Mom of 1St Grader in Need of Some Advice!!

Updated on September 01, 2011
M.2. asks from Downers Grove, IL
11 answers

My daughter started 1st grade last Wednesday and she loves it!! Sunday night during her bathtime she was telling me about a little girl in the other 1st grade class that is giving her a hard time on the playground at recess. This other girl is coming up to her and telling her "stay away from Alex" ... "don't talk to Alex" constantly. Alex is a little boy that was in my daughters kindergarten class last year and he is now in this other little girls 1st grade class. My daughter said she responds to this other girl by saying that she's Alex's friend and they were school friends last year. The other little girl just continues to tell my daughter to stop talking to him, etc and has now started including other classmates names too. I told her to tell this little girl that she is Alex's friend too and can talk to whoever she wants and then to walk away from this other girl. Well she said this to her today and when my daughter walked away this other girl followed after her hitting her with her shirt scarf.

I'd like to say that I realize they are only 1st graders but to me this is sounding like bullying already and as a mother I'm fuming mad!! I want my daughter to be able to stand up for herself and I certainly do not want to be one of 'those' mothers but I'm at a lose as to what to do. I'd appreciate any helpful advice that you could give me.

Thanks in advance!!

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So What Happened?

Thank you ladies!! I have a call into her teacher to let her know what is going on!! If I do not hear back from her by the end of the day I will be asking to speak with her briefly after school. I appreciate all of your replies and felt better reading each and every one of them reassuring me that bringing this to the teachers attention was the right move.

Twice Blessed ~ I loved your suggestion of telling my daughter to punch the bully in the nose because in all honestly that was my first thought but of course didn't tell my daughter that :)

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

I would definitely talk to the teacher and let her know whats going on. This happened to my child last year and they would be sad coming home. When they finally told me why and didnt want to go, same reason, their was one kid telling everyone else dont talk to him. It was again the bully and the other child wanting to be the boss. I talk to my child about it and told them to stand up for themselved and include themselves in all activities, BUT did go to the teacher ( not telling my child ) and told them whats going on in the classroom. Sometimes with 15-30 kids in a classroom, it gets hard to keep track. She did, and the problem was solved and my child was happy going to school again.
PHEWW! I was fuming mad like you, but didnt show my child, but sat down with the teacher when they were in gym class.

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J.C.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm so sorry this is happening. My daughter was bullied last year in first grade. When we spoke to her teacher about it, the teacher took care of it immediately. Yes, your daughter is being bullied and something definitely needs to be done. I would start out by talking to your daughter's teacher, and hopefully the teacher will follow up with you. If she doesn't, make sure you ask.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Some kids... are just bossy and territorial... and possessive.

Teach your daughter to speak up. Which she is. GOOD for her.
Teach your daughter, that no one, can tell her who to be friends with or not... that no one 'owns' another kid or friend.
And yes, to walk away.

BUT, also teach your child how to speak up to the teacher and tell the teacher of any problems.
AND you as a parent... ALSO HAVE TO notify the Teacher, of any wrongdoing to your child, by another.
I DO DO that.
The Teacher will NOT know about it, unless the parent, also speaks up.

Now, that girl is now HITTING your child. or harassing your child.
SO NOW IS THE TIME TO TELL THE TEACHER.
And in e-mail or writing.
Document or make notes to yourself, about what is happening.

MOST teachers, APPRECIATE when a parent tells them these things.
ALL of my kid's Teachers, do.
AND the Teacher, then talks to the ENTIRE classroom, about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. And to the offending child too. Privately. And to that child's parent.
That is normal protocol... at my kid's school.

Sure they are young. But even at that age, in school, the kids DO HAVE TO BE CORRECTED. Or they will keep doing it... to your child or others.
It has to STOP.

Kids even in this grade, can be Bullies.
For example:
My daughter, has a girl in her grade level, that is this way. MANY parents have complained about that child, amongst themselves, between Mommies. That child even bullied another Teacher's own child. At recess. At the playground.
It has to STOP.
It can only be handled and corrected and addressed... IF a Parent speaks up. The school... NEEDS "proof" and testimony from the parents/child... or else they cannot do anything about it.

My daughter was bullied in 1st grade. I told her Teacher. The Teacher told me "I am glad you told me. We have been having trouble with that other girl before. But no other parent would speak up. Since YOU have spoken up, NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND TALK TO HER PARENTS TOO." My daughter's Teacher took care of it that SAME day, and spoke to that offending child's parents and the Principal... too.
It was nipped in the bud.

YES, kids this age are bullies, already.

My daughter, DOES speak up for herself very well.
Still, Bullies are Bullies.
And you as a parent, of a young child, NEED TO SPEAK UP TOO.
To the Teacher/school.

I don't care about being "one of those Mothers."
If my child is being bullied... I speak up.
I am NOT shy nor self-conscious.
My kids' Teachers... know that and they know I am not one to make waves... unless I have to and for GOOD reason.

And REMEMBER: even if a child is good about speaking up and knows how... that does not mean, that they will not be Bullied. Even kids who speak up, get bullied.
SO THE KEY THING IS: for your child to tell you about any problems, and to know to tell the Teacher too... and for you the parent... to ALWAYS speak up to the Teacher informing her... of any problems or wrongdoing or inappropriate behavior upon your child.
THAT, is a parent's role and responsibility.
I always, advocate for my kids... when there are problems, like this.

It is NOT, your child's fault.
It is not about a child speaking up or standing up for herself. It is about.... HELPING your child, and telling the Teacher, too. Yourself.
Because as I said, even kids who speak up, are bullied.

My daughter and Husband... told me, they were so PROUD and GLAD, that I spoke up about my daughter being Bullied. My daughter called me her "Hero." Even if my daughter knows how to speak up and defend herself... you as a parent, STILL have to, make sure the problem is taken care of. AND IT SHOWS YOUR CHILD... how to problem solve and how to go about, 'reporting' wrongdoing. YOU are the example for your child.
That is how, they learn. Too.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Role play with your daughter so she can express the fact that "she's not the boss of her" and she can be friends with and/or talk to anyone she wishes!

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H.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

My daughter started 1st grade last week too. I don't have any great advise for you, I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. 1st graders are already "mean". It makes me think of the future and what other girls will be like in just a few years. It makes me want to cry.

I have been volunteering during lunch in the cafeteria to help with opening things and whatever. The other day, I was commenting to my daughter about how her day was, and such, (they had no idea I was her mom) and one girl looks at my daughter and says "Why are you talking to that lady? You are supposed to be eating your lunch dummy". I said "Well I am her M.! And we don't use words like dummy". She gave me ugly looks the rest of lunch time. Similar to what you would see a 12 year old bully doing. TIMES ARE CHANGING! Things are getting harder, and I blame it all on the parents. I would be mortified if I found out that my kids were mean to others. That little boy Alex is being singled out! My guess- there may be something different about him, and she focused in on that, and wants others to single him out too. It's sad. If it were me, I would send the teacher an email so that she knows that the girl is asking others to not like someone. Goodness, we're only 1 week into school!!!! It makes me so nervous about all of it!

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J.K.

answers from Chicago on

I personally am a teacher of 1st grade for 6 years. We as teacher's take bullying very seriously as staff. IT is not tolerated. Your daughter is definitely being bullied and even at such a young age you would be AMAZED at how many kids bully others at this age already. It truly is sad. With that sad, first make a call to the teacher and let her know what is going on requesting that she speaks to this other girls teacher and discuss what is happening to make it stop. If it continues that you will have to ask that the other child's parents be addressed. If it still continues you can go to the principal as a last resort. I am sure you will get results with step one. Even being first graders they know how to push buttons and bully and at the next breathe be best friends with the bully so just nip it in the bud! and RELAX. Attacking it calmly is key for you and how your daughter sees you handle this maturely!

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Ugh, I worked in first grade for three years, including playground duty and yes, this sounds SO familiar.
I don't know why but certain little girls (and boys) of this age already demonstrate a need to be in charge, especially telling other kids who they can or can not play with. What is really sad is that many times these girls are actually looked up to, even by the kids whom they are bossing around!
Also keep in mind there may be more to the story than what your daughter is saying. I witnessed many sweet little girls playing the victim when in fact, I had actually seen their full mutual participation in whatever was going on just minutes before.
So stay calm, and let the teacher and/or playground supervisor know what happened. Chances are they have already noticed which kids they need to keep an extra good eye on, these playground patterns and personalities establish themselves pretty early on in the school year.
And yes, by all means keep encouraging your daughter to use her words and stand up for herself and her friends :)

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J.C.

answers from Cleveland on

Tell your daughter to punch her in the nose once, and that should take care of it.

Juuuussstt kidding! tee hee

Talk to the teacher tomorrow and let her work it out with the other girl's teacher. Maybe both of them will want to talk to your daughter and the other girl together.

Don't ever feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing, at this age. You are your daughter's best advocate, and she needs you!

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

Your DD did the right thing in walking away. I would certainly at this point encourage you daughter to have fun and tell the teacher if this child continues to bother her.

If it continues I would also email/call the teacher and tell her what's happening so she can keep an eye on it at recess or let the other girl's teacher know so she can watch.

I agree it needs to be addressed immediately so it doesn't get worse.

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M.M.

answers from Washington DC on

We had an issue with hugging. A couple girls wanted to hug the boys and chased them around the playground. I finally said something to the teacher and come to find out she had lunch during their recess and the recess monitor hadn't said anything. This was also first grade.
It had made my son so uncomfortable he didn't want to go to recess.
Once the teacher was aware, she took care of it rather swiftly, and there was no more hugging,

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