Well, my MIL just left town after staying with us for most of a 2 week period. We just had our 3rd baby and were looking forward to the help. And she was helpful...and also often wildly inappropriate.
My oldest was sick, and when he told her "I just want my Mommy now", she refused to leave him alone, continuing to "comfort" him, until the poor kid was screaming at her to leave him alone. I had my hand on his back and she reached around and started to rub his back, saying said "Mommy will rub your back now". If I had said (1) "I am his Mommy" and (2) "Leave him alone," she would have said (1) "Oh, I meant YOU would rub his back" and acted like I was being crazy and (2) created such a scene that I would n not have been able to tend to my son. He eventually PRETENDED to fall asleep so she tiptoed off, crowing to me "he's asleep now."
I work and my husband stays home & it seemed like she felt that she was playing a role during the day, MY role, and that she should just get to keep playing it when I got home. She acted as if she knew my children better than I do (she doesn't; she's not around more than a few times a year). She also acted as if my husband wouldn't know anything about me (we've been married about 7 years and have been together about 10). And she got very offended if I tried to tell her how we do ANYTHING....
For example, she picked up a towel in the boys' bathroom that we were using as a bath rug and was in the process of folding it to hang it up, when I said (politely), "Oh, that's there so he doesn't fall when he gets out of the bath - you don't need to fold it." (my oldest, who is only 5 was in the bath, and since he was sick and I needed to nurse the baby, I had asked her if she could keep him company, since I was afraid he might doze off.) She dropped the towel in a heap on the floor, looking straight ahead (away from me) as if I had just SCOLDED her! I didn't ask her to help with bathtime again.
Soon before she left, she offered to buy us dinner, & went for take-out. She pulled out as I was pulling in. I waved and she didn't but OK, maybe she didn't see me waving. She set the table while I was nursing the baby, and when I came out, there was no place set for me. Well, OK maybe she thought I'd be nursing him for awhile, so I set my own plate. (it's never my FIRST assumption that someone is being a jerk, even if there's history there)
I thanked her for dinner and she pretended I wasn't talking. She made sure everyone (but me) got a serving of rangoon, and again acted like I was not there! I asked her to pass it back to me. And since I had become invisible (ha ha)and apparently she couldn't hear me, either, I got it myself.
Several times I addressed her and she ignored me. She then told my oldest that since he was sick that he didn't have to take his bath - that he could go straight to bed! (at this point, my husband, who had witnessed tthe "silent treatment" had left the table to get our middle child ready for bed - I don't think she would have made this PARENTING decision if he'd been there.)
The bath is part of our bedtime ritual, our son was DIRTY, and a bath would help him sleep and BREATHE as it's very arid here. I did NOT ask for her help this night, so it wasn't about her not wanting tio deal with. SO really "NO BATH" was not an option, but I also knew what he'd say, so I didn't need to TELL him she was mistaken.
I was livid but I took a breath and said calmly to my son, "Well, A's right, you don't HAVE to take your bath tonight, but if you'd like a nice warm bath, I'll give you one when your brother gets out." HE asked for his bath. As I got up I thanked her for all of the help she gave my husband that day (I work, he stays home) and she said overly brightly, "It was fine. Everyone was happy."
She must have gone downstairs. The baby was sitting alone screaming and when he became quiet (which meant I had gotten big brother to bed & was nursing him), she came back upstairs to tell my husband she was leaving to spend the night with his brother. I began to walk around MY house with MY baby as she stormed toward the door. I thanked her for cleaning the kitchen, she looked at me, then turned sharply out ther door. It turned out she had actually packed up the food and taken it with her.
Another family member told me that when I got the silent treatment, as if I had done something infuriating, it was almost certainly my MIL's goal to make me angry, so she could make a scene. And though I'd like my husband to confront her, I understand why he doesn't - she'd act as if he was fabricating EVERYTHING and it would just make more drama.
I am actually content that not playing into her drama is probably the right thing to do. She is probably angry that I married the son she probably thought would be single and at her beck & call for the rest of his life. She is probably angry that no one mistakes my kdis for hers, and no one thinks her son is her beau (as they sometimes did when she was younger). I also thinsk she's angry that we don't have the news on all day for her (my kids saw too much scary news with her here as it was), but rather favor CHILDREN'S programming. And she may be annoyed that we don't keep endless booze on hand for her either...
But none of that is healthy, and other than being a pain in my butt, it's not my problem.
I won't pretend this didn't ALL upset me, or I wouldn't have written it out, but my main concern is that I didn't know any way to get her to respect my SON'S boundaries when he didn't want her attentions without giving her an opening to make a HUGE DRAMATIC DEAL out of it, such that he had to deal with it too...
Any thoughts? And yes, please feel free to comment on the rest, but do understand that it seems she WANTS us to confront her, so she can make a scene about how AWFUL everyone is to her....
Wow - thank you all so much for the supportive words.
No comments or advice from me.....only applause. You WON this round! Good for you! It takes a strong woman to stand in the face of that nastiness and still remain gracious and calm.
If I could send you a mamapedia flower for this, I would!
Sadly, what it took to set my own MIL straight with her similar horrible behavior was ousting her from our lives for two entire years. She pulled all of that same stuff - behaving as though she were the mother of my children, even calling my kids "her babies" or "her boys" when her friends were around, like I didn't exist. I won't go into the numerous stories, as it would have me sitting here fuming for three hours straight... LOL! But really, what it took is for me to put my foot down and not allow her back into our lives until her behavior improved. We get along very well now. I just had to claim my place as alpha female in my own little family and make it clear that *I* am the mother of my children and she is the *grandmother*, and make sure the dynamics stayed that way. Good luck!
Anne-Marie hit this O. on the head! Talk about Jackie Kennedy grace! Wow, did you win this round.
I, personally, would take it O. teensy step further by sending a nice bouquet of flowers and a note thanking her for all of her help (Albeit creepy help! LOL)
The really disturbing parts to me were the back rubbing and the flat-out ignoring you when she was addressed directly by you. That's weird.
Maybe she has mental problems, maybe not. It doesn't sound like Alzheimers to me, it sounds like cold, calculated rudeness and a small dose of jealousy.
Maybe it has to do with the non-traditional roles you & hubby have? Does she think he is being disrespected somehow? (I would LOVE to have an at-home dad, but maybe her generation doesn't understand your choice? Granted, I'm reaching here...)
ANYHOO--at the end of the day, you handles it with WAY more grace, respect and humility that I ever could have so YOU GO GIRL! You have no reason to question any of your behavior or responses--too bad she can't wake up tomorrow feeling the same way....and that...in the end...is the sweetest revenge: she didn't get your goat!
You are giving me flashbacks of my own MIL. I fall into the same trap. She is so terrible-- it is truly like she wants me to explode and I have before. Nothing changes if I explode except that I realize she got what she wanted. Right after I had my second baby she came out to visit. I had just had a c-section. My 2.5 year old was waking up with nightmares during her visit and calling for me. My husband got up with the toddler since I a) could barely roll out of bed b/c of the incision and b) I was up all night with the newborn. Grandma left her door open so that she could see who was going in to the 2.5 year old. She made a big point of saying how tired she was the next a.m. from all the screaming. "I notice you went in to Lauren TWICE last night but she was calling for her MOTHER." All day she talked about how tired poor B must be. He works so HARD for us and he must be SO TIRED after having to get up with the toddler so many times. This was just one instance but her entire visit was like this and worse. She is the most passive aggressive woman I've ever met and you CANNOT win with someone like that. They will DENY everything, call you overly sensitive or whatever. Your best bet is to do exaclty what you did. In fact, you both deserve a huge round of applause for not giving her the drama she wanted. But man, my blood pressure just rose for you.
Good grief! You certainly got the raw end of the deal in the MIL department. She is nuts! I love how you are keeping it together, you are so right, any reaction on your part will just fuel this crazy-lady's fire. My favorite part is when she was giving you the silent treatment, you rose above it and thanked her for her help. Great stuff!
Anyways, the nice thing about being an adult and a parent is you have earned the right to take control of your own house. I would suggest that when she is coming again, limit her visit. YOU tell her how long she can stay. You can make up some lame excuse if you want, whatever works. She can choose to embrace it or make a deal of it but as long as you take the high road (as you have thus far) then it will blow over. You might even luck out, maybe she will choose not to come at all out of spite. = )
Just remember, she only comes around once and a while and you are handling it perfectly, just let it go. I wouldn't even think about confronting her, as you know it will get you nowhere.
All that being said, I wouldn't worry about your son and his boundaries. Kids are much tougher than we give them credit. You are teaching him the best lesson of all which is to be kind and yet not let other people control you. If the next time she is around and pushes herself on your son, just tell your son to go play somewhere else in front of her. She will get the hint. If she doesn't like it she will just leave and go stay with her other son anyways and you are off the hook. Hmm, maybe that is the secret, make her mad and she won't stay there at all (ha ha).
Good luck!
Here is my opinion about this: it was a learning experience! Fortunately it's over, she has gone home and if I was you I would not harp on it too much.
However... in the future, do not offer her to stay at your house and limit visits to a few hours of the day.
Looks like you have learned that the next time you would be grateful for help around the house to look elsewhere, because your MIL is more of a hindrance than helpful.
You put it very nicely, none of her emotions and anger are any of your concern. If you have to make nice with her, just do it for your family's sake, but make it clear to your husband that there will be no further overnight invitations or requests for help going out to his mother.
Sometimes it's better for everyone to swallow your own emotions about this, normalize the relationship (even if you have to lie) and move on.
Good luck!
basically, your MIL feeds on drama. And if you play into it, she would be able to turn it around and say that everyone's attacking her. But instead, you guys didn't and even better, killed her with KINDNESS. Hence, she stormed out the door because she didn't get what she was hoping for. Oh well.
Just continue what you've been doing. I know it's frustrating. But at least you have us to vent to. In the meantime, don't change anything about yourself. Don't get defensive or offensive with her. Because she was hoping to have some sort of ammunition to use against you. Good for you that she couldn't get an ounce. However, just be happy to know that you only see her a few times a year. So bite the bullet and deal with it. :)
Lucky for me, i love my MIL.
Now that she is gone I would let it be, but I would also talk with your husband about all your concerns and make sure he sees it as well. My FIL was the same way, ignoring me, directing my children, he even went so far as to call me ignorant and uneducated(we have the same level of education in the same field). When I brought this all to my husbands attention after the visit I found he had not really noticed some of it (love can cause blindness at times to ones wrongs). I made it clear that until FIL could treat me with respect and respect my boundarys, he was not welcome to stay with us again. I have not had a problem since.
Borderline personality disorder, I am not a doctor or psychiatrist or psycologist or social worker, but I have a sister that could be your MIL's twin.
Your MIL is a Nut. Makes me feel better about my MIL visiting us only one time the 14 years we have been married.
When we visit her she likes to look at the kids a few minutes, say how big they got, say how are you, hows the weather to me, and then ignore us the rest of the time. She wants my husband to dote on her the rest of the time. What is wrong with these MIL's?
If you only see her a few times a year, then cut it down to maybe once every 2 or 3 years. She's just not healthy for you, your husband or your kids to be around.
You're my hero. Usually people write in and ask for avice on how to get revenge. I think you played your hand perfectly. :)
She's gone now and you can enjoy your peace.
BTW, I know exactly how this feels and it took me many years to get to a place where I can be gracious and equanimous about it. Your respectful calm in the face of the storm is admirable.
first off, change your locks and dont invite your mother in law over again
without her first being throughly checked out for serious problems
sounds like alzhimers to me and alzhimers patients always become violent
sooner or later.typically with alzhimers the person will try to stepinto another persons life/role, because they feel like they could do that persons life better.oh, by the way the person whos life she is obviously trying to take over is yours. think about it, she tells people her son, is her boyfriend, and your children are actually hers. talk to other family members and see if she acts the same way with them you might be able to have her committed. my mother in law died shrieking of alzhimers. do not ever
be alone with this woman...and dont ever allow your children to be left alone with her.
K. h.
I had to laugh at this story because my mother is exactly like this!! She does want to make drama if you confront her and the best way to keep her away from you is to be happy. Raise happy kids and keep a happy outlook on life. I know my mother is very unhappy and very insecure. She always wants to make it seem like she can step up and make my children love her more!! This is just what your MIL was doing when she was rubbing your son's back. Your husband just seems to ignore her because he knows she will make a huge deal out of it when she is confronted.
Somehow you make her feel insecure. It could be as a mother or as a woman, who knows!! I know we all need to vent once in a while and now that my oldest daughter is in college my mother wants to make sure that my daughter knows that she can always count on her grandmother but not her mother!! That is just her insecurity talking... Have fun and just remember if you don't want to put up with her-be happy and positive!!
Some people are toxic and you have to either severly limit the contact they have with you or cut them out of your life entirely. She may be one of those people. My mother is one of those people. I speak to her on the phone a few times a year (she lives in PA, I live in TX). I visit her at neutral territory when I am in PA if I'm in the mood - there have been times where I did not chose to spend time with her. I would never leave her alone with my son, ever. She's in denial about how toxic she is, so I don't even bother trying to talk to her anymore about it.
You and your husband have to decide how much contact you want with her. Your children don't need this drama, and neither do you. Your family is your priority. Good luck!
It is pretty late in the game, but your husband needs to step up and set her straight, and then let the chips fall (and I would get out of the way!) This sounds like a control issue, 21 years ago, my MIL was simular as our wedding approached and tryed to sabatoge the cerimony by forgetting to tell us that our priest had called her months before hand to tell her (as the church sponsor-we were both away at college) that he was going to Rome for the summer and that we needed to find someone else. We cancelled the big wedding we had planned in her hometown, and had a small, more "us" wedding in our college church. It took a couple of years, but my husband stood his ground with her (once telling her EXACTLY what we were doing when she called just after our honeymoon and asked what he was doing...) He never let her put me down, and reminded her that I was his wife, and she could either stay in his life, or she could try to control his life, but she was not going to do both. The point is, this is really not your battle, it is not his battle either, he should just tell her that she has a choice, and let her make it. She can treat you with respect, or she can do without contact with your family.
It is more difficult when the boundary was not set from the begining, but you might be able to do it now, and I would encourage your husband to bite the bullet and do it. Things got dramatically better by the time we had children, and because my MIL lived so far away, it was easy for me to ask her advice when our first was born, I did not have to take one bit of it because she would never know, but just asking her made her soften up! Eventually, she accepted me for me. I still miss her today as she died about 10 years ago. I hope the same can happen for you too. If this woman could come around, your MIL might be able to as well!
This is all you can really do to protect your children too, they are so confused by this kind of strange drama between the adults who love them, so I would say, the thing you have to do is have your Husband take a stand, and the relationship has to hearl, or tell him that your children will not be exposed to her.
Good luck,
M.
.
I'm going to tell you what I tell my girls. Just "walk away." Meaning let it go and don't worry about it. She is gone now and there is no need to confront her. It seems doing so would only fuel the fire. Know that your kiddos and hubby love you. They know your momma and your awesome. You only have to put up with this a few times a year! Grin and bear it momma and next time make sure there is plenty for her to do... laundry, cooking, errands... Make her feel useful in a way where she won't drive you crazy.
Congratulations on the new baby.
I have some similar problems with my MIL. I really think it is a control issue - she does not like to do things the way they are done in our house - she wants to do them HER way, and claim that she is helping me, while in truth it just makes more work for me or ruins things. Whenever I speak up, she runs to my hubby claiming how mean I am to her - example - putting plastic cups (that will melt) on the bottom rack of the dishwasher several times after I have told her it is necessary to put them on the top rack. It takes me twice as long to rearrange the dishwasher than if I had done it myself!!! So now, when she says, "do you want me to load the dishwasher", I say no, and she gets pissed off at that too. She is a ver cattered person, and does not pay attention to details, and I am very detail orientated. She has even put my kids shoes on the wrong feet a few times, and then gets pissed at me when I (or even someone else) notices it!
I have asked my hubby to speak with her and let her know it is best to wait for me to ask for help when I need it - when she visits, I feel like she is following me around, breathing down my neck and that drives me nuts. After several battles, it has seemed to work a bit, perhaps that will work for you also.
Best of luck. I am glad to know that someone else is in a similar boat.
