Am I Wrong? - Buffalo,NY

Hi K..
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you handled the situations correctly. Unfortunately, for some people, you will never be "good enough". I know it hurts, but just continue to distance yourself, but don't stand in the way of their seeing the grandchildren. When they get to bashing you, don't play their game. Don't argue, don't defend yourself. Just say, that this is the way you have decided to raise your family. I pray your husband works for someone else now!
I have a terrific relationship with my ex-inlaws. It is possible! Not all in-laws are monsters. I am sorry yours are so rotten...
Hold your head high, stick to your values, and don't let them walk all over you!

Life is too short to have to deal with nasty relatives. If I were in your position, I'd mail the in laws a Christmas card and pictures of the grand kids, but I'd never go out of my way to see these people again.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say except 1) invite them to meet with the pediatrician/allergist and learn what he's allergic to and what can happen if he's given the allergens. If they can't change a meal or two each month to accommodate the grandson they claim to love so much they complain that they don't get enough time with him, then I guess you'll have to always pack a meal for him.
2) Seek counseling with your husband and help him learn to stand up to his parents. You and your children should be his first priority ALWAYS. If he can't stand up to his parents, you shouldn't be subjected to them.

I have a similar problem with my husbands family. I can completely understand where you are coming from. My husbands parents live not even 10 minutes from us and keep bashing me that I wont let them see our daughter, but when I offer for them to come over to see her they make excuses that they are too busy with their lives to come over. Its been now 2 years since they seen our daughter.

All I can tell you is just let it roll off your back if you can. People are always going to give their own opinion of how they feel others are supposed to be and there is nothing you can do to make them happy. Just let your little ones know that there are tons of people that love them. Your sons happiness is the only things that matter, just remember that. And if you need someone to vent to, send me a message. Im more then willing to listen :)

It sounds like your MIL has issues. Seriously, stand your ground and screw what she says to the fam. sounds like some major control issues. you know what... even more so she reminds me of my good friends abusive ex husband. You have more patience than i ever could. My MIL and i are close to an extent, I accept her for who she is, but she does the same for me....your MIL clealy does not. i would have nothing do to with these people until they learned boundries....and to be frank, some class. who bashes anyone in their family...especially publicly...more so, even if they don't like you, they should respect the fact that you make their son happy adn keep their mouthes shut....they don't have to go to bed with you everynight. like i said, stand your ground and stick to your boundries. i would never ever let my children visit someone who publicly bashes me...and i can't imagine I am alone in that. your inlaws need to respect you...and if they choose not to and choose not to respect your boundries they are making the choice not to see the kids, not you. this was their choice, let them make it.
i hope you feel supported because you are!
D. :)

Wow. It sounds like the grandparents feel that these are their children and have rights. It sounds like they are overstepping the boundaries, and good for you for putting your foot down. I don't think it is wrong to say, if you aren't able to provide the right food, my child's health is not worth the risk, you must come to our house. And I also wouldn't be calling, asking them to come over, or inviting yourself over (been there, done that, over it). I do think that it is now time to stand up for yourself though, and take the below suggestions about talking about you with respect at the family meeting. It is great that you and your husband are on the same page and thank him for his support. Good luck.

K. stand your ground. You have done nothing wrong. Your husband should be standing up for you more now! Sending a hug your way!

All have to say ROCK ON SISTA!! Stand your ground and Stay strong and let ur hubby that ur thankful for his support EVERYTIME. So that he knows that YOU see his efferts to support you against his family. It very hard for ANYONE to go agaist thier own.
C. C

K.,

If these are mild examples, I would forget the yearly "thrash it out BS", liquidate everything I own in order to move as far away from Buffalo as possible.

If they still want to come visit, fine, but they must stay at a hotel.

Some folks thrive on drama and it is such a waste of time and life. When you know you've done your best and gone above and beyond, you would do yourself and your family a favor by avoiding "toxic people", family or otherwise.

Blessings......

I hate when in-laws say or create drama at a hospital when you have just gone through all of the pain of having a baby. That would have done it right there. We had to move away from my in- laws to stay married. at least your husband defends you.

It won't help solve anything to break this difficult situation down in terms of right and wrong, bad guys and good guys, even though that's what seems to be happening on the "other" side of the family. You're certainly not wrong in not wanting to be the scapegoat for the family's discontent. That takes more grace and patience than most living, breathing humans are able to muster.

I'll give you the same suggestion I just gave another mom – a process called Non-Violent Communication that can do wonders (with some time and attention) in difficult family situations. That is assuming you actually want to try to maintain a relationship with your in-laws. It sounds as though your husband is even ambivalent about staying in touch with his family. Pulling away until such time as you feel willing to face it again is another possibility, although you could invite even more blame and anger. But you can probably distance yourself from it. You could even make it clear that you are doing this until such time as the family can talk to you with respect and compassion, as you would like to do with them.

I'll bet your in-laws perceive that some legitimate need of theirs is going unmet by current family dynamics, and perhaps are not clear enough about it to say what it is, or what can reasonably been done about it. This is a common human condition, which unfortunately often results in mind-reading and projecting confused or ugly motives onto others. Since you're not there participating in the conversation, you don't have the opportunity to moderate their misapprehensions.

I hope you'll check out a practical and effective communication technique called Non-Violent Communication. You can learn a simple, 4-step process that teaches you how to talk to anyone compassionately and respectfully, so that you don't add to existing negativity. You can help everyone concerned become more clear their own needs, and help tease actual feelings and needs apart from all the ideas we have that get expressed as "should" and "oughts.". You can learn how to make clear and unbiased observations that will support, rather than undermine, further communication. And you can state your feelings and needs in a way that allows the other person to hear them without feeling attacked or overwhelmed, and becoming defensive.
While it does take a bit of learning and practice, Non-Violent Communication is worth the effort, and can be effective even when used by only one person in a relationship. If this interests you, you can google the term for books, classes, summaries and examples. My husband and I have both learned these techniques and find them transformative in understanding and communicating with others, and even in understanding ourselves better. Good stuff! My best to you all

I went through the same thing with my MIL. The best thing I ever did was not let her see my kids anymore. I quit trying, calling,answering phone calls. When I got the chance, I let my husbands family I knew I was being talked about and if they ever had a question, to just ask. THey all in time learned I am not some evil wench like my MIL made me out to be. It took about 6 months before my MIL gave in and quite being a b word. We now have weekly dinners that they pay for and they call often to ask if my daughter has any activities going on they can go to. I still dont allow my kids to be alone with her for different reasons but we are working on our relationship day by day. It does suck when it goes bad, but you have done the right thing. I say quit all communication until they can learn to respect you they way you should be. GOOD LUCK!!!

Where is your husband? He needs to do more than just standing by your side instead of her side. The next time she says something nasty to or about you, he needs to stand up to her! And he needs to demand that she respect you as his wife or she won't be in the picture anymore. I don't have the best relationship with my in-laws, either, but at least my in-laws know that any opinions they have about me should be kept to themselves or my husband will be angry. You need to talk to your husband and tell him that this in interfering in your relationship with him, because it is his job to protect you from his parents (just as it is your job to protect him from yours!) If they are putting your child in danger (allergies) then you HUSBAND should have told them he would no longer allow his child in their house. You shouldn't have brought it up at all - it was his discussion to have. I don't know what you can do if your husband won't handle it. I wouldn't tolerate it. You say he is getting better - maybe he needs therapy to see how much this will damage your family. Good luck.

You have tried so much to be nice but it is time to stop.

When it comes to the food allergy I would kinda stoop to her level a bit and write a general letter addressed to all family members and state that there seems to be some "confusion" amongst the family regarding DS's food allergy (describing your son's food allergy along with a list of "rules" for food and things that must be in place for him to visit or enjoy meals with family) and that to make it easier on everyone you don't mind family coming to your home as you have already taken all the necessary precautions for his health and safety. Then mail it to ALL the family. I also would be a witch and mention that without these precautions in place your DS is having to miss out on being with his family. (turn the tables on her, but NEVER EVER MENTION HER)

Other than that - let it go and ignore them. Always be sweet and if ever confronted by family members be polite and state that it is a matter between the two of you and you don't feel comfortable putting others in the middle, especially family :) then change the subject

It would be nice if you all could move closer to your mom and leave some of the drama behind! I had issues with my Fil and Bil bad mouthing me, and I had to make it clear that I would not be disrespected if front of my children. I also had to understand that this was my husbands family, and I would never stand in the way of his relationship to them, but that does not mean that I can not limit my exposure.

I can't believe that your FIL wouldn't leave so you can breastfeed your baby, that is just plain rude and trashy. But putting your son in risk because they can/want to understand is too much.
I think you have done your part, you can't change your parents in law (unfortunately) but you can and should stay away from their abusive/childish relationship.
(Unfortunately) they are part of your family and your kid's family. If I was you I would stay away from them as much as possible and when you go, if there is immature acting I would just say, ok time to go, see you next (next year)