Miscarraige...need Advice...

Hi Jen,

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. The same thing happened to me last May. I can tell you it will get better, but I still feel very sad when it comes to mind. We had also told everyone we were pregnant. You know, unless someone brings it up, don't worry about telling others. That's the last thing you need to be concerned with right now.

Rather than being embarrased, you will find comfort from learning how very many women who have suffered this loss.

I'm going through the same thing as you and the only advice I can give you is to allow yourself to grieve. give yourself permission to be as sad as you are - there is nothing wrong with it. Just like you would give your best friend sympathy for her loss, give yourself the same accommodations. ANYONE you told that you were pregnant will understand a quick line "It's extremely sad, but I've lost the pregnancy and am taking time to heal" Some people may say really stupid things like "everything happens for a reason" so just be prepared to ignore them.
You are going to be sad, but eventually will be okay I promise. Give yourself time to grieve this loss and you will be surpised how quickly you'll be able to eat, sleep, shower and take care of your daily duties again. Allow people to help you this week. Your 4 year old knows something is going on, just be very selective with what you say - my 3 year old knows that "mommy isn't feeling well" that my belly hurts and that mommy is a little sick right now - but that's it. She knows she gets a bellyache sometimes so understands and is entertaining herself while I rest.
Lastly, know that miscarriages can be VERY painful. Get yourself some 600mg motrin and be prepared to bleed for 2-4 weeks (I'm on my 3rd week of bleeding now), sometimes pretty heavy and you'll even see clots and tissue - be prepared and remember, you will be okay.
You're hormones are also in flux - so in addition to your understandable sadness, you have an added level of moodiness so don't make any rash decisions during this time - no threats of divorce, no decisions to get your tubes tied, no shaving off your hair ;-)
Big Hugs to you Jen.....

I know the loss you are feeling, even when you lose an unplanned pregnancy it still shakes your body to the core. Right now you are still feeling a lot of hormonal effects which will magnify the sadness, loss and other feelings you are having.

What helped me is I got a special charm bracelet that had an angel on it which represent the baby lost, a special charm that represented my daughter who is still with me, a charm for my husband and a charm for myself. That really helped my mindset because then I felt like I was honoring the baby that was lost as well as the rest of my family.

It is ok to feel sad and cry for the lost BUT do try to continue in your life. For now you may just have to focus on doing whatever with your son (even if it feels forced). Sooner or later life will be easier again, and it will greatly help once the hormone levels return to "normal."

As for telling people you do not need to hunt them down and tell them now, of course if someone asks just say that you lost the baby or had a miscarriage. Everyone will be understanding, they may ask how you feel (which for me was the most aggravating part because how do you think I feel) so I usually answered "in time I will feel better, trying to focus back on my family now." This is why I did not hunt people down to tell them until I felt healed (about a month or so later), then I felt able to deal with it. Closer friends and family really helped in supporting me through prayer and physical help which was wonderful.

Your story just tore at my heart. What a little blessing your son is. And I think some day he will be very proud to be reminded what a god send he was to you that day. And I do mean reminded because he probably won't remember much.

I don't have any words of wisdom to help you thru this sadness nor any idea when it will "end". Other than to grieve as you would for anyone you loved and lost. To help others find a way to say how sorry they are...And you will have to help them as best you can because they won't know what to say. They might even wonder if they should approach your with their condolences at all.

Jen,
I am so sorry for your loss! I had a miscarriage a little over a year ago and it is devastating. I don't really have much advice for you except to let yourself grieve. It is a sad time and it is tough to have to tell people but they will understand. I had made a scrapbook for my first child and had started one for the baby I lost and I found that writing down the experience and the sadness and keeping that scrapbook helped. I put everyone's sympathy notes in there and the utrasound pictures from the baby I lost. I had a friend who chose to plant something in honor of the baby she lost and that plant blooms every year on the day the baby was due.
I think doing something to honor/remember the baby helps and also focusing on your son is helpful as well. This is a good way of teaching him about death and how to cope with it. We told my daughter that she wasn't going to be a big sister now like we had thought and that the baby had to go back to Heaven and that it was okay to be sad but we were all going to be okay and we'd eventually feel better.
Hope this helps a bit.
Take care!

Hi Jen,
I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I don't have any real advice except to let yourself grieve as long as you need to, and don't be too hard on yourself. I also told my family and some close friends before I miscarried. I was shocked at how supportive they were, and how many of them have their own experience with miscarriage. Just take your time to get through this and lean on people that love you. It's going to be rough going for a while, but know that it's normal to feel how you do and in time, it will get better- even if it seems bleak right now.

Jen,

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I too experienced a miscarriage after my first child was born. We weren't sure what was going on, the progesterone was low but my numbers were still going up and the heartbeat was still relatively strong. Give yourself time to heal and grieve. It does not happen overnight. Surround yourself with things that make you happy. If you love flowers then find an indoor garden to walk through in a greenhouse or have your husband send your flowers once a week for a while. Try and get as much natural sunlight on you as possible. It helps with serotonin levels during these last dark days of winter.

Medha is right, get yourself either Motrin or Advil for the pain. That stuff really works. If you are still in a lot of pain call your doctor and ask why, could there be something else wrong like a cyst on your ovary etc. (this just happened to a friend of mine and it was missed for a while).

Give your little guy some extra big hugs while you are going through this. Touch is very important and helps to heal too.

Jen,
I'm so very sorry. I, too, know this loss. I had three miscarriages before I had my son. It is a very tough thing to go through.
I was amazed at how many women supported me with similar experiences, as miscarriage is very very common and touches a lot of lives. It's just not something most people bring up until something similar happens to a friend. The passing of time will help. Grieve your baby and feel the emotions you have. It will be healing for you.

People may not know what to say, and O. thing I heard a lot, which did not comfort me at all, was "it's for the best...nature's way...something wrong with the baby..." I couldn't accept that. I felt that my husband & I would love the baby REGARDLESS of his/her perfection.

O. day, my brother had some wise words for me on that particular topic. He offered that maybe I (or we) couldn't have handled what was wrong with that particular baby...physically...emotionally....etc. I had not looked at it in that way before but I do believe that God gives us what we CAN handle. Trust in God that you will get through this. God has a plan for us and this was part of your plan. We can't always, in the here and now, comprehend why something like this happens. You are not alone.
Maybe your husband or parents can take care of letting people know what happened? I was in the same position, as we had told people right away, too. People will be amazingly supportive. Reach out to your mom, your friends, if you need to talk/cry.
Sending a (((hug))) and wishing you healing.

Jen,
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child to miscarriage is incredibly painful and difficult to get over. Only time and the love and support of your family and friends will help you get through this. Don't feel stupid for telling everyone. Turn to those you love and who love you in your time of need. It will be uncomfortable and a little awkward having to tell some people when they ask but good or bad, news like this travels fast and you hopefully won't be asked about it very much.
My experience was from the opposite side of things.
I miscarried with my first child and found out when I went have the CVS test at 11 weeks. The sonographer kept asking me if I was sure of how far along I was. Finally she said she was sorry but she could not find the baby and that there was no heartbeat. I had miscarried and my body was reabsorbing the fetus. We had not told anyone, not even our family, about the pregnancy. We wanted to hold fast to the 1st trimester rule. I felt such pain and loneliness that I had not told anyone and did not have anyone to turn to for comfort other than my husband. It added to my pain to have to begin a conversation with my closest friends that I was pregnant but had lost the baby.
Thinking of you, S.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is not an easy one to deal with, I have been thru it 4 times now, twice before my son and twice after my son. It never gets any easier, In my case I just tell myself I will get the child I am meant to get because afterall, I got my wonderful son, without him I don't think I could keep going thru the miscarriages.

Everyone deals in their own way so all I can say is just greive and take your time recovering from this and remind yourself you have your wonderful son and he will get you thru this hard time, give extra hugs and kisses cause he needs them too, he knows your hurting.

Hi Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have found that it is very difficult for most people to know what to say when they hear about a miscarriage. If you want to talk to loved ones about your loss, sometimes you have to overlook what they say and just realize that they care about you even though what they say isn't helping!

I have had 5 miscarriages and with each one, it was always a sad, sad experience. I guess that's because each one of our lives is important.

I found that naming the babies helped me. Also, reading in the Bible about what God has to say about the unborn is very comforting to me. (Psalm 139; Job 3; Isaiah 49:15-16)

God Bless,
A.

J., I just wanted to respond because I had a miscarriage (my second though WAY more traumatic) over Christmas. I was devastated. I was shocked at how depressed I became. I couldn't think about anything else and I cried all the time. I couldn't talk about it, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I became so depressed it was affecting my life and I went to see a counselor. It was even too painful for me to focus on it during counseling. Days went by very slowly, but very little by little, I began to feel better each day. Today I had to inform yet someone else about it. I was a little sad. but miles better than I was in January.

It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, but it will get better. One thing I learned was that people expect you to be over it and so you might put pressure on yourself. Allow yourself to feel sad--it's totally sad! Allow yourself to grieve and screw everyone else. It will be better eventually and you will enjoy the little things in life again.

J...I feel your pain. I have had several and ended up adoption. My best advise is time heals but it does take time. I used to get things like "It was for the best..you can have more" GRRRRR never tell anyone that. I used to get "Nature takes care of its own" Also another one we DO NOT want to hear. It may be true but we don't want to hear that. For others seeing this the best thing you can do to help is be there and let her tell you how she feels. For those who don't know what to say to you...here is what you say. "I am so sorry for the loss of your baby" That's it...don't try to make us feel better because it won't. Time will hear your emotional scares but for now...I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I have been there many times and ended up adopting. Our adopted son grew up and started his own adoption agency. American Adoptions. I always remember the ones we lost but now in a different way. I think of them as my little angels waiting for me in heaven. Feel better. S. M.

First of all - you are NOT stupid. You were excited and wanted others to know why so they could be excited with you. When people ask you about your baby, and you tell them what happened, don't worry about how it makes you feel b/c at that point, they aren't feeling much better. It is always going to be an awkward moment. For others who have experienced similar situations, the feelings were probably very much the same. For ways to deal with the sadness and getting through all of this - look around your area. There are support groups that are specific to this. I was in nursing school, and was required to attend 3 different support groups for a psych rotation. I attended a loss of a child group that was in Falls Church. The couples there had either lost a fetus, a newborn, or a child. It was something I will never forget, but I believe that all the couples there were extremely supportive of eachother and they go back every week b/c I believe they feel that it helps. I think couples in your situation feel that when they talk to other people who have never experienced this before, those people don't want you to talk about it or it makes them uncomfortable. If you don't have a friend that will let you talk, scream, cry, or whatever it takes to help you through this - I think you and your husband would really benefit from a support group. I remember one of the mothers saying how she felt different than other women around her and that she felt like people looked at her like she was different. Being in that support group, she felt everyone had a connection - and they did. Some talked about the guilt they were experiencing - but others who had experienced the loss earlier than they had, would talk to them to help them with those feelings as well, so that they could learn to understand that these feelings were normal but there was nothing for you to feel guilty for. The process is different for everyone, and the healing and acceptance can take different lengths of time for everyone, but I do feel that the groups were extremely beneficial to all who attended. You could talk to your OB office for some recommendations of groups in the area. Talk to your pediatrician's office to see if they can recommend any groups too. I believe the group I went too was through Compassionate Friends. Here is a link to local areas in MD you can check to see if any are near you. http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Local_Chapters/Chapte...

If you go on-line, there are also some on-line support groups that I believe you can participate in w/o even leaving your home. Unfortunately, this is going to be the worst roller coaster ride of your life to date. You will go through so many different emotions. Someone might say something about the "loss of your child" and this will make you angry b/c you didn't "lose" your baby. Your baby cannot be found. The way some things are worded can be easily offensive to you. I am very sorry for you and your family that you are having to experience this. I wish you and your family the best and hope that your healing will be easier and quicker than you can imagine. There are so many resources in the metropolitan area that can guide you through this. If you have trouble finding them, please ask around. Ask your family, friends, and all your caregivers - you never know who will be able to help you the most, but it never hurts to ask!!!!

Jen,

I understand your loss as I had a miscarriage as well years ago. It is depressing but you have to deal with the emotions of your loss. You need to go through the grieving process so that you may heal and move on. You will overcome this ordeal in time. You may be wondering whether it was a boy or girl, what his/her personality would be like, etc. I am happy to say that I now have a three year old and a 7 month old. If you wish to have more children, you will.

I don't know why I had a miscarriage either. It is one of those unexplained events in life. But I have confidence that you will heal and have a bundle of joy in your future.

I understand the pain and exhaustion you are dealing with. I miscarried in october at 10wks gestation. it would have been my second child. We had already told everyone we were pregnant. It was a horrible exhausting time. We did do a few things to help us cope with the pain. 1. we named the baby. Since we didn't know if it was a boy or girl we gave it a gender neutral name. 2. I thought about my grandmother who passed on before my first child and how she now has a great grandbaby to hold too. 3. I talked about it with my husband.

Still to this day it is painful, but not crippling. I did experience some post pardum depression following the miscarriage and sought the help of medical professionals and they helped me feel better. Still when I see my friends who are pregnant and whose child would have been the same age as the baby I lost I cry. Now, 6 months later I am finally healed enough to even start to think about trying again for another baby.

So I guess in short being sad is normal and ok. I had flashbacks and cried in my bathroom for a few weeks. Another friend who miscarried experienced the same thing.

Just if it lasts constantly for more than 2 weeks you should consider that you are experiencing post pardum depression. There are great websites to let you know what symptoms of depression to look for.

As far as your son goes, kids are resillient. Explain to him what was happening (I am assuming he knew you were pregnant) and that you lost the baby. Otherwise you can just say mommy had a really bad owie and is getting better now.

Telling people we lost the baby was really hard but they were really supportive and nice about it. Lots of women have miscarriages and other people you know my have advice for you or have gone through it and have arms to hold you as you cry about it.

S.

J., we just had 2 losses in my family - a week apart. It was absolutely devastating - as a wife, daughter, and mom. So many to comfort, in so many directions - often trying to be strong while being crushed on the inside. I am soooooo sorry for your loss. I went to church on Sunday and looked around at others who I know have lost loved ones and I witnessed that they are still standing, moving, operating, functioning - in spite of the loss. That was encouraging for me. There is hope and comfort and it only comes with time - there are no shortcuts - we have to go through the valley of the shadow of death, but we do not have to stay there. Never chastise yourself for telling others you were pregnant - it is glorious to want to celebrate the gift of life and it was natural for you to ring the bells of hope and excitement. Please be encouraged, love on and cherish your 4 year old as you help him process what he saw, and allow your tears to cleanse your soul. You will be stronger next week than you are this week if you commit to moving forward in faith and not in fear. I bet you are stronger than you think you are.

Kim McDaniel
YourBestYouBlog.com

I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago, and I know it is a terribly difficult experience. Take time to grieve. It's really hard for a while, but it does get better. I planted a memorial flower garden, and seeing all those flowers last summer made me feel better. And if you can, maybe plan a low-key, weekend get-away with your husband and son. I did that with my husband and 3.5 year old two weeks after the miscarriage. We went to a wonderful zoo and spent some time outside, and that helped us all begin the healing process.

Trying to get pregnant again after a miscarriage can be emotionally difficult, so be prepared for that, and take your time. And remember, the miscarriage happened because something was wrong with the pregnancy and was not because of anything you did, so please try to not feel guilty (it's hard, I know).

P.S. I have a beautiful 1-week old baby now. Things will work out for you, too. Hang in there.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage and it took me quite a long time to heal. We had been trying for a few months and were so excited that we also told everyone. After I lost the baby I did not want to talk to anyone about so I sent an email to everyone saying that I had had a miscarriage and that I was not ready to discuss it at all. Everyone respected my request but were also there for me when I was finally ready to talk about it. We took a month off from trying to let my body recover and then the next month I got pregnant again and 40 weeks later had my wonderful daughter. Unfortunately, once you have had a miscarriage, it is very difficult to enjoy pregnancy. You feel like the baby could slip away again so easily and it is hard to be optimistic when you feel like you might be setting yourself up for more pain. Because of my loss I have a really difficult time with pregnancy. I wish I could enjoy it more, but once you have a loss it is always in your mind during pregnancy.
Some people may tell you that it was for the best - it was your body getting rid of a pregnancy that was not viable. While this is probably true it does not make it any easier. The women who said this to me were ones who had never had a miscarriage. They were trying to help but did not understand how deeply painful the loss really is.
In time it will get easier although you will never forget this baby. Take the time to grieve and do what you need to do to work through this. It is normal for you to feel sad, depressed and unable to concentrate. I was lost for quite a while after our miscarriage. I still have an outfit I bought for the baby and a card which I had given to my husband as my way of telling him I was pregnant. I still can't look at them without crying and it has been 3 years. There are lots of internet forums out there where women have gone through similar experiences and can offer support when you are ready. Take care of yourself.

Hi Jen!

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I completely understand how you are feeling as I sent my best friend flowers when I found out. Believe me, when you tell people that you suffered a miscarriage, they WILL understand. You will also find that you are NOT ALONE. So many women have gone through this. Focus on your 4 year old and be thankful. Don't let your sadness consume you. You will miss out on so many fun things with your son. Trust me, it will get better.

A.

I am so sorry for you, Jen. This is a wrenching thing to have to go through. I have been there as well, and all I can tell you is to hang on and know that you will feel better with time. It sounds so cliche, but for me it was true. Mine was almost four years ago, and the pain truly does ease with time, I assure you. For now, just take care of yourself and let others take care of you as you grieve. I'm sending lots of comforting thoughts your way.

Jen,

First off, i am so sorry. I understand what your going though because the exact same thing happened to me. i was so excited and told everyone. i actually would have had my miscarriage without knowing i was pregnant. i have a girlfriend who works at the doctor i see, and she was able to get me in earlier than i would have gone. Too much info i know. It was the most devastaing thing in my life. It was also my first pregnanacy. The only thing that really helped me though it, believe it or not, was to talk about it. I didn't understand what i had done, or why this happened to me. In talking with people i realized that it is so common, i coudn't have done anything to avoid it, and I was not the only one. Talk to a counseler, friend, or even strangers.
The one piece of advise i would give though is this...please, if you plan on having another child, don't wait. i was so upset and said i never wanted to get pregnant again because i didn't want to chance going though that pain again. I am sorry i waited so long. I have a beautiful, colorful, and sometimes wild, 5 year old. i would have given anything to add a brother or sister to her life, but i feel now i am to old. Only 40, but i think it's too late. I will be thinking about you, and know that the pain eases with time. i still, to this day, think about it...it would be out of charater for us not to. Good luck with everything. I hope this helps.
Regards,
K.

Don't blame yourself for telling people - you were excited and wanted people to know why! Maybe next time you'll decide to wait longer to tell people, but miscarriages are pretty common (but nonetheless devastating). I had one, and although I was a bit further along, I had also told people, and then had to tell them the bad news. All I can say is that as horrible as it feels now, it will get better in time. As for your son, well, he loves you, and will be glad to see you getting better when that happens. My kids have seen me sick and worse, but it's part of life. You'll know best how to handle your son's feelings about this.
I am sorry for your loss.

I see you've already gotten a lot of answers, but I wanted to throw mine in too. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic miscarriage and going from being so excited to losing your baby is hard. It's hard to go through, and you need to allow yourself to grieve. It's okay to be sad. Also, your horomones are probably a little crazy right now. I don't think it was stupid at all to tell people. Some people don't want others knowing their business, but I found that having sympathy from others helped me grieve. It might help you to do some introspective exercises (like writing what you feel, acknowledging the loss on paper, and then writing something like "and it's okay for me to be sad about this, but it doesn't have to govern my life.") or talk to a counselor.

Hi Jen.
I am so sorry. I had three and were called missed abortions ( a terrible name) and means my body thougtht it was still pregnant. Miscarriages are a lot more common than most people think.
Basically you have to go through a mourning phase.
Just yesterday my 8 year old was asking about moms and how many times they get pregnant etc and I told him while I had 6 pregnagncies I had three kids and I wasn't sad because if I had not lost those three I would not have had his brother and sister.
Soooooooooo while it is hard now, the reason ofr it all will be clear in the future.
Kids are resilent and you will be too, but let yourself be sad and go through the natural stages of loss.

Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage about 4 yrs ago when I was 12 weeks pregnant, and I have a few ideas to pass on to you that helped me. A dear friend encouraged me to let myself grieve for the baby I lost, and she suggested that I write a letter to the baby pouring out all my hopes and dreams for that child. I didn't think I had much to write, but once I got started, the words just flowed and I had such a peaceful feeling when I finished. It brought a real sense of closure. My friend had counseling experience and knew that writing a letter would help me heal and move on. Another friend passed along a bit of wisdom that she had heard: miscarried babies are the ones in heaven that comfort the aborted babies. It was comforting to me to visualize my baby, who was wanted so dearly, comforting a poor aborted baby who wasn't loved enough to be given life. I hope that doesn't offend you. I just think it's a beautiful vision. Take care of yourself and know that things will get easier as time goes on. You will be amazed at how many women come forward to tell you that they also suffered from a miscarriage. ~ H.

Hi Jen-

I'm touched your son was able to help you when you asked him, bless his heart. My son is 5, also deaf like I am.

My first pregnancy ended in a mc at around 10 weeks, it was tough having to break the news to my husband after getting back from the doctor's office. (While doing an ultrasound, doctor at first said, no, you're not pregnant.. of course I got upset because I knew I was as I saw the heartbeat only weeks earlier! This was the first sign something was very wrong.) Go ahead and grieve- It was something I read in 'Tuesdays with Morrie'- he'd grieve, cry in the morning, do what you feel you need to do... there is a time to be sad and then there's there rest of the day to go through. If you haven't read this, I totally recommend this! It may not seem like it at this point, go ahead and grieve, have faith and things will look upward soon.

In my case- I can't imagine not having my son... I was pregnant with him 2 months later after this miscarriage (against doctors' recommendations, pbbbllt to them). After the loss during my first pregnancy, I've been cautious in each pregnancy... life seems so much more precious.

If I remember right- around 1 in every 5 women have experienced a miscarriage. I was surprised to hear that, its much more common than I thought. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant and I was alone in this with my husband during this sad time. With my 2nd, 3rd and now my 4th pregnancy I went ahead and shared the news because, first, it's exciting news and, second, we can use the support in case of a loss. You did nothing wrong sharing the news when you did- don't mind at all the people who raise an eyebrow at sharing the news during the first trimester.

I wish you well... you're not alone. Send me a line if you like, I'll welcome it.

:::H.
(Son: 5, daughter: 4, and now 21 wks pregnant)

Jen:

My God bless and keep you. I know what you are going through. I've had 5 pregnancies and only 2 live births. The three I lost were all at different stages - one was 12 weeks, another at 14 weeks and then at 20 weeks. Out of all of them - THAT one hurt the worst - because I had already felt her kicking, moving and I was well into my 2nd tri-mester.

I lost my girl, Alexis, at 20 weeks on 2/23/04 - there are times when it seems like yesterday and other times when it feels like a lifetime ago. The pain is there - some days the pain in my heart is a dull ache and other days it's full on heart ache.

You were NOT stupid in telling people you were pregnant! Planned or unplanned - you were still excited about this pregnancy!

How do you get through it? Well, life goes on - as you have noticed. As sad as that sounds, it's true. You can handle it any way that works for you. You are going to go through all the stages of grief. Just because you didn't get to hold the baby - you still are suffering a loss. If people ask - you can let them know that you lost the baby. Most people get uncomfortable because they don't know what to say.

Just play it by ear and handle it how it works for you.

You WILL get through this. And I say again - YOU WERE NOT STUPID to tell people you were pregnant!

I lost my baby at 18 weeks almost a year ago on 4/4/09. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. I wont tell you the pain and hurt will go away, but I will tell you it will get easier.
I felt like my body had failed me, like I had failed my family and my husband for not being able to carry a baby. These feelings are normal. The guilt will go away.
What helped me the most was just time passing. There are many online sites that will help. The MISS foundation forums are very helpful to me.
I will be thinking of you. Please allow yourself time to grieve, as much time as you need.

Go ahead and tell your family and friends, the women in your life who love you, that you were pregnant. They will understand. Some of them have probably been there and you just didn't know. Sharing the grief and realizing your not alone will help. It's a grieving period that you have to allow yourself. It wasn't real to anyone else yet, but because as women, we carry a child from it's very conception in our bodies close to our hearts, we feel it just as strongly as any other loss. Reach out and ask for the help you need to move past this tragedy in your life. In time, you will begin to feel better and can move on with your life. Good luck!

Dearest Jen,
My heart aches for you and your family. While I have not lost a child, I have lost loved ones and know that loss hurts. Give yourself permission to mourn. Tell a trusted (organized) friend or relative who you've already notified. Choose someone who can help and can keep her own emotions under control. Give her names and numbers and ask her to make the telephone calls necessary to those who were aware you were expecting. Allow loved ones to help you through this difficult time. Although some people might (and will) say things that you might deem stupid, thoughtless or insensitive, just realize people are really trying to help and don't mean harm. No one really can say anything to make this pain any better, so try not to judge what they say or do. Just try to hear their hearts and the love they have for you and the need to try to make you feel better. But, truly, only time, love, faith, prayer, and taking it one day at a time will help you heal. Do not blame yourself, your husband, your genes, your parents, your child, your doctor, or God. We all share these experiences. If, however, the sadness continues, seek counsel to help you work through the grief. It is tough but you can get through with time, a willing attitude, and with help.

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry this happened. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks about 2-1/2 years ago, and it was devastating. My son was 1-1/2 at the time, and this was going to be our second baby. I cried and was depressed for weeks afterwards. I honestly think it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through and the saddest experience I've ever had. I found that writing/journaling helped. Talking and crying helped. Just letting myself be really, really sad and feel awful for awhile--letting myself really grieve--was important. Even if you weren't very far along, when you're happy to be having the baby, have shared the news, have started (at least mentally) planning for this little one, the loss is huge. Ultimately, time and having another baby helped the most. I got pregnant again a few months after the miscarriage, and my daughter will be 2 this summer (my son is now 4). The pregnancy following the miscarriage was much more stressful for me than my first one had been--I was so afraid of losing another one. I still sometimes think about the one we lost, but I can look back on it now without crying and from a more peaceful place about the family we have and how grateful for I am for our family. Where you are now is the worst of it. Just be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. This just happened last week, and it's going to take time to heal. It will get better. Of course, if you feel that it's just not getting better, or if you start to feel like you might hurt yourself, please get professional help. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your lost ,just tell them the truth , the Lord who give life took your baby for a good reason ,only he know's.you were not stupid for shareing your joy,so dont feel stupid to tell them the truth and may God bless you to have better luck next time.
Mother that lost and now have 10 .

You are NOT stupid! You were excited and had every reason to be! Stop being hard on yourself...this happens to so many women and for many reasons - some that we aren't able to explain. Know that this is a time for you to hold your loved ones close and YOURSELF as well - unfortunately, there is no way to really get through this other than to let time heal. It was not your fault! I experienced one (my first pregnancy) & beat myself up so I can relate. But it is a natural occurence although severely unfortunate & heartbreaking. It helped me to think of things on a spiritual level where the spirit of the baby wasn't ready to cross into this realm of ours yet for whatever reason. I found peace with that knowing that the child was still being cared for in the spiritual realm with the warmth & love of our ancestors cradling him/her. My wish is that you will come to terms with this and know that there may not be an answer as to why this occured, but that somewhere down the line in life, you will be alright with knowing that it was in God's/The Creator's will. Blessings to you & your family

Oh, Honey, I wish I could just come over there and wrap my arms around you and give you a hug! I am so so so sorry.
My husband and I have had multiple miscarrages and each one was its own distinct pain.
First, take really good care of your self. With all of the pain that you are explaining it sounds like it could have been a tubal pregnancy. Tubal pregnancy causes a lot of pain and a LOT of bleeding. Uterine miscarriage is not nearly as painful, perhaps like a bad period and there is not so much blood.
Secondly, understand that you have experienced a real death in your family. That was your baby and you do not love him or her any less than you do your son. You need to allow yourself time to heal, emotionally as well as physically. Hospice has a really great, and absolutely free, grief counseling sustem which would be of great help to you and your husband right now. Please call them and make an appointment. The worst thing that you could do right now is just "act normal, like nothing happened". Something did happen. You need to acknowledge it so that you can move on.
As for telling everyone, wait. They will find out soon enough and you do not need to relive it over and over telling everyone. Ask a sister or good friend to make a couple of key calls for you, letting people know and asking them to leave you alone for a bit, if that is what you want.
And choose now to forgive those who will say to you, "it was probably for the best". It might have been, but we don't know that and hearing that quote is one of the worst things about having a miscarriage.
You are in my prayers. It helped me to know that God had a reason to send my child to me, even for such a short time, and that my child's purpose in this world was completed, so he went home. And yes, I believe that I will see the children that I miscarried one day in heaven.
You are in my prayers. Give yourself time to heal. Don't tell your son too much, just that mommy was sick but that she is better now. The fear he felt that day will pass. Just love on him.

W.

time heals all wounds.. more like time wounds all heels
an unplanned pregnancy is still a pregnancy just the same
i am currently pulling an allnighter, my baby, my 40th birthday surpise,
was very sick earlier this afternoon, and i am going to find a comfortable
chair, pull her crib over, and be grateful for every bottle and poopy diaper
i am going to be changing in the next couple of hours. you were not stupid telling people you were pregnant, its all right. you didnt lose the baby, it simply went back to the manufacturer. the children we have and or raise is the only way to give fate the finger. just remember, your life aint truly over till
they slam the lid on your coffin shut.me, i want my desendants to be inspired.. and RELEAVED,when i am gone
K. h.

Hi there,
My heart goes out to you! I'm sorry you had to deal with this the way it went down! I had a similar experience before I had my first child, and I only went to the doctor afterwards. However, the only thing I can say is, that things always happen for a reason and this just wasn't meant to be. Maybe the fetus wasn't strong enough, but your body will want to get it right this time. Most women are super fertile after a miscarriage so be aware of that, I've had friends who ended up having twins and that never happened before in their families. So, stay strong, you'll be successful next time. And don't feel bad about sharing your news, your friends and family will support you I'm sure when you need them the most!!!!
Take care,
A.

Hello Jen. I understand just how you feel. I too suffered a miscarraige with an unplanned pregnancy. There was so much going on at the time that i did not really stop and pay attention to my cycle. My husband had just lost his where I had to change every hour to hour and a half. Something told me to take a pregnancy test and was positive. I went to the emergency room only because of the bleeding because I had NO pain what so ever! Finally got home seven hours later after ultrasounds and a terrible caterter so see why test was positive but empty uterus. I too have another child who is two and a half and is the Joy of my life. I know it is painful to lose a child, be it being weeks pregnant to birthing and raising your baby but remember, God makes no mistakes! Honestly, I questioned God's decision on taking my baby but come to the realization that His will shall be done.Continue to shower your son with love in a double dose, pray for the strength to get pass this. Forgive me if I am sounding too religious, I don't want to offend you. A doctor also told me that majority of miscarriages happen because something is wrong with the embryo, not with the mother. You will be JUST FINE!! I'm sure your family is very supportive and your baby is very comforting. Focus on them. That is what I did!! Good luck!!

Thank You!!
Tasha

I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. We were trying for our first. My husband and I laid in bed for 3 days crying. It was one of the most heart wrenching, traumatic experiences of our lives. I wasn't able to discuss or even look at a baby until we were able to get pregnant again. (We were told to wait for 2 cycles after miscarrying before trying again). I will share with you the ONLY words that I found helpful during that time. Someone told me that I would carry the SAME child again. The baby just wasn't ready yet but when s/he was I would carry the SAME child and give birth to a happy healthy baby. I was mourning the loss of that child, thinking I could have a million children but I would always long for the one I never got to meet. This piece of wisdom that I would meet and raise the same child really made my heart feel at peace. When I did get pregnant again I did feel that it was the same child. I know the child I have now is the one I lost. I can feel it. I now have my baby and my world is perfect. I know things are TERRIBLE for you now. Just let yourself feel what you feel. It's ok and know that in time you will begin to feel better. xoxo

Jen,

It takes time. I know personally that it is a very hard experience and you feel so many different emotions, but know that it wasn't your fault and that it will just take time before you can put this behind you. I'm truly sorry for your lost.

Jen,

I'm so sorry for your loss! I just had my first miscarriage with my 3rd child. THis child too was unplanned. I had no symptoms at all that I miscarried. I had announced at work and everything. 7 days before Xmas I found out my baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and I was supposed to be 9. I will pray for your heart to heal. And when you are ready, you may have 5 more kids if that's what you desire. My doc explained that sometimes there is something chromosomally wrong with the fetus and this is our bodies way of protecting us. Take your time grieving, no one knows what this feels like but you... and you'll find more people have gone through this than you know also. It's sometimes comforting to know you're not alone.

Dear Jen,

You weren't stupid, you were just happy and excited and wanted to share good news with your family and friends. Losing a baby is a sad thing, even women who have abortions go through periods of grief. What you are feeling is natural and normal.

Email or write a short note to the people you told about the baby. I'm sure they will be there to support you either in person or in spirit. Let everyone know which you prefer at this time.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Blessings.....

I am really sorry that this happened. I've found that time heals the pain of miscarriage but it took me a long time. I believe that one day I will see my baby in heaven and that he or she is there with my grandparents. I know not everyone believes in heaven.

My sons know about the miscarriage and sometimes they bring it up which I like. It doesn't make me sad anymore but it acknowledges that yes, there would have been another brother or sister. Then they argue over which one of them wouldn't have existed or whether they were meant to be with me, no matter the time, and we are back to the usual. It was many years ago. For me, it makes the most sense to think of the baby as a real person even though we never met.

It is hard to tell people but people are just doing their best to be kind. I heard a lot of "this is for the best because something was wrong with the baby." That didn't really help me but people say it to be kind and make sense of something difficult.

I would follow up with the doctor depending on how you are handling this. My doctor sat me down and explained how his wife had seven miscarriages and all the genetic problems they had - with an attitude that this was not a big deal. Well, that did not help although I'm sure he was trying to get me to process the event intellectually. I was glad not to be his wife! I went to another doctor who was extremely kind and we figured out that I don't have enough progesterone and needed some medication as soon as I was pregnant until the placenta is fully implanted and making its own. There may be something you can do in the future. It helped to have a plan. I was glad not to wait through several miscarriages before figuring things out like so many others have done.

You are in my prayers. Take time to grieve.

K.

J., First and foremost, there are NO right words to say in a situation like this, but I am very sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you. So, here's a different perspective on handling miscarriages, and I do apologize if I come off too strong as I am a blunt person.

Sooner or later you will get over this, no doubt. It does NOT seem like it now, but I promise you, you will survive it eventhough it is the end of the world now. You are already a lot stronger parent/woman than the rest, because you have a special needs child.

Miscarriages are more common than you think, people just don't talk about it a lot. I tried to get pregnant for years (naturally, no IVFs, etc.), and kept having several miscarriages, I became "immune" to them for lack of better word. Miscarriages can be equally physically and emotionally painful.

I've been through it all.... Pills, shots, d&c, scraping, natural passing, you name it I've had it. With each loss, it only made me a stronger person. Because I believed, one day I will have a baby and God will answer my prayers, and 8 years later, I have 2 wonderful children. I also have scars, stretch marks, loose skin, or any other ugliness you can think of, but I am a mother, and loving it. So, believe it or not, I will not change anything about my life then or now. Whatever happened to me, needed to happen to make me a better and stronger person I am today.

Also, ina different perspective, stillbirth scares the $hit out of me and is something I find absolutely soul shatterring. To bury a child right after the birth...been blessed enough not to have the xperience, but not sure how I'd handle something like that .

Pain of miscarriage is different if you're going through it for the first time. I listen to music a lot. Whether it's a happy or sad song, it ususally helps me cope better with whatever life throws at me.

Please take time to grieve, name the baby, buy a charm bracelet, whatever else it takes, but don't forget life goes on and time heals. You are not alone in this and there is definitely life after the miscarriage. Remember my words about a year from now.

My sis just had her second miscarriage and I know it's just heartbreaking. The only thing I can say is get someone ( your husband or mom or someone close) to call and let everyone around you know so they don't make things worse for you inadvertently.
I am so sorry this happened. HUGS and more HUGS

you can't control what happened to you it happened for a cause it may be unknown and that is disturbing you told everyone u knew because it was a happy moment u wanted tp spread the joy that is a good thing as for now telling them u miscarried do u want to spread it or just if they are concerned with your pregnancy and they ask how are u then tell them if it were me i would grieve with my family (husband) heal then let everyone else know what happened on as asked basis only.It will take time to heal

This happens to a lot of us...it will be OK!

Time does heal all wounds....I Promise!

It's very sad, and I was devastated when I had a miscarriage, but there is a bright side - time DOES heal these wounds. I look back on my miscarriage with zero sadness.

A miscarriage is nature's way of telling you the pregnancy probably was not viable. And it sounds like it happened very early in the pregnancy.

Grief and mourning are terrible. We just have to endure them. I'm sorry for your loss.