Mom Vs. Dad - Second Child or Not?

All kids like to be the center of attention, and most of them adjust really well to having a sibling. I have two kids and would have liked another, I can't imagine only having had one, I didn't have the desire for just one. However, not all only children are unhappy about it. My husband grew up as an only child and never felt a longing for a sibling as a child.
I wouldn't let having to work keep me from having another child. I was always a working mom, my babies were in daycare, and it didn't upset me. However, if you truly can't afford another child, then it's responIsible not to have one. I don't know how old your child is, but mine are 10 and 14, and they are expensive ... and college is coming in a few short years.
However, is it necessary to make a final decision about not having any more children now? I'm not sure your age or the age of your son, but it's okay to space kids more than just 2 or 3 years apart. You may opt not to have another baby now, but perhaps in a couple of years, you can revisit this issue.
Also, as amazing as your child is, and you may think another won't compare, the next child would be just as incredible but in his or her own way
Good luck

if your husband truly doesn't want another child then i dont think one should be brought into the world. but if he is just concerned about paying bills then you have to help him get over the fear. i am a SAHM. we are pregnant with our 2nd child. not having enough money is dependent on how you want to live your life. for my husband an I having a family and letting me be home with the kids is more important then buying new clothes, having new cars, and eating out at restaurants. Yes we have limited money but i have never been happier in my life knowing that i have the love of my family. If you have already eliminated everything that you can and truly have no money left then maybe you should wait for a while and see if things get better. It may sound funny but when my husband and i got married we started "saving for a baby" it was enough to pay off hospital bills on the spot and baby expenses just got worked in. after our first we started the saving again. Someone can never "afford" to have kids you have to make it work. but if you cant provide the basic needs for a child after they are here then you shouldn't bring them in. Children are a great gift but they are a gift that has to born of love and want. Almost anybody can "have" a baby but not all can "raise" a child you need to discuss with your husband ask if money is the only issue. I wish you the best of luck everything will turn out just they way it is suppose to no matter what happens :)

Being a Christian women and mom, I have this to say: 1) God told us to go forth and multiply. 2) My husband is the head of the household which means that he makes the final decisions when we can't decide on something. 3) I firmly believe that staying home with your children is the best thing for them, and that's all the time, not just for 18 months or so.
Now, I don't know what your beliefs are, so I'm not sure if any of this helps you. But I have found that when I actually do what God says (listening to Him and my husband) I am blessed. For example, unexpected money turning up because we followed God in some area of our lives. So, if you believe in God and have a relationship with Him, He would make it possible for you to have more children.
As far as listening to your husband, it's better to listen to him. He's the provider and protector of your household. He's going to make the best decision possible for his family. (I'm assuming that you have discussed this a number of times.) Hopefully your husband is thinking of your best interests as a family and not just being selfish, anyway.
I stay at home with my children all day long. I'm working on homeschooling. I feel that as a mom, that's my job. My kids are just too important to me to leave in someone else's care all day long. That's not why I had kids.
Also, because my husband I are followers of Christ and we believe what His Word says, so we don't use birth control at all. But that's just what we do. Different people do different. We also don't do it because you can still get pregnant on birth control, and the birth control can cause you to abort the baby and not even know it. So... yeah... we just don't use it.
I guess my ultimate advice to you would be to talk to your husband again about it. I would also suggest praying about it, but I'm not sure where you stand on that. So, just talk to your husband and weigh the pros and cons of it.
But remember that you do have a baby for you to love and who loves you. And I'm not saying that that's any reason to not have more. I'm just saying that you are already a blessed woman. You have a husband who provides for you and loves you. Because of him, you're able to stay home with your baby while he works all day. And you have a baby (probably a beautiful one, too) who loves you. You are truly a blessed woman. Please remember that. I hope this helped you. :)

I think you already know the answer. You said you can't afford it and that you'd have to put the baby in daycare and work. And just because you can't right now doesn't mean that the opportunity won't be there later. And the fact that your husband doesn't want another one is a biggie. I think that if one spouse doesn't then the other needs to honor that. Is it worth having another and putting a strain on your marriage and you or your husband resenting the other. You owe it to your son, who is already here, to keep his family together. And later if $ isn't an issue then maybe your husband wouldn't mind having another. I understand the desire but I think we get caught up in that and not the reality of our situation. Hope this helps.

If you want another one, do not give into your husband because you will never be happy if you don't have another one.

Yah they are more expensive....but unless you are telling me that your mortgage won't get paid and you'll have to have your heat turned off every other month, then you can find a way to afford it.

You probably will have to give up your '18 months' being at home with baby in order for it to work since you said you both have to work. But you will get time off for maternity leave.

I have two kids (2 years apart) and it's wonderful. Sure it's a lot of work and daycare is expensive but like you said, I had more love to give than for just one, I wanted my daugther to have a sibling, I wanted a girl or boy (didn't care) and got a son. I wanted my daughter to have someone when we are gone. I wanted our family to be bigger than just the three of us. I never wanted to have just one because I feel that it's better to have more (no offense to those singletons or those who only want/have one out there!).

I do not think money (unless like I said before you'd lose your house/not have heat) is a good enough reason to not have more kids.

Seeing your kids play together and smile at each other is the best thing. My kids are only 2.5 and 6 months old but watching my baby son gaze adoringly at his big sister and then seeing her hug and kiss him and them giggle together even at this age is priceless.

You don't really say why your husband does not want a 2nd child, other than the financial burden. My daughter is 6 1/2 and an only child, and I wish she had a sibling to play with. We don't really live in an area where she is free to play with other kids and have not really had opportunities yet for play dates. I can tell she needs more play time - with kids, not just more outdoor time.

However, having only one child allows you almost the same freedom as having no children. You can still afford almost any vacation you would like to take, you can see being able to provide some support for college in the future, etc. Your day to day finances will not be greatly affected by a new baby (as long as you have health insurance). It's the luxuries that are affected. You can feed a family of 4 for about the same as a family of 3, you will have some hand me down clothing and baby gear even if your 2nd is a girl, etc. I don't know how old your son is, but if they are both in daycare - THAT could be a financial burden.

As for no other child comparing to your son... Your first child will always be special because they are first, your next will always be special for being the child he/she is. The heart has endless room to expand and love all your children. Your son may have to adjust, or he may love having a playmate or both. My brother and i did not really get along until I left for college, but we still played together a lot when there was no one else around.

My only advice is, make the decision honestly in conjunction with your husband. The decision does not belong to mom alone.

Best wishes!

Is there any reason why this decision has to be made and set in stone right now? I don't see why you can't revisit this in a couple years. A lot of things can change in a few years, for both sides of the argument. Are the reasons you husband doesn't want another the things you listed? My opinion on those: Your finances will have had a chance to get more stable, you can budget and save starting now. The economy is bound to be better by then. Check out http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/

To say a second child won't compare is quite true, but it might be all the things your son is not, and you don't even know you are missing those things. I would hope he would cherish each child as their own individual selves, not expect them to be carbon copies. Even an opposite child from the one you have is going to bring you joy for those unique qualities.

Of course your son likes being the center of attention. Doesn't every child? But is it really good for a child to think he is the center of the universe? He will have a chance to learn some valuable lessons like sharing and teamwork and cooperation, that will serve him well later in life.

I totally feel for you not wanting to work. It would break my heart. But I think it would break my heart more to not have another. That is what you will have to decide for yourself. And again, in a few years, the situation might be different.

As far as waiting goes- my sister is 9 years younger than I am. No, we didnt get to grow up playing barbies together or share a room. But now that we are adults, we are very close. There is no one I am closer to except my husband. Having siblings far apart does not mean they won't have a lifetime friendship. I don't really feel like we missed out in our early years by being so far apart. She probably does a little, but that is such a small span of time in comparison to your whole life. So I see no reason why this decision has to be made permanent right now. I totally understand about having more love to give, don't listen to others. And aren't we all born to fulfill a need of our parents to have a child? Well, the lucky ones are anyways. The rest are accidents. (Let's hope their parents don't make them feel that way.) I wish you luck!

My husband and I are very similar. We have twin boys, and he didn't want anymore children. While I would jokingly tease him, I wanted to respect his feelings. I'm not sure how old your son in, but with time your feelings or your husband's feeling may change (my husband's did, and we will eventually have another addition to the family). While no one really "wins", I think it's harder to ask someone to add another person to the family than it is to accept that your family is complete as is. I completely understand your feelings, and it's almost a feeling of being incomplete. But, if your husband is sure he doesn't want anymore children, you need to respect that. Who knows, he may change his mind.

There is no sure decision when it comes to this kind of situation. If you don't think you can afford to have a second child right now, why not wait a few years and re-evaluate the situation

I do have to say though that if your husband doesn't want a second child, then it probably isn't a great idea to have another. It's never good to force someone to have a child they don't want.

I am in the same boat and I love how there are so many completely opposing viewpoints on here. Even though I didn't ask the question myself, I was benefited by these responses. This is a very tough quesiton for so many moms and dads.
That said, I've gotta say, although I love this site and I'm always so touched by the kindness, the willingness to share, and the sisterhood of almost all the moms on here... it always amazes me how there seems to be at least one very rude mom per every question!!! It's like I have to brace myself whenever I post a question - I know there will be so much love, respect and compassion out there but there will also always be that one or two responses written with arrogance from some opinionated know-it-all. There is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion but this is a group forum and if you can't act like you are part of group, then don't participate! You only make your own self look bad (Linda).

You've got a lot of good advice. The only thing I'd like to add is not to think that being an only child is the same thing as being a lonely child. I have an only child and I am what they call an "almost only child" due to the huge difference in the ages of my siblings and myself. Most siblings fight, eventhough they love each other, so your child would not have the peace and quite he has now. I don't know how old your son is, but a baby is not someone he can play with. He would have to wait a couple of years before the baby is old enough to understand how to play with him. My son would be absolutely devistated if I had another child. How does your son feel about having another sibling? Keep in mind that you can't choose the sex of the baby so he could have a baby brother or a baby sister. How would he feel about sharing his toys?

Kids grow up fast, you're right. It sounds like you miss your son's infant or toddler years. Keep in mind that the second baby will grow up fast too, then what? Sounds like you really love babies and that's ok, but you really need to find out why your hubby feels like he does and how your son would feel. Try to be calm and unemotional about it. Try to see his point too, before you try to go in for a rebuttal. Like someone said, maybe just now is not the right time for your hubby or he could be satisfied. Either way, it's not worth loosing a good relationship over. The most important thing is that you all love each other. I know a lot of people get made at me and feel I'm equating animals with humans....I'm not...It's just that sometimes a puppy/kitten help to take your mind off wanting another child. (Puppies help more since they are more dependent on you.) You might want to consider a puppy.

Ok....have I been there? Yes/no....sort of. It's always my hubby that wants the baby and not me. Talk about the disapointment when my hubby asked to have a baby after I married him with the understanding of not having children. I have to admit I would never want to "give my son back" and I love him with all my heart and soul, but if I had it to do all over again...I wouldn't have had him in the first place. (Still too overwhelming for me.) ....Hubby did ask for a second, of course I said, "No, we've already compromised by having one." I also reminded him of the worrying during and after the pregnancy and the endless nights trying to get him to sleep. I also told him that there is no guarantee that a second child would make our son eat more food, which is one of the reasons he wanted a 2nd child. Another reason was someone for our son to play with....Yeah right, like our 11 year old son is going to play with a baby. I told him our son can invited his friends over to play and have sanctuary afterwards. I also asked what about catholic school, how could we afford it for 2 kids? He said, "Send them to public school." I asked him how our son would feel about that, he would regrett his sibling forever for taking his friends away. Luckily my MIL came to the rescue and simply said I'm too old to have another child and that we would be senior citizens when the new kid starts middle school. That ended that. Yes, you guessed it.....We got a dog. The dog became my husband's second son.

Honestly hubby and I have been in the same discussion. Great daughter who is an only child... both hubby and I have had siblings and were thinking of having two children. Well after talking we come to the conclusion we can not afford a second at this point in time without having to cut back on things like pyaing bills and told that if I am pregnant again it could be a very high risk pregnancy. So no matter how much another child would be wonderful to have right now we decided no for now, but we can revisit the topic whenever we want.

Also a worry for us is our daughter would not have that connection of sibling, well I have two brother married or almost married who will be starting a family of their own in 1-3 years. So my daughter can become close to her cousins like she would a sibling. Sure they will be 4-6 years a part but there are siblings that far apart who are close.

We can not tell you what is right for you and your family but that is where my family is when we talked about have a second.

I would take the financial question very seriously. We have two now, and while I love my second son more than words can express, money-wise it has been very difficult. When I say "very difficult" I mean cashing in change jars to buy groceries and going weeks at a time with a zero checking account balance. We don't have money to take our family on vacation this year, which makes me feel bad for my five year-old who will be stuck at home all summer. My husband and I are stressed and have been arguing more. He has had to take on additional work to make ends meet, which means many nights and weekends he is gone and I am alone with the kids.

So think about it very carefully. Your husband may have a point. This is a decision that should be made with the head AND the heart. Good luck:)

Alot of different perspectives and it depends on the person and family and couples. We have three, yes, money-wise it has been difficulty, but when I think of how fast they do grow and I love it now that they are growing up and playing and the ages of my boys are 5, 4 and 2 years old. I have had miscarriages which kept me from having #4. We are still interested and checking it out with specialist and OB. My 5 year old plays with the 2 year old and also my 4 year old plays with the 2 year old. If you have another one soon, don't let the age difference affect your decision to be honest. Every child is a Gift from God and they do grow up so fast so the way I see it right now, if your husband is not for it, you shouldn't do it because it's not fair to him, but he should see from your point of view and try to resolve this difference. I don't want to regret for having another one many years later when they all grow up so they have each other too. I pray that God will give you Wisdom and ask Him for His Wisdom if you want to know what's best!!

Didn't you have this conversation before you had your first?

A few considerations to complicate the conversation: you may not be able to afford to work, if you also have to pay for infant care and your son's before and afterschool care --in fact, like a great many working mothers, your job may end up creating expenses that it doesn't pay enough to cover. This is more of a problem with an added child.

Your assertion that you have 'more love to give' is a very strange argument. You only have as much love as you have... it doesn't get divided up between people.

If you don't have the resources (time or money) to care for another child... well that's not going to be a wonderful experience for the child, right?

If you think that having another child will fill an empty space in you, or in your life, well --I invite you to consider how you might feel to find out that you were born to fulfill someone else's needs rather than to exist.

I am inclined to wonder what a baby is expected to solve --a sense of aimlessness? a fear of having to deal with the gradual growing up and moving on you see in your first born? a sense of struggling with this growing child and a desire to return to the nostalgia of the early years?

There are a lot of unanswered questions that impede any stranger's ability to say 'this is right' for you.

Hi,
Does your husband want another child but is concerned more about the finacial stability of your family or does he simply just not want another child?
If he does want another child but is just being smart to not stress the family out about finances, I have an idea that may or may not work for you.

I was the same as you. I did not want to put my child in daycare but I absolutly had to work or we could not make ends meet. I ended up finding this amazing home daycare that I was able to work at full-time and bring my child to work with me! Then after a year of getting training and working with the director of this daycare, I ventured off on my own, got licenced and opened my own home daycare. You can set your own rates, take anywhere from 2-6 children. You dont have to have a huge house for this. It has been an amazing opportunity so that I can be there for my children and help some other families in the process.
I didnt plan on doing this for long time but 6 years later Im still at it. The money is great, the savings amazing, and the tax write offs are amazinf too!
If you want to talk more about it feel free to message me, I have sample policies for parents, lessons plans etc.

Now, if your husband simply just doesnt want anymore kids, you cant force it him. It can ruin your relationship & cause tension between him and the new baby & you.

Keep talking to him. It will work out.

If baby number 2 is a definte no, focus on your one child. Think of all the places you can travel with him and fun things you can do.

Hope this helps.