More Info: Need Advice on CIO from Those Who Have Tried It...

If he falls asleep ok crying, let him do it. Every kid does what is right for them but mine did stop crying after about two weeks.

I had a baby like that as well..She wanted to sleep in her own bed from day one, and didnt want to be messed with or fussed with at bedtime. Eventually I turned on one of her toys that played a lullaby and walked away..she was asleep within a few minutes. She is now 6 and still likes to have soft music at bedtime (she prefers Enya of all things!).

Hope that helps, I tried the CIO for a while, but ultimatly gave her her music back and we all get to sleep earler and with less stress!

I can resond to this both personally and professionally-- as a family therapist I use cognitive behavioral therapy, which came from behavioral therapy, which underlies much of the idea behind CIO. Also, as a mom, I did CIO with bothmy sons. From what you've said, it sounds like your son does better when you're not around-- I know with my older boy, he cried a lot less if I did not go in and check on him. Try to get a routine of 'this is how much soothing you get, then I'm leaving and that's that' because it is probably the desire to have you come back in that makes him cry more, instead of less. If you've removed all the rewards, a baby should cry X amount the first night, then X-plus-a-little the next night, as he attempts to see if just a bit more would get what he wants, then less and less each night after that till he can fall asleep without fussing.
Tell your daughter that your son needs to learn to fall asleep on his own, but he doesn't like his homework. Sympathize that it's hard to hear him cry, because you don't want him to be sad, and it's annoying-- she's probably thinking babies are a big pain right about now, and a little sympathy from you on that score can head off a bunch of sibling rivalry later.
Best of luck!
Z.

CIO seemed to work fine for us... If he wants you out, then why do you go in? Not sure I understand ..

My son (granted, he's not a baby anymore, he's in 1st grade) wants me to stay in his room until he falls asleep but I find that if I give in and do, he does not fall asleep for at least an hour!!!! But if I leave the room, he'll fall asleep quicker. He'll be too busy checking to see if I'm still there to allow himself to fall completely asleep. He needs it *boring* to go to sleep.

I have found with my child (and myself!) that when we get too tired at bed time, it takes forever to fall asleep. But if we go to bed at the time when our bodies are winding down and starting to show that we're tired, we'll fall asleep easily enough when the winding-down finishes while we're in bed and ready to sleep. If that makes sense??

I absolutely agree and encourage you to read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weisbluth. It was enormously helpful with all 4 of my boys and getting them to be happy, self-soothing sleepers who were happy because they were getting the sleep they need. It is worth investing the time to read it. Good luck.

I sometimes have times with my son when it seems like nothing I do helps and he just needs to settle himself (and cry). I hate it as a mother - its horrible to feel like you can't do anything for your child -but at the same time, if that's what he needs, it seems silly to try and 'soothe' him because its about me not him, then.

I agree that the healthy sleep habits happy child book has some really useful advice. Our son is 'textbook' and I don't know if we're just lucky or if the advice there really helped. He is 1 and goes to bed at 6 (sleeps until 7am)

E.

I know many people are not fans of this method. I can only say that I have 5 children and this is the method that worked best. I had to control myself in going in to soothe, I learned personally that my intervention fed the fits to lasting longer. So, I made it a point to do our normal routine, bathe, put on jammies, I have a white noise machine which plays music or rain sounds, the twins like that. Anyway, I do our routine, turn on the machine, say it is bedtime, lay them down and walk out of the room. Some nights it is 2 hours before they settle down and go to sleep, other nights it is 15 minutes or less. Our average is about 20 minutes, the 2 hour ones are almost gone (been over a month). So persistence and consistency are the keys.
My other children only had to do this for a few nights to learn bedtime and stop the fits. Again, I had to control myself and not go in the room. Get a camera monitor if you need to see him, but the only way we got through it is for me to stay out. They are the happiest children on earth, so it hasn't affected their demeanor in the least.
Bless you for loving your kids! Parent power!!!
D.

Sounds just like my son! I would feed him in his room (dimly lit with music on) until he got squirmy. Then I laid him down right away so he could get comfortable and cry himself to sleep. Then I left. My son also didn't find it comforting to be in his room. At night we had a no limit cry time, since I could do anything about it anyway. I also couldn't rock, pat, etc him to sleep. The longest he ever cried was 2 hours. It only lasted about a week and then we were good. He is a fantastic sleeper now. It can be hard to get through but so worth it in the end.

I don't know how to explain it to your older child, but your son is clearly wanting his quiet time before he goes to sleep... although it must not be quiet for you all. try putting him down to bed a little earlier and see if that helps. Just kiss him goodnight, walk out and shut the door. If it works for him why fight it. He will eventually outgrow it. I have never seen an adult who had to scream and cry himself to sleep.

This may seem like a strange question but is it possible that he is hungry? I went through this with my son who was a big boy and finally figured out that he just wasn't getting enough to eat. I supplemented nursing with formula and started him on thin rice cereal and it helped quite a bit. He was a chunky little guy but much happier and slept better. He still has a big appetite! Just something to consider.
L.

We used CIO with our twin boys and had great success, but it didn't take very long before they weren't crying at all. Our boys had little bears in their beds that played a little lullaby when shaken. We would start each bear when we were leaving the room and then the boys knew to hit the bear or the mattress and the bear would play and we would hear the bears going in the middle of the night and know that they had turned them on. You might want to try something like that or the cribside 'aquarium' that has low lights and something to keep him occupied and relaxed.

My brother always needed 30 minutes alone in his crib upon waking, maybe your son just needs his alone time before he sleeps. I would also try putting him down a bit earlier like someone else suggested. Our boys used to go down at 7:30 and sleep until 7:30 or later.

Good luck!

Hi S.,

It looks like you've gotten a lot of responses! I just did CIO with my little girl and one thing I found is that there is so much advice out there, and so much of it is so conflicting. It took about a week for us but I know people who say it worked in 2 days, others who say it was more like 2 weeks. My niece cried for more like 3 weeks - she's very persistent :) Whatever you decide know that you aren't hurting your son by letting him cry - my pediatrician says it hurts mom a lot, but the baby will not be damaged. This is just one opinion, though, and I know there are lots of opinions out there. When we did CIO I was too afraid to tell anyone until after because people put some pretty harsh judgment out there. Just remember that you are the mom and you know what is best for your child and you would never do anything to hurt him. I think you should decide what you are comfortable doing and just make sure to stick with it.

To answer your other questions, 1) and 2) from what I hear most babies do shorten the crying time or stop altogether. I do know of 2 babies who still cry for 5 minutes or so before falling asleep - it's just how they get themselves to sleep. They cry being held or put down, doesn't matter.

3) I swaddle my daughter, sing her one song while I rock her, and put her down. I am happy with that routine, but some people want more or less than that. Again it's what works for you and your life. My older sister just plops her girls down, always has, and they are all fine with that. My younger sister sings and reads for 20 minutes. That is what works for them. So if you want to rock or soothe, I think do it, but if he seems to fight it, it might make your life easier to just kiss him, tell him you love him, and set him down. Maybe rub his forehead for a minute or just shush him for a minute once he's laying down.

4) As far as establishing another comfort/soothing method, I think some kids adopt certain things and others don't, they just never do. My son is a thumb sucker, too (still at 3 1/2!) and has this bear he is totally attached to. I tried so hard to get him to take the pacifier when he was a baby - he wanted nothing to do with it. He adopted that bear at 5 months and the thumb at 10 weeks - never went back. So I guess you could keep trying, see if anything else works, or just wait to see if he will eventually adopt something.

I did a lot of babbling but I hope something in there helps :) Just remember - you are the mom and know what's best for your baby! As long as it works for you, stick with it. Good luck and let us know what happens!

Hi S.,

If you've only been doing the CIO method for 3 nights, then you are on the right track. I scheduled all three of my kids when they were newborns during the day and if they woke up at night, I fed them. They all slept through the night before 12 weeks. (I did have to let the youngest cry it out for 2 nights at 12 weeks, but it only lasted a short time.) I always put them down awake so they would learn to sooth themselves. The time they take to learn to soothe themselves seems like an eternity, but in reality it is usually a few days and almost never more than 1 to 2 weeks. Once my babies were on board with their schedule, they almost never cried when I put them down. Don't get me wrong, my kids weren't easy. I used the same principles with each kids, but they had to be applied differently to each child. You just have to get them figured out and you will be successful. It sounds like you son is giving you hints that you are doing the right thing. Good luck.

S.,
Get a copy of the dvd, "The Happiest Baby on the Block" - it may do wonders for you and your baby. I've given the dvd as a gift to new/expecting moms and have been told it is the best gift they ever got and they use the techniques constantly. I've met the author of the book & dvd and recommend the dvd to see the techniques in action. Good luck.
J.

Hello S.,
I didn't get a chance to read all your responses, so if this is a double, I'm sorry. I would assume (not knowing his schedule) that he's getting over tired. What time does he go to bed? I know at 5.5 months my daughter was going to bed at 8 and looking back now that was way too late. Once I moved it to 7 (at 11 months) she started sleeping all night. Although, I never had an issue putting her down at night.
Best of luck,
C.

I would take him the the doctor to make sure he does not have a medical problem like acid reflux or something. It also sounds like the cry it out method is not working either. He may know that you will not be there at naptime or nighttime to soothe him and he is dreading it and letting you know that by not sleeping and crying. A lot of people don't realize, for some babies the cry it out method has the opposite effect. I would be concerned that he is crying so often and at every sleep time. I thought with the cry it out method it only took a few nights. Something else is going on, I would have him looked at. Maybe you should try letting him fall asleep on you again, and putting him down with you. I know it is a bad habit, but it is like and experiment to see if it is something medical or he just wants to be cuddled. See if he sleeps that way. Good luck

Hi S.,

We started CIO with our son at about the same age. Our bedtime routine was (and still is at a year) bath, nurse/bottle/cup, stories, turn out the light and sing lullabies. We then turn on white noise, put him down, and leave the room. When we were sleep training, we would go in every 15 minutes or so and soothe, but it really didn't make a difference with him. He wouldn't settle down unless we picked him up (a no-no)and then we were back a square one. Eventualy, we stopped going in unless he was REALLY mad, then I'd get upset and go rock him to sleep. That actually only happened a couple times. He was able to go to sleep in a matter of minutes after a week or so, and was going to sleep well consistently after about 3 weeks.

It was definitely hard on me, and I'd have to leave the house or put on headphone, but I realize now it was the best method for him. Shortly after, we were able to get him to take naps (before it was ONLY in his swing)and he's been a good sleeper and napper ever since. Getting good sleep made a HUGE difference in his mood during the day.

Jen

I tried it for a little bit but feel that it isn't healthy. There is an interesting article in the Jan-Feb issue of Mothering magazine that discusses this very thing. It challenges the CIO strategy and addresses the physical, psychological and emotional needs that youngsters are still in need of when going to bed. Check that article out. And remember, they grow so fast and it is my belief that the first few years is really the only time that you have them "to yourself" which provides a wonderful opportunity to connect and comfort them during their most vulnerable time. Perhaps a little night comfort is exactly what they need and it is a natural thing.

Good luck, K..

Dear S.,
It's not really clear, but you could be trying to get him to sleep too much during the day.
My kids were not day sleepers which was a challenge, but they slept all night in their own cribs. There were times when they were fussy, so you do all the normal things to make sure they aren't wet or have a temp, but shushing/patting and then leaving the room always worked for me.
Sometimes kids get over-stimulated, so you want to watch for that. But try keeping the bed time routine the same. Sometimes a music box or a cd of soft ocean sounds can be soothing. There are a lot of different ideas about the CIO method, but I didn't race in to my children every time they fussed and they were really good about going back to sleep.
I hope you get some really good advice. I don't know how I would have survived if my kids hadn't been good sleepers.
Best of wishes!

Hi S.,
You didn't mention what your son's schedule is. What is his morning wake-up time, nap times, and bedtime? I HIGHLY recommend reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth for age appropriate sleep needs and schedules. I like that he breaks his book down to age groups AND sleep problems. There is alot of info on the CIO method. If you want to email me with his schedule, I will share with you what I've tried and what has worked for me.
Sincerely,
L.

I'm not sure what your nightime routine is or what time you put him down. For my sons there is definitely a sweet spot of time where they go down the easiest (between 7 and 7:30 for my 18 month old). Also we have a very consistent nighttime routine and schedule. Each kid is so different but I can tell you what my experience has been. With my first I nursed him to sleep until he was about 8 months old and then a bottle before bed (which I realize everyone says not to do) and rocked him to sleep and then at about 13 or 14 months we did CIO - it only took 2 nights. The first night he cried for maybe 30 minutes and the next for about 15. I didn't sit in his room and I didn't go in to soothe him. With my 2nd it also only took a night or two (he is now 18 months), however he was recently sick and I rocked him to sleep and now I need to do CIO all over again (darn it). So my experience was that it didn't take as long as you are saying but that's just my experience. Possibly continually going back in causes him to learn that if he keeps crying you'll keep coming back in? I waited until they were a little bit older to do it but it sounds like he won't go to sleep with rocking either. It is really hard to do and if my sons had cried for longer periods or more days I'm not sure if I could have handled it but I feel confident in the approach for my kids because it has worked so I just try to keep that in mind. Good luck!! No matter what your child will get to be a better sleeper. Every time we run into some sleep issue I think it will never end and it does and things get better.

Stick with it! It sounds like he's trying to tell you that it's working. I did this with my son at the same age. The first night he cried for about an hour, the second was a little more than that and the third was only 20-30 mins or so. After that it was all downhill. My son is one of those that needs to talk to himself or somehow make noise to fall asleep. That first night was a lot of crying, but it wasn't desperate crying, more like complaining. Even now, he sometimes still talks to himself when he's going to sleep. Maybe your son is like that too.
I think some sort of soothing is needed. We hold our boy for a bit before bed and start a bedtime story while holding him. Then he gets kisses, we lay him down and let him know that it's time for bed and we're right in the next room if he needs us. He seems to do very well when we explain things to him.
Good luck and don't give up yet. It sounds like you're on the right track.

Good advice from the other moms! I don't know what time you put him down, but sometimes they do have an easier time falling asleep if you put them down earlier (like 6pm). I know that sounds crazy but it worked for us. I was surprised that my daughter would sleep a solid 12 hours if I put her down at 6pm, where if I put her down at 8, she'd wake up every 2 hours all night. Weird, huh?

My younger daughter was a little like your son, in that if I went into her room at all, it would rile her up and she wouldn't be able to fall asleep. What I did with her was to put her down for bed and then simply leave her room and shut the door. It would take her a good 45 minutes sometimes for her to fall asleep (not necessarily crying, just awake, sometimes fussing a little).

If your daughter wonders why her brother is crying, just tell her he's trying to settle down and needs some time to himself. (And that she should help out by being quiet, etc.)

Good luck; isn't it amazing how different 2 kids can be??