Mother-N-Law Question

I do that with my granddaughters & have all their life. I tell them "I love you" and they just grin. They know what is coming but they still come listen for their secret.

It could be something as simple as I love you. But question her and let her know that you as a family do not keep secrets. This may help. Good luck.

Have you ever just come right out and asked her what the secret is? Seems to be the quickest way to solve it instead of just wondering... I don't think it's wrong to want things out in the open. May be wrong, or may not at all but you may never know until you confront her.

Hello, Jill . . .

It is possible that you are reading too much into your MNL's secret telling. I, personally, have done this often with kids just as a fun thing, and never thought anything about it. Recently, I did this in a group setting, and one child looked at their dad and said, in an accusing tone,"THEY'RE TELLING SECRETS!" The dad looked at me and said, "We don't tell secrets in our family. It hurts people's feelings"

Needless to say, I was mortified . .. I have always worked well with children, and had never heard this from a parent.
I of course said, "Okay, no problem. .. " but I have thought about it since, however. I tend to avoid "political correctness" kind of thinking, because I think it is often overboard, and borders on neglect of common sense at times. I would not want to teach my children that no one can have a secret, or something different than the group.

I dislike the attitude that we all have to be the same, have the same amount, and everyone and everything has to be equal or even for everyone to be happy, or avoid hurting someone's feelings. Life isn't like that. We have different talents, different gifts, and I think it is a richer experience to appreciate differences than force everything to be the same - - it's like socialism, in a way.

If my child told me that someone had told a secret, I would tell them "I know! Isn't that fun? A special thing they are sharing! Don't you like sharing special things with your friends?" or something along that line.

With a mother in law, I agree with the advice that was given . . .I think she is just trying to have a special moment with your son. Neither you nor your parents should feel upset - - each adult in your son's life can have special moments with him, and who's counting? He's not a commodity - he's a child to be enjoyed.

I think you're thinking too much. She's just trying to have a little special thing she does with your son, and that's wonderful. 3 year olds love secrets, and it's nice that she's having a special little thing with him, just like each child should have their own time and traditions with each parent that is just their own. Don't read so much into it.

I think you're thinking too much. It's just her way of getting him to come over so that she can have a little private time with him.

Now, if he's in the middle of playing a game or talking to another guest at the function and she does it to pull him away from one person and get him to her then that's rude. But if he's not really engaging with anyone at the moment and she does it to get his attention, it's fine!

Sometimes I do this with my own kids and then just whisper "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" or sometimes I whisper "I'm gonna get you" and then I tickle them....it depends on the mood I'm in. I'm sure it's very sweet and innocent and it's probably one of those "special grandma" things you're son will remember for a lifetime.

Good Luck,
K.

I think that she is just trying to bond with the boy, looking for a little one on one time with him. you are blessed that she wants so much to be a part of the boys life. Someday when you realy need a break and she is happy to take him for a weekend, you will decide that you are greatful for their relationship. I think you are worried because she is the MIL, if it were your mom trying to bond with him I bet you would think it was adorable and special! Learn to appreciate the love and support that grandparents can offer. Be blessed and "KNOW" that you are blessed. Happy Gatherings!

Jill,

I think you are at least a bit paranoid. "I've Got a Secret" is a VERY OLD game that had been played with children for years (centuries, maybe, at least in the South and in my experience.)

I was a VERY active child and my great grandmother used to entice me to come over to cuddle in her lap by saying "I've got a secret..." in a very "fetching" manor. When I would excitedly go over to her to hear her "secret", she would hug me and tell me things like: "...I LOVE you!" or "... you are so smart" or "... you have the cutest smile." It was all VERY harmless and was her means to establish intimacy between her and me.

My great-grandmother was crippled and walked with the aid of one crutch. Upon a few occasions (for convenience to her so that she did not have to relocate, and as a treat to me) the two of us would eat a meal in the living room and watch TV, while my parents and grandparents ate at the table in the dining room. One such occasion, when I was about 10 years old, my great-grandmother and I were eating on TV trays in my grandmother's newly carpeted living room. When I accidentally "tipped" a hamburger upside down onto the new carpet, I just about panicked. I quickly shot a "look" at my GGM, who's eyebrows were arched in surprise but who's bright blue eyes twinkled like stars and she said, "Daisies don't tell," and gave a "tick-lock" sign to her lips. I laughed and most importantly calmed down enough to pick up the burger (which did NOT create a mess, amazingly enough.) Believe me, I carefully checked the carpet for ANY soil! We ate our meal, enjoyed our show and she never said a word to anyone about the "accident," nor did I. Do you know what is interesting about that story? I am 55 years old and my GGM is long dead and gone, and I can STILL see her face and hear those words and FEEL the sweep of confidence (with the emphasis upon the initial word-part, "CONFIDE.") I believe that she gave me a solid grounding and feeling of "security and camaraderie" with her manner. To this day, I LOVE and relate-well to elderly people.

Of course, YOU know your family environment; and parents must protect their children from "secrets" that MIGHT be harmful. But, no doubt, you are acquainted with the beliefs and behaviors of your MIL and your husband's family, at least to some degree. So, I think you need to treat this behavior appropriately in light of how upright and loving your in-laws behave. In my family, I cannot imagine anyone ever thinking of the "I've got a secret" game as anything but intimacy-building and loving.

Hope this helps with "another perspective."

God bless you,
K.

Sorry, I do think you're overreacting. She's just playing a fun game of whispering, which three year olds love.

With that said, it is rude to tell secrets and three year olds need to be taught that.

Still, I'd say she's just having a fun relationship with your baby. That's not a bad thing.

I think it really depends on the situation.

Is she saying it as soon as he gets involved in a conversation or activity with someone else, then it may be a jeolousy thing. She may be insecure that she isn't the favorite grandparent or even that she is not liked by the child. We have to remember that our parents have insecurites also. If this is the case you might schedule more time with just her and your son. That way she doesn't have to feel as though she is competing with your parents for your son's love.

If she is saying it when he is playing by himself or standing in line for the food buffet or if he is just being bored by being around a lot of adults, she may just be whispering sweet sayings to him. This can be a very special thing just between the two of them.

Ever since my daughters were young and even until today, I'll whisper that I love them, or I think they are fantastic, or that they are special, or that I'm so glad that God blessed our family with them. This is putting positive deposits in their emotional bank accounts so that hopefully whenever they are having a bad day or someone says something negative to them, they will have enough positive deposits to combat any negative feelings. Plus we all need to know that we are loved and that we are special to someone.

P.S. The following is more about teaching our children about secrets. This not suggesting that your mother in law is doing anything improper.

We have also talked to our daughters about secrets. We have told them that unless their dad and or I would be happy, excited or pleasantly surprised about the secret (birthday presents, surprise party, etc.), then they should tell us about the secret. If someone asks them to keep a secret that doesn't fall into one of the above catagories, then they really need to let us know because they may be in situation that they need to have some adult help with. I was molested as a child and one of the things that my molester constantly said was that "this is our secret and don't tell anyone." Unfortunately I was taught to always obey an adult and do what they said. So it was very confusing as a child to know what to do. I knew what was happening was wrong but I was also told by an adult to not tell my parents. This is why we have spent time teaching our daughters about boundaries, being able to respectfully say no to adults, and what type of secrets are good secrets. My daughters are now in jr. high and high school so I know and understand their secrets are going to go beyond what someone got me for a present. They have friends who know that they can confide in them. I will still ask them how things are going, are their friends OK, is there anything going on that I can help with. They know that I would do anything in the world to protect or help them or their friends.

OK, I'll get off my soapbox now.

she sounds like my mom and MIL, just doing whatever it takes to get the child's attention. as annoying as it is, i try to overlook most of these 'tactics' and just be thankful that they love my child. however, and i hope you don't think i'm being paranoid, an old friend of mine was molested as a child and made a point to teach her kids to never keep secrets from her. once when i babysat her daughter i told her that we'd buy a donut ("just our little secret") and she surprised me by telling me that she doesn't keep secrets from her mom. later i brought it up the the mom and she explained her reasons, and i thought it was wise and have decided to do the same with my children. so anyways, that's the only harmful thing i can think about keeping a secret and i've already asked my husband to gently talk to his mom when she think it's funny to sneak behind our back to get him a candy-- not a good lesson for him in the long run. :)

Hi Jill,

My youngest is now 6yo. My MNL tried this with my oldest and I mentioned to her that it was not okay. If I can remember right my father n law was there and backed me up. Your MNL could feel that telling your 3yo she has a secret is her way of bonding with him. This really isn't good. You shouldn't allow anyone to have secrets with your child(ren). You have to raise him and keep him safe. If you can't talk with her ask your husband or father n law to talk with her. Just let her know that secrets are not a good thing to teach little kids. There are other ways she can bond with him. My Mom likes to read books to her grandkids, they play in the garden, draw pictures, and finds other things to do.
Be patient. Good Luck. I hope things work out for you.
Have a great day.

Think back, is it just at family functions this happens? I know I have whispered to my grandchildren that I have a secret and the secret was always "I love you." Does this bother your parents or just bother you? I am always thankful for everything the other grandparents do for our grandchildren and they have voiced the same feeling. We are not in competition.

Nah, who cares. Kid games are kid games. You played them, I played them.............it's not like we play them now, it's not like it teaches us to whisper in the company of other's. Don't worry, if your mother in law is out to get you or something then she would have been much more creative than that.

she is probably just trying to get his attention so she can spend some time with him.
i wouldnt worry about it too much, just ask your son what the secret is!

Are you worried about him being abused or just about this possibly being rude?

You say she does this at family functions - birthdays, weddings, etc? Is it just any time it is more than you, your husband and your son? Does she do it when it is just y'all? Does she just call him over, whisper to him and then off he goes or do they go to another room? Does it bother others at the party or are you just worried that it might bother others? If it's just a whisper and off he goes then it is probably just "I love you's". Maybe say something to your MNL like "Bobby really likes when you call him over. What do you say to him that makes him feel so loved? Could we start having him call you just to have you say that to him?" Don't bring it up in a protective Mom way, that will make her defensive and you won't be able to get an answer that helps you decide.

We do this same kind of thing with our kids: They'll be playing and just to be silly I'll call them over and pull them to me and say "I love you, don't tell anyone, they'll think we're wierd" and then we'll giggle and off they go. My daughter has had friends tell her it's wierd that she enjoys our being around so much like at school functions and things like that (usually the ones whose parents aren't ever able to show up). One day my daughter came up to me and said "I love you, don't tell anyone, they'll think we're wierd" and we have made it our little joke ever since. However, we only do the whispering when it's just us, not with friends or family around.

We have had extensive talks about others feelings and safe secrets. Like one of the other Moms, I was molested by someone I was never supposed to disobey but I knew it was wrong and by a couple of others who didn't know each other or that the other times had happened. What to do? I didn't know who to trust anymore.

I have taught my kids that they can keep secrets for their friends ONLY if the secret isn't hurting anyone: Is the friend unusually sad, does the friend want to do something bad to him/herself or to someone else, is a rumor spreading about someone, is the friend being hurt or threatened, does the friend know someone being hurt or scared? These need to be brought to me and I'll help her decide if the friend needs help and how to help.

Do they not like the way someone is acting, not want to play with others that day, do they have a special experience they shared, is it a good surprise for someone, presents for someone? These are okay to share when they are alone, but it's not okay to whisper in a group like at a party or during a group activity - if they are just a couple of kids on their own at recess then it's okay. In a group setting (like with your MNL) others can think that they are talking about them or feel excluded. If it's truly a secret then they don't need to be sharing it in front of others and making a point of leaving others out. That is not what GROUP activities are for.

I have told my daughter that if she's not sure if it's good or bad, then tell me and I'll help her figure it out, and if it's good she can be comfortable keeping her friend's confidence. I have also explained that if she promises not to tell a secret, then she MUST honor that promise, she can NOT tell anyone except me and her Dad. (If it's a safe secret, then I'll pretend I never heard it.) If she tells the secret to other friends then she is a gossip and her friends won't trust her with important things.

She has come to me with a couple and we have let her know that most were good, but she did come to me with one that could have ruined a school counselor's career and reputation. A troubled 2nd grader in my daughter's class was constantly saying sexual things to and about other students (I witnessed this on a few occasions), calling female teachers horrible names and just really acting out in general so he was constantly in the principal's and counselor's offices. He told two girls in their classroom that he had had sex with the counselor in her office. He then told them he made it up. The two girls then began to spread it around but didn't tell anyone else that the storyteller admitted it was made up and said "it's a secret". My daughter told me this when I picked her up from school, I asked a few closer questions and realized the seriousness. We went straight back to school, I found my daughter's teacher, who then had my daughter tell the principal, and after the trama of my daughter telling the principal this VERY detailed story I asked if I could tell the counselor because they wanted her to hear exactly what had been spread but I didn't want my daughter to have to tell it again. My daughter understands that sex is for adults and modesty in this subject about tore her apart. The counselor was heartbroken and fell into tears. The rumor had already been going around for a couple of days. I know the counselor and when you have been abused several times by different adults, you get a feel for people like that just being in the same room with them - she wouldn't do this. They talked with the boy and he was all "oh, that? I was just telling stories to shock the others. No, that didn't happen." He couldn't understand how the story could have hurt her and he didn't really care. If my daughter hadn't understood about good and bad secrets, a GOOD and caring counselor would have lost her job over a lie.

This is more than likely a special thing between them, but if it bothers you look into it.

Ask your son what she says. Then just let it be. It's nice to have a special thing between grandparent and child, that may be there "thing" fun for grandma and child... as long as it is an innocent secret. Don't think too much. Let them enjoy it.

Only you or your husband would know if she is trying to one-up your parents' relationship with your son. I would have my husband ask her about this. If you approach the subject with her it could cause problems. My kids are grown now, but my MNL used to always come to family functions with candy or some small cheap gift. I never knew it made my mom uncomfortable until years later. As it turned out though, my children are now closer to MY MOM rather than my MNL. Kids grow up and always see through the games adults play. They love both their grandmas, but they also know who has the fake tendencies. I had a great realationship with my MNL for 25 years, then I approached an uncomfortable situation with her, rather than my husband. We have never completely recovered and it has now been 5 years. Hopefully you have a more even tempered MNL than I do!

I personally dont think its the right thing to say to a child. I always get afraid when my son and my mother share secrets. I know they are just being silly but I always have to remind him that you should never keep secrets from your parents. I want him to know that he can tell me anything, no matter what.
A secret, whispers, etc are just not polite, even as a game.
Because your child is so young I dont think its a good thing to start allowing. I wouldnt be upset or worried about it, but I would pull her to the side and politely ask her not to do the "secret" thing. Maybe they could call the game- if it is that- something else. I would explain your principles to her and hopefully you MIL with all her wisdom and expertise will not become terribly offended.
Or else just deal with it and forget it. Maybe "we" are making much to do about nothing. :)

I say trust whatever instinctual feeling you have about it. If it feels wrong or uncomfortable, it probably is. If is an innocent whisper, "I love you" in his ear .... wouldn't that be something worth saying to him out loud. It teaches him to block out or ignore other people around him and their feelings, which usually want to teach our children to RESPECT others (esp. our loved ones/and esp. adults) that are around us. MNL's can be tricky. Go with your gut feeling. Also, when other children are around, it WILL certainly hurt their feelings to be "excluded."

I am laughing out loud after reading all of these responses!! Isn't it funny how different they all are? You got everything from - secrets are dangerous, you must stop this immediately - to - you should just shut your trap and be grateful that your MIL wants to be a part of your children's lives!!!! Also couldn't help but noticing that some of your most harshest responses were signed, "God Bless" or talked about your "blessings". So everyone's got a different opinion which just goes to show you that there is no right answer. You just have to follow your gut and decide how important this behavior is to you. I think at the end of the day your MIL is probably just trying to bond with your child but certainly doing it in a very public way that is making other people feel bad. Loved the advice about talking to your Mom about coming up with some of their own traditions. Also thought it was super helpful to find out that this is an old game that many grandmothers play with their grandchildren. And just want to say that you are not "paranoid", just a mother trying to do her best. Aren't we all?

What does your husband say? Maybe she is just telling him she loves him sooooooooo much.. Maybe she did something similar with your husband... When your son get a little older he will probably be telling you what she says... anyway.... Guess I had it easy as we usually had functions with his family or my family but not both at the same time.

J.

Well I personally do not like "secret telling." It causes confusion and questions just like you posted. It does seem a little odd especially if your mnl makes a point for others to hear her tell him that she has a secret. If you, with our motherly instincts feels funny about the situation your probably right about it! Now saying something to her(mnl) may be a whole new issue. I hope all goes well!!

If I were in your spot, I would politley tell your MNL that we are trying to teach our child good manners and as we all know, telling "secrets" or whispering in the presence of others is considered rude and you want your child to know this, so to please stop teaching him things that others consider rude behavior or just plain "Bad Manners"
Hope this helps!

Although your little one is only 3 years old, your MNL is teaching him that it's okay to whisper in company.
It's rude to whisper in company.
I don't know what her motive could be - she could be whispering in his ear something as benign as "I love you".
She may feel a little threatened by the other gran's presence and wants more of his undivided attention.

Woah! What kind of a "secret" is she telling him? Yes, it's rude for starters, but INCREDIBLY suspicious, too. Talk to your son and find out what it is Grandma has to tell him all the time and be sure he knows he can tell you anything and he's safe and loved. God forbid it's the worst and he's afraid to tell.

It sounds to me like your MNL has some sort of personal issue. It's very obvious that she uses the phrase, "I have a secret to tell you", just to keep your son physically close to her. Controlling much??

My advice would be the next time it happens, say something to her immediately. If you suspect that she has used that phrase on your son again, ask her, "What's the secret?" just to see what she says. Then I would explain to her that your son is apart of the entire family and is not to be used as some sort of possession of her's only to make her feel better about herself.

This might seem a little in your face, but you might have to be like that with her.

I think that she is teaching the boy bad manners and habits and that it should be approached with her in that manner. We do not keep secrets in our family nd we discuss everything at its appropriate time with the individuals involved. But it is not a "I've got a secret thing". That kind of thinking and teaching is teaching the child to be unsure about what in the world can be trusted and that it is okay to keep things away from the very people that they are supposed to trust. Personally I would discuss it with my hubby and then together ask her to stop and explain why and if it continues then indicate that we feel she is not setting the right example for the child and limit the child's time with her.
The secret game is a childish game that has potential for a great deal of harm.

You are not over reacting or thinking "too much". This is inappropriate behavior for your MNL. Begin a conversation with her and your husband (grandfather?) so that you can be clear what is actually going on.

I don't agree with this. I would simply state, "Well, we have been learning about not keeping secrets at home, so I would appreciate it if you could support us on this." My MNL actually came one weekend and while we were in the car, my step-son son told my kids, "Hey, you know what? Tomorrow morning me and my sister and Nana are going to get up really really early and sneak out to go have breakfast at McDonald's....just us." I turned and looked at "Nana" and she wouldn't even look at me--she acted as if she hadn't heard it. So, I just simply waited....and I told my two not to worry about it, that if that happened, we would go our separate ways and have breakfast and a whole day of activities...fortunately, Nana must have seen that this wouldn't have flown in my house, b/c the next morning they "snuck" out for a walk, but not McDs. And when they returned, my step kids were so excited that they had "sneaked" out and gotten away with it....and I just simply stated, "Well, don't be so proud. Being sneaky is not cute and can get you into trouble. And, how would you like it if I snuck out with my two children so that we could go on a walk without having to take you?" There was no response, but my point was driven home and my husband reinforced it later (he was having to work that weekend, so wasn't home to witness this). The kids are all the same age, roughly, 7 to 12 yrs old, my two being the oldest, so it's not like they were sneaking out without the "baby" or anything.

Telling secrets and being sneaky at 3 only makes you have to "undo" these behaviors later.

Just to assuage any anxiety, I also played "I have a secret" with my grandmother as a little girl and it was always "I love you" or some such sweet sentiment. I have a 3 year old and there is little I could not get him to tell me secret or not. Have a talk with him and ask him what the "secret" is. If it is the harmless game he will tell you. If this is all it is, let it go. It may just be her special thing with your children. If your parents are out of the loop, encourage them to have something similar. My mom has started some traditions with my son that she saw her mother do with me (which may have come from my great-grandmother's interaction with her). If you have similar fond memories, encourage your parents to do those things with your children.

If, however, for some reason what your son says about the "secret" disturbs you then act on it in an appropriate manner.

Don't feel bad, at least your mother in law is around others when she is doing it. My mother in law thinks that she is the only grandparent that exists, and constantly wants my kids to come to her house. To the point my kids don't like going out there.If this ever happens just start putting your foot down and expain to her how you feel. It may upset her, but hopefully she will understand better then mine does.

Hi Jill,
Sounds like your right on target. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then I'm sure your not reading to much into this. Insecurity is where secret telling comes from anyway. The MIL probably feels insecure where she stands with the other grandparents in the childs life. Everyone knows that when your told a secret your not to treat everyone equally. The best security for your child in reality is that when he sees that everyone gets along it makes his world complete. My brother's wife's parents use to be in competition with my parents. Its confusing for the kids because they learn from a very young age that its not okay to love everyone the same. I would nip this one in the bud nicely. Good luck with this one, everyone seems to be sensitive with this kind of stuff.

It is rude and you can tell her so without being rude yourself. You have the right to say if something makes you uncomfortable, it is your family. Good Luck

This sounds very rude to me. I would definitely pull her aside next time she does it OR better yet when she says this take your child by the hand and say "yes, we were just going to the potty (or something)" and come with her to see what the fuss is all about.

Personally I wouldn't like this. I don't think "secrets" are a good thing to get kiddos in the habit of. I think it is completely rude when I see others whispering into each others ears, so I would not allow this to continue. I'm sure she is not meaning for it to come off this way, but you have to think of the future and what this might do in the long run. Again, I'm sure it is completely innocent on her part. But if you are even questioning those on Mamasource, it appears as though it is not okay with you.

I think your mother-in-law is just having fun with your son. She may not realize that what she's doing may make others feel uncomfortable. You need to trust her, though. I know that there are some "nut jobs" out there who might say inappropriate things to a toddler, but I doubt that your mother-in-law is one of them. Use your best judgment. She is just trying to form a special bond with him.

If it really bothers you, I'd ask her if she'd consider telling her "secrets" when it's just the two of them. That way, no one would get their feelings hurt. Be sure to approach her with sensitivity, though. Wouldn't want to cause a problem, you know!!!

I wouldn't take it personally. Grandparents want to be the favorite. It is especailly hard for the man's parents. Your in law problems could be much worse.
That being said, your children should not keep secrets from you. Next time I would just say that "Secrets aren't nice." and see what happens. It isn't safe for your children to think it is ok to keep secrets, especially at this age. They are just venturing into the world alone, going to preschool, church, lessons, and playing at friend's houses. This could make your child an easier target for a trusted adult or older child to take advantage of this secret telling habit.
You might just talk to your MIL about the dangers of this practice and let her know that, even though her secrets might be harmless, it is not an ok practice for children. Maybe suggest, a replacement phase like, "Jonny, Guess what!?..." Same excitment leave is recieved and there are no secrets.
No not everything in life should be equal, but I believe that people should lead their lives as an open book. Secrets are rude and dangerous.

Let her ruin herself.

But, make sure that your son knows to never ever keep a secret from you. If someone asks him to keep a secret from his mother, than that is a bad person. They should agree, but then come and tell you anyway. Remember, a surprise is different than a secret.

My MIL plays favorites. I've mentioned it to her, but she doesn't see that she does it I don't think. So, I've left it alone. My children see it though and she's ruining herself. I'm not involved and therefore there is no association with me in any negative feelings. (my children are 7,5,& 3)

Hi Jill:

I don't think it is appropriate to teach children to keep secrets. I am not implying that your MIL is doing anything beyond playing a bonding game. However, sexual predators of children often use the idea of secrets as a tool to prey upon their targets. You have to start somewhere to lay a foundation that protects your child against those traps. And forbidding adult-to-child secret games and the idea of keeping secrets from you is a start.

I'm not sure about all the 1-upping. But in this day and age we can not afford to allow others...any others to tell out babies "secrets" even if it is your MNL and you trust her completely, it might later on confuse your son about "secrets bad people tell them to keep. I made a rule in my house that there are no secrets, if every one can't hear it it is not worth saying. And to get around the inevitable birthday Christmas "secrets" we do not call them secrets, but surprises. So I don't think you are reading to much into it. But I think your mommy alarm went off and you need to answer it.. Best of luck, God Bless.

What a variety of answers you have! I did the same thing with my grandmother and again, it was the "I love you" statement - or when I got older it was if I wanted to go to the shoe sale at a boutique we both loved. It is, to me, just a special thing between his grandmother and him that they can play. Ask your son what is being said if you are concerned. Kids at 3 are not good at keeping secrets at all. Don't we all have secrets though? My only question is whether or not you would feel the same if it were your own mother doing it? There is usually built in animosity with the mother in law between the mom and other grandmother on occasion. I'm not saying this is happening but it could be something that is overly sensitive. I am probably too soft on this because my children only have my mother since my MNL passed away but I loved all of the special things they always had because that is what my children will always remember.