More on the Husband......(who Doesn't Want the Baby)

Honey...time to file papers. Let him yell about that and GF himself.
If you need a referral, a friend of mine is a good divorce lawyer that has helped a lot of mutual friends. She's in the city. PM me.

It sounds like you need to get an attorney and file for divorce now. What I read about why you 'can't' do this now sounds like excuses to stay - not real reasons you can't go. It doesn't sound like this has to do only with the pregnancy. It sounds like you should leave, whether or not you choose to continue the pregnancy.

I get that you can't stop someone from saying things and doing things. What you CAN change is your reaction. Disengage from him. If he starts yelling or saying stupid stuff, just get up and walk out of the room. If need be, go to the restroom and lock the door. Just ignore him. No matter how loud he yells or things he says just ignore. Do.not.react. He is looking for a reaction.

Now, YOU need to take control of your life back. If he won't leave the bedroom you leave or better yet, lock the door. If he busts the door down, call the police. Get paper on him and his behavior. Tell the police you fear for your safety and that of your children. Get a restraining order immediately after to keep him out of the marital home. There ARE things you can do, you are making a choice to NOT do them.

A lot of women have raised 3 kids on their own with less education and means than you. Put your big girl pants on and get out of this disaster of a marriage. You think your kids don't know? You are deluding yourself there. They know. You don't want them to think this is how you treat people? Of course not, because you don't treat people this way.

Good luck and stay safe.

You're a lawyer. You know what you would tell another woman. You'd tell her to get certain papers together. You'd tell her what to do with those papers. You'd tell her to open up a bank account just for her and make sure there's money in it. You'd tell her to get her family heirlooms out of the house so that he can't destroy them. You'd tell her a lot of things.

Time for you to tell yourself and take your own advice.

Take the next pregnancy months to get your ducks in a row. Be ready. After you have had that baby and gotten through your post-partum recovery, start the process of finding a new apartment and moving out. Your children don't need to grow up listening to your husband talk to you the way he does (You think they don't hear. You have your head in the sand.) It will be time for you to be done with him. You can focus on your work and your children.

The best thing you can do right now is stop engaging with him about any of this stuff. Just get up and go in the bedroom and lock the door. Lay down on your left side and rest. If you do this every time, he'll stop at some point because then he'll end up having to watch the other kids because you've holed yourself up in the bedroom.

I do hope that you've recorded him demanding that you have an abortion. You should so that you have that for court.

And you need to stop thinking in terms of judges not wanting to deal with this. It's their chosen profession. Just because you work with them all the time doesn't mean that you stay with a man any longer than you have to because of your reticence to take your personal life's problems to a judge.

If you think your children don't know that you are fighting and your husband yells and says awful things to you, your crazy. Of course they know. You can try to convince us all you want, but I don't buy it. I don't believe he can control his temper at all. Yet you are trying to convince us that in front of the kids, he acts like father of the year. Don't buy it for one second.

You are refusing to leave. You have an excuse for every time someone tells you to leave. So stay. Stay and let your children grow up thinking this is how a man should treat them. Or this is how they should treat a woman. I hope you are setting money aside for the counseling they will need down the road. I don't understand why you asked for advice when you have no intention of taking it. You must be an intelligent woman. You're a lawyer so you must be smart enough to know the answer. You just refuse to accept it.

K.:
You are an attorney, you have the ability to support your children without him. He is abusive and you need to leave. I'm sorry to say this but it is really that simple. If you are afraid you can't handle raising your children alone believe me you can. Life will be so much simpler without him. He is eroding your self confidence and self esteem - he needs to go.
You should already know this since you are an attorney but ----- DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT everything he says and does. Use this documentation in court to prove he is abusive.
Ask the court to allow you to move closer to your family and friends so you can get help and have a support system.

One of the first things an abuser does is isolate the victim. He has done this you are isolated away from family and friends.

ETA: Would your husband consider adoption? You could carry the child to term and then have someone who really wants a child care for it.

Original: I am really sorry for you. You have a brain that has been put into a deep fog and you can't fight your way out of a wet paper bag. There have been many excuses written by you as to "Why" I can leave. Have you stated something the would make you leave and feel like a human being again a real woman?

Can you not buy a new bed for an apartment and take what you want from this home? You sound very afraid of him. He has you in fear of your life just because and now that you are pregnant he is going off the deep end with everything he can do to make you lose the child and you mental health. Too bad you didn't study family law a bit better as you would know what to do and have done it. You need oxygen and you needed it yesterday to get out of this pickle. Get a colleague to help you get out of this quickly.

He already stated something to you about respect that he feels he doesn't get from you. So you know he doesn't give a blank your feelings or the other children's feelings. He has shown his TRUE COLORS for many years and you have had blinders on.

As I said before life is too damn short to put up with all this bull. Stand up for yourself and demand to be respected as a woman, a wife, and a mother. I hope the next time you write on here you have done something other than justify his actions and your non actions.

the other S.

PS Sometimes we have to go backwards to go forwards. What are you doing? Nothing.

It sounds like you know what you need to do... you just need to convince yourself that the risks are better than staying.

You are telling us all the reasons you are staying and why staying is untenable as well. What do you want us to tell you? What more can we say? You say that judges don't want to have to run other people's lives so you won't divorce? K., they get PAID to judge. That is not a reason to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. Just, no.

Please figure out that you are an adult. Your children are learning to be future wives and husbands. They see this whether you think they do or not. You truly expect us to believe that all day long you two act like love birds in a perfectly happy world then as soon as the kids are in bed he's yelling and calling you names and trying to force you to have an abortion?

I don't believe it. The kids know.

So either find a friend, call your mother or father to come get you, or something else like a battered woman shelter because if you don't do something soon he's likely to push you down to try and make you have a miscarriage.

If you willingly stay with him then you are feeding the bear and will get bitten.

Wow. I'm sorry but you're beginning to sound like an excuse-maker. Out of all of the responses given you, have you embraced even one? Sigh. This type of situation obviously calls for creative thinking and constructive sacrifice. It's up to you to weigh all options in your life. You have them but it's up to you to embrace them. If you have to move cross-country with family, then do it if your situation is really that bad and it sounds like it's beyond bad to me. Lastly, to answer your actual question of how to deal with this, I'll say 1. pray, and 2. find a psychologist to talk with on a weekly basis. . At the en of it all, you say all that he won't do. But I ask you, what all will you do for peace, sanity and a new beginning?

Updated

Wow. I'm sorry but you're beginning to sound like an excuse-maker. Out of all of the responses given you, have you embraced even one? Sigh. This type of situation obviously calls for creative thinking and constructive sacrifice. It's up to you to weigh all options in your life. You have them but it's up to you to embrace them. If you have to move cross-country with family, then do it if your situation is really that bad and it sounds like it's beyond bad to me. Lastly, to answer your actual question of how to deal with this, I'll say 1. pray, and 2. find a psychologist to talk with on a weekly basis. . At the en of it all, you say all that he won't do. But I ask you, what all will you do for peace, sanity and a new beginning?

This is my thought and I may be totally wrong, but you seem to be a very patient person who is willing to listen to all the rationale and still find some reason to keep your family, by which I mean also your husband.
You still at some level love your husband, I know what he is doing is wrong and as an adult he should be able to explain his rationale is a more empathetic manner and try and reason with you, (this would be Ideal), but the current situation is far from that.
You are taking the right measures to figure out your options and sail through this situation given your health and your husband's anxiety.

The way I am seeing it is this man is fearful and regrets being in this situation, because he did not take the steps to make sure that both of you are not in this situation. He is reacting from a place of fear of losing you, the child or both or having to face major health issues for both you and the baby that will impact the entire family. He is fearful of losing the family and if he will be able to handle the family as well as you do if some thing was to happen to you for a short time or a long time.
Please understand, I am not taking his side, I am just telling you how I understand the situation. If possible, do not react to him, just find your quiet zone and say no more. Focus on your health and try and find the answer on your own, Your silence will become your power and when he calms down (if he does), just let him know your justifications for what you decide. Let him present his and if he begins to fire up again, stay peaceful (not just outwardly, but inwardly) and ask him to only present his ideas in writing, because then there is no emotion to the message, it is just the message.
The reason I am saying all this is that I am currently in your situation (no pregnancy), where my spouse has an emotional reaction to everything, I used to think that it was is power over me, untill after much counseling I realized that it was his emotional insecurity that causes him to behave the way he does. I am not making up excuses for bad behaviour, it is just a reality. I hope this helps. Always know that you have more courage and resilience than you give yourself credit for

I'm really confused as to why you think the doctors would back you up on the idea that divorce is a bad idea. If you are in a high stress situation, it would be better for you and your unborn child to be out of that situation. Divorce isn't a quick fix, but you could separate. Find a small apartment or house to rent. Just get away from him. That would be a lot less stressful for you and the baby.

Go see an attorney TODAY. You are making tons of excuses why you "can't leave"(yes you can), do you realize the risks to you and your baby are WAY worse if you stay? The stress alone is terrible. You'll still feel cruddy if you leave, but he won't be barking in your face. You have WAY more problems than just a surprise pregnancy. Leave and sort out this toxic mess NOW so you are in a better place when your beautiful baby is born. An attorney can set the wheels in motion for his horrid behavior to STOP now. But seriously, stop making excuses and LEAVE. Your other kids aren't babies, they can color or something while you lay on the couch and feel awful(I've had SIX horrid pregnancies with HG, hospital visits, dangerous weight loss, ICU stays - only 3 live births, I can truly relate). Seek legal counsel TODAY.

ETA: Wait? So you work in family court? Your answer on another post states you used to work in court helping with child custody issues).
So you know how this issue with your pregnancy plays out. Are you embarrassed that this might play out at your place of work?

I'm confused.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~original~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stand by my answer to your other post.

Domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233

www.thehotline.org
They have a live chat feature

Drive with kids to local police station and ask for help.

Please update us after you have called thehotline

If you just wanted to vent, then go for it. But you're clearly educated and you know your options. Only you can decide deep down what you want and what the lesser of evils. Break up your family for this baby or abort and keep your family together - sounds like other than this issue, you guys have been doing ok. Personally I would opt for the second. I feel a greater duty to the two young children I have. If I knew a 3rd would ruin a stable, 2 parent household for them, then I think I would abort. But that's just me. If you know you can't do that, then not sure what you're asking. Your husband won't go to counseling and you won't leave. There are only so many choices. Try to get some quiet time and picture a year from now. If having this 3rd child means you're on your own with 3 kids, picture it and see if it feels right. If you did decide to abort, will it haunt you? Or will you push past it and go back to how things have been? I usually can pretty accurately envision how I will feel and get a good gut check. Alone with 3 will be hard on you AND them but if those are your choices and that feels better than aborting, take care of yourself through the pregnancy and start making plans for divorce. And hopefully your husband will come around. He may resent you so much though that he leaves. Hard to say. But make the best choice you can now and then no reason for regret. You'll know you did the best you could.

So, tell us at the beginning that leaving, getting a divorce is not an option or reword your question. After this post, I don't know what your question is.

Perhaps you wanted us to say get an abortion or don't get an abortion? Perhaps you really just want to vent and feel heard?

After this post, I suggest that counseling for you would be helpful. You will feel supported and can vent.

Perhaps you can treat him similar as you would an angry child by not responding. You can't send him to his room but you can ignore what he says. When I don't want to talk with someone who won't quick, I leave. Sometimes a walk around the block. Sometimes going to my room. Perhaps you could tell him when he's not bullying you, what you will do. You have no control of him but you are in charge of yourself. There are ways to take back your power that is not as drastic as leaving.

I had been having communication difficulties with my husband. Our home was chaotic. Dinner time was stressfull. Because there were children and our own older moms, I felt like I needed to provide dinner for them. I made dinner and then left the house to eat my dinner at a restaurant. Once I was feeling more relaxed, I went back home. I did this as a way to deal with my stress and take care ofyself. I don't know the ages of your children or there relationship with their father, so this may not be possible. Perrhaps when he starts in on you, you could walk out or go to your room or stay in the bathroom.

Sounds like your husband is not respectful. I suggest in those situations we have to show that we will not accept disrespect. If you're able to not get sucked into a fight, you could just not listen or respond. One of my friends quietly hums. Quietly enough that her husband doesn't hear her. Humming helps her not to listen or respond.

I agree that he is causing stress that is not healthy for you or the baby. You need a way to tske care of yourself. You know you won't get help from him. I suggest counseling could help you with that.

Another idea is to go along with what he says. When he says, I can't tell you my feelings you could say, I know your feelings and how difficult this is for you. Be sympathetic and on his side while continuing to make your own decision. Don't talk about what you're deciding. Empathize with how he's feeling.

I suggest you read about non-violent communication. It's a way to approach and word things in a way the other person feels more understood and doesn't have to fight.

How in the world are you planning on resting with yelling and name calling going on? This stress is terrible for you and the baby. Not to mention the stress this is putting on your other children, who are just trying to be normal children. Eventually, you will have to get fed up enough to make a change. Until then, the only thing you can do is put up with him if you stay in this environment. All the advice in the world is not going to change him. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I do hope that you find some peace.

How did you ever get pregnant if you hate him as much hate has been spewed over the last 2 posts?

If BOTH of you knew you didn't want another child, then why were you not fixed? Everyone know the pill is not 100%. You act like it is doing some horrid thing to your body to get tubes tied, etc but wouldn't you rather that than what you are faced with now?

I don't think we have the entire story because marriage and baby making take 2 people. Granted, you make your hubby sound like a royal a$$ but you can't be perfect. There are a lot of details I feel are missing because we ae only hearing how bad he is.

In the event things work out, you have blabbed to ALL of your friends about how awful he is. Your friendships will be changed due to your conversations. People will look at you differently because it is plain wrong for a husband or wife to bad mouth each other to other people.

On a site like this, with your name changed, you can rip him a new one because we don't deal with you everyday.. However, I feel it crosses the line to air all this dirty laundry to everyone who you do socialize with amongst your neighborhood, friends co-workers, etc.

No, you cannot MAKE him do anything but you CAN do something about yourself and your situation. It sounds like you will soon be living a new normal.

I haven't read the responses - but no way in hell would I stay with a man like that. He's not a man, he's a fool. If my husband ever talked to me like that - he could pack his stuff and go. My kids don't need that as an example of how to act or how to treat others.

If he didn't want the baby, he should have taken precautions.

I'm really sorry, but it sounds like you have a million reasons why you need to stay and deal with this. Put those all to the side and LEAVE. You don't have to stay with him because you're pregnant. You do have to take care of your kids.

1,000 flowers to Doris Day.

Hire a lawyer and have him served with divorce papers, ask for the house in the divorce. You can't force him out, but you don't have to stay with him. If he won't sleep on the couch then move a bed into one of the other bedrooms for yourself and have your kids share a room for now. Once he sees things are over maybe he will be more reasonable about leaving the house, if not then one of you will get the home in the divorce, the other will get half its value to help with relocating, and you can both move on.

Even if you don't want to file for divorce I would consider having the kids share a room and setting up a separate bedroom for yourself, you can also put the crib in there after the baby comes. Only if he started acting like the supportive husband and father he should be would I consider moving back into the master bed. Yes, he has every right to be upset about this, to even want an abortion, but once you made it clear that was not going to happen he needed to stop with it and get on board. You did not make this baby all by yourself. And he needs to make an appointment for a vasectomy, I would refuse to have sex with him until he has done so, even if everything else gets better.

I understand that you are going nowhere and doing nothing until you've had this baby. I'm sorry, but there is no way I'd raise my children around this guy -- he treats you poorly, he is a yeller, and he is teaching your children that this is how women should be treated. You deserve better!
Until such time that you decide to get out:
Get your ducks in a row. Set some cash aside in a separate account. Get your own credit card. Make sure you have a car in your name.
Record his rants. He will deny everything and come off smelling like a rose -- until he loses his temper in court. (Yeah, I've seen that happen and it is awesome.)
Remember that you get to stay in the house as the custodial parent -- not him.
Once you've been awarded custody and granted your divorce, you must change the locks, the garage door code, and all your PIN numbers.
It will be hard, but it will be worth it to get away from him.

He sounds extremely controlling and may want to stress you to the point of aborting or miscarriage. I'll bet your pastor may know a family willing to take you guys in until baby is born. If thinking long term is too overwhelming, just think short term and getting you and your three kids through the next 9 months safely. Staying with him because you need your bed and free child care isn't worth it, in my opinion. Maybe family members can take turns and come be with you, maybe friends will take shifts. Maybe you can sleep in a friend's guestroom. Start looking for work closer to family. Just do anything to get away from him. He sounds so angry, he may hurt you or baby.

All of your excuses sound like they are coming from an abused woman who's been brainwashed by her husband. He has done a number on you. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!

K. I am so sorry you're going through this :(
Please get help- talk to a counselor and sort through the next steps. One thing is for sure, this environment is not only terrible for your unborn child and you- but terrible for your other two children. What he is doing is emotionally abusing you- period!! You don't deserve that and an abortion should be YOUR choice, NOT his. You don't sound like you want an abortion - so don't have one, PERIOD!
I wish you all the best K.- for you and your THREE children

women's shelter. that's exactly what they're there for. he's controlling and abusive. so what if it's not 24/7? I guarantee your kids hear more than you think. you've done a great job of convincing yourself otherwise...but you need to leave. now. until you see that there's unfortunately, not much any of us can do to help. I hope things get better for you soon.

Leave him. Wait till the baby's born, or whenever you're strong enough, but start making your plans.