Mother-in-law with Jealousy Issue

That's a hard one.

I personally have cut off all ties between my MIL and myself and my son...but I would NEVER dare to hint much less insist that my husband do the same.

He stays in contact with her as much as he decides to. In the beginning I had to work really hard to smile and be supportive...but now it's second nature. She's his mum, after all. I look at it as: how would I like it if my son's wife made it so I either couldn't see him, or made him feel guilty for seeing me? NOT okay.

Now, I DO have to say, I cut off all contact slowly...first she wasn't allowed to see my son without supervision...and then she wasn't allowed to see either of us at all (unless she was at some big family get together).

ALSO...the issues that caused me to sever ties...are all central to heroine addiction. Before we knew there was a problem, she lost the ability to see my son alone because she LEFT HIM ALONE AT THE PARK while she went to the store. He was 2. Later we found her literally shooting up in my house. Nope. Nada. Zilch. Cut. Off.

It's been my standpoint that if she can string at least a couple years together, then I'll think about it. I've watched her break my DH's heart so many times over the years, that I am further disinclined to acquiesce...but I'll THINK about it.

My husband isn't happy, but he's not happy about the whole situation. He understands my position, and the fact that I'm not willing to use our son as "bait" for her to get well...but that doesn't mean that understanding was gained easily. Unless your husband feels the same way you do, even in clear cut circumstances like mine, we've had to go rounds.

Good Luck

Women often have a hard time being frank about our feelings, and it sounds like that's a problem for you when faced with the challenge of communicating with your MIL. (And she may need help learning to be frank about her feelings so that she doesn't have to resort to sarcasm or family politics to get her perceived needs met.)

You could model a new basis for communication with her. You have a right to express your feelings and legitimate needs calmly and clearly, and if you can also do that with compassion and respect, you will have a greater chance that she'll hear you, and your relationship could become more comfortable over time. Your MIL could gradually come to respect you and consider you an ally instead of a threat.

I use a technique called NVC (Non-Violent Communication) for situations like this, and it can be extremely effective, while still being kind, honest, and mutually respectful. The keys are telling what YOU NOTICE, as accurately and unemotionally as possible. Then how YOU FEEL when you notice this. Finally, what YOU NEED to feel better about the situation.

The genius of this approach is that our feelings and needs are always just as legitimate as the other person's feelings and needs, so by framing the issues in those terms, you are leveling the court for both of you. If this sounds interesting to you, let me give you an example.

You would start by MAKING AN OBSERVATION about what is happening. This observation should be as clear and non-judgemental as possible, and address only what you have observed for yourself. Such a statement might sound like any of the following (tailored to your circumstances), "Mom, when I said hello to you several minutes ago, your greeting sounded angry to me." Or perhaps, "Mom, I'd like to understand what's going on here, so may I ask you what that tone of voice means?" Or perhaps, "Mom, I keep wondering if I hear sarcasm in your comments, like when you just said _____."

Then you would DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS about what you have observed. "When I (heard those words, noticed that tone, saw that expression), I felt (surprised, anxious, uncomfortable, angry) because I have no idea what I said or did to receive such a response from you.

Step 3 is to be clear about YOUR NEEDS: "Since we are family now, and I would like my son to know and like his grandmother, I need (respect, acceptance, simple courtesy) from you so that we can both relax and enjoy our relationship."

When you frame the conversation in these term, you are not blaming her. You are trying to let go of assumptions you have about her that could be blocking more agreeable interactions. You are taking responsibility for asking for what you need, and asking whether she is willing to consider your needs, perhaps even at some inconvenience to herself. You are modeling a communication technique that she's probably never thought to use, and which she may find attractive, because it embodies strength and maturity. The generosity of this approach gives her a chance to respond more generously than if she feels you are being critical of her, which could just send her into a defensive posture.

When defensiveness happens (in any of us), it's so much harder to hear what the other person is saying.

Her actions are a reflection on her, not on you. She deserves your pity because inside those catty actions is a shriveled, insecure soul with some deep wounds. The fact that she doesn't even like your aunts-in-law to visit shows that she has some real deep rooted problems. You probably won't be able to change her, but don't cut ties with her. What she really needs is unconditional love, and even if you don't feel up to providing that yourself, leave the door open by remembering that there's probably a lot of pain inside that woman.

I would talk to your husband before you do anything. You can not just cut all ties, this is his mother. What if he did not like your mother and just told you one day that he was cutting all ties with your extended family? He really needs to be a part of this conversation.

It sounds like she has some major self esteem issues. My MIL and I don't get along very well either and I suspect the same issue. But my daughter LOVES Nanna and Pappa and I would not try to come between that relationship, because it is very special to my daughter. I never had much of a relationship with my grandparents or any extended family, and I believe it is important for kids to have that. So with me, it is best to keep my distance as much as I can with my MIL, but I don't hamper my daughter seeing them. They watch her at least once a week while I go shopping or my husband and I do something together. MIL/DIL relationships are tough. I don't think any woman will ever be good enough for their little boys, we just do the best we can. The old saying is certainly true in my case. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives. My husband and I just make sure we are on the same page with her and I use him as a buffer as often as I can. Most likely he is aware of his mother's issues as well, having grown up with them. But kids and their grandparent's relationship is SO special, preserve it if you can. Just try to avoid her as much as possible. Good luck :)

It’s totally natural for you to feel that way and have that hurt and anger. Remember though - it’s not about you. It’s about your MIL who has a personality disorder and prolly needs to seek professional help and you could seek information on what could be going on in her head. I would encourage you to have your hubby help guide that and work with him to lead, maybe even seek help for everyone.
My mother is very much like the way you describe your MIL is. My life growing up was miserable. When I had my daughter I found my voice and spoke to her about her behavior and how I would NOT allow it around my daughter. I also tried to get her help and it all back fired. We haven’t spoken to each other in 4 years. She knows the door is open if she gets help for her personality disorder. She is not willing to admit there is a problem - it is everyone else in the world but her.
She is also an alcoholic in hiding, sneaking alcohol with her everywhere she goes, telling me her Dr actually prescribed it for her insomnia and that it was better than taking any other perscription. She had always had a hidden drinking issue.
She hasn’t spoken to her own mother for over 15 years because of some little thing that normal people would have gotten past. It is very painful to my grandmother who is in her late 90s to know that she won’t be able to speak to her before she dies. She is so sweet and loving and my mother used to constantly bash her - totally made up or embellished stories.
Anyway - you are in a tough situation. Work with your hubby to create acceptable boundaries and then stick to them.

First thing, How does your husband feel about this? Could he speak to his parents on your behalf? You need to discuss this VERY thoughally with him. After all, it is his mother. Once you have come to a desision, you have make your point. For example, you could say something like, "that is not appropriate" or this situation makes me uncomfortable". Be prepared to a backlash no matter what you do. You cannot change her behavior, you can only change your reaction to it. The most important thing is your emotional well being and the emotional health of your son. Good luck.

I had this issue, and I am trying to find the right words to say. My ex husbands blindness to my impossible relationship with his mother that was part of our divorce. She was a hidden alcoholic. Some of the behavior that you describe is similar to what I experienced with her. Maybe doing some reading will help you understand them.

Distance is a good solution. Also talking to your husband about protecting you from her is important. That should be happening.

If they are not nice there is no good reason to see them. I certainly would raise your child in joy and love. If you think that some people bring negative energy into your family space I would not include them.

Oh, dear, M.--- how sad --- at a time when you need and deserve tons of support, help and love- to have this to deal with-- families are not always fair, are they????

Don't let your anger make her sucessful. This is actually your husbands' task ( to tell you what he wants in terms of relationship with his Mom and to negotiate with her to give you enough of a break that you can tolerate her being part of your family circle--- . So, if he wants to see her once a month with your baby--- you could use that time to nap or shop or make potatoe pancakes - whatever will keep you away from her irritating ways. It's a tough job to work this out- but you can do it-- just be sure that it is your HUSBANDS job - since the real tie is between him and your MIL---

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

What does your husband think?
You probably can't change her.