Mother-in-law Moving in...any Tips?

Find her a nearby assisted living center. I'm not kidding! No way would I put my family through this -and I like my MIL. However, the day she moves in is the day I move out! I've told my husband this because his mother hasn't planned properly for retirement, and he agrees. We're both only children, but I would work two jobs to pay for her staying somewhere. There are also government aid programs for elder care you may want to look into.

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Bolt the door and HIDE!!!

Seriously, though... my MIL stays with us on the weekends and I have found that if she has some things to do it makes her feel helpful.

Can you ask your MIL to help with some things? You said she is handicapped but didn't say to what extent. How about having her fold laundry, set the table, do some cooking, childcare. It will help her feel like she is pitching in and make your house feel like her home.

Also, be sure her room is comfortable for her - let her make it her own. Buy a new beadspread, curtains - whatever makes her feel at home. And be sure she bring her favorite stuff with her. Even if it's in boxes in the basement forever, they are her things.

And I agree with lilpiggietoes - your husband will liekly forget it's his mom and think you're there to do everything for her. Set that sraight from the get-go. That he needs to pitch in and help her - after all, it's his mom. And FYI - he will recert back to a 5 year old when she is around. That's the worst part.

Good luck!!

I don't know if my comments will be helpful or not, but I'll toss them in the mix.

You can't see me, but I'm giving you a standing ovation.

Years ago I happened to find a very old Readers' Digest article titled, "I Am the Mother-in-law in the Home." It could have been from the 1930s or '40s. It was an eye-opener to me. I had never, ever considered family life from the point of view of an old lady who moved in with her grown children.

She wrote about the tension that happened in the home as soon as she moved in. She had to realize that she was not a household head any more, but rather something in between a guest and a roomer, and had to adjust her own thinking accordingly. She did as much as she could to make a life of her own without inconveniencing her children, especially her daughter-in-law. I was impressed.

Now I am a MIL myself, but I don't have to live with my children. If I ever have to, I hope I can do half as well as the anonymous writer. I would try to figure out how I could pursue some interests and see some friends without disrupting the rest of my family's life or costing them very much money. If the move to my children's home entailed leaving my own friends, it would be harder, and I'd hope that I could somehow make new friends my own age.

I would hope I could be cheerful, not complaining. That could be a hard one. I hope I would learn to be a good listener.

On the other side of the coin, what I hope I would get from my children and grandchildren would be the physical help I needed (since otherwise I'd be living independently), a chance to feel useful, and a renewed sense of personal value. As people grow older and/or develop physical problems, they wonder if perhaps they're now worthless; our society exalts youth and independence. Depression is rampant among the elderly.

I hope I wouldn't be bossy, but I wouldn't mind if someone asked my opinions once in a while!

It will take some time for all of you to adjust, and it won't always be easy, but do the best you can. Talk to a multi-generational counselor if you need to. You're doing the right thing.

My best friend from college grew up in a multi-generational home. When her grandparents could not live independently, they moved into my friend's home as a matter of course; later, her other grandparents lived there. My friend and her husband always lived in houses that had an extra first-floor bedroom and bath, because they always wanted to be prepared to take care of a parent - and they were rather sad that they never did get the opportunity to do it.

I appreciate your commitment to family. I had my father move in with us the last few months of his life (he had cancer) and my husband and I moved out of the master bed/bath situation to give it to him. We knew it would be a short term solution but it would give him a sense of independence. He was able to have his own furniture etc. with him which immediately eased his stress. Again, my hat is off to you. You are teaching your children the right thing to do.

In our state, there is a Council on Aging, and I am sure most states have that or something similar. Find out what services, such as respite care may be available to her. You will need help taking care of her, and a break for time to recharge your batteries, both individually and as a family. What financial contributions can she make to her own care? Also, there may be group homes where she could live with others with similar needs. She would not be alone, and you would not have to worry about her being cared for. I would make it clear that if this does not work out after a few months, she will need to go to an assisted living facility. Also, see if there are caregivers support groups in your area. They may have a lot of good ideas.

wow - you're brave and sweet!
Make sure she has her own space. Hopefully her own room? Giving her her own space will also ensure that you also have "space". Have a t.v. in her room so she can watch what she wants. Let her plan (and prepare if she can) at least one meal per week. Maybe a desk in her room? Her own towles etc like a little mini apartment. I think in this situation is important to take note that she is an elderly woman who once ran a household of her own, her own way. Make sure not to treat her like another child or expect her to totally follow your rules. GOOD LUCK!!!

I love how you said it's family so we will make it work.Do the best you can.Does hubby expect you to care for his mother & your 3 kids when she moves in with you?That will be a very difficult task to do.

As hard as it may be to do, I think you should follow Dawn B's advice to a "t."

This is not something that you should do without clearly planning through to the end, considering other options, and having both you, your husband, your MIL all the same page. In fact, whatever agreement you reach, you may want to get in writing, and witnessed.

I lived with my inlaws for a few months while waiting to move into our home. My advice is know that you will not agree on everything, she will have her ways & you have yours. Thats ok, dont try to adapt to her ways or expect her to change. You could try taking her to a senior center a few days a week ( a lot of them will also provide transportation) so that you arent together all the time! Good luck.

Does she receive any income, such as SSI, or retirement? Make sure you discuss it with her and let her contribute to the household so she feels like she is a member of the family. You wont resent her being there as much if she pays her way for a few things. Give her a small fridge of her own, so your kids wont ever take her special foods and make her upset. Understand because she is older and if she is thin, she may want the house to be warmer than you and the kids like for the summer. You might want to buy a couple floor fans to blow cool air toward you and the family, but let her area stay a bit warmer. Make sure the kids have ear buds for tv just in case she is bothered by the noise of their tv, games and music or let them have those things upstairs away from her. Buy a portable ramp for her scooter. Find out what the senior bus schedule is for your neighborhood so she will know where she can go and when. If she isnt from the same town, she is leaving all her friends, and will need to meet people. Find a senior activity center and get her involved in groups of people her own age. The more she has to do, the more she will be gone from home, and happier. Start looking at assisted living homes near you and see what is out there and if theres a chance she can afford one. She might really like looking forward to having her own space and not feel like shes intruding on you. My M. loved the place she lived for a year before she was too sick. Some are the nicest place they will ever live with beautiful furniture and decor. Its great you are willing to take her in and care for her, but she will probably understand if you dont plan on this to be forever.

Attitude is the biggest key and your kids will follow your lead. If you have a bad attitude...we don't have the room or this is an imposition, then they will follow suit and act out accordingly. If you have the attitude that this is an honor to do the right thing then they will follow. Talk to them in advance and assial any fears they have. Take them out individually and let them vent every once in awhile. They have a place to go since Grandma can't go upstairs if they need some space for awhile. Incorporate her in every family activity as much as possible. Sometimes, she just might need to rest.

My mom came to live with us for a month after my dad died suddenly. He hid her dimetia well and it was quite a shock for me. I am a daddy's girl and mom's health we always thought she would go first. The grief was unbearable for me. Mom was on O2 24/7 and she was very cold natured. We had the heat set at 78 during Jan and my hubby and I usually keep it at 68. Our three shelties just didn't know what to do with the heat other than stay outside. It was tough and my grief driven attitude the first couple of weeks was well terrible. God finally got a hold of me and I came around. i had the opportunity to be home with her and we cooked, cleaned. sort of and shopped and it was a good time. Hard but good.

Keep that in mind...It will be hard, but it will be good!

Take Care and may God Bless you!

My MIL is 83 and has lived with us for 7 years. She has 3 daughters as well. It is not easy, and has put a strain on our marriage especially now that we have kids (we have a 3 year old and I am expecting in a couple weeks).
Now that I have said that, you may have an easier time with it than I am. However, if there is any way at all you can avoid having her move in, I would jump at the option. Even having your own mother living in your space would be difficult, and she is not *your* mother. I know I am being totally negative here, but I am speaking from experience. I do not mean to be rude or anything, just giving my own opinions!
If you absolutely have to have her, make sure there are some guidelines for how the house will run. Who will do her laundry if she can't? Will she expect to eat with your family every night? Will she pay a portion or anything towards her own care (food, toiletries,etc)? Will you be expected to care for her? Does she require personal care? If she doesn't now, what will happen when/if she does? In my house, the day my MIL needs personal care is the day she has to go. Again, that sounds rotten, but it is something you need to make sure is decided before the day comes. I would make a list of any and all questions and/or concerns you have and go over it with your husband. Make sure to resolve as much as possible before any moves are made. Good luck and again, I am sorry if I was too negative!! I wish you the best of luck! :)

I think anytime a family member comes to live with you the most important thing is to have a plan. How much they will contribute, what is OK for them to do (eat or cook what they want do laundry anytime or not etc.) You have to be very specific as to what is expected of her and what she expects of you too. I think you and your husband need to have time to for you and your family too without her. If you have to write it all down where everyone can access it. Respect and privacy is probably something that should be made very clear. Good Luck to and I think you are a great DIL to let her move in.

She is an adult with her own personality likes and dislikes. Just because it isn't the same as yours does not make it wrong.

She is an older woman who has done her duty raising kids and has MUCH life experience that she can hand down. She has the ability to see things differently than a younger mother and may have some ideas for you if you just ask. I liked my MIL bought fought with her nearly daily when we lived under the same roof for a few months. I am totally humiliated when I think of what a baby I was and how demanding towards her. She was being nice to me and trying to help me have more free time by doing our laundry for us and I accused her of trespassing in our room and being too nosy. She died a few years ago and I miss her terribly.

She is your husband's mother, he loves her and even if she is driving him nuts she is still his mommy and he will be pissed at you if you treat her poorly.

So, all in all, just treat her like a guest in your home and treat her like a human being with feelings and a heart that can be broken. She may be a total jerk but you will feel better when she is gone about how you acted and treated her.

I can only speak from my experience. My grandfather died of Lou Gehrig's disease when I was 11. We lived in a 3 bedroom home. My sister and I shared a room and my brother had his own as well as my parents. When he could no longer take care of himself, my grandparents moved in with us. All three of the kids (ages 17, 16 & 11) shared one room. My grandparents moved into the room my sister and I shared. During that time not a single cross word was ever spoken. My brother would come home from school and turn my grandfather over so he wouldn't get bed sores. He was the only one tall enough to do it (my Dad was at work). He would always tell his friends I'll be out in a minute, my granddad needs me to turn him and then I'll be out. The time we shared was invaluable to me as a child. I loved my grandparents dearly. My parents set an incredible example for us. By the way my mother also ran a very successful daycare out of our home (30+ kids daily) at the same time.

I applaud your decision to take care of your MIL. I think you've received lots of good information. I think having a date night with your husband once a week if you're not already, should be instituted. Also talking with your kids and making sure they understand what's going on is important. Our family worked like a team even though my parents never discussed it with us. It just seemed like the logical progression of things.

I cannot imagine my parents living without the other. They've been married for over 55 years. I have prayed selfishly that the Lord takes them at the same time because both would be equally lost without the other. However, if the time ever comes for me to take care of them or my husband's dad I will do it to the best of my ability.

Blessings to you as you open your heart and home.

L.

Wow, you are way better than I...my advice would be not to do this. It sounds like there is already tension, so adding her in the mix in your home will only exacerbate it.

You have gotten some wonderful advice! Here is what has happened in my family:
My grandmother resisted living in an assisted living facility for a year after my Papa died. She was depressed, lonely and bound to her home. She couldn't drive because of some benefits my uncle found that stipulated she couldn't drive. After a horrible elderly attack in her neighborhood, she decided to look into assisted living. She is now in a retirement community and is happier than ever - new friends, lots of fun activities, her own space, help if she needs it. If there is anyway you can make this happen, I strongly suggest it, for her happiness and yours.
Perhaps she can stay with you short term, even up to a year while she greives, while visiting different facilities in the area. Make it clear that it us her decision, you are not trying to put her away, but to find a place that is a good fit for her, fun with good care.
BTW- look for all those extraneous benefits or find someone who can. They can pay for a lot of things - nursing care, sitters, cleaning, driver for errands, etc. It is WORTH the time and money.

Unless this is something that was discussed and agreed upon well before your FIL's death, I would suggest you BOTH take some time to give it serious thought. Of course you want to help her, it's what my family would do too, but major decisions should not be made during a period of grief (and likely fear, for your MIL). This is something my father believes in very strongly, because he didn't follow this advice. My uncle who lived near his parents and helped them stay in their own house died unexpectedly. My dad then offered his parents to move in with us, and spent a fortune renovating part of the house to be handicap accessible. But, they weren't happy living with us and in 6 months they chose to move back to their previous state and stay in assisted living. My dad thinks if they had all taken more time after my uncle's death they would have made that decision from the start. I have other examples, but this is long enough. My point is just to say make sure no one, including your MIL, is making this decision out of the strong emotions that accompany grief. Good luck.