My mother in-law and I haven't been on great terms since the birth of our first child 6 yrs ago. She was so excited and so focused about being a grandparent for the first time that I think she forgot that my husband and I were becoming parents for the first time. In any event, things have not been good between us. We've tried to talk about it; but she can't/won't see my point of view. She stayed with us uninvited for 6 weeks after the birth of our first child. It was HELL for me. I had trouble nursing and all I could hear was that I wouldn't let her hold her grandchild. She's completely focused on how she feels. I find her to be intrusive and she tries to be "mother" instead of grandmother. I've also learned over these 6 years that she is really a dishonest person. That's a little bit of the background.
Here's the question, she wants to start this year visiting us during the Christmas holiday. The Christmas visits would be every other year. Our children are still the only grandchildren in my husband's family. My MIL lives out of state. She visits every summer for 1 week and stays with us. So in addition to the summer visits, she now wants to add the holiday visit. I do not want to spend my Christmas with her. I like having Christmas morning with just us. It's our tradition to open presents when the kids wake up and we're usually in our pajamas. We also have a special breakfast together before going to my mother's house to join the rest of my family for dinner. The kids play with their cousins at my mother's and it's just a really good time. How do I tell my husband that I don't want this visit? I have a hard enough time dealing with her in the summer. I literally have to tune her out to keep my sanity during the summer visit. I feel bad for my husband b/c his family is scattered all over the U.S. so he doesn't get to see them all at the same time unless there is a wedding or a graduation. It's been this way for him since I've known him (15 yrs). We use to travel to his home state to visit during the holiday but when we started to have children, we decided that it would be best for the children to be home on Christmas. So, we traveled to his family on Thanksgiving. Then more of his family started relocating from his home state and we stopped b/c it didn't make sense.
I've suggested to my husband that my MIL come on Thanksgiving instead of Christmas. He said she wants to come for Christmas. What do I do? I feel like I'm the "party" of 'No" when it comes to her. I've had to say no to other things before b/c she just takes over. She doesn't ask, she "tells" us when she's coming; she makes inappropriate purchases for the kids, my daughter, especially; she can sometimes make negative comments to the kids; etc, etc.
My husband is mild mannered so I feel like I have to bring things to his attention. He handles it when I do b/c he'd rather be the one to talk to her. She told the kids that she's coming for Christmas although my husband and I had not finalized it. He mentioned it to me, but it was not definite - at least from my perspective. I'm feeling like b/c his family is not here during any of the holidays, that I should go along. But honestly, I don't want to and it gets in the way of our Christmas morning tradition.
Thanks so much to everyone who responded! Some of the responses made me laugh hard and others caused me to really give some more thought to my MIL and husbands feelings. Ultimately I decided to take the advice that many of you suggested and I asked that she come the day after Christmas or even on Christmas day but later in the day - that way I get our time with my hubby and kids and she still gets to spend the holiday with them. Although my husband understood and agreed with me, he's
afraid that either solution will hurt my MIL's feelings. Because I could see how visibly uncomfortable he was with the whole thing, I told him that I could let it go this year if he just can't "stand to disappoint her" - but he has to let her know that our traditions are important to us and Christmas day in the future is out. We're still talking discussing it so he hasn't spoken to her yet. We'll see what happens.....
If you let her come now then she is just going to try and push her way in more. I would have her come the day after till new years.
I ditto the visit from Dec. 26th to Jan 2. Then you get your family time and so does your husband. Have lots of stuff planned so that you don't have to do very much with her.
Despite how you feel about your mother in law, I don't see how her presense gets in the way of the Christmas morning tradition. My father in law sometimes comes for Christmas, staying a week, and we go ahead and do our opening of presents in our p.j.'s, make a special breakfast and go to church (Grandpa even follows along with this; even though he is not religious).
I think that especially during this special season, you need to be the 'adult' in the situation and welcome her into your home. I am giving this advise from the perspective of someone who does also have a difficult in law situation. (My mother can be very difficult (negative, complaining, critical, etc.....) and my husband gets to celebrate every holiday with her and never complains. Combining my husband's father and my mother makes an interesting combination but we focus on the children and remind ourselves what Christmas really is celebrating.
Could you invite her for after Christmas until New Year Eve. Its a bit of a comprimise.
I would try to look at it this way. You're lucky enough to have your family close by all year long. I, personally don't think a O.-week visit every other year is too much to allow you husband and kids to see their parents/grandparents.
I wish I could contain mine to 2 weeks per year!
I just read through all your answers. Bridgett B has some excellent ideas. Amanda and Denise also offer some excellent ideas.
I had a problem with my in-laws. Funny thing was that my wife was the ONLY girl I dated whose parents didn't absolutely love me. One girl that told me she wouldn't marry me, the mom actually chewed her daughter out for saying "No."
I just chose to love my mother and father in law to death. I gave them flowers when they gave me "manure". I complemented them when they disparaged me. When they needed financial help, I helped, even though they constantly critized my frugal habits. I invited them over for Christmas and holidays and then told my FIL he couldn't smoke in my house because I promised my wife, his daughter, no one would ever smoke in my house. I told my MIL & FIL what the rules were in my home during their visits and they sometimes grumbled, but things were tolerable. I'm now my MIL's favorite SIL. But my FIL never came around. (If you look up stubborn in the dictionary, his name is the second example. ;-) ) He was still cussing me on his death bed. But each of his sons each came up to me later, in private, and apologized for their father's comments (Major victory!).
You can change your MIL, but you have to change your attitude towards her. Throw her boquets when she throws you bricks. Write the rules down that will be for your home. Rules for your mom AND his mom! Tell her what you expect for Christmas. i.e.: No criticism without complement. You said she makes inappropriate purchases . . . you didn't say what was inappropriate. Tell her what the rules are and make suggestions to her about what is "appropriate" and what is not. If she bought wash-off tattoos and you don't want to encourage tattoos, then tell her. I bet she can't read your mind. ;-)
If it takes this, just pretend she has $3 Billion dollars in the bank which she is trying to give away. Be nice. "Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice." She must have done something right. You married the son she raised.
Good Luck to you and yours,
&
I hope you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS ! ! !
I have a pretty contentious relationship with my MIL too, so I see where you're coming from. As I was reading this, I was thinking that you need to suck it up and be the bigger person. But then I thought of my MIL coming for Christmas and it made my stomach churn! So here's my thought, what if she comes right after Christmas instead... like the day or week after. Explain to her that you have some traditions of Christmas morning that you would like to keep special for just you guys, but you really do want her to come so how about the day after Christmas instead. I think this is a win/win. You get to have your morning alone, and she'll still get to see the kids while Christmas is still fresh in their minds.
Another plus, if she's here for New Year's, you and your husband could go out and have a built-in babysitter.
Good luck, I feel really bad for you- from one tortured daughter in law to another :)
From the sound of things our mothers-in-law are quite similar, so I really understand where you are coming from, but I think you may have to go along with allowing her to visit. Are you really prepared to tell your husband that he can't spend Christmas with his mother? Don't forget that by doing so you are denying your kids time with grandma at Christmas. At the same time, I think you should sit down with your husband and let him know how important your family traditions are to you, and that while you will be welcoming to his mother while she visits, you would appreciate his help in making sure she understands that those traditions are not changing and non-negotiable. She is welcome to join you and participate, but not to run her own agenda.
You may want to start working on some boundaries with this woman now, since she is going to be a part of your family and your life for the foreseeable future. I say this not to criticize you or be harsh, but because after nearly a decade of fighting with my own MIL this is what I have learned. We don't fight anymore, and since I've learned to be more assertive of my position as my child's mother and my husband's wife, without being confrontational or disrespectful, she has made positive changes in her behavior as well. We don't always agree, but we get along and even enjoy each other. If you are willing to work on the relationship, you likely can have visits with your MIL that don't make you crazy, and maybe even are pleasant. It's not easy, but for your sake as well as your family's, its worth it.
Good luck!!
There are more people involved in this situation than just you and the MIL. How does your husband feel? I know that my mom can be difficult and that my husband tolerates her presence, but I would be very resentful if he ever told me that my mom could not be a part of at least some of our holidays. How much time does your mother get to spend with the grandchildren? Does your husband mind going to his in-laws every year on christmas day? I think it is unfair that your family is part of the Christmas tradition and he is practically alienated from his family. I grew up being very close to both sets of my grandparents and it was a really wonderful experience. Imagine what it would be like when your children get married and have children and you are told that the SIL or DIL does not want to have you around. When you marry a person, you marry their family too. You need to find a way to make it work.
First, I TOTALLY understand how you feel. We host most Holidays at our house. Unfortunatly, I think you're going to have to bite the bullet on this one and let her come. I in no way want this to sound rude, but, it's not just about you, it's about your kids. I'm sure they probably look forward to the very few times that they get to see her and it's good for them to have relationships with family (even if sometimes that family acts inappropriatly or not how we would like). That being said, I wouldn't change plans or go overboard for her. You have your set schedule for Christmas and she needs to know (by your hubby) what that scedule is and that's what will be going on - she is not to come and try to run the show her way or her agenda. Be super nice to her, but also stick to your guns - like if she wants to give the kids candy 30 min before dinner - it's "no" and that's that because you're their mother. I would still go to your mother's and she's welcome to come or stay home at your place and take a nap!!!
How about she comes but does not stay with you. Do something special w/ her on Christmas Eve (maybe exchange gifts with her then). I would personally let her come over also on Christmas...let her see her grandkids open their presents and have breakfast too. She doesn't really see them that often and it is every other year.
We have an open invitation to our parents and other family members, they can come on Christmas Day (even when we've visited them the night before) but if they want us they have to come to us.
Gosh, I can so sympathize with you. if i were to be told my MIL will come stay with us for xmas i think i'd die. i wouldn't know what to do. i think your compromise is fair, she gets t-giving one year (but here's the catch) every other year let her have xmas, while that year you spend t-giving with your family. i think i would agree to this ONLY for my husband's sake. i hope you can come to an agreement
good luck
J.,
I can make a suggestion that will give you a year reprieve or maybe forever if your husband’s mother decides to be stubborn.
Your husband should be the one to deliver the news but if he can’t it’s up to you. Tell her she is welcome to come for Thanksgiving this year but you have already made plans with your family for Christmas this year. Next year you’ll do Thanksgiving with them and she can come for Christmas.
Blessings...
i would still tell her no! and leave it at that. if she comes during the summer and thanksgiving that;s sounds reasonable and you have a right to say when you want people in your home especially people that you are just tolerating. so i say stick to your guns! good luck
How about sitting down with your husband, and maybe agreeing that the day after Christmas she can visit. That way you don't have to stop the tradition you already have for Christmas day, but all the decorations and tree is still up for your MIL, so it would still "feel" like Christmas?
We switch holidays with our family, but next year I definately want to stay home. Growing up we did the same things you posted about. We stayed in our pajamas, ate a special breakfast together and so on. Doing all those things sort of made the day or me. I would just express to your husband how important it is to you, and that you don't want to exclude your MIL, just celebrate with her on another day.
Good Luck!
You must limit the time. I would say the day AFTER Christmas which will be busy for traveling and maybe discourage her.
Once you give in, she will not accept no without a major fight.
I am married to her nephew;-) LOL
Like some of the others, I can totally relate. You have to set boundaries or it won't stop and you will become miserable and it will start to affect your marriage. It is so important that you and your husband are on the same page and are able to support 100% the decisions you and he come up with. Right, wrong or indifferent, it is your decision and your choice. Therefore, your boundary!
My husband and I tried to be nice and give my MIL her way, and she took full advantage. After 12 years of marriage countless arguments, we finally have stopped talking to her completely. This is sad, but necessary to save her sanity and ours.
She needs to respect your decisions as a family. If she can't do that, she isn't welcome.
one week out of 104 doesn't sound too bad, every other christmas would be ok with me - but I have a wonderful mil - yes she can intrude, but mostly she either doesn't mean to, or has everyone's best interests at heart, mostly I will tell her gently that I appreciate her advice, but I am going to do such and such instead.
even 2 weeks out of the year leaves you 50 weeks of no mil time to spend with your family - you could ask her to come from the day after christmas until new year instead as a compromise.
