Money & Marriage

well,my husband makes the money but we make ALL decisions together and its not just his money, it's for both of us.

We make the decisions together. We both work fulltime and even if we didn't money should be handeled equally.

My husband makes the money and we both spend it. No rules here and he never questions what I spend money on.

I do not agree with "I make the money, I make the rules." That is very controlling and does equate to an equal partnership that marriage is/should be. However, if you have lavish shopping sprees and spend more money than your husband makes, buy too many clothes, buy Starbucks every day and creating debt, that is an entirely different situation. You didn't give us any infomation about your financial situation, if money is tight, if you are irresponsible with money, etc. But if you are responsible with money and are not doing any of those things I listed, then I agree with you and your husband is being unfair and controlling. I heard a phrase once that I loved (I think in a movie), which is "You make the money, but we both earn it." So true!!!

my husband says he makes the money and i get to spend it!!! we both make the rules!!!

We are a military family. My hubby is Army and I'm a SAHM. I pay all the bills and am in charge of our budget. This is the only system that works for us because of the nature of his job (long absences, long work days, etc). My husband and I don't nit pick each others spending. He knows how much easier his life is because I stay at home (& therefore does not resent that I don't contribute monetarily) and I appreciate that he works hard for the money :) We discuss big purchases and we have equal say in those. While I am in charge of day to day stuff, he is in charge of big picture finances (stocks, IRAs, life insurance) because he finds that stuff fun and he has an MBA lol. This system works for us really well.

I make the money. We make the rules! My husband doesn't work OUTSIDE THE HOME, but certainly the effort he puts into childcare, cooking, cleaning, maintaining our home, doing all the yardwork, taking care of the cars, doing all the shopping, and being the all-around go-to guy when it comes to home stuff gives him just as much say as I have in how our money is spent. He is also the budget-keeper/bill payer/investment researcher. If I want to buy something expensive, I would talk to him about it, and vice versa. We share a lot of common financial goals so that makes it easier to be on the same page. I know lots of couples are not as fortunate as we are.

I don't agree with the statement, I think it's too harsh and implies a controlling situation.

But, when one spouse stays home, I think it's really important that there's an understanding (moreso than when both work) of expectations, roles, responsibilities. Because it can become really murky with regard to who does what and who handles what. The one going to work might work themselves into a fit thinking the one at home is just being a couch potato.

I'm the finance person, in the sense that I had more experience being independent and working and managing money when I entered into the relationship with my husband. I was given a checkbook, an account, taught money managing skills from a very early age, whereas my husband was not. So I kind of naturally took the role of finance person, not to mention I worked in finance related fields for many years...

However, we share everything, all accounts are joint and joint access, all money is shared, this is a partnership and we view it that way. Granted it does make surprises harder, but also encourages honesty about spending. My husband works full time, the money gets distributed each pay period to various accounts, all bills are done through electronic bill pay. If a large purchase is going to be made, the decision is made together. And we do have a budget of sorts since we're working on paying off debt. I do most all the grocery shopping, toiletry and gift shopping, but we always talk about monthly expenditures and set limits together.

I think you'd be hard pressed to find any woman who agrees with that statement. My husband makes the money. He is a saver and I'm a spender, so he monitors the money. I get $380 a week to spend however I see fit - groceries, eating out, clothes, etc. (It's harder to spend frivolously when you're actually handing over cash). But that's just so I don't go crazy. If i need/want something that is outside the allowance, it's not a big deal and I just put it on the cc and let him know. Any purchases he makes over $100 he tends to discuss with me first.

Because you are a stay at home wife and or Mom you probably support your husband as much as he supports you but in an intangible way. Yes it is easier to put a value on his contribution but when you consider all you do, your contribution may be more valuable in the long term.

If you were not there, who would run the household and raise the children? How could he be the best he can be at work if he has concerns about his family at home? You are his support team and the glue of the family . If he had to worry about homework, laundry, doctor appointments, social obligations, cooking, cleaning just when would he have the time?

Do not sell yourself short! I husband and wife are meant to be equal participants in all aspects of marriage. You should be an active participant in handling the money with your husband.

My husband and I married right after college. We both had jobs and opened one bank account. We have always been on the same page as far as money is concerned (saving, spending, etc). We've been married 10 years and I've been a SAHM for the last 5. We still have the same account. I handle all day-to-day expenses and bills. He handles the investments. I can honestly say in 10 years we've NEVER had a fight about money. And, if anything, I make the rules--and none of the money. And, I've never felt like it was "his" money--even when I worked he made more than me.

Exactly like Carrie W said, he makes the money for our family. I stay home while the children are young for our family. Because we grew up playing sports, and both had kinda weak family examples, we view family as a "team". We work together, we play together, we go after the same goals together. There's an awesome book that we read together when I was pregnant for our first child called the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, which I would suggest for all families.
We separately wrote out what was important to us and what we really wanted out of life, for our family, what our core priorities were, then brought those together and discussed them and made a family plan. Money is not emotional or special, it is a mere tool. An important tool, but a tool nonetheless. It is combined with other tools we have in our marriage and within ourselves to create the life we want.
All that said: we do things a little differently than the current money gurus advise. We both ALWAYS must have cash on hand (it's a "law" and one of the only things I could get "in trouble" for with my husband if I fail to do). I think this was a basic rule of thumb for emergencies (some people don't take credit cards, what if we were in an accident and needed a ride or something, but then more seriously after Hurricane Katrina when we went a couple weeks without being able to purchase with a card or get anything out of the bank because lines were down)....however, we almost NEVER use cash. We have a specific amount of cash on hand for each of us at all times, but it just kinda stays there. We use the credit card (just one account that we both have a card for) for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that allows payment with a card (basically everything but the mortgage). That's because it's super easy to track where everything goes, and 2% of everything we spend on that card goes back to our 529 college fund. To us, that's much better than air miles or "cash back".
We created a budget together by looking at 6 months of bills/expenses to see what was realistic, then setting our goals to "fix" some of those bills/expenses, we made the budget and live within our means. We had been living on that budget successfully for a few months and then knew we could just do the same thing we always do (now a habit) and move safely to that credit card. I check up on it one day a week to track where we're at in relation to the budget, but it's pretty much the same all the time so not hard. My husband can look anytime he wants (shared password) at the bank account or the credit card account, which he does maybe once every month or two. He does the taxes and long term planning (retirement accounts, etc) while I do the day to day. I keep all receipts in a file box, divided by months. I have a little thing on the desk that he can toss any qualifying receipts into and I'll file them away on the day that I scheduled in my weekly routine to deal with it. There's trust. We don't have a set allowance, but kind of "money in mind", we can go out to lunches or buy little things here and there but don't really take the time to do that too much. I almost always pack lunches but about 1 day a week he'll go get Thai food for lunch, and I'll go with a friend or 2 to lunch, or take the kids to a movie or bounce house.
If either of us is going to spend $100 on something that is not normal or out of the ordinary, we let the other person know. We don't have to ask permission though, because there's trust. We just talk about it, or ask what someone thinks. We refuse to let money be a stress. Life has its own stressors...we don't need to add money to the mix.
A couple times, when we were wanting to go to Europe for a month or preparing for our second child, or before a big surprise birthday bash that I was throwing for him, I did do other things for extra money, either at home or when husband was home to take care of the boys. A 10 hour/week part time job at Babies R Us for a discount on items we needed as well as some money to squirrel away for his surprise party, or providing inhome childcare for a couple children so that my son could have playmates and I could use all the money I made to create 6 months of savings and help knock out all the debt we carried (except the mortgage, we remain debt free). Once we get a little more settled into our new home, I will likely provide childcare again to save for some specific projects (fun money for an upcoming vacation, savings towards our next car, etc). But that's what goes on with money in our house. It worked this way when I was working full time at the beginning of our marriage, and works the same way now that I'm a sahm (or mostly sahm).

I'm the working mom, my husband the SAHD.

I let him take care of the bills and paycheck because he is much more organized than I am when it comes to money. We have a joint account and use it freely for things we need to sustain the family. We comunicate with each other on the splurging. We have never had a problem or arguement about money.

I made most of the money. We both decide what we can afford. My husband now handles the direct paying of the bills (it helped him be aware of exactly where we are financially).

Whatever works for your relationship is how it should be -- but it needs to work for BOTH of you. Money should not equal power.

We follow Dave Ramsey -- where both of you should agree where your money is spent and how it is saved. You are in the marriage together -- you should agree on your money/goals together, as well.

I see you have a ton of answers already, but I had to give my two cents also. :) My husband and I have very different ideas of spending/saving money. Therefore, we don't share our funds very often. We each have our own bank accounts and then one joint checking account. We each put the same amount of money into the joint account each month and that is what pays for our house and utilities. I pay for daycare. He pays for groceries/food. We each take care of our own car payments, student loans and credit cards. My husband makes a little more than I do, so he normally picks up any time of entertainment type expenses. We have done this for 7 years now and it works out. Of course there are times when one of us wants something that we just don't have the funds for and the other spouse will chip in. We always discuss major expenses, but other than that, we are on our own. I honestly believe this system has kept us from not having many disagreements.

He works for money for our family. I stay home for our family. We shop/spend for our family.

Both my husband and I work full time but I actually make significantly more money than him. I have always controlled the checkbook as I'm more responsible with money than he is. Even if I didn't work, I would never let another person have total control over my finances. That's the type A in me, though.

Money is spent on what is a priority in ones life. That is the truth in general. People that are vain spend it on expensive things like cars and boats, while those that care about family spend it on the kids and mom. We agree on everything we buy. He gets the trump card but that is because as a Christian I really believe that my husband is the head of the house and someday he will have to stand in front of God and explain why we did every little thing we did as a family. (My husband believe that too, so the decisions are not rash ones.)

My hubby works FT and I work PT. We have all our money in one account, and my hubby pays our bills (he's an accountant and more organized like that). We each have credit cards and debit cards of course and I don't have to "ask for permission" or anything stupid like that. Neither of us are very spendy, our money is very tight, and we are on a pretty strict budget. We have a general agreement that any major expense we would clear with the other first. Like, my husband is an avid mtn biker, he would not go purchase a new $2000 bike without talking to me. And I wouldn't go spend $500 shopping for clothes without talking to him but general things like buying some new clothes for myself or the kids for summer etc. $100 here or there - is never something we need to discuss first or anything. We don't fight about money - we do stress over lack of it but we are not disagreeing with one another, just trying to make more and spend less! :-) Hope this helps you.

My husband and I both work full time. We each have our own accounts- having both had very negative previous experiences with "joint accounts". We each have bills we are responsible for. We take turns paying when we go out. Small things we buy without discussing (him- sports stuff, etc., me- clothes, etc) and we both spend on his daughter. We do have a "house savings account" that contains money my mom gifted to us and extra insurance money we had left after we got the depreciation back when we had our roof replaced. This money is spent on things we both agree on- lumber for a new deck, a new fridge when the old one died, etc, and is our emergency fund.
Now, my younger sister and her husband are the exact opposite. They both work, but he is a spender and she is a saver. They have a joint account and pretty much gets an allowance. She makes sure all the bills are paid and keeps an eye on the rest.

I work part-time and he works full-time, but we've always had the stance that the money is OUR money no matter who makes what. If you get into a situation where one person gets to spend more or dictate how everything is spent because they make more, you've entered into the relationship competitive black hole. It's heading for total disaster. That's like starting a tally of who does more around the house...there's no winning that one because each person inevitably feels like what they do is harder, more important, more time consuming.

Anyway the only successful way to handle this that I've found is to look at your overall income. Break out your fixed expenses, like mortgage, property taxes, property insurance, and auto insurance/expenses like car registration. Budget how much you should spend on groceries for the month. Then the rest can be "other," like stops for coffee, toys for the kids, pedicure for you, whatever. If you tag each expense as you spend it as one of the categories above, you can see exactly how much you've spent in each category for the month and how much you have left in each category per your budget. That way it's not like free-for-all spending with no idea where the money is actually going.

But you HAVE to agree on the amounts for the budget. If you can't agree on that, it's going to be impossible not to fight about it.

Anyway we use mint.com - it's AMAZING for tracking expenses. Basically you link your bank accounts and credit cards in there so when you write a check, go to the ATM, or use your credit card, it shows up on there and you "tag" each expense into whatever category it goes in. It automatically tallies how much you have left to spend for the month in each category.

Good luck. It only took my husband and I about 12 years to get to this point where we don't fight about money anymore! I wish I had discovered mint.com much sooner.

Not at all, he makes the money but i make the rules. I pay the bills, so I know what money needs to go where, I also am responsible for the shopping, the things the kids need as well as their activities. When he decides he wants to handle any of that he can have some say in things, but until then he has to check with me before spending.

Our home, our family, our marriage, our money, period. If he doesn't know what your worth, show him job postings for nannies, housekeepers, personal shoppers, etc. Hopefully he's young and naive and just doesn't "get it." I hope you can work it out, remember, you are partners!

marriage is suppose to be base on confidence and trust!!!! once a person gets married everything they do now belong to eachother, no matter who makes more or less, everything is equal in a marriage. if a person doesnt wanna share why get married? you know i believe everything should be equal in a marriage no matter what the others say!!!

My husband and I each have our own bank accounts. We also have one account we each deposit a preset amount of money into to pay the bills we share... house payment, utilities, groceries, daycare. The rest of our paychecks go into our own accounts and that is our money to do whatever we want to do with. When we go out my husband always pays (unless I decide to treat him) since he makes more money than I do. If there is a large purchase we want to make we talk about it and decide if it is something we both want and if so we split the cost. We really like the way we have the money set up, this way neither of us has to feel like we need "permission" to buy something special or do something that is going to cost extra money since it is our own personal money.

My hubby is an accountant so he's in charge of paying bills, balancing the checkbook, etc. (when I balanced the checkbook he'd go bananas if I was a FEW cents off & I'm talking less than a dime!). We both work & there have been times in our marraige when I was laid off or he was. We have always made decisions together ~ no matter if 1 or both of us were/are bringing in money. We have a joint account & everything is payed from there. Granted I do all of the grocery/school shopping, stuff the kids need, gifts at holidays, etc. Our big ticket items (i.e. furniture, a new roof, etc.) we discuss before we buy.

I'm a SAHM, while my husband works and is in grad school. I handle all expenditures- he has enough to deal with!

Absolutely disagree with "I make the money, I make the rules." Currently husband and I make about the same amount of money. Everything goes into a joint bank account. My husband pays the bills (he likes it, I don't) but we discuss every major purchase, I review the bills and taxes, etc. This summer I'm going to stop working and be a stay at home mom for a while. We'll handle our finances exactly the same as we do now.

We both work full time. We recently (2 or 3 years) set up a joint account out of which we pay house and child care bills. Before that (25 years) we just took turns paying for the house/joint bills. Otherwise, I pay for what I buy, he pays for what he buys. We make the same amount (equal partners in a business) and it has never been an issue.

I think being a SAHM would be a really tricky thing financially. Both partners are contributing to the family but not in financially equivalent ways. Does DH put equivalent amounts of money into each of your retirement accounts? Just curious.

Absolutely NOT!! You're working too. Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you're not working! How'd he like doing all you do? What you contribute to the family is valuable. If your husband is controlling about the money, he is not respecting you and the job you do.

My DH and I sit down together before the 1st of every month and spend all the money on paper for the month. How much we'll need for bills and what's coming up (like a birthday or school pictures) We make decisions TOGETHER because marriage is a partnership. If one spouse controlls all the money, it's more like a parent -child relationship.

One more opinion. We both work but I make more as take home but the health insurance is through his work as are many other benefits for our family. Our money goes in a joint pot and we discuss most decisions with each other. Our system is probably strange but we discuss spending money on anything that is not a routine purchase. We don't really veto anything that the other wants to buy, but we just discuss it out of respect for each other. Fortunately, we are both fairly frugal and are bargain hunters which helps us.

When I was a sahm I handled the money. Hubby deposited his check into the bank and that was that, I paid the bills and did the grocery shopping and then knew how much was left over for folly and let him be aware of what we had.
My husband and I currently make the same amount, I'm still the bill payer and the one in charge of the budget. We are both aware of what we have and know that you must respect each other enough to discuss the spending of it wisely. You cant have secrets or splurges when it comes to the family money.
From what I read on here quite often, a lot of the ladies are not in charge of the family budget. I would not be comfortable with that at all. Some men dont trust the wife to be in charge of the money tho.... and I'm not sure how you work around that. I was blessed with two husbands that didnt want to be the budget keeper and gave me control.

I make more money than my husband but we agreed (when we married) that I'd handle paying all the bills. I asked him how we wanted to handle it as I'm pretty anal when it comes to finances and he's more laid back and he asked if I wanted to do it all and I said YEP! So that worked out easily!

We agreed upon a set amount of money we each get per week (for spending it on whatever we want) and any major purchases - usually over $50 we consult each other before spending it.

If he wants to get me something or for holidays/birthdays, he'll use his credit card so I don't see the purchase until after the event.

When something changes as in how much we want to put into savings or towards a credit card or car payment, we discuss and then decide where we want the extra money to go.

If we get extra money (taxes, unexpected money) we usually each give ourselves a little bit then put the rest in savings.

My husband is the only one that makes money. That wasn't always true, but what has always been the case is it is OUR money. No trouble at all with that approach through our nine years of marriage. We do have separate bank accounts, but money is constantly transferred back and forth. We also don't spend very much on things that we BOTH don't need or our kids don't need, so individual spending isn't quite an issue with us... my husband DOES do most of the spending as an individual when we DO spend money, but it is due to the fact that 95% of the money is given back into the business that he owns by himself, and runs it by himself. Money, in the spending/sharing sense has never been a prob with us. Not even for a second- not one single argument.

My husband makes a little more than I do when we add his retirement in, so we both make about the same. I handle the money, but he absolutely has as much say in the money as I do. I make sure all of the bills are paid and what is left over we decide together how it gets spent. If he ever tried to tell me how to spend the money he knows how that would go...and not well!

Only my hubby works right now. I'm being a SAHM for a few years. We both are equal partners with money - no one makes the rules. We pay all our bills/mortgage. I do most of the rest of the spending (groceries, gas, etc). If either of us wants to make a "big" purchase we have to both agree.

We separate checking and saving accts. Hubby pays house payment, car insurance and occasionnaly the sitter. I pay the phone, electric, water and trash. WE each pay our own credit card bills and car payment type stuff. all the big things like furniture, depending on who wants it pays for it. I do not believe in "I make the money, I make the rules" ONce in a while I come up short on funds and need to have the husband get my back.

Sorta...but not like that. My husband is a contractor, our income varies. The reason he sorta makes the rules is because he's the one working & signing contracts, so he's the one that knows what our income is going to be weekly. We have separate bank accounts, his is business & mine is the families. But they are in each of our names. We discuss together what bills need to paid, what the children need, the household needs, etc. He gives me an "allowance" for that week. I pay the bills, take care of the household, & everything above & beyond that, is mine to use however i want.

I don't agree with the "Golden Rule" - as in "Whomever has the gold makes the rules!" But I can see where if one person is a saver and one is spender, the saver might have to be in control more so that things don't potentially get out of hand. On the other hand, some people can be control freaks when it comes to spending anything.

My husband and I are unique in that I am the breadwinner and right now he is the stay-at-home parent (DD is 3). He also has 2 teenage sons from his first marriage that live with their mom. The agreement that we have is that I give him the money he needs to pay his child support, as well as "fun money" that he can use however he wants. He's not much of a spender anyway, so it's not like he's going out buying designer clothes or getting massages or anything (he does like his cigars though, so that is what his spending money is for). If he happens to put necessities on his credit card (like groceries or gas) it gets paid in full, and does not come out of his "fun money" fund. I make sure the bills are paid and if I want to get something for myself, I do it, but I don't go crazy. Anything that is going to be a bigger expense, like a vacation or a new car or home improvements, is discussed between us so if he puts something on his credit card, I'm not unaware of it and then freaking out later. I do the same thing if it is something I am paying for, like preschool tuition - I just give him a head's up.

It wasn't always like this. Before DD was born, we both were working and he was responsible for his child support, his own credit card bill, as well as contributing to our joint checking account "house fund" to pay the bills. Then just before DD was born he lost his job, so he's been the stay-at-home parent ever since. As far as stuff like cooking and cleaning, some days he's better about it than others - he has a tendency to get lazy and then I have to get on him about it. But I figure the money I give him makes up for DD not being in day care and if I have to work an overnight shift and catch up on sleep the next day, it's worth it just having him there to look after DD. We used to have a joint checking account but not anymore - with me making the money and paying the bills, it just didn't matter. We don't share any accounts or credit cards anymore.

When DH was married before, his wife was more of spendthrift. They both worked, but he just turned over his paycheck to her and trusted her to take care of the bills. But then when he wanted to sign up for college courses, or plan a family trip, the money was not there because she spent it non-stop on clothes for herself and getting acrylic nails done every week. He told me once that one week she spent $800 on clothes without telling him and she hid them in the closet so he wouldn't find out! So that is when he started getting upset and telling her that she couldn't be spending money like that anymore and she accused him of being a control freak (and thus began the downward spiral that eventually led to divorce...)

When we were kids, back in the 70s and early 80s, my dad worked and my mom stayed home with us until I turned 13, and then she decided to go back to work. When it was just my dad working, he made it really hard on my mom to spend anything. He made good money and we had a nice house, but he was just really tight with the money. He made all the decisions and he had my mom on a really strict budget - only this much for groceries, this much for gas, etc. She had no real spending money of her own. She had to ask him if she could get a new dress for an event they were going to and he told her sure, but then when he got the bill he freaked because it was "over budget" (though I suspect not by much!). My mom decided to finally get a job herself once we were older because she was sick and tired of being under such control all the time. My dad was not happy about it at first, since it meant she wasn't going to be totally under his thumb, but then decided it wasn't a bad thing since her working meant more money to put toward college for us. But at least my mom finally had an income of her own. My dad passed away in 2004, and after that is when my mother really started to go overboard with the spending. It was like without my dad to control it, she didn't know how to control herself. Now that I think about it, maybe that is why my dad was so controlling, because he knew how my mom could be. Mom passed away last year and we are in the middle of selling a lot of her things on Ebay because it's all brand-new shoes still in boxes, many of which look like she never even wore them - we are talking hundreds of pairs of shoes! Same thing with bags and purses. I seriously think she had a shopping addiction!

Sorry for the long reply, but I think it just illustrates that there are extremes on both sides and neither is healthy. There may be one person making "taxable income" but if you are married, it needs to belong to both of you, and each person needs to be responsible for their share - both money and work-load. And things like purchases and investments need to be discussed together.

We both bring home income, we have separate bank accounts, and we split the bills proportional to our respective incomes.

If my husband took that stance, then I'd be billing him for services rendered. And I mean ALL services. As it stands, he brings home the bacon and I fry it up. We work well together in regards to money, we have common goals and a similar view of money...

Personally, I think that what's his is mine and what's mine is mine...I mean his, lol.

The majority of our income comes from my husband. He pays the bills, and each month I tell him how much I need to shop...and that's how much he gives me. If I add 20 or so in there for myself, I'll tell him, and that's okay. If I happen to make some money, cleaning a house or from a book royalty, I spend it how I want...which is usually on something for the children, and that's okay too. I wouldn't want to pay the bills or be responsible right now...I've got enough to do!

Hubby makes the money, I only work PT and bring in very little money.
I am responsible for paying all the bills. We have a joint account and both have access to the $ any time we want it/need it. We have a great outlook on the $, it's OURS! Period. We make all our 'splurge' decisions together, like do we want that new TV, or etc.

~Hubby often jokes that 'what's yours is yours and what's mine is ours'....but that is just him being funny, we share and both are comfortable with it the way it is.

*I am not comfortable with the 'I make the money, I make the rules statement', sorry!