Mom Seeking Help Dealing with 18 Year Old Daughter.

Sorry, but I have to ask-why didn't you throw the cookout? Not that it excuses her behavior, but respect is a two way street. I realize that there may be extenuating circumstances as to why you went one way when she asked for something else. But, the party was supposed to be to celebrate her and her accomplishment. It just seems that apologizing would be the best way to smooth this rift.

I know this hurts, but stop running after her! Stop looking for her to validate everything you do for her. Stop expecting her to say thank you. She isn't going to because she doesn't see you standing up for yourself and therefore finds no reason to show you respect.

I was difficult at this age and honestly all I wanted was for my mom to stop needing my validation. I did not respect that she didn't feel validated on her own. I know it is wrong, but that's how I saw it at the time.

So quit. And wait for her to come crawling back to you. She needs you. If she can't be grateful for what you do, then stop doing. Show her that you are unwilling to accept being taken advantage of. You have to put a stop to your moming of her in order for her to appreciate all that a mom means to her. If she can't say thank you for her graduation gift, then that is the end of getting gifts. If she can't say thank you when you make her breakfast, stop making her breakfast. If she won't answer the phone when you call, hard as it is, stop calling. When she calls you, don't answer. I know you'll be worried about her, but it probably is not going to be life threatening and she will leave a message. Then you can call her back. If she is angry that you did not answer, then tell her you will not be spoken to unless there is love and kindness in her voice, then hang up.

You can do no more. You've done for 18 years and now it is time for her to demonstrate what she has been taught. She's angry and that is bad for her. Make her prove herself to you and she will have less anger and more peace in her heart.

Good luck to you.

Hi L.,
I have a friend who has completely alienated her grown daughter and lots of other people. She always changes any plans to suit her, thinking she knows best.
If this is a one time thing, I agree with the other moms. Your daughter is being ungrateful and avoid the drama.
If this is a pattern on your part, thing about changing how you handle things before it gets worse.
Victoria

You're still close, she's just being a brat. Tell her she was damn rude, and that you'll think twice about doing things for her again. And she had better thank you sincerely for what you did before she asks you for another thing.

You're trying too hard, and she knows she has the upper hand. This is your chance to teach her some manners, mama -- don't worry, she won't stop loving you because of it.

However, I do have to add, was there any reason you didn't throw the cookout instead of the pizza party? That could make a difference, however, I still think she's being bratty. A party's a party, whether you eat pizza or whatever you eat at a "cookout."

Teenage girls are difficult to deal with but I am sure you will piss her off everytime you turn around. Ignore it!

She's not being a brat. You are wrong and need to apologize. This was her celebration for achieving a milestone in her life, and you turned it into something you wanted instead. If money or time was an issue, she should've helped with the expense and preparation, but it was her party. Put the shoe on the other foot for a second. Suppose you got a big raise and a promotion at work. Your hubby wants to take you out to celebrate. You say you want to go out to your favorite restaurant and a concert of your favorite singer, but your hubby decides to take you to HIS favorite restaurant and see HIS favorite singer instead. Is it still your celebration, or did he diminish it by not respecting your wishes? This isn't about the food you served, it's about not respecting her. Please apologize.

I am just wondering why you didn't have the cookout.? This party was for her sooooooo I guess if I were 18 I might act up also. BUT.......you were a good mom and did throw her a party. She should at least thank you for what you did do. I might start with sorry I did not have the cook out you wanted because bla bla bla so I thought the next best party I could throw would be a pizza party. Leave it at that. She really needs to say thank you to you and be respectful towards you. I do not think I would do another thing for her unless she shows some appreciation. I would not call or reach her until she is in front of you so you can talk face to face. I feel for you!

Your update
Do not call her, to do not track her down. She owes YOU the apology. Do NOT get pulled into this behavior.

You are doing something, you are teaching her she can pout, but she is the person that is not acting properly..

When you have both calmed down. You also need to let her know you will not accept this behavior from her again.

Do not get pulled into her drama.

You were the hostess and decided on pizza. She is being very rude and ungrateful.She may be 18 but is acting like she is 8.

Just ignore her, the way you used to when she had a tantrum.

i agree with Motherof2. Move on to the next drama!

She will get over it!

It seems that children have this idea in their head that once the graduate and are 18, they are adults and have the right to do whatever they want. I must admit from your daughter's point of view I can see why she's upset, especially since she doesn't understand why she couldn't have a cook out. However, her behavior is not acceptable.

When she returns home, sit down and have a calm discussion with her. Explain why you had pizza instead of the cookout. Also explain why her actions were not appropriate. At the same time listen to her response. Get her to open up and reestablish your lines of communication.

My guess is, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. I can't image a child being respectful, grateful, etc and then when someone throws a party, showing that kind of disrespect. Might want to get a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN.

Kids - and lots of adults - have been given so much that they are grateful for NOTHING. Truth is, they should be grateful you went to the trouble to do anything. I'd CERTAINLY not try to kiss up to her. She needs to learn respect. If she's in the workplace and doesn't get something she wants and has to settle for something else, how will she handle it? How will she learn to compromise and be a team player if she thinks it's all about her.

My guess is she has some self-centerede issues, as well. Otherwise, she'd be thanking you and not staying out on the porch w/ her friends. She's obviously let them know she's not happy w/ your choices. She's exhibiting immaturity, disrespect and is ungrateful child! She may find her "tactics" won't work out in the world. She'll have trouble fitting into situations, etc. because she thinks it's all about her and what she wants. If she doesn't like, say a job she's given, etc, most likely, she'll quit vs. seeing it thru and learning something from it as well as gaining character.

I've been a teacher and coach for decades. I've seen these patterns over and over and over. Hope she learns a new way to handle things that don't go her way.

I don't understand why you had a pizza party when she asked for a cookout. It was a party for her. Why did you ignore her wishes? I would be miffed at you too. Good luck on trying to restore your relationship.

I don't see all of the details, but from what information you did give, I very much agree with Momof2girls. Once she's come out of her pout, you can try to talk to her about the reason/s she did not get exactly what she wanted and about her very rude and childish behavior. Has she even considered writing and sending thank you cards for any gifts that she received from the very adults she ignored in the house?

Did you talk with her before hand to let her know what you were able to do for her party? On the other hand, has she always gotten what she wanted before and she just expected to get it now?

Why didnt you have the cookout? It was her party. Anyway (water under the bridge) I would ignore her. She is looking for her freedom and wants to be independant. I think you ticked her off by not listening to her so she basically punishing you (looks like it worked)
Your relationship used to be so good because she really needed you. Now she is trying to find herself and has many crosses to carry (school, majors, boys, friends...all those teenage things) and she probably wants to try to start doing things her way. ...so let her. If she needs your help she will ask for it. If you dont like what she is asking for or its too expensive, try compromising. Try becoming her distant friend. Go to her when she wants you to go to her- dont chase her anymore(I know its hard)
Good luck