Mother N Law Problems

Hi K., One day she will be gone. Grin and bare it!!! Tell her thank you and that she doesn't have to do any work around the house again. Give her a big hug and tell her you appreciate her. B.

K.:

I have a mother in law that is also extremely helpful and not able to keep still and loves to do housework. That is why when she watches my son, I bring him over to her house. Is that an option? That way, she is not in my house cleaning or commenting about what isn't getting done. When I went back to work, she watched him 2 days a week and while it was a pain to pack the bottles etc., it was much better than having her in my house. She means well, but it would drive me nuts to have her in my house. Now, he stays with her when I have to travel and he is in full time daycare, but I still always take him over to her house. Now that he is older(almost 2), all I need to take is clothes.

K.,
First off can i adopt ur MIL. (joking) I recently had my mother stayin with us and it drove me insane that my mother was doin the same thing as ur MIL. I actually got into a fight with her about it and told her she had to much time on her hands that she needed to go back to work. Now that she hasn't stayed with us for a while i actually miss her doin things. When she was doin it i did have more time for my kids. We actually got to do projects at the dining room table cause we didn't have to clear it off first lol I now regret fighting and sayin what i did to my own mother. I realize how much help she is to me and i wouldn't be where i am today if i didn't have her. In ur case ur MIL is just addition to ur family, let her help and like someone else said maybe just do somethings together so she knows how u like, or give suggestions that need to be done.

I have 2 kids, work full time and my closest family besides my husband is 22 hours away. So here is some advice from someone who is very envious, when she tells you how to do something, tell her you appreciate her advice and will take in into consideration when making your decision on how to do what ever it is the advice was given on. If she takes care of you child in a way you don’t agree with, put your foot down and make sure your husband is supportive, and keep it no-confrontational. “I know you may not agree, but I am his mother, and based on my research and after discussing with my husband, we want it done this way” something like that. As for the cleaning, take her out to dinner, buy her thank you gifts, and count your blessings. I don’t think she really thinks you can’t handle it, I think she knows, from experience how hard it is and truly wants to help. Appreciate it and make sure she knows you do, and use the time she is saving you to spend more quality time with your son.

I have twins, so I more than welcome the extra help around the house! My Mom and MIL both have watched the girls and cleaned while they napped. Personally, I welcome it.. and it makes them feel needed too. I'm sure as your kids get older there will be less naps and less cleaning by MIL. Enjoy the extra help while it's available!

K.:

I know OH SO WELL where you are coming from!! I've been married 8 yrs....and the woman STILL does it to me! It took me a LONG time to realize that she didn't think that I was not capable of taking care of my son, the household AND work full time. My mother in law spends ALL DAY by herself...with a clean house and NOTHING else to do but watch tv. So, anytime she came to my house, she felt the need to tidy up and to feel needed. It was just her nature to be that way. I wouldn't take it personally...and I do know that is easier said than done...like I said, I've been there!! Take advantage of her help...it will allow you to spend more time with your hubby and the little one!!

Good luck,
D.

K.-
I feel your pain. I too have a little one, and work, plus I'm in my last year of law school as well. I am very familiar with the seemingly "helpful" comments and suggestions from others. I, like you, held my tongue for a long time because I knew that their motives were good. I honestly know that they were genuinely trying to help me. But, as you know, the comments become very hurtful - more so than anything else because they are essentially doubting your skills as a wife and mother. I finally got up enough courage to sit them down and say, "look. i love you, and i know you are trying to help. please understand that i am very grateful for all that you do. however, when you make comments and suggestions to me, it is very hurtful. i know that is not your intention, so i wanted to be up front with you about it and let you know. how about we come to an understanding that from here on out, if i need anything, that i'll let you know. ok?" the conversation went very well, and i have not had a single problem since. it's really hard to gather up the courage to have the conversation, but once i started it, it was very easy to get through. Good luck to you!!!
-Alicce

I had the same problem--she was always giving me "hints" of how I should be doing things. It bothered me for awhile and then I realized she was just being a GRANDMA. Now that I have my own child I find myself giving my sister-in-law "hints"--it's just human nature to give advice! As far as her cleaning your house----just say THANK YOU! Grandma's like to feel needed!

Can she watch the baby at her own home? Both the grandmas take turns with my 12m old I work 3 days. They both have either playyards or babygates and plenty of toys it is nice. Do you have this option? I know how hard it is tho. My in-laws kept giving my daughter foods I did not want her to have to soon. When there doing you a favor like free daycare, and its a bonus for the child to be spending time with there grandparents its hard to nag:) My husband would never say anything and I felt like he should have they are his parents not mine right.
Can you put a lock on your laundry room LOL

I dont think its that she doesnt feel u CANT do it but she probly does get bored. Just let her do it. I know what its like for someone to tell u "oh u should do it like this" well u do it the way u want & when u get home if its not that way & it bothers u just redo it. Maybe then after awhile she will get the pict. If she says oh u should do it like this in a nice voice just say well i like to do it this way, or this is how my mother taught me to do it, or just straight out tell her no i rather do it this way. Its hard i know. but i relized that being honest w/ them in a nice way will get u farther. good luck

Think about it. If you were in your mother in laws situation, would you not do the same thing? I think she probably enjoys helping you out and this makes her feel needed. Just reiterate that you don't expect her to do your housework but if she still does, enjoy it. Here and there, just pick up some flowers or a little something to show your appreciation and let it go at that. Beats daycare. Would probably cause hard feelings to say much else. It's not worth it. Good luck~

She needs to feel useful. She wants to have something to do.Especially during baby's naptime. Maybe she could have some plants to take care of for you. If she does do your housework...GREAT! That's less you have to do when you get home.Mother-in laws are supposed to tell you how to do things...that's their job. How about taking the baby for walks, or somewhere else. At least your mom-in-law is nice about it. Mine hated me and was rude as hell. Make sure you thank her for whatever she does. Hang in there! L. H

If it is possible, have her watch your child at her home. I would NEVER leave my mother or MIL alone in my house as they would both take it upon themselves to "put things right". IE: I don't fold the towels the way MIL thinks they should be folded, so she would re-do it if given the chance.

If ANY adult other than my husband set foot in our bedroom without my express permission I would have a SERIOUS problem with them. I am not a teenager who needs mommy to straighten things and "check up" on me. Neither is my husband. The fact that your MIL feels that she has the right to walk on in to your bedroom shows complete lack of respect.

This isn't about the extra "help", it's about the comments that go along with it that are making you feel incapable.

Visit the Dealing With The In Laws board at babycenter.com. Those ladies will help you get perspective and establish what you feel are acceptable boundaries for your MIL.

Maybe when your MIL asks if there's anything she can do say well if you can find the time or its not to much trouble could you straighten up the baby's room and vaccum. Give her something to do that will help you out. I know taking care of a baby and working is hard enough. You feel like your taking away from your child when your gone and then you have to come home and clean. Take the help. At least your MIL helps, if mine watch the kids I have to take them to her and I still here all the little comments about how I don't dust and sweep enough or so on and so forth. Feel blessed that you have a MIL that loves you.

HI I also have a 5 month old, and i see how it hard it is too keep things nice and tighty, We dont have a washer and drier here eather. So I have to take all our laundry to teh Laundry matt. wich sometimes is a pain when i dont have someone to help me watch my son while i switch over the loads and stuff. MY MOTHER IN LAW DRIVES ME NUTTS. MY HUSPAND AND HIS BROTHER CALLES HER SMOTHER. My huspands dad had custody of them as he grew up, and because of that his mom always smotherd him and his brother after they moves out of their dads house. and then When she found out we was getting married she freaked and cried she was so happy. Then when she found out i was pregnant she was even more happy, It will be her first grandbaby. She even showed up at the ultra sound, AShe was so sure it was a girl that she brought a baby doll with her. She even went as far as showing up to my appointments. When i went into pre labor she was there all the time. and when i went into labor she was there adn helpful. Then her huspand got very mean with her and almost killed her not the first time i will say. So when she was coming around she wanted to help out all the time. It got on my nerves tooo . she always put my huspand down telling him he needs a better job, he's been their for 10 this year and is making 16.50 an hour and works 7 days a week 8-12 hrs a day. Then one day she saw a fix it ticket on the desk and started going off on him saying he was going to ruin his sons life. because of a fix it ticket. Anyways back to the mean huspand. my huspand told her at the hospital that if she goes back to him our son will not be aloud to go over there. well shes back with him and our son will be 6 mo. on Oct 6. and shes maybe seen him a total of maybe 10 times , and i call and tell her how he is doing she dont call us unless its been a month. she says she misses him and loves him. she just says she just dont have the time to come by, and if my huspand wasnt so selffish to deprive her of her grandson that she would have a beautiful relationship. And I dont work, I wish i did Id love to have the extra money to do what i can for my son and for my family just to have a little extra money. I do help my sister with her daycare when she needs me. but shes about 45 mins away.
So I guess what im trying to tell ya is I know she drives you crazy, but atleast shes got a relationship with your family.

C. from Portage, Im married to my best friend who iv know for 26 years,and im 29. have a 5 month old son. Not working.

K.,

My Mother does the same things when she visits (which is often) and if she comes to care for my son when he is sick (he is in daycare full time). I used to feel bad b/c I didn't want her to feel like she had to -- but I stopped worrying about it. However, being that she is MY Mom, I kind of feel like it is different. If my mother-in-law made comments and did things I specifically asked her not to, I would probably freak out (but we don't have the best relationship anyway).

I would first talk to your husband and let him know you are really upset by it and then both of you (or just him) talk to her and tell her that you really appreciate the babysitting and that the time she spends with her grandson is precious. But it is your house and she is making you feel badly by doing these things. Hopefully that will stop her. Plus, once the baby is moving around more-- she'll be too busy/tired to worry about cleaning your house!

My mother in law has never ever offered any help to me at all. She doesn't just spend time with her grandson either. I would love to have a monther in law like yours. My husbands mother has just been totally not what you'd expect, we have had confrontations and about 3 months ago, we really tried "again" to talk to her and my husband finally decided if she can't be respectful to me and loving towards our son then he is not going to talk to her. So she didn't even call her grandson for his 1st-bday and she lives 10 mintues away. Anyway to me it sounds like if you really don't want the extra help of hanfing laundry done and the beds made then she would be understandable and just sit down one to one asnd tell her what has been bothering you and how it makes you feel. Maybe your hubby can talk to her. She may just have the neat freak personality, my grandmother who lives in another state sounds like this. She would love it if she could take care of my son 2 days a week and I know she would do as much housework as she could, because that is how she is. She will mop and vacuum her own floor if she gets bored, even though it was just done 2 days ago. Prior to having a talk with her, I would defintiely think about what you are going to say and how to stay calm and show appreciation to her for what she does

Dear K.:
This is a tough situation if she is giving you free help. It's still hard to take her criticism and the free and dependable child care at the same time. If she is doing house chores that are not required, it is her choice. It's not like you are leaving and expecting her to do all the wash, beds, etc. I know it's hard to pre-clean and keep up with it with a full time job and a baby. If she never worked outside the home I am sure she has no clue how difficult keeping up with everything is. We were in a similar situation w my MIL, and it eventually lead to us going to the day care system. By the time our hand was forced, we were ready, and my daughter, who was 18 months at the time was happy to go play w a bunch of little kids and toys all day long. Maybe you can hang in there a little while longer. When your son is up and walking and talking a little day care might be the best way to go to get him socialized and educated outside the home. It's neutral territory for the care givers and the parents and kids....with parents having the most say b/c they are the ones paying the money. I found the cost to be worth it more often than not. I looked at it like it was tuition. My kids got the learning and pre-K preparedness, and I got a sanity break from the in-laws! P.

I've been through this with two Mothers-In-Law. Trust me, they are trying to help. It's not that they think you can't handle it, it's that they understand sometimes it takes a little practice to get things to go smoothly- and most likely, since the baby sleeps a bit and isn't too mobile yet, they are just wanting something to do that's proactive. I say, let them: It makes her feel good to help you, and it is assistance that allows you to spend more time with your family.

As for the comments, just tell her they bother you. Don't be accusatory, but just say, "Can we talk? It really bothers me when you make comments like..." Most likely they aren't trying to criticize, they are probably thinking they are helpful and are offering advice- remember, with age comes wisdom, but true wisdom is learning when to say nothing.

If she still continues to make un-needed comments, you can do two things: ignore her or kick her out of your life. It's generally easier to smile and nod- you never know when one of her suggestions will help later on.

Good Luck!

Hi K.,
My mom does the same thing whenever she watches our kids. I have let her know that I will pick up everything when I get home, but she still cleans, does laundry, etc. My house isn't even messy and she will still find things to do like reorganizing my cabinets, etc. I think she does this because once the kids are napping or in bed she has nothing to do and it helps pass the time more quickly. She says she has to keep busy. Perhaps your mother-in-law just wants to keep busy also. It probably makes her feel better that she's helping you out(or THINKS she's helping) while she keeps busy. As for her comments, your husband should talk to his mom about what a great job you are doing with your son, work, and the house. Maybe she will get the hint. I would avoid a confrontation between you and her, insist your husband handle it.

I can totally relate to you on this. After I had my twins I started college and still worked, so my boyfriends mom watched our kids ALOT, and she too would to all the unfinished house work I didn't get to or do something extra. I used to get annoyed because I though "I can do this, why does she take my jobs away from me??" Then I realized, she does it to make my life at home less stressfull. So, now I'm glad she helps me out with the house work. I always tell her thank you. Just look at it as a way of her telling you she loves you and wants to help you. And I know she would never step foot in our room, she values our privacy, like always calling before she comes over. However, she never makes any negative remarks about my house, so I can't help you there. Personally, I take all the help I can get =) Good luck to you though.

I know exactly how you feel. This is also happening to me. While my youngest son was in the hospital for is heart condition I stayed with him. I came back and my in laws had done my laundry, moved stuff around, pretty much told my husband that my house was a mess. They keep asking my husband if I am depressed or something because they feel that my house is a mess. I am still trying to find things that they put away while they were here. They were nice and I appareciate everything they did, but my husband got mad at me because I was upset about things beig moved. All you can do is smile and deal with it unless you want a war with your mother in law. I was married before and we lived with my ex's parents. Well I was pregnant I cleaned the house, did the laundry, made sure my ex mother in law had dinner when she came home from work and all of that, but then she told people lies saying that I didn't do anything around the house but sleep, eat, and watch t.v. well when I found out about this I yelled at her and she yelled needless to say I moved out and so did my then husband. She still hates me to this day even though I am not with her son anymore. I hope in my ramblings I have helped at all.

The responses I've read here are great. This is probably the best collection of advice that I've read on Mamasource. I have only one idea to add.

My own mother used to do the same thing. She came over once a week to watch my girls, and I found myself cleaning frantically the night before. She would still find things to improve-upon, so I started feeling resentful and anxious about the whole thing. My mom is not one to overstep her boundaries, and she sincerely just wanted to help, but I couldn't help feeling like she was making a statement about the way I kept my house. And I found that she was doing things that were a priority for HER, but not necessarily for ME. (As a single mom who works full-time, I really couldn't care less about scouring the drip pans on my stove.) So I decided to swallow my pride, and start accepting her help...on MY terms. I made a list of things that were on my To-Do List, but never seemed to get done (like fixing a hem or sewing a button or ironing a blouse). Now I'm thrilled when I can check one of those things off my list, and she feels like she is truly helping.

So the next time your MIL asks you if there is something she can do for you, hand her a list. It will be a win-win!

Good luck to you. Whatever you do, don't alienate your MIL. It sounds like you've got a great thing going!!

I guess she wants to keep herself busy by doing some chores while your son naps in the afternoon. I would say appreciate her and enjoy that extra help but at the same time if she really gets overboard with her comments and advices you got to take care that.

I was going to write advice but after reading people's reviews I actually feel better about myself now. My mother-in-law does the same thing when she watches my kids. I have 2 kids ages 2 & 3 and I work a 40 hr week. She would make comments to my husband about the laundry and the children's closets. It used to offend me when she'd do laundry and clean but I don't care anymore because I realized she does it when the kids nap. We don't talk at all now after having an argument but that's a different story. Avoid war with her because it'll create a rift between you and your husband and the kids will be torn between loyalty to you and love for her.

Haha, typical mother in law syndrome.. she probably does mean well and is only trying to help, but you know how some people can be offensive especially the older generations. I'd just be glad it's not worse because definitly it could be way worse ha.I do understand not wanting to say anything because she watches your child though.. I do the same with my mother.

Hi K.,

I too had the smae problem with my soon to be mother in law. I told my fiance' how I felt and made it clear to him that it was a problem. He had a talk with his mom but I also spoke to her. I let her know that I appreciate her coming down to help us out but this is our home and we need to get used to running it on our own. ( this is our first home and we also have 2 kids ) I also let her know that it made me feel like I wasn't doing my part because she was always doing it for me so I asked her to please not do that unless we asked for her help.

I think you should talk to you husband first and ask him to speak to her first and then you should sit down with her and explain in detail how you feel. Make sure you let her know though that you appreciate the help she is giving by watching your son.

I hope I have been a help,
A.

K.,
my mother in law is somewhat the same way. It is not that you cant do it. but you have to remember that well when they were raise and then first married they were told to sever their husbands hand and foot. And well now she is seeing that you are working as much as he is and she is thinking that she can help you like her mother helped her when she stayed at home. trust me dont feel like she is tellling you that you cant do it. she is just saying that she wants to help. and most grandmothers cant just watch the kids they have to pitch in. trust me coming from someone who went to work one day and 8 hours late came home to a house that was completely move around. 3 bed rooms changed and the living room and basement all moved around not to mention carpets washed. they cant just sit still.

Could it be that during his naptimes she gets bored and enjoys doing stuff like that?? I know my mom is like that. Even if I tell her not to do anything... she just can't sit still. She has to do something. It ticks my mom off to no end that I dont make our bed in the mornings.. lol.... Or maybe she jsut wants to help out because she knows how hard it is soemtimes when you have a baby to get stuff done?? I have found with both my mom and my mother inlaw that they act the way their moms did....when they had thier babies... Anyway, just throwing some ideas out.

I would say that you want to keep a good relationship with your MIL, so despite what her underlying message is, I would thank her profusely for helping you out. Tell her you have a lot on your plate right now and it really makes your life less stressful not to have to do housework.

i can totally relate but my mil is not the typical type to help out unless she is getting something in return so when she comes over she doesnt ask if she can help she does it and then says well i helped you now you can come to my house well im sorry but i am a full time working mom of 2 boys 3 and 1 and im due in dec with baby boy #3 so its very frustrating she gets jealous of when my kids go to there other grandparents houses and says that they should be home and not there etc etc so i know how you feel. try asking hubby to say something mine did and it kinda worked a little!!

best of luck

D. (london oh)