Moms of 20 Year Olds and Older

I have a 27 year old and a 31 year old about to be a DAD himself. As long as you keep in touch with them and don't be stubborn and think they should always call you....you should be fine. I am a firm believer (and my boys know it) that if I want to talk to them I call them. I don't butt in their business unless they ask for advice, but I have a great repore with both if them.

It will be up to you (maybe for a while) to keep up the relationship....they always come around.....good luck!!

My husband has very little in common with his family-- except that now that we have kids he wants to visit his parents all the time and get advice, love, and help! We love having them visit and visiting them. I don't think he did as much of that before we got married and had kids.

Page,
It all depends on the relationship. My brother stayed as far away as he could. He did not like our mom and her alcoholism. He left me to deal with that and her illness of fibromyalgia. He started coming around when she passed away more than just holidays. Of course it is now just the two of us left that are local to each other. My daughter is 20, which is why your request caught my eye. My husband on the other hand was always going to his parents house even after we got married. He was a mommas boy. Our oldest still has yet to move out. She had a friend who move out when he was 17. Said the home life was bad, the step mom had two sets of rules for her kids and them. That the dad did not stand up for his own kids. I have seen this a lot with the kids I work with. Hope this gives you some perspective.

W. M

well, let me share my story. Boys that become men and get married often direct all their attention to the family of the wife. As a single mother, with no man in my house, it is rare that they come here even though they are invited. They want me to drive to their house (170 Miles RT) All their vacations seem to be with wife's family and they are NICE vacations so I can't blame them. I would love to have those vacations.

Younger son is a bit better but lives 1500 miles away. However if I don't text I rarely get them to answer the phone. I went kicking and screaming texting and only do it infrequently. That is not a conversation in my book. How about a phone call of 5 minutes twice a month? I have finally come to the conclusion that "living life well is the best revenge" and when and if they choose and I am not in Italy I will be happy to see them.

I was a single parent from their ages of 2-4 and they resent that I did not have a man in the house. working three jobs did not facilitate much social life. Now they have father in laws and that gives them some fathering. I would do things differently if given a chance however I also do not want to go backwards. To the wives of sons I say...consider being somewhat fair cause if you have a son it likely will happen to you.

"A son is a son until he takes wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life."

Is it the Nature of things?

I think it varies. Among my family, I have two cousins (one male, one female) both of whom are pretty much in hiding from all family for most of the year..they don't return calls or emails. I think they are too absorbed in their own lives to have time for anyone else.
I have a sister who avoids all family, even at the holidays. She occasionally talks to Mom.
I keep pretty regular contact with my folks, with emails, and I see them about once a month.
We are all 30s and early 40s, but the same patterns existed for all of us when we were younger...
I think some of it has to do with whether people think their parents have something specific to offer that they need. I don't mean money, I mean support or advice or shared experience or interest. At some point parents would ideally become more "friends", more of equals, as opposed to authority figures. Some young adults may not see their parents this way--as individuals, like them---but only as caretakers (a service no longer needed).
If a parent centers her life around her children, and the children move on, it's hard for them to relate to each other anymore.
If your grown kid seems uninterested in you, it may be that he is focused on something specific (like career, or college) for the moment, and it may change. But in any case, I think parents that have other interests, who stay busy, will have more to talk about. I am thinking of my folks, here...I stay in contact, but honestly, every time we talk it's the same old stuff, unless they develop a health problem. They just do and think the same old stuff they always did...stagnant.
But for me, I lost my grandparents a long time ago, and I am aware of my parents' mortality. My mother has had some serious health problems in recent years and I know she won't be around forever. I value her memories and her recipes, and all the secrets I haven't heard yet...and may never know about her.
Someone just out of the house wouldn't be thinking of things like that.

My girlfriend invites her son for dinner on a regular bases. Not just holidays ,and also they go to movies or other events. She finds it helps a lot. Her boyfriend just put on a surprise 50th birthday for her a couple of Sundays ago, and her son came alone with flowers in his hands. He soon will be leaving the country for about half a year. It will be very hard for her when he leaves. There is always facebook.
In my family my Dad the eldest he move away over a 1000 kilometers and still came home at the very least four times a year,with gifts. We sent cards and letters in the mail. He called his mom every Sunday. Till she past away.
I call both my parents on a regular basis. Yes I am a woman. And I have an adult daughter she stays in touch almost everyday. My stepsister calls her mom everyday, yet her brother does not. He visits a few times a year with his family. My brother never calls home to anyone ever. He attends no family gathers after about 27. He does still see all of his family from time to time in his own way on his own time. My neighbour use to say the apple does not fall far from the tree. We live in a world with so many forms of communication. Pick your style, it is your life. You only have one life too live. She also said it takes two hands to clap. He is your son you know him the ever best., I suggest you reach out to him till he reaches back to you.

Updated

My girlfriend invites her son for dinner on a regular bases. Not just holidays ,and also they go to movies or other events. She finds it helps a lot. Her boyfriend just put on a surprise 50th birthday for her a couple of Sundays ago, and her son came alone with flowers in his hands. He soon will be leaving the country for about half a year. It will be very hard for her when he leaves. There is always facebook.
In my family my Dad the eldest he move away over a 1000 kilometers and still came home at the very least four times a year,with gifts. We sent cards and letters in the mail. He called his mom every Sunday. Till she past away.
I call both my parents on a regular basis. Yes I am a woman. And I have an adult daughter she stays in touch almost everyday. My stepsister calls her mom everyday, yet her brother does not. He visits a few times a year with his family. My brother never calls home to anyone ever. He attends no family gathers after about 27. He does still see all of his family from time to time in his own way on his own time. My neighbour use to say the apple does not fall far from the tree. We live in a world with so many forms of communication. Pick your style, it is your life. You only have one life too live. She also said it takes two hands to clap. He is your son you know him the ever best., I suggest you reach out to him till he reaches back to you.

In our case, when they married the wives made a big difference. The women, bless their hearts, have made sure our boys kept contact better than they would have on their own. When they had children that made it even better, because they wanted us to be in their kids' lives.

Dear Page,
My son is only 14 and I really can cry even thinking about the day he's grown and on his own. We are so very close and I know I've given him a good foundation. He'll do just fine in this world, but I make sure to really treasure him while I've got him.
My daughter is 23 and when she first moved out I rarely saw her. She called at least once a week. When she did come to visit, my son cried everytime after she'd left because he missed her so much. She lives an hour away and works two jobs, but she still makes a point of coming at least once a week and sees us on all holidays. She had to go to the doctor not long ago and wanted me to go with her. She calls me for advice all the time. It's so funny. If someone needs the answer to something, she calls me and she'll say, "See, I told you my mom would know." It's cute, really.
It might be a little different for boys, I don't know. Like I said, I'm not there yet. My son wants to move away from here to start a career after high school and he always says, "Mom, don't worry. I'm taking you with me."
In my dad's family, there were 3 boys and they all went off to join the military. Then they got married and had families, but they all saw that their mother was taken care of and visited her or flew her to be with them every possible chance. Their father died when they were young and she was the center of their universe.
I think guys in their 20's are trying to spread their wings and sow their wild oats a bit, but I do believe that most of them come back around and have a deep appreciation for their mothers.
I've got my fingers crossed it will be the same with my son.

Best wishes!

At 18 and 19 my son could barely pass a civil word to his father. He is now 24. He and his father talk on the phone almost daily. Our son is in college about an 8 hour drive away. He is planning to come home for winter break. I decided to save money and not visit for Thanksgiving. It was our son who really had a bad time with this idea. After a week of relentless cajoling I finally gave in and we spent our Thanksgiving with him. It was worth every penny. I even got to take home this nifty cold from black Friday shared with my son. Now if I could just get him to get his lead foot out of the accelerator. . .

I don't think there is a "right" answer here, Page :O) Our older kids, now 25 (boy) & 23 (girl) were different from eachother. I think it depends on their needs, their confidence level, and their motivation level.

This is time where they "venture off" trying to live as adults....some will 'fail' over and over (bouncing checks, or whatever) and eventually become responsible. But to get there, they needs their parents help most of the time. And THAT help is the way we get their affections....for now anyway :O)

Our kids are not married yet, we get phone calls often, even though one lives in the same town we hardly see her :O) Yes, it is mostly "obligated" times :O) But we are a close family, and don't have too many issues (now that they are not teenagers), so it's pleasant to be with them. Even so, we only see them at certain times of year right now.

I wouldn't take it personally...they are just trying to live like adults :O) You can always invite them over for as once a month dinner. We tried that....it worked for awhile, but it felt good trying :O)

I hope that helps you understand in your situation :0)

~N. :O)

I don't have one of those yet, my kids are both under 5, but I'm married to one.

He does want to visit with and communicate with his family, it's just that they are in such a different place and are not flexible that the distance is needed. We only make obligatory visits because of their reactions to us. It's always been this way (they didn't visit us for the first 5 yrs we were in CA because, they claim now, they didn't have time) but is harder with the kids (I got in trouble on my daughters second birthday for stopping her grabbing linguinni in marinara sauce off my MIL's plate and asking the adults not to allow it). My advice to you is to be as open and understanding as possible, accept whatever communication is offered and build your own life as much as you can.

Good luck

I am glad you asked that question. I have a 18 year old son and am wondering the same thing.

Good Luck

Hi Page,

I have two sons (29 and 28). They went into the military at 18 and turned into men overnight it seems. The youngest of the two keeps in touch with me on a regular basis, however he lives in Georgia so most of our communication is done online. The oldest, omg, hearing from him is like pulling teeth and the only way I know what's going on with him was to join facebook so I could see his interaction with his friends, I pretty much hate that.
My belief (and what I continually console myself with) is that the decade between 20 and 30 is the decade where they find their place in the world as men and to be around "mommy" makes them feel childish and they just don't have room for that right now.

I was very close with both sons while they were little, and it's still hard to believe that I don't get to see them very often. Their dad passed away a couple of years ago and I've since remarried. There may be some discomfort or loyalty issues to their dad that keeps them at arms distance for now, but I'm sure as they get older that distance will shorten (I hope).

There is definitley a difference in opinion on the lifestyle I lead as compared to both of my sons, and it's probably "boring" for them to come home for any length of time. I do not pressure them or guilt them to come see me. The oldest lives in South Korea right now (for work) so it's impossible for him to see me much, but I do get worried and I'm always curious as to what he's doing, he's very tight lipped about most things and will share only what needs to be shared like how is job is going and when he might be coming back to the states. He never talks about relationships or any of the stuff I REALLY would like to hear about. He does direct deposit money into my account each month for medical insurance for me, and has let us use his car while he's in Korea... and that's his way of taking care of Mom I guess. I appreciate it immensley but sure would like to kiss him up in person.
The younger is married and has my baby granddaughter, I love my DIL and she lets me know what's going on all the time...Thank God for DIL's! I figure when my older son gets into a relationship his g/f will help keep him on his toes to communicate with goood ol' mom a bit more often.

Anyway, bottom line is: They are learing to be men and in time when they get comfortable with their place in the world, they will have more time for Mothering.

I have g/f's tho whose sons are still closely tied to apron strings and I envy that sometimes, but I'm also very proud of my sons because they are very financially successful and very independent and dont NEED me. At least I will never have daughter in laws that are envious of the time their husbands want to spend with their mother, lol.

My deceased husband and my current husband both keep/kept in touch with their moms on phone at least once a week, I find that very endearing and reassuring and hope that when my sons are older, Mom will once again make the top 10 list and communications will become more often.

You say you didnt grow up with a "normal" family, haha, what is normal? Kids are kids, they are gonna do what they are gonna do I suppose.. but it will all come out in the wash one day.... guaranteed!

T.

Greetings Page,
I have 5 children and 3 are very healthy robust and active men! I also have several "foster sons" that are great young men as well. My daughters are more likely to be avoiding home front than my sons.
Each of my sons lived in and out of the home from the age of 20-26. The resons were varied but I will say that when they moved out they had saved enough money to buy a home.
I can honestly tell you that my sons are so different it is amazing. I have had people ask me if one of my birth sons was a foster child since he is so differnt from the other 4. But I am here to tell you that he and his brothers will do things together on their own and like to spend time together. One is a police officer, and one is a hunter, so they like to go to the fireing range a lot together. I would rather they spend time together developing a seperate relationship as friends than just as brothers. I have to say that one son tells me that he was worried that I wanted to keep him a child instead of an adult with his own views and thoughts that really differ from what he was raised with. So I have had to learn to respect that and bend so that he is comfortable.We don't always have to agree but we still love one another.
My husband was ill for many years before his passing away. The son that lived in England for 2 years called about once a month and wrote often, he now is having a hard time coming home because he misses his father so much, but is wonderful about texting me messages. I have another son that has a long commute home and works terrible hours, sometimes we will talk the entire 2 hour way home. He is such an interesting man that I respect. He comes home often and makes sure that his children spend time with me and the Great-Grandparents. The youngest is busy with school and doing his thing-- but will make time to eat dinner here at home as often as he can. He is even good about going placess with me so I am not alone. I have the same respectful relationship with my extra sons. I know that they are all busy and have a life of their own but often they will stop by and bring the children for a visit or I hear from them thru the mail. So I guess what I am telling you is-- as they change into men thier needs for home and mom don't end it is just different. I know that as long as I respect thier right to do things their way( & yes, I do tell them when I don't like it but I only do it at my home never at theirs) we will have a relationship that will be der and grow in many new ways, and once they married they did have less time to be here as they were now responsible for their own little families so I show them respect for that as well.
I do want to tell you tht my husband was always close to his parents and we always lived near them, I have one brother in law that will call his parents & lived only 2 hours away yet won't visit at all, and one that comes from out of state as often as possible to see his parents. I hope this answers your question and will help you as you make new relationships with your sons as men and not boys. Nana Glenda

Daughters are normally more likely to visit a lot and spend time with her parents. Sons are not. My son and I were very close as he grew up but once he got on his own, he just didn't hang out as much with me (I was a single parent). Then he joined the Marine Corps and he wrote home a lot and called. But once he got out of the service, he had his own life and rarely called or came to visit. Eventually, he was married and although they didn't have kids for 10 years, they really didn't come around much. With kids, I probably see them more than before and he does call me on a regular basis. I also feel that since I am getting older, it is important for him to call and visit a bit more.

Unfortunately, this is normal behavior for sons. He did and does come to family gatherings though... I am very proud of him for his successes in life. And, I just accept the fact that when I see him, I see him and am thankful for that time.

Hi Page, I have a son who is 22 and a daughter who is 26. They both still live at home. My son works full time and goes to school full time. My daughter graduated from college but is going back. She works 2 jobs. They are like night and day. My daughter loves to spend time with us for family functions, however my son would rather be with his friends. I think all kids are different, but it does hurt your feelings. Last year was the first Christmas eve my son spent with his girlfriend. I think his grandparents have only seen him twice this year. It is hard, but hopefully they will realize how important family is. I think there is a time where you just have to let them learn that on their own. I know times are different now. When I was growing up, I had no choice. I had to go to all the family things, so of course I want my kids to do the same. I probably am not much help, but I do know how you feel. I hope you have a Happy Holiday season.

Dear Page,

My son is my only child; his father had a child with someone else so I am happy that my son has a brother.

He is grown and on his own now. Though we don’t see each other weekly, we communicate on a regular basis my phone or email. I would characterize us as close, he attends major family functions, not as an obligation but as something he looks forward to. He always does special things on Mother’s Day, birthday, and sometimes for no reason at all.

If I feel like I need to see him just to spend a little time together (lunch, dinner or just watching a ball game), I call him and we get together. He does the same with me.

This year we had two Thanksgiving dinners, the family gathering and then on Friday he had a dinner at his home, which I attended, for friends who have no family around. I think, I may have met his future wife, something I’ve been looking forward to.

To make a long story longer, yes grown children have a way of making their way back to the family…especially if you had a good relationship while they were growing up.

I personally don’t know what “normal” is because I’ve seen some pretty dysfunctional families that have the mother, father and 3.5 children, job, house, dog, etc., that weren’t what I would call “normal”, but did everything they could just to look that way.

I raised my son on my own, but had family near by and lots of good friends and roll models both male and female. We had our disagreements (some big ones), but he turned out to be a really good man…and I thank God for that.

To me you seem like a very levelheaded woman, good person and loving mother.

Blessings….

I don't think you can say boys will do one thing and girls the other. . . a lot depends on the type of kid they were, whether they were EVER into the family gatherings. I found when my son was in his mid-twenties, he went through a period when he wanted to separate a little and establish his own life. Although he returned for the big family events, he visited less often. Since he's been married and now has a 1-year old, he realizes the importance of family and wants to make thos warm memories for his own child. There are lots more "just because" visits and he often initiates the larger family events. My girls, although they are both different in their closeness to the family, still want the holidays to be just like they were when they were kids, no changes. During the rest of the year (they are both mid-20s) one is very involved with family, the other less so. Be patient --- it seems those kids who take a step back seem to change their minds when they have families of their own. Also when they reach a certain age, their values tend to return to the basics.

Hello,
I am a 36 year old mother with 8 yr old little girl. I've been a 20 year old kid that wanted to hang out with my friends and party, but when it comes down to holidays, my parents's b-day, their anniversary, and other occasions I was with my family. I also grew up in a traditional Korean family foundation. I have great relationship with my parents and there's nothing I wouldn't do for my parents!! On other hand, my husband has 3 kids from his previous marraiage, his kids are all 20 and up, and don't give damm about him at all. no one calls for his b-day, holidays, and much less father's day. Only time they call when they run out of money or they are in some kind of financial problems. I think it has a lot to do with your parenting whether your kids want to be in your life or not. Our kids are no longer kids, they become an adults and have life of their own. sometimes they forget what's truly important and we as parents need to teach our kids when they are very young how important and valuable family are!!!