Mother in Law Problems

Hi! I totally understand...i had to live with my crazy MIL for almost a year...and I was seriously going nuts. I realized i have to pick and choose my battles-because #1-i dont want to be a crazy freak like her, and #2-I want to keep my husband on my side at all times-at least he should know that i am doing the right thing. Now about MIL-I can obviously see that she has an ego-well-state ur issue and make a stand. The first thing you have to probably do is be ready for an answer...you know how she is going to react or respond now-well be ready for an answer for each and every situation-CALMLY BUT FIRMLY! So you know that she always insist on giving them cookies before dinner-have an answer like " XXX, I dont think you want to ruin their appetite for a nutritious meal by giving them a cookie now, right? Could you give that after dinner?" If she refuses and you probably expect her to say "well this one time I am here I'm going to give it to them" Then have your answer ready: "XXX, I hope you understand that I am telling you- I do not approve of that, so unless you want me to take the kids out for a while, please acknowledge my rules" And if she makes another comment that dissapproves your rules...be ready to pick up the kids and put their shoes on and take a small walk outside-or if that is not possible-into another room-leaving her to think about it. Sometimes you have to be harsh in the beginning so that you will be acknowledged. But like i said, pick and choose ur battles-the baby talk and high pitched voices are not going to stop...that's just part of their way of doing things and loving their grandkids. The nagging is also something that you just have to hear...just smile and think about something else, or hum a tune for a while...a song that u love...so that everything else is easier...

About ur husband-my husband was a doctor-resident for 3 yrs...it was hard...but it was just for a while...unfortunately i realized that the best way to get him to spend time with us is to get him and my son out of the house-with a ball, that was our family time. Also putting my son to bed early did the trick with having time alone with him. I never let my sone continue his nap after 3pm so that he is in bed by 8:30-9pm...I did everything early, dinner, baths, storytime, and we were off to bed by 8:45 and about 9pm he was asleep. How could start the trend? Start with an early start-wake them up 1/2 hr-1 hr earlier than usual...and after their mid day nap, keep them busy for one day-i mean park, running, playing -by the time u give them their baths and get ready for bed, they will be ready to hit the sack! That way- u have hours to spend with ur hubby....Hope this helps

Hi K.-
I totally empathise, except about the part that you had a wonderful MIL until the babies (mine has always been evil!). My only advice is that I put up with her garbage to a point before we had our baby, but now I have no qualms protecting him from her. Don't worry about insulting her, your priority is your babies! Sometimes you need to be meaner than you want to because, if she's like mine, they just don't get it if you try to put it nicely. And even if it upsets her, she'll respect your position (eventually, at least I hope!) and things will get better. Just don't let her babysit! ;) Good luck!!

M.

have your husband ask his mother to be more nicer, my mother in law was like that to until i had my husband tell her to stop.

Sometimes I feel awful about how I used to stop and visit my mother in law before the kids were born - and now I too avoid her. What helped me the most was reading a few books. One book was called "The Other Woman" By Jane Green. It's about a relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. The other book is "The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?" by Annie Chapman.

The second book was extremely helpful because it helped me to realize that it wasn't always my mother-in-laws fault that our relationship wasn't as good. It also helped me see things from her perspective. It can also be a good book for mother-in-laws so if you are brave enough to confront her about the issues - you'll have no problem giving the book as a gift to her. The book isn't just about "loving" the same man (husband/son). I have found it a helpful resource when dealing with issues regarding my husband/mother-in-law as well as my kids/mother-in-law.

I'd bet both books are available at your nearest library - rather than having to purchase. I don't have twins - but I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. There isn't much time for reading, but I'd encourage you to spare a little time to read these - at least the mother-in-law dance. It really is insightful.

My relationship with my mother-in-law has not returned to where it was before. However, I have found that the number of times I get upset during or after visits has decreased.

I've also found it helpful if I'm not around when she's with the kids. I try to leave the kids with her while I run errands or at least leave the room to do things around the house. I also encourage her to take the kids for walks. I found she felt more at ease when she didn't have me looking over shoulder all of the time.

Good luck - it certainly is a constant dance - of which neither of us want to give up the lead.

I would say pick your battles and your husband should be involved with that. For example if something is a safety concern like her carrying the kids when she is unsteady or letting them play with things that could break and they could get cut then definately something needs to be said and she needs to be put on notice that that stuff can't happen. You both should sit her down and nicely explain that, in my opinion your husband needs to back you up on that stuff. IT's his mom and it will be uncomfortable for him but he needs to support you or it won't change.
But as for the "baby talk" and general spoiling, I think you need to take a step back and reflect on how lucky your kids are to have a grandparent who is excited to be around them and finds joy in being with them, it's good for the her but also good for your kids. Grandparents should be able to spoil their grandkids.It sounds like you might be so upset about the "big stuff" that you are getting irrititated by EVERYTHING she does.

Your husband already is in the middle of it. He has to be the one to intervene since she is not listening to reason from you. He needs to stand up to his Mom as your husband the the father of those twins. It is his job as a husband and father to keep you and your children safe and happy. As long as he stands with you and for you, your marriage will be stronger.

You set the rules for your house. If grandma doesn't care about her own knick knacks that is her problem, but if it is your house, it is your rules.

Dr Phil has done several episodes on this issue so maybe you could check on his web site and see if there is a show you could watch on the subject with your mother in law and husband.

I think you need to deal with this issue now or you will have continuing struggles with this. I didn't have the pushy mother in law but if I did, I know it would be stressing me out like it is for you.

K.-
It's wonderful that your mother-in- law wants to spoil your children as long as it does not undermined your authority or put them in harms way. As far as your husband not wanting to get in the middle of it-too bad. He already is in the middle of it. He really needs to sit down w/your mom and tell her that he feels she is not respecting you and his family. It will come better from him than from you. It's easier for her to hate you than it is her own son. Good luck.