Mother Doesn't Respect My Decisions in Raising My Son

Sounds like you need to make other arrangements. I would sign him up for preschool full-time. You can either lie and say the teacher suggested it, or you can be honest and tell her you prefer him to be in school.

You have valid concerns, and your mom isn't paying attention to them. Tell her that you WILL keep him in school everyday if she won't care for his health and emotional welfare according to your wishes. Tell her this is her chance to decide. Then follow through.

It's not your business what she chooses to think and feel. As long as you have been fair, expressed your needs clearly, and given her chances to comply, you've taken care of your business.

I'm a granny in a similar situation to your mom's. BUT, I pay close attention to the concerns of my daughter and son-in-law. This relationship is terribly important to me, and I do not take it for granted. I've asked them to tell me if there is anything they would ever like me to do differently. My grandboy is utterly precious to me, and so is my relationship to his mommy and dad. If I were as cavalier as your mom, I would expect to lose my grandboy privileges.

Good luck. I know this will be hard for you. But you are not the one wrecking the relationship. It's already become untenable and unhealthy.

It sounds to me like a no brainer...put your child in preschool 5 days a week or get someone else to watch him. There is no reason to jepordize your relationaship with your mom and consequently her relationship with your son because you two have different views on raising children.

That being said, I kind of think you are overreacting. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren...but at what cost? If he doesn't listen to you or gets mad if you don't give him cookies and treats like she does, that is a different story.

Bottom line, you need to confront her with how you feel. Tell her that he is your son and that although she may not agree with how you are raising him, YOU are his mother.

On her side - she raised you. How well did you turn out? She probably didn't feel you sweets and bring you toys all the time, but do you really think donuts 2x a week is going to hurt him in the longrun? If anything, he'll have fond memories of grandma bringing over donuts a few times a week and bringing him toys. Explain to her that you like them to have their time together, but not at the expense of his health.

If you want him to adhere to a specific diet, have stuff prepared and ask her to feed it to him. Maybe not ONLY those things but have her give him some fruits/veggies along with the donuts.

Tea (IMO) is not that big of a deal - some are caffeine free. If she thinks they are caffeine free, she probably views them like water.

When my MIL watches our daughter, she always brings over snacks/dinner/candy/etc. I always used to worry about what they'd make her for dinner and would either make something or set something out. Then I'd find out later she would just eat some of what they brought. Does she eat more junk food when they are there? Yes. Does she eat more candy when she is there? Probably. But the bottom line is that she raised 9 kids and they all turned out okay so I'm just not worrying about it.

But if you can't 'turn it off' and not worry, then you need to either have a serious talk with her (and risk damaging your relationship because she will think that you are saying she is incapable of taking care of him) or just tell her you've decided your son needs preschool 5x a week and she could certainly pick him up 1x a week (and spoil him for an hour or so).

If you don't like what she does when she is watching him for you then you need to put him in preschool full time or find someone else to watch him. Of course she is going to be upset but if you think it is best for your child or you just can't handle that she won't listen to what you want then you have to make different arrangements.

put him in day care all week. maybe set aside 1 day that you both can take him to the park for her "special time with him" and provide the snacks. most grandparents seem to think it doesnt hurt kids to get sugared up and such. i dont like my daughter to have a lot of candies and such either. maybe bag up a small amount of goodies for him durring the days she comes over if you decide to let her continue watching him. i agree that it will damage your relationship with your mother if this continues. lay it on the line one more time and tell her directly that it needs to stop by next week or your son will be in day care full time.
i know how you feel as soon as i find a job my daughter will go into day care also and my inlaws are not happy at all about it. but i think its best or i will have a demon child because they dont follow our rules my husband and i have for her.

OMG, if affordably put your son preschool all week. Your excuse? You want him in preschool all week because you think it best for his development.

She might not believe you though and your son will still spend time with her as she is his grandmother. So next I would develop a system in my home. Have rules laid out for your son and ask her to support them. If she takes donuts give him one and have her take the rest away, if she refuses tell her o.k but I will take the rest to the office or wherever your place of work is. Throw them in the trash when she is gone, if you like. Just make sure she gets the message that your son will not be allowed to have them. Try to have a talk to her about his nutrition, tell her you are concerned about childhood obesity, childhood hypertension and diabetes that are now more popular because of food choices. Tell here, he spends time with her so you need her help. She might resist but you have to stay strong.

Find a way to let her know you are in charge (even though you love that she is involved in his life). You have to say it and mean. You also have to be careful of how much (often) you call upon on her for advise,babysitting etc otherwise you lose control and then it will be your fault.

Good luck finding a new equilibrium.

Wow, you could be my sister with her MIL. She previously didn't have a choice as her babysitter was only 4 days a week, but as soon as my niece got to preschool, it is now 5 days a week. Her MIL has thrown a fit a couple times, and they still have tension, but not the weekly issues that they used to have. Let you mother know that the consistency of 5 days a week, and the socialization are great for him and he really enjoys his friends. You don't need to make this a personal issue. Make sure that you allow her to babysit (if you still want her too), but put your foot down about the foods - take them away if you need to. You can tell her about what you allow and don't but unfortunately, if you are away and it is there, you can't stop her doing it. If it is just babysitting, the time will be limited, and hopefully the affects will be too.

I'm in the camp of severing ties with your mother as his caregiver those 2 days each week.
It sounds like it's creating more harm than good, and it could severely jeopardize your relationship in the future.

There's no way I could have my mother watch my kids. She just doesn't respect different ways of doing things - how she is today is completely different from how she was when we were growing-up. I see how she succumbs to the whims of my nephews/nieces, and it's the complete antithesis of how she was as a parent to us.

The simple fact that she blatantly disregards your wishes would be reason enough for me to put an end to it. It doesn't mean she can't spend time with him - it just would indicate the need to have his care elsewhere.

He's at an age where I think you can justify making a change based upon what you believe to be in his best social/educational interests and can place blame on his recent 2 year-old outbreaks and the need for more structure.

My personal observations are that grandparents want to instill their wisdom to us, but they forget that much of their own wisdom came from their own trials/errors that they had to make as parents.

Best wishes.

Go purchase or checkout the book called "Mama Drama" by Denise McGregor. Every woman needs to read this book on how to deal with their mother. It will change your relationship for the better! I'm currently using it daily and it has been successful!

It seems to me that letting your mother watch him 2 days a week is already causing tension in the family and rifts in your relationship with her. So, if that is your only reason for not putting him in pre-school full time, then its not really valid.

I would put him into pre-school full time and she can see/play with him on the weekends or evenings.

I completely understand your fustration as my mother and mother in-law watch my children and I can definately have the same response on you (especiallywith my mother in-law). My best advice would be to put the child in preschool 5 days a week (if you can) as the school education and peer involvement area always a good thing. Also remember that your mother wants to be a grandmother not a caregiver and they don't always distringuise between the two. Grandmothers spoil and give grandkids things they can't always have with mom. Caregivers have to "be mom" when mom is not around. It is a fine line. Good Luck!

Sending him to preschool, everyday... is NOT "disinvolving" your Mom. This is for his own good (and yours), and for his learning about school and developing properly.
Next: you tell her the DOCTOR said, NO junk food... AND that SHE is HARMING his health. If she does not listen, just do not leave your son with her at her home. She is... actually HARMING your son... and his development and healthy... THAT is NOT loving... that is mean. She is really really a menace... sorry. But, her feeding him all that junk and the way she "raises" him... is all so very very toxic. She wants to keep him a baby... not allowing him to grow up. Nor respectfully. She does not respect him... she is simply doing what she wants... and she is actually harming him. This... is not loving.
Tell her: this is YOUR son... not hers. YOU are the parent. If she does not grow-up and stop harming him... she will have NO involvement with him... or only under supervision.

Maybe find a Babysitter for him, not your Mother.
She will not stop... anytime soon, or if anything.

She is sort of displacing her needs, onto him. And as you know... this will only undermine your parenting and create confusion for your son.

I would, if you are able to, find a babysitter for him.

All the best,
Susan

I agree-- if full week preschool is an option, go for it. My husband and I were (and still are) VERY clear with our parents about what our boys may not eat (also 2 1/2). We've been so forceful as to say that if they don't respect what we want, they won't be allowed to see the kids unsupervised. Harsh? Absolutely, but at least we're a unified front. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone. Be strong and always remember that YES! you are the mom in this situation and therefore what you say goes. It sounds like there is A LOT of tension going on right now, so putting your son in preschool will probably just change the focus, rather than adding any more.

It sounds like you've already talked to her repeatedly about this. You might try one more time and just tell her that if she won't do as you ask, she won't be able to keep him those two days. Stress that you have problems with him when she isn't around and it is because of the spoiling. Then if she won't comply you will have given her fair warning and will have to stick to your guns. Parent/grandparent relationships can be difficult!

I am a grandma myself and I don't get to see my grandson (almost three years old) but a couple of times a month. I love to bring him things, but I believe that you can show them love in lots of other ways besides empty calorie treats. I play with him and try to bring clothes and books a lot more often than toys, apples and snack mix instead of candy (I do sometimes give him Reese's peanut butter cups, because he loves them, but not often). My ex husband keeps the little guy when daddy is at work and that is a bit of an issue because he and my son do not agree sometimes. It's caused many an argument. I've learned that grandparents want to be grandparents and when they care for grandchildren it is hard NOT to be grandparents. Good luck to you!

I'd make the switch to preschool. You don't have to tell your mom that it's because of her. Her behavior would drive me crazy, too, and frankly I wouldn't put up with it anymore. She's completely disrespecting you and how you want to raise your son. Best of luck. It will be rough at first, but hopefully the close relationship you had w/ your mom pre-child will eventually resume. Once she's not calling all the shots :)

Honestly, she sounds like a typical grandma to me. Ours do the same things with our kids. However, that doesn't mean it has to frustrate you continuously.

It sounds like this arrangement isn't working out. If she's criticizing you and not following your wishes, then I wouldn't put her in charge of your child those days anymore. I would just extend the time in preschool and be done with it. I would just tell your mom that you appreciate all that she's done but that you feel like this arrangement has harmed your personal relationship. To get things back on track, you want to just extend his time at preschool. Be honest that it hurts you when she goes against your wishes and criticizes you.

Good luck!

I agree that full time pre-school sounds like a good idea, although there will be repurcussions with your mother. You might be surprised that if you put your foot down and be firm with her, she'll back off.
On the health front - do a search on "tea plus iron deficiency" (not good for kids), print one out and give it to your mother. Ditto with the sugary stuff. Is she going to pay his dental bills?

this is so unfortunate, but mom's behavior is unacceptable. u need to find someone else to watch your son or at least "bluff" her for a few wks. my parents think i'm a bit of a food nazi, but their final answer is "well if that's what u want your kids to have then we respect that" - don't worry about her spoiling him w/toys, that's what grandparents do...but the food is a different story. maybe u could take her bag w/you when she comes in and eventually she may get it...i know it's hard, but u have to put your foot down.

J.,

I am a grandma of 8 - I have a very active role in all of their lives! I am fortunate to be able to watch them many times while mom and dad are at work, sometimes it's only an hour or two but it is always good times. It sounds like your mom is being very difficult to you, but perhaps you need to look at this from a different view, all I saw in your post is that she isn't doing it your way! She's not going to, she is not you and she wants to have fun with her grandson, but there is a need for balance. Talk to her and see if the two of you can reach an agreement. Let her bring him a small package of the donuts that have 6 donuts in them, encourage her to bring him books to read or educational toys to help his development. That way you are not attacking her way of taking care of your son/her grandson, but you are trying to work things out for your son's benefit. Daycare is great and they learn a lot there, however, there are also things that they can learn from grandma that daycare won't teach them...I hope you can work things out for your SONS sake!! He needs a grandma in his life:)

L.

Wow, my sympathies are with you. I could feel anger stirring up inside me as I read your post, because there is nothing more frustrating than to be second-guessed.

Your son belongs to you. He is not your mother's son, period. If you want control about what he is being fed and given to play with and how he is disciplined, you cannot let your son continue to be watched by your mother. Your son will lose respect for you as he gets older, when he sees who is really in charge.

It's going to be painful and possibly very ugly, but you are going to have decide what is more important to you - peace with your mother, and things continuing the way they are, or for her to respect that you are in charge of your son, and that you make the decisions regarding his food and toys, etc.?

If you decide that you want to be more in control, you will have to (temporarily, at least) not allow him to be watched by your mother for a while. Most likely she will be very angry and hurt and might even write you off as no longer being her daughter. If she responds that way, it might or might not last. She might come around and realize that you deserve to have your requests respected and obeyed. She may never come around and pout about it or shut you out of her life. You know her better than I do.

An occasional sugary donut and toys are one thing, but on a more than once a weekly basis? Whether she realizes it or not she is already setting the tone for turning him into a rotten, spoiled child who will resent you more and more for not giving in the way she does. On the other hand, he may grow to realize that you actually are concerned for his welfare and respect you for it. But that might not happen until he is grown up or much older. At his age he wants what he wants.

I would recommend having a heart to heart with your mother right away. If she ignores you and tries to continue with things like you never had the conversation she will be in for a rude awakening when she finds out that your son is being entrusted to someone else twice a week. It will hurt but sometimes we have to apply tough love, even with our parents. She should be ashamed of herself. But maybe she misses the control she had over you and her other children (if she had any) and sees her grandson as a chance to be a parent again, and to get to do all the fun things that she didn't get to do with him when she was a parents. From what I hear, being a grandparent is a blast! My daughters' grandmothers love to take them to the zoo, out shopping, and give them many treats. There have been times when one of the grandmothers has gone way overboard on the treats and we have left a few days later a few pounds heavier. But since we don't live close to either grandparent, we suck it up. If our daughters were around these grandmothers all the time my older daughter would be extremely obese because of her genetic makeup. But we're not around them every week, and it's probably better that way, even though we hate being so far away.

You mother sounds like she is used to being in charge and doesn't like giving you credit for being in the "in charge" role now with your own son. God help her! Set your limits now before it gets worse. Prepare to deal with her being very hurt and angry, but that will be the price you will have to pay for gaining respect. If she doesn't come around, then her pride is getting in the way of her love for you and her grandson.

Blessings to your family.

If you don't like how she is caring for your child, don't let her. It's up to you. Saying you don't want to send him to preschool full time because you don't want to create tension in the family is a cop out. If something is important to you, you have to take a stand. Sometimes feelings get hurt. And, for the record, your concerns are valid. I completely agree that children should not be eating that junk.

I understand your frustrations. My thought would be to have someone else take care of him or you yourself take care of him. Mothers need to be needed, they have already raised their children and do not feel the need to be strict the second time around - they want to enjoy the time with the child. My mother in law takes care of my youngest during the day and I run into similar battles. The truth is, if you do not like it, do it yourself. Sounds harsh, but you and I both should feel blessed to have someone help us out. It may also help to get on the same page with her - discuss how you feel when she talks to you a certain way and listen to why she says it or what is actually meant by it. I plan on taking care of my girls myself within the next year so I do not have any battles of this sort and I know that the outcome of their raising was mine, good or bad - hopefully good. We never get these times back - your mother knows this and is relishing her time with your son.

Just some thoughts.
V.
www.lovinglifeandfamily.com

I think it is definitely time to move him to full time preschool or another caretaker. Your mother needs to understand that if she can't stand behind you and respect your rules and values for YOUR child that she is going to lose the privilege of spending time with him when you are not available t supervise. It may sound harsh but YOU are the parent and your decisions in raising your child are extremely inportant, and she will never understand that if she continues to watch him for full days, raising him however she deems fit, and without any respect for your wishes.

I'm sorry but if she is not willing to listen to you and your instructions for YOUR son than maybe you need to find someone else to watch him on those days!

If you want to save your relationship w/ your mother you might want to put hm in preschool all 5 days and let your mother watch him other occasions when needed. Unfortunately, mothers tend to do the things you mentioned and don't really understand or willing to stop - because they are the grandparent. Good luck.

Well i am kinda toen with my opinion. On one hand i agree she should respect your rules/decisions etc.. On the other hand, she is only with him 2 days a week, what does he eat for lunch? Or does he just snack on "junk" all day? And what is "junk" to you? My mother "spoils" my children as well with chocolate etc.. but i dont see how 2 days a week having donuts is the only thing making him pudgy! And as for getting him toys the 2 days she comes over a week, well honestly thats what grandmothers are for, kids know what they can get away with at home and with whom. My mom and dad will go to walmart and later stop by with a matchbox car for my 2 yr old son. I have a great relationship with my mom, although she also will tell me if she thinks i could have done something different or better! Like how i handled a certain sibling rivalry situation. I dont take it to heart.

Maybe leave an already pre-made lunch/snack in the fridge and tell her thats what you want her to give him. You could even tell a little white lie and tell her you have to cut back on the "junk" because doc said he is a little overweight. There are ways around it. If at that time she isnt feeding it to him etc.. then it would be time to put him in pre-school full time starting the beginning of the next school year. And just explain to family, that it is in his best interest for socialization and educational reasons you made the decision. good luck