Husband and Mother -In -Law Issues...

First things first... your children should be handling their responsibilities as though your mother-in-law is not even there. After all, what did they do before she came, and what will they do when she leaves? My four oldest kids, ages 5, 6, 7, and 9 are all involved in sports, and other extra-curricular activities. I know we have been spending 4 nights a week and Saturdays at the ball field for some time now. But I have not allowed my children to neglect their chores. The are still expected to make their beds, put away laundry, clean their rooms, help clean the kitchen after dinner, etc. And of course they MUST keep up with homework and studying as well. Yes, I let something slide now and then, and pick my battles, but they are learning how to balance work and play--an important skill for the future.

As far as your mother-in-law is concerned, I am appalled by some of the responses you have received. My question is this? Would this even be an issue if it was you OWN mother instead? I mean if it was your mother, but with all of the same behaviors and opinions of you MIL? Why is it so easy to pass judgment just because it's HIS mother? If the roles were reversed, how would you react if he made the same accusations/remarks about YOUR mother? These are the questions I would ask myself before talking to your husband. I agree with Ana G... this is the perfect opportunity for you to show your husband how much you love him, and how much respect you have for the woman who raised him. Also, you are setting an example for your children to follow. Yes, one day you will be the MIL and sadly there is always the chance that you could one day be in the same situation as your MIL. How would you want to be treated? We all want to say how we would act or what we would do in anothers situation, but the truth is that we don't know know until we have walked a mile in that persons shoes, so to speak.

My advice is to ask yourself these questions, then choose your words wisely. Discuss this with both your MIL and husband at a time when you are calm and in control, not when you are frustrated or angry. But remember, your MIL deserves the same amount of respect and care that you would bestow on your own mother; she is no less of a mother/woman just because she is HIS mother and not YOURS.

Good luck! And God Bless!

WOW, you are in a very delicate situation. From what I read, you do not seem to be unreasonable in your request; you just want her to pitch in around the house.
I have two suggestions:
When you get a few responses, print them and give them to your husband to read. Maybe reading this will allow him to process the information at his own speed and without you confronting him. He will not be on the defensive and will hopefully listen to what he is reading. It worked for my husband when we had an issue about my sons eating habits.
If he refuses to listen to reason, then you need to take some time for yourself. Go visit your mom and leave him to manage the kids and his mom on his own. This may be a little harsh, but sometimes people need to get the virtual bonk on the head to see what is right in front of them.
Whatever you do, do not let your anger and resentment build because that will ruin your happy marriage. Keep pushing and talking because once you stop then the real problems will start.

Good Day,
Just a thought-express your thoughts & feelings in a letter to your husband and your MIL... Maybe once it is on paper, they can see themselves! Most grandmothers are happy to help around the house and with their grand kids! Especially such wonderful ones! If MIL is so put out by helping with minor chores or household bills- then maybe your husband should help her find a nice quiet, room for rent-so she will not be disturbed. I had similar issues with my mother in law when I married my husband, and I just put my foot down. Trust me,my hubby was a mommas' boy, but now he is my man! You can only be expected to handle just so much. Hope your husband will understand just how stressed this situation is! God Bless You S.!
Sincerely,
Kathy N.

Hello S.... I totally sympathize with your situation... I think ALL of you, minus the mother-in-law, should go spend some time with your family for a long weekend, if at all possible. Have your mother or sibling bring up the mom-in-law situation when the kids are in bed and when there are other family members present. TRUST ME. Whenever someone else puts their 2 cents in to my husband he listens to them, even if it is THE EXACT THING I HAVE SAID OVER & OVER AGAIN!!! For some reason my husband never heard me when I had issues with my brother-in-law, but when my mother and brother, whom my hubby loves, said what I had been saying, the lighbulb finally when on and a couple days later he said something to me about the situation! lol

Good luck, been in that boat!

Hi I would just think of this as a passing thing and not let it get you upset. I can understand wanting the help, but if she wasn't there you wouldn't have her help anyway. I would respect your husband and find a way to work around this. I would be PRAYING alot. I am an army wife, my hubby is on his 3rd tour. I can understand wanting help. Sometimes we have to figure it out by ourselves :) You can do this. It is definetly not worth tearing your marriage down. If your hubby says no follow his lead. In the end you will be even more appreciated by him!!! In Christ's Love, K.

FIND HER A JOB!!! (as if THAT was so easy) Don't ask your husband for support in the mommy subject. You'll only be victimizing the woman. Your children already have chores and I congratulate you all on that. Keep it up. As for the "add on", ask her directly for help on whatever you need. Chopping veggies, sorting washloads (or you sort and she washes)whatever YOU need. Take a break, now and whenever you need one. You are a working mom and you definitely are nor sitting around on your butt. Good luck.

These issues are never easy. In our house the rule was always "everyone who lives here works here". Unless she is paying you five star hotel rates (in which case she can go get a place of her own) she pitches in an helps out too. Everyone is tired at the end of a day, and we not so young people tire out faster, thats not only life, but what keeps us alive. The house is just as much yours as his and you have a right to be happy in your own home.

You didn't mention why you can't speak to your mother in law directly about these issues, but perhaps the best way to approach it is with all three of you there for "meetings" or "weekly planning" to avoid any misunderstandings.

I wish you the best of luck, and listen to YOUR mother, take a week off to refresh and regroup. :)

Hi S.,

I understand the mother in law living with you... My mother in law just moved in with us last week and is currently looking for a job as well. BUT my MIL does everything around here because she APPRECIATES that we are providing her with food, shelter, etc while she's down on her luck... She has been making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for us. She does our laundry and watches my 2.5 year old son if I want to run errands. Your mother in law ( in my opinion) should be doing the same things that mine is doing. If you are working (or even if your not) she needs to play a role in doing chores like just the rest of you.
Breathe! Have a "house meeting". Write down your points so you don't forget them as you go and try and remain calm.. I was TOTALLY expecting the worst case scenario when mine moved in but it turned out to be great. Don't get me wrong, it is stressful around here because it's a full house but it's working "for now"....
GOOD LUCK!!! And remember it's YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the advice your mom gave you iis great. I also had problems with
My mother in law and it took me 4 years to realize that my husband would
Always defend her. So I had 2 choices either live with it or do something
About it. I think you leaving without him is a good idea and he might realize
That you are serious and that he needs to do something about his mom
Hope this helps and good luck.

I've had my share of marital problems to include the step kids and his family. Just hold on! I also have changed to someone I don't recognize. They just don't get until its gone, so go ahead and take that trip. It may spark something in him. I had to hit my husband over the head w/a bat a few times. You know what, nothing really changes much, choose your battles. I have a friend who is so diplomatic in the way she handles her husband but not all of us have that gift. Best wishes.

i understand the stress, but maybe the kids are involved in to much if they don't have time for their chores. and before the MIL moved in who walked the dog during the day?
what was your expectation of your MIL responsibilities before she moved in?

S.-- I know this situation is really frustrating, but maybe you could try this tactic: what if you sat your mother-in-law down and told her that you were so happy she was there to spend more time with the kids. Maybe lay it on a little thick and say that it's so nice to have another woman around the house who knows what it's like to be a busy mom. And then maybe solicit her help in a way that she might respond well to? For example, maybe there's some recipe that she makes that your husband really loves, and maybe tell her that your son LOVES her pot roast (or whatever), and would she mind making it for dinner? Because yours just isn't as good (wink, wink). And maybe ask her for help with other things in a way that lets her feel like her contributions make a difference in some way, so maybe then she'll be more open to helping? (Notice I say "maybe" a lot in this message because I guess it all depends on her personality.) But I'm wondering if you try to make her feel like she's really a big help and adding a lot to the family, then maybe she'll actually enjoy helping out. It's so nice to feel appreciated. And your husband will be so happy because the two women he loves most are getting along! Maybe it's worth a try?

I would put my foot down with both your hubby and his mother. I would tell her --first-- these are your kids and you will raise them as you see fit...and yes, I agree that every child needs down time!! Chores to learn..yes--but only in a degree that isn't going to interfere with them being kids.

I would tell her that this is your home, and respect is a requirement. That she is living here, and that means she has responsibilities too. If she is home all day, there is no reason why she can't walk the dog.

And taking a break to see your mom sounds like a good idea to me. If you are burnt out, you can't be the best mom in the world, wife in the world, or daughter-in-law in the world. We all need breaks. i would figure out a way to do it...even telling hubby that if you don't take a break, you will go nutz--and that's only going to make his life harder....or tell him that she will have a time limit on how much longer she can stay. If he doesn't like that, then tell him that things have to change--this is YOUR home and you should never be the one who is uncomfortable.

TALK to both your hubby and her at the same time. Turn around and say--"The way things have been going is not working--let's work something out so that this works better." Bring out a "chore chart" and have everyone's name on it...you, kids, hubby, MIL...everyone...and then write down who does what. She is living there! She is not in a nursing home, so she obviously can do the work.
Then have another chart or piece of paper with the rules...so that no matter what, no-one can say they didn't know. Make sure you add such rules as "Mom and Dad will determine chores/rules/fill in the blank of the children, and MIL's suggestions will be kept in consideration, but final say is Mom or Dad" make sure she knows that YOU are the parents, not her.

again, just my opinion--I am very strict in the whole "This is my home, and you are a guest" "Do not disrespect me in my home" "Everyone in the house helps with the running of the home"

Goodness, even my two year old has to clean his room, bring his dishes to the counter when done eating, and help keep the play room picked up.

i wish you luck!! And remember! You are equal to your hubby and have a voice too in how things are done! :)

when ur all talked out you pray!!!! honestly, prayer is the only thing that works. pray for your peace & sanity, for your husband to actually hear what ur saying and for your mother-n-law to get her own life. with prayer the peace will come really fast and u'll have the patience to deal w/the later.
good luck & God Bless you & ur family

I would definitely go to see your mom for a week. It will give you time to clear your head. You can even tell your husband you would prefer to go alone (without him) because you really want to think about the situation as you are uncomfortable with how you are feeling about it. Not that your pissed and "I'm outta here", but just you need space to think. You are taking charge of your emotions instead of letting them control you, thats a good thing.

Also, I think its important to remember your family was handling all the family responsibilites before she came into your home. If she is making additional work for you then I think thats one line that can not be crossed. Thats being rude. The idea that she's not helping out additional is inconsiderate but not an obligation. You can take the high road on that one and show your husband how much you love him by taking in his Mom as your guest. If you had a guest over you would not expect them to do chores, just think of it like that, that's probably how your husband is seeing it. Just a very long staying guest :> One day at a time, One day at a time, One day at a time ;>

This is a way to show your husband how much you love him... who cares if she doesnt appreciate it, its him you care about! Show him what a great woman he married!

Good luck and remember it's all about how you look at a situation!

A.

He's being pretty pig-headed and non-communicative with you. Your mother-in-law is acting selfish and should be grateful for your generosity and offer some assistance, instead of complaining about folding some laundry. Pitiful.
You mention being active in church. Sit down with one of the deacons or counselors if not your pstor and get some professional/spiritual advice and get your husband in there separately, then you go jointly. Ask them to provide you both with a worksheet to consider and break through this sound barrier. And for the stupid emails, block her account and/or report as spam.
A vacation at mom's sounds like a good idea. Your husband would have to live with his ungrateful mother and come home to a pig stye (or you know, she just may clean the house and have dinner ready for him...wouldn't that be the icing on the cake...)
Blessings

I don't think it is unreasonable for her to have a small list of chores to do every week. Let her decide what she likes to do & have that become her resonsibility. Same thing for the kids, they need a small list of chores too, no matter how involved they are. I also don't think you would mind the emails so much if you knew things were getting done at home. I assume that she had to do her own housework where she used to live & she also had a job. You might want to make sure your husband knows that if it were your mother, you would also expect the same from her. If he is completely unresponsive to the small list, then maybe it is time for marriage counseling?

There is something about a man and his mother... It sounds like your husband has turned a blind eye to Mommy-Dearest. I would say that it is time to have a serious discussion with him and after that, a discussion with all three of you. You and your husband need to set up some jointly agreed upon ground rules for his mother. But first you have to open his eyes to what is really happening. Present yourself in a calm, but firm way. Take notes if you need help staying on track, but cover all the things that you know for a fact are happening and that bother you. Be sure not to exaggerate anything so that you don't loose creditability. This conversation may cause some headbutting, but do your best to become a united front. Then you should confront his mother together. Let her know that a few things have to change and inform her of her new role in your house. She might not like it, but she is not the head of this household - you and your husband are. She either conforms to reasonable requests or be confronted with consequences that you and your husband agree upon. Yes this may cause a family "ruffle" for a bit - but better that than loose your sanity, after all your family counts on you to be there for them.

Good luck.

Your kids are old enough to take care of their own stuff. My 4 and 3 yr old have their own responsibilites. As long as she's taking care of her mess, what's the big deal?? Your mother in law raised and supported your husband.
I say, go home for a week. My husband is in the military and I don't have family around either so it's nice to go get away for a bit. I'm getting ready to go home for a few weeks without my husband. My husband loves my family as well, and hates being away from us, but he knows I need a break. I'm sure if you explain why you need to go he'll understand!

Wow! I truly can feel your frustration. While I agree that children need to learn responsibility - your husband is allowing himself to be manipulated by his mother. He needs to understand that while she is his mother you and the kids is where his first loyalty needs to go to.

Well I work for myself I am not sure where you are - if you are in my area and you took that day off I would be happy to meet for coffee or lunch so you can vent.

I would try (and make sure the timing is right) to maybe go for a walk with your hubby and first edify him and his mother (all positive) and then tell him how his actions are affecting you. And if you are feeling it I am sure the kids are feeling it too.

I will keep you in my prayers.

:)

A.

S.,

Hi, I think that Eileen who posted just before me has a really good suggestion. I like her response and the resolves she presented that are like efforts toward "mediations" that will work for all. My suggestion is consider her response and to pray. Pray for yourself because all of this turmoil is going to take you away from yourself. It will turn you into an ugly person that you do not like. Hey, She's there, and since your hubby feels she should not be working around the house, does he also forcast you all sheltering her forever? I would take that day off and help her to look for that job. that day, I would break only thirty minutes for lunch with her. Your husband cannot see that he is being permissive and creating a problem. In time he will feel the brunt of it, and he will be understanding of what you are undertaking now. Ask the Lord to open his eyes to your plight and to place reasoning and understanding in his heart for you. There is a reason for this trial, but you can have the victory if you just wait on the Lord. I know, meanwhile she is stirring up small fires like the laundry thing. Just smile when your husband reports to you she folded the kids clothes all day and tell him, "Honey, she is being a big help, I appreciate all that she did folding them, it allowed me to take care, dishes, bed making, meals, etc., this reminds him that your chores did not stop because she is there and that one thing she did is nothing compared to all other tasks. Be sweet to your husband and give him extra attention especially while mommy is there. He is your husband, but he is her, little boy.