Mom Taking Care of Mom

I honestly understand how hard this must be for you. Personally, I consider my parents my immediate family...in addition to my kids and husband. My parents have been there for me all my life and have done so much for me. And yes, it would be so difficult to fit another person in, but I would do everything I possibly could to take care of my parents and would eliminate other things in order to do so. My husband is also close with my parents and having that support would definitely help. Hope everything works out.

I'm so sorry, T.. I know it's hard. And YES, you are right that not everyone can be trusted.

Does she still have a car? You might consider selling the car and, of course, dropping the car insurance, and having her use THAT money to use cabs to get around. If there's no car to sell, hopefully she can afford cabs.

If her jewelry is expensive stuff, I'd put it in a lock box in the bank. Unless she's going somewhere nice, she probably doesn't wear it often. Maybe you could take her out once every two weeks, and run by the bank to pick it up before going to get her. Then put the jewelry back after the weekend.

If I were you, I'd transfer all her mail to a PO box and YOU handle her mail. Instead of her having a single bank account, it should jointly held with you so that if she were to get sick, you can get to the money. By having it in joint name, you can pay her bills and no one can steal her money from her.

You need to get a medical power of attorney and a financial power of attorney set up. This is SOOOO important - I can't stress how important it is. You can get a medical POA from the hospital - you want the more complicated one - not the simple one - and you and your mom really need to talk about her feelings and desires, using this document as a springboard for this discussion.

I can only imagine what she went through when her husband died, having to manage his affairs. Did she do it, or did someone else? Or did she have help? The reason I ask is that if she had someone help or if she did it herself, she is very aware of how hard it is and how much difference it can make to pre-plan. I hope she does understand this. Try to get her to choose a funeral home (perhaps the same people who took care of her husband) and sit down with them and you, and fill out all the paperwork that they will need for her when the time comes. They will open a file on her and write down all that she wants, even down to the songs she wants at her funeral. Does she have a plot already with your dad, or with her late husband? Having that set up too is so helpful.

I know this is a bit morbid. I'm doing this for my own mother, T., who is older than your mother. We did most of this for my dad, though we didn't get an obituary written, which we should have. When I got there, my mom stayed up all night and I stayed up most of the night with her, writing Daddy's obituary. It has to be done first in order to get the notice in the paper and for the death certificates.

Anyway, about the medicines. Can you put together a week's worth in little boxes with the days on them (they sell these specifically for medicines)? Would she be able to make sense of them?

Can she use a bare bones cell phone? She'd have it to call you and a taxi, or 911.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you. I say these things because of my own experience with my dad, and what I am doing with and know that I will have to do with my own mother.

Hugs to you, T..

Connect her with the senior services or Council on Aging in your town. They probably have luncheons, a van service, and various programs. You might look at independent living - my mother is 92 (!) and lives on her own, does her own cooking (although dinner service is available either on a meal plan or just by dropping in and being billed), has lots of committees, etc. They have a greenhouse, a library, a little fitness center, a craft room, a sun room with weekly cocktail parties & sing alongs, religious services, field trips to museums or malls or concerts, van service to the doctor or the supermarket, endless entertainment from movies to groups that use their auditorium for concerts and plays, card games, chair exercise, a zillion things.

If your mother cannot take care of her house because your stepdad used to, and if he did all the driving, then she might fare better in a place with lots of people her age - active adults who may not drive but who do everything else.

You cannot be her best friend. It's hard to say no but you cannot.

I do a lot for my mother but a lot less than you'd think. I do the big stuff like go to her annual physical so a 2nd person hears what the doctor says, and any special doctor appointments. I don't go to routine things. I help with the computer because that's beyond her sometimes, but she still does email and some on line shopping. We both sing in a women's chorus that takes music into nursing homes - it's great for her to be of service to others. See if there's something your mother can do - volunteering at the food pantry, reading to school children (elementary schools LOVE "foster grandmothers" for all those kids who don't have a grandma nearby), doing something at church, helping at the senior center luncheons, and so on.

Her worst enemy is isolation. When someone is recently widowed, friends often hover for a few weeks and then disappear. They say "Tell me if you need anything" but they don't suggest anything concrete, and your mother may not be able to forecast her needs or may not want to share them with anyone other than you. And if her other friends are still in couples, sometimes the invitations dry up.

You may need to get her to unload the house for something smaller she can manage and where other people are around all the time. Senior living is a great option.

Good luck - but don't sell out to her needs or you will all be miserable!

My mother was the director of a senior citizen's center in Ohio for 20 years. She would tell me stories of members who would come in dazed, their spouses newly gone, not knowing how to work the washing machine, balance the checkbook, even make up a list for the grocery store.
Her center helped them with that. It was a community of wonderful, friendly, diverse men and women who still thrived. It helped people cope with the loss of a loved one and got people back on their feet as a human being.
Of course, they also had hundreds of other groups and activities of all kinds of interests. The usual kind you would think for that age; knitting, war vets, high teas, etc. There were also groups that went hot air ballooning, mini car racing, dancing, etc.
This is a long winded way of saying that I think you should get her involved in her local senior center. I think she could find some friends and interests that would help her cope wonderfully. I wish you luck and strength through this.

My mother never drove. She grew up in Boston, and then always used public transport when she moved to Erie. I have four children, a husband, I own my own business (I shop a LOT for it) and my husband works 60+ hours a week. Eventually, the public transportation became difficult for her for a variety of reasons, although she is generally in good health. My sister grudgingly helped her (don't get me started...) until I started driving (I was 26) and then stopped altogether, so it all fell on me. Bad timing, but not to be helped.

First, I have boundaries and am not ashamed to tell them to her. Second, I refuse to let myself become irritated by her anymore, it just makes it worse.
Third, I'm all she has now. That's reason enough to plow forward.
Fourth, the entire family helps. If she needs someone to go to the store, one of the kids does it. If she needs a ride, I do it. If I am too stressed to do it, my husband does it.
Fifth, she always buys me coffee when I drive her. I would encourage you to offer up something like that when you are discussing the "boundaries", something she can immediately reward you with whenever you drive her somewhere. It cushions the "gah! YOU again?!" blow, wonderfully.
Sixth, don't underestimate how much everyone else in the family can and should help, it should not all fall on you.
Seventh, welcome to the Martyr Club! We drink wine, whiskey, and Perrier with lemon OR lime, and treat ourselves extra nice once in a while simply for the stress of putting up with Mother so often.

I say, go get yourself some wine and chocolate while you make up your Master Plan. "No Fear!" This is Martyr Club's motto.

If it were me (and I also don't drive, so I 'get' it) I would designate the times which worked for you to run errands. Keep them as regular as possible. Go over her shopping list with her and make sure she has enough food/necessary items stocked up before you head out to the store. Make sure her meds are being picked up days in advance of when they are needed.

Also do as Diane suggested and connect her with local resources. My grandmother (who lives across state) is homebound and calling my cousin for little tasks daily. This got better when they had a home helper coming in, but mostly she wanted the company of having another person around. Finding ways for your mom to stay socially connected will help.

I work , have a husband, take time to babysit my grandchild and am in a band and do other things as well . We as daughters do this. We take care of our parents (or should) when they need us.

I am 58 and my Mom is soon to be 87 (with Alzheimers) and she lives with me and my husband and has for almost 3 years. He's a Saint I swear :))) You just deal with it the best you can and be there for her. Their generation never seem to want the kind of freedom (driving etc) that our generation did and does.

Try not to have any regrets once she is gone Enjoy her while you can!

I'm of the opinion, as harsh as it may sound, that our parents did everything they could to take care of us while we were growing up, so we should do everything we can to take care of our parents as they grow old. I love my parents with all my heart, and yes, it would extremely difficult at times, but I would do the best I could with the time and financials that I have available to me. If that means placing her in a well-researched senior citizens complex or home, then wonderful. If not, I would take her in without even blinking an eye and let the rest sort itself out. After all, she's not going to be here forever....

Hi'ya T.,
I wrote out this big long response and realized I was rambling. I want to send you hugs.

I wonder if your mom was less lonely, or if there were more people available to help meet her needs, if it would be easier? Have you seen this already? http://redding.mercy.org/Who_We_Are/Community_Programs/18...

I understand it would require an extra trip for you, and that the drive is long, but perhaps in the long run it would be helpful for all involved?

In my experience, when we feel lost or purposeless, we can become very needy. We must feel a sense of place and connection, I think. What, historically, does your mom excel in? What does she enjoy? What relaxes her? What gives her confidence?

Would she benefit from having a companion to take care of? My husbands grandmother had a few cats, named after luxury sports cars. Those cats were ugly as sin and meaner than snakes, but she loved them and they gave her a reason to wake up in the morning. They gave her so much comfort. She also quilted, up until she had to go into hospice care.

My dad (77 y/o) reads and weeds his garden, fixes things on the property, and always has some project to be pissed off about. He always has to be learning something new. Right now he's experimenting with natural pesticides and reading about some monarch from long ago. My step mom's hobby is my dad. She is at his beck and call whenever he is awake. She likes to paint, and chats with her sisters too.

My mom (nearly 60 and in great health) works full time, goes to conferences, walks four miles a day, has a spiritual group, friends, and hikes and kayaks. We plan on living together as a family when she grows old. We will make her a studio where she can resume creating art. That's our plan, at least. Hopefully she'll have some great grand babies by then, to dote on (which will mean I'll be a grandma, yepee!!!).

Anyway, the point being, staying busy seems to be helpful for most people who are retired. Especially if they have lost their spouse.

Look, I've gone on rambling again. Oh well, this time I'll press post. Not sure any of this is useful in the least. Most of all, I just wanted to reach out and poke you. You're a very strong person, I know you'll get through this. I just hope it becomes easier sooner than later. Biggest hugs.

connect her with some new friends...a new/old interest group.

when my gma retired, she joined several senior citizen groups & learned a lot. This led to new friends.....who drove!

as for your mom, embrace this new phase in your life. Rejoice in planning these trips/errands together. Throw some of it off onto your husband & the rest of the family.

by approaching it with a better attitude, life will be better. :) When my mom retired, she was active in her village's board meetings. She was asked to run for mayor, & ended up being elected for 2 terms! Dang proud of her!

At the same time, my gma moved into a retirement apt complex.....& again met new friends/joined new activities. It was a very full happy time for both of them....at age 56 & 77.

Right now, I'm at 50, Mom will be 70, & Granny is 91. We're facing some challenges, but have learned to share the responsibility. Just this week, my 25yo son hit the road & drove to spend the night with my mom.....after she lost her best friend/companion/fella. They'd been together for 25+ years, & my Sis/I were tied up with closing on my Dad's estate. At the same time, my Uncle/Aunt were with Granny at the rehab facility where she's staying with a fractured hip. In the end, it all worked out.....because we shuffled our responsibilities! Good Luck & Peace!

I am getting near to this situation although I and my mother are older than you and your mother already. But after my dad died and my mother remarried she had someone to be there with her and for her. They are both getting almost to the point of needing care. This is just a thought but could you find someone near your mother's age who can drive who would like to share her home and she could take her places and also they could visit and do things? If she got room and board it might not cost as much. If that won't work you will have to hire someone or do it yourself I would think. There are senior citizens meetings and exercise, etc. in our town and she could go to that and see other people her age. You may have to get groceries for her, take her shopping, etc. and maybe fit it in on your weekend or whenever you can. Invite her to your home when you can so she gets out some. It will be so hard to do with your life so busy but I keep reminding myself it was hard for my mother to take care of me, a stubborn strong willed child, so I will make time for her. Check around your town though and see what is available to fill in for the many days you can't be there and find people to drop in and be with her to visit. She needs friends her age and not her age to interact with. Could she help out somewhere as a volunteer if she got a ride? I I have a 2nd or 3rd cousin who is 94 and still works in the hospital doing volunteer work. She puts me to shame with all she does. There are many places with needs that your mother could help with if she just got a ride or transportation and someone may be willing to pick her up.

I took care of my mother for the last eight years of her life with absolutely zero help from either of my three siblings, one of which lived next door. I wont lie and tell you it was easy cause it absolutely was not but I can tell you it was an absolute blessing. Today I am so greatful I was allowed the privledge of taking care of her. I was'nt the best nurse but I did the best I could to make her end life days comfortable and she knew without a doubt that she was loved.She died where I sleep now and have for the last five years, and I've never had such a comfortable bed and never slept as well as I do .If I had'nt been there for her I'm sure I wouldnt be comfortable in my own skin today, cause the bottom line is, she did the same for me in the beginning days of my life. It was without a doubt the greatest gift I've been given in my life.Utilize your community resources, they probably have adult day care programs. I do stress that you take advantage of any and all respites avaliable to you.

Have her go to some senior activities. She will likely fall in love again (hopefully with a YOUNGER man) and then he can take care of her. Good luck! =)

P.S. Make sure her financials are in order and she has it set up that its easy to take over if something were to happen to her (I assume everything was with your SD so she needs to change her beneficiaries and all that). Also, if you don't already have one, offer to get a big safe and keep in your closet and keep all her nice jewlery at your house since your house is "secure". Good luck!

My dad had a stoke not long after my mom passed away. He came to live with us. This was before we had kids. I worked full time shift work, and my husband was a long haul truck driver at that time. Luckily my dad was a vetran and qualified for some benefits such as home care orderlies, and had a Lifeline call button in case of emergency. I arranged all of his appointments and drove him where he needed to go, working around my schedule. He was with us for about five years before he needed more care than he could get in our home, and had to move to a nursing home. Once he moved into the nursing home I visited him every day, which was difficult to fit in. He passed away when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. I don't know how I would have managed if he were still in the home after I had the baby. That would have been even more difficult. I don't know if having her live with you is an option, but I found it much easier having dad at home with us then going to the nursing home.

oh my.....this brings tears to my eyes. i cared for my mom for the last two years. up until this past june she was driving and working part time. two years ago she had bladder cancer and had her bladder removed. i learned how to change and care for her ostomy bag and supplies. i'm married and have a 10 year old boy. i'm also a sahm. but twice a week i HAD to go to her house and give her a shower and change her bag. this past june the cancer came back and tipped our world upside down. i had to have friends take her to radiation (a 40 mile trip one way 5 days a week) my best friend was willing to take my mom when i couldn't. and then came chemo. it was hard to see my mom go thru the struggle of chemo and the side effects. she couldn't drive or work. she past away the end of july and i miss her and taking care of her. ask friends/family/church/anybody for help. you can't be there all the time but try to set up a schedule for you and her whether it's for grocery shopping and appointments. sit down and go over her bills together. just remember it's not going to be easy and it doesn't hurt to ask for help!!!

I am 44 years old and my mom is 77 and my dad is 78, my dad has dementia. We moved them a mile from us a few years back. I go there everyday after work and visit. I take them grocery shopping every weekend. Like other people have said, they took care of me all those years when I was growing up. There is no way I could not be there for them. It can be difficult at times. But I also have a husband that helps them just as much as I do. Just take it one day at time. Try and find some senior activity group for your mom.