Mom Needs Help Explaining Divorce to Children

This is a very difficult problem because your kids are old enough to realize something has changed and not in a way they want a change. My son is only 2 and me and his father has been split since just after his birth. My sister on the other hand has a 6 and 13 year old that deals with their father being out of the house. The six year old is mad and blamed me for his parents break up. I told him that it was not my fault and that it was between his mother and father. Sometimes adults can not live in the same house and he should not worry about that because it is an adult problem. I also told him that he needs not worry about who's fault it is just know that his mother loves him, his father loves him and he loves both of them as well. Always make sure they focus on the fact that they are loved and just because Daddy does not live with you anymore does not mean that either of you love them any less.

In both my situation and my sisters situation we never talk negatively in front of the children about their father (try not to) and focus on the fact that their fathers love them dearly. It makes it harder when the father is not consistent with seeing his children. My sons father is like clock work three days a week but my neice and nephew see there father once a week if they are lucky and he tends to take his son more than his daughter as well. Consistently does not mean that plans/days of visitation can not be flexible. There are times that it fits better for me and my ex to switch days or times for him to spend with our son and we work together as much as possible to do just that. Our families also both respect our wishes of not putting bad thoughts about anyone (either parent) into his mind. It is always best for the kids to receive as much love as possible from as many people as possible. When my ex's family calls and wants to take my son because they haven't seen him enough in the previous week or two I try to accomodate them as much as possible.

The most important is not what you say is the point I am trying to get across but your actions with your ex and his family. Do not be afraid to set ground rules of consistentsy with visitation. It is so important because if he is not consistent your 3 little angels they may sometimes feel they are not loved by their father and then you have something else to explain to them and I think that one is far worse to have to explain then why is Daddy not living with us anymore.

They should see a social worker at school. Our school (the one I work at) has a "Rainbows" program. it's a group for kids, where they attend during school (lunch or after school, too), and talk about divorce. It's a non-threatening way to help students through it. You can only do so much as a parent, but having them meet other kids who are in the same boat does wonders!!

Ask about such a program and if there isn't one available, still see if the social worker can meet with the kids for just a few sessions. There are also LOADS of book for kids to read or to be read to them about divorce. Do a google search online and that will lead you to some books and other ideas.

Let them know not to be ashamed to ask questions. Most times the kids feel embarrassed or scared to ask. They also tend to "blame" things on themselves. Encourage them to talk about it with you--but don't force the issue either. Be open to answering questions...most times it's rather simple logistical ones that worry them.

I agree with the other advice. Also, I have read that children are first concerned with themselves and their own little world. They will want to make sure that they will be secure (that they will stay in the same place, for example, or the same school.) They will need to know that they will be taken care of. They need to know that their mother will love them and be there for them and that will never change. (and whatever is true for their father - that he will love them even if he's not there, for example.)

E.,

I know it's difficult trying to explain to kids why this is happening. As others have mentioned, the worst thing you can do for yourself is to bad-mouth him to them (trust me, they'll figure it out on their own if it's the case). You may want to check w/ their school. Most have a social worker. They can be a great resource w/literature (try your library for books about divorce) and even checking on the kids behavior in school due to the divorce. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), you may want to contact them to see a counselor to help you w/ some suggestions on how to tackle this.

Be honest w/ the kids about how their day-to-day life will change (going from one house to the other) - they want to know what to expect. But always reassure them that both Mom & Dad continue to love them very much.

Best of luck to you & your girls!!

I am not sure on how to explain the divorce to your childern but this is what I do know, coming from a divorced family myself my mother NEVER spoke a bad word to me about my father. She had her bad days where I know she hated him and wanted to bash him but she never, ever spoke those words to me and I love her so much for that. No matter what he is your daughther father and if you think he is a bad father and wish your girls to know that, let them figure it out for themselves. I don't have a wonderful relationship with my father but I know that is our relationship not from the influences I got from my mom, to this day if my parents are in the same room they are friendly. I was too young to remember my parents together which is why I don't believe I had many questions on why they aren't together now but I do remember her telling me that they both always loved us kids, that it is just better that they aren't together but no matter what they will always be there and love us. Good luck with however you chose to talk to your children.