to the skin, and the issues they cause, but I'll stop. But have her take it out now, not only as discipline, but as a health precaution. If later in life she still wants one, have her go to a certified, sterile, professional piercer or dermatologist.

Also, make her pay Gramma back the money it cost to get that put in.

Well, I would call MIL and ask her if she knew you and dad had told daughter no. She may have been told you said it was okay.

DD is 14 and supposedly an honest child who would not do anything behind mom and dads back. I think if DD told grandma you had said it was okay then MIL is not in the dog house.

Since your daughter has other piercings she may have asked grandma if she could have one more and grandma thought it would be okay since she had the others.

If you gave your DD money to spend she may have done it on her own too. Grandma may be innocent of this. That's why I would call grandma and ask her.

Your post makes it sound like grandma deliberately went behind your back, fully knowing you had said no, and did it anyway. She may be innocent of everything except not calling to verify what your DD told her.

Maybe grandma made assumptions too but why was your DD at a place to get piercings if she did not bring up the subject and ask for it in the first place. Did grandma suddenly say "Hey, we're in NY, let's go get you a body piercing"? I think there is more to this than grandma got my daughter a body piercing.

At the age of 14 I think DD is totally at fault for this and not MIL, mostly...unless she blatantly talked her into it...at 14 she IS old enough to say "No thanks Grandma, mom and dad said no and I don't want to get grounded".

I would take it out because if you don't you are letting her win her way after being told no. She thought when she got home you'd just say "Oh well, I guess we'll have to live with it". She thinks she is going to get to keep it and it will be worth it even if she is grounded for 2 weeks.

As for hubby? I think he doesn't have strong feelings one way or the other as far as piercings go. Was he for her getting it done to begin with? Did he oppose it as strongly as you did? I would think his attitude about it comes from his not really minding if she has piercings or not. Maybe, I don't know him so only you and he can decide that but he seems more at ease with the piercing to start with.

It would have been removed BEFORE she even made it to her bedroom!! 2 weeks grounding? No, that's not even a slap on the wrist. It would be the grounding, plus the thing gets removed. End of Story.

What's her incentive to NOT do something you don't like in the future?? 2 weeks grounding - not much of a deterrent. I'd also make her take the cost of the piercing and donate it to a charity. She's only 14... if you let her get away w/ such a direct disregard for your and your husband's wishes/parenting decisions NOW can you even imaging what she's going to be doing at 16,17 and 18? YIKES. Don't think it won't get worse.. b/c it will... just look through some of the questions and answers on this board re: disrespectful teenagers.

Re: your MIL - I think that's easy enough. You tell her that you and your husband have previously told your daughter NO Belly piercing (who knows, maybe your daughter told her you two were Ok with it? As she already has one piercing - that would be believable) and that you're not sure if she was aware of that.

Let her answer direct the next part of the conversation - if she is surprised by that - have your daughter apologize to her for misleading her AND re-pay her for the cost (via her own $).

If she isn't surprised that you had previously said no, then you now know that you can not trust your MIL and act accordingly in the future. Tell her simply and with out emotion that what she did was wrong and that it is your & your husband's role to allow or not allow things of this magnitude to occur with your children. The next time she asks to take your daughters somewhere you either go with them - or tell her no. Simple as that. Good luck!

My daughter had her belly button pierced at 14. I don't find it distasteful at all. It was funny that she asked for it because nothing she wears other than a bikini, would even expose her belly button. Anyway she was bored with it in six months.

I would say let it be. Allowing her to have it will also change it from being a point of rebellion to her choice. That is usually enough to make them bored with it.

I doubt your mother in law realized you had already said no.

This is so wrong. Shame on MIL!!! Its not like she couldn't call you and make sure it was okay. Also I don't blame you for grounding your daughter. And, I think it should be taken out. She obviously manipulated MIL and to let her keep it in is just encouragement of this kind of thing. I see some people think 14 is mature enough for a belly button piercing but in my opinion it seems kind of sexy. I think its okay for a 14 year old to be fashionable but not try to look sexy.

I think it depends on who was the devious one... Did MIL know that you had already said no (in which case she went behind your back in encouraging your daughter to break a rule) or was she the one who was manipulated (in which case, she still should have known enough to get parent approval)?

I say choose your battles wisely! You have a teenage daughter and if this day and age your biggest problem with her so far is her getting her belly pierced then your daughter is a saint. I think you handled it well and I would talk to her about it and explain to her why again that you did not want her to get it pierced in the first place and let her know that although it is there that you are very disappointed in her and it will take time for her to build trust with you again since she went behind your back. As for the MIL there's not much you can say except just that she made a poor choice and if she shows no respect for the incident then trips to NYC in future will not be happening if she allows such behavior from your daughter. Has your MIL done things like this in the past?

If you are going to let your daughter keep it he needs to kno how to properly take care of it. Navel piercing can easily be irritated and become infected because of clothing rubbing up against it and the like. http://www.safepiercing.org/piercing/body-aftercare/

You need to talk to MIL as she may not have known you said "no" already. You should probably find out the name of the place they hadit done nd call not only to let them know this happened but I would ask some questions about the safety measures they use (http://www.safepiercing.org/piercing/choosing-a-piercer/) to be sure it was as least done in the safest manner possible.

In talking with you MIL I would explain the health and safety risks as one of the factors that this is not something you do without first checking a place out. It's not the same as getting a piercing at the mall. Whoever mentioned the piercing guns earlier should know that they aren't very hygienic but body piercings aren't performed using a gun.

Good luck.

Wow, on so many levels. Ring out and then you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about getting on the same page when it comes to how you are going to parent. He also needs to stand up to his parents. My husband never stands up to his parents until I insisted he do so when it would affect our girls. Then as a united front you need to talk with you MIL-regardless if your daughter manipulated her or not she should have called you first to confirm if you were okay with it. If my MIL ever went behind my back on anything with the kids I wouldn't let her be around them unsupervised. Depending on how all this played out NYC trips with Granny are coming to an end.

Someone said something about the shop that would allow a grandmother to consent to the piercing when the law says otherwise. Definitely get the name of the shop and call them to let them know what happened. IF your daughter gets an infection or the hole doesn't close properly the shop should be held liable.

Stick to your guns with the grounding and removal of the ring. And please let us know how it turned out with everyone!

I must side with the moms said, that probably (hopefully) your MIL did not know you had already said no to your daughter.

Your daughter lied to grandmother about the piercing.
I just cannot imagine, even my flaky MIL allowing this. Now IF our daughter had told her, I was ok with it. MIL would believe it, because our daughter does not lie about such things..

So maybe this is the case.

Find out first. Then calmly explain what the deal is. Daughter knew you all did not approve of this and so you have had her remove it. Also your daughter owes grandmother an apology if she lied.

On the other hand IF grandmother did know this was not approved by you and your husband. Still let her know, you are having daughter remove it, because you and hubby do not think it is appropriate and in the future, to please run these things by you first, in case there is a conflict.

Grandmother graciously took these girls to NY and I just cannot imagine she was trying to piss you off..

So take a deep breath and realize the person you are the most angry and disappointed in, is your daughter.

First I can't believe grandma would allow something like that without contacting you.
Hubby needs to have your daughter remove it, or do so himself and lay into his mother for allowing such a thing. YOur daughter alerady knows how you feel.

Then I would contact the place she got it and ask why in the hell they allowed a child without written permission from a PARENT to get her belly button pierced.

About her punishment, she lied to Grandma or Grandma thought it was a good idea, whatever, your daughter should lose all forms of fun this summer, all electronics should be gone, no phone, computer, iPod. Hire a babysitter or have her attend your or your husband's work with a book.
Letting her get away with something like this is teaching her that she can do whatever and the punishment won't be that severe.
Next year she does not get to go with Grandma, that punishes them both but Grandma abused your trust.
When daughter is 18 she can do what she wants but not before

I'm so sorry, but if you do not act now what will you do when she starts to really rebel?