Mother of Thirteen Year Old and Neighbor Alpha Girl

Hi K.,
you were right to apologize. I have two teenage girls and the drama never stops. I also believe it was rude of the girls but they are young. I would not reply to email and just let things work themselves out. Good luck.

If you want, you can ignore what just happened, but it may be an important time to teach your daughter some assertiveness. She should have said, sure I'll go that will be fun. Especially if she wanted to go and if she wanted to spend time with the other girl. Then she needs to make friends of her own and invite them places. Some kids are scared to invite kids over or to do things because they may be rejected, but she needs to start playing alpha and invite kids to do things. You need to have her friends over and be the cool house in town. That way she will be more comfortable with her peers. If she doesn't start now, it will be a most uncomfortable middle school and high school experience.

Why don't you try to get your daughter involved in activities where she could meet and make new friends?
At 13 you think your immediate circle is the whole world.
Maybe broadening her (your daughter's) horizons will open her eyes to the bigger picture and she won't take these slights so seriously?
Also, if she joins a group or team or some activity that interest her she will already have something in common with most of the other kids in there.
Good luck. and stop carting that brat around if she's just going to mean to your daughter. lol. My personal opinion there. ;P

I understand the responses and I do agree it was rude for them to discuss the movies in front of your daughter, however, I think as adults it is time for us to look at the bigger picture.
Unfortunately, our daughters/sons must learn that they will not be invited to everything, every time and can not cry about it. Yes, it is hard to see our kids' feelings get hurt, but we also must prepare them for real life. A better way to handle these matters is to have a heart to heart with your daughter and help her engage in other activities and other friendships. I don't think calling a child on the phone is ever the way to go. In any case, speak to the mother who may have helped teach her own daughter a lesson about discussing matters in the right time and place. I know our instinct is to protect our kids at all costs, but I think a small issue has become a mountain of pain your daughter will pay for in the long run. Not to mention, neither girl learned anything from this situation.

Just my thoughts. I would let the whole thing go and focus on the future. Hopefully everyone can make up soon and learn from the past! Good luck. D.

I think kids will learn as they get older how to be discreet in their plans if they don't include everyone. If the neighbors and other girls seem to exclude your daughter from their activities all the time it's time for your daughter to find new friends. But if it was a one time thing maybe they planned on seeing a movie your daughter didn't want to see and she was upset that they were going out without her.
13 is such a tough age as I'm sure you can remember. I agree with what someone else said and trying to get your daughter into other activities.
Has the neighbor girl and the others done things that are really mean to your daughter and been cruel to her? If so that's when I think it's time to speak to the other girls parents.
Good luck with everything.

Hi K.,
I think with insensitive people (not just kids) like this - it will ALWAYS be the other person who is bad, not them. They'll never see it - OR they see it, and secretly like it. My recommendation would be to let it go, have a heart-to-heart with your daughter about how she does not need to continue hanging out with this girl just because she is a neighbor. At 13 years of age, she's ready to branch out and find kids who her own interests and values and not just hang out with someone who is conveniently in her neighborhood. Sorry, you're not wrong, but it will be easier for you to let it going knowing you are right and your daughter needs new friends.

It is extremely common to come across parents who make you feel as though their child can do no wrong and any wrong doing is on your child's part. I do not recall it happening so much when I was a child myself but have seen it becoming more and more common as the generations progress, unfortunately. Since this is happening with your oldest, I would encourage her to open her mouth to the neighbor girl and let her know when she says or does something that hurts her feelings. After all, as much as we would love to always be there to protect the children we love in our lives, we can't always be and need to teach them how to stand up for themselves. Good luck!

Wow girls can be mean!! I almost never respond on mamasource but this time... OK first I would explain to my daughter that this kind of struggle with friends (and neighbors/coworkers etc.!) is an ongoing life-long struggle. We all go through this and we all have insecurities. Another hard hard lesson is that people will disappoint you. The hardest part is the rude part where they discussed things in front of your daughter. It plain hurts. But with teenagers it probably is an attempt to set up a pecking order.
I am reading a book called The Second Family. It is not fun to read but I think if you have a 13 and an 11 year old then you should read it. Sounds like your daughter's friend is trying to position herself higher by "dissing" your kid.
Good luck!! I really recommend the book!!

It doesnt sound as though that Mom in anyway showed sympathy or concern for your daughter's feelings. Did she act as though the hurt was all on her side and that you both were all in the wrong? In which case you have been alpha-mommed as well.

It is NOT okay for someone to treat you or your daughter as though all the wrong was imagined. SOMETHING happened to make your daughter feel left out. The best thing you can do about that is reinforce for your daughter to TRUST AND RESPECT her feelings: her emotions count, her feelings are not imagined, if someone hurts her feelings SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO HER FEELINGS.

There are a couple of wonderful opportunities here:

1. Strengthen your support for your daughter, point out what you did wrong: TRYING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS WAS NOT WRONG. true it would have been better to communicate them with the mom directly and trying to work out a solution together. Talk about what you could have done differently and what you would do in future to support her. Emphasize that you won't run to her defense and give her the SPACE to talk about the fall out knowing you won't do anything without discussing it with her first. Because there will be fall out. And it will be a growing experience for you both.

2. Model for her how to deal with an alpha-person, ie Alpha-Mom. She completely took control of the situation and indicated that you are at fault. Never mind acknowledging or being supportive of a situation any Mom would hate to be in. How can you be true to your feelings. If you feel you need to send one last email stating that your disappointed not to be given more support by another mom, do it. If it means just disassociating yourself form this mom, do it. But Model for yourself and your daughter what is the best response to dealing with someone who DID NOT acknowledge your daughter's feelings. You are your daughter's champion. That's what alph Mom did, she championed her daughter. And fine she has that right, but a friend or even an understanding mom would have commiserated and offered support. Obviously you felt you had a relationship with the daughter to be able to talk to her directly. So don't knock yourself down too much about that.

The key thing to remember is communicate and distance. Communicate your feelings and your daughters to the appropriate person then distance yourself from the alphas. BUT DO NOT DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM YOUR DAUGHTER AT THIS CRUCIAL TIME. She needs support. Even if it's a sounding board and someone to bounce her ideas back and forth on.

If you sort of step back now you are essentially leaving your daughter to deal with a situation you made worse by communicating to the wrong person. Hear this, there was nothing wrong with your communicating your concern. IF YOU FELT THE NEED TO STEP IN, RESPECT THIS FEELING. Respect your own feelings. You must have felt enough was enough. Start there. Then talk about how you can be supportive in future. Strategize with your daughter. Make it a team effort.

Dont distance yourself from the situation, your daughter needs support. Distance yourself from the alphas. Look at it as the best lesson your giving yourself and your daughter. Neither one of you needs people like that, network elsewhere.

It's time for both you and your daughter to move on. Someone who doesnt care about her or your feelings isn't a friend.

Good luck and let us know how it works out,

I don't have any advice except kids can be mean especially teenage girls for some reason can get to be very nasty. Just tell your daughter to ignore her and that the girl isn't really her friend if she was she would have invited her and I wouldn't be carting your neighbors daughter around anymore if it were me I wouldn't want someone that rude around my kids.

Hi K.,
I would have done the same as you, I would have called the girl also. I have done it. And it blew up in my face too! You live and learn. Your daughter will make new nice friends that don't act like that. I believe the other child acted like that because she was probably jealous anyways, usually rude behavior is learned at home. I would ignore the email, let the other mama bear cool off. Good luck!

Hi K.,
Sorry I dont have any words of advise, but I will confirm that that woman is rude as is her child...that mother should have spent some time talking to you and seeing why you felt the need to talk to her daughter about how rude she was....girls can be so mean :( I have a five year old and they are mean at 5! While it is hard this is also a good time to teach your daughter how to teach people to treat her..what to allow and what not to allow and maybe suggest that she foster relationships with people that think about her feelings just a little bit...and it sounds like this mother has no idea how to teach her child how to respect other s feelings as she was just as insensitive to you...mean people suck :( Anyway, probably best to let it lie and remind her at later date when rude girl wants someone to hang out with again that yup..shes rude and that she maybe can learn how do deal with rude adults by knowing these people...there life lesson all rolled in one :) And yes, I wouldve handled it the same way and wouldve been upset too. Best of luck to you.
Take care.
C.
C.

K.,

I do not have neighbors like this...YET. :) My girls are still pretty young, but I know where you are coming from. My daughter has been having some issues with kids on the bus and they are just cruel, it's tough for me to get invovled because it's happening on the school bus and I do not have direct contact with these kids parents, and I certainly can't go onto to the bus and start asking questions ha-ha, I don't want to scare these kids. :) But I think that where your child is 13, that everything would have worked itself out. The over bearing need for us to protect our children will always be there, no doubt about that, but at some point, we've got to let our kids deal with some situations on their own, this being one of them. I don't think that it should become this huge issue between the neighbors and yourself, I think it should be let go, apologies exchanged and call it a day. This could possibly make things worse for your daughter...remember, kids are cruel, especially girls. I wish you luck in this and hope it just goes away for you all.

I'm sure it must have been painful for you to see your daughter excluded from plans, and that is what caused you to act in a way that you have recognized as inappropriate (calling the neighbour that you are calling Alpha girl).

The advice I am moved to give you is to try to see Alpha girl's mother's side and realize that perhaps her actions toward you were also motivated by the same feelings of instinctive protection toward her daughter. She might have felt that you, a grownup, unreasonably and inappropriately attacked her daughter and got her back up (the way you did).

I'm not defending her actions or saying that her behaviour was justified or appropriate, I'm just encouraging you to have some compassion and understanding for why she might have done what she did.

Maybe it's best that you two families (girls/mothers) lie low from each other for a while, including car pooling, etc., until this blows over, if it ever does. Encourage your daughter to strengthen other friendships with girls who are inclusive, not exclusive; and for her to be inclusive, now that she knows how painful it is to be excluded from plans.

Middle school years are tough; keep your chin up.

I am the 29 year old version of your daughter. Growing up I lived on a small cul-de-sac with three children exactly my age- 2 boys and a girl. The girl was catty, vindictive, and outright mean at times. She would invite other children over to play, play with them on the side of her yard that abutted ours and then as I'd skip over to join she'd tell me that I was "not allowed on her property" and that "maybe" they'd play with me later. Let me tell you that it did an absolute number on my self esteem. Some weeks she was my best friend and other weeks she wouldn't even talk to me. Right around 13 I branched out a bit more and made some new friends in middle school. One of my new friends and I got into some mischeif on Halloween and sprayed silly string in the mean girl's bushes. As I mentioned before, the street was pretty small and it didn't take long for people to figure out what had happened. My mother was mortified. She wanted me to call and apologize and then clean it up. My father on the other hand said there was no love lost there and it was for the better. He encouraged my mom to let the kids work it out. As a mother now, if it had been my daughter who made the mess, I probably would have forced her apologize and clean it up for my own ego. However my mom made a different decision. She let it go and you know what- it truely was for the better. I did offer to help clean up the mess but the girl refused the offer. In the end we just stopped talking. As soon as I stopped associating with her, I blossomed. I became a much more confident young woman. I made new friends- people who actually cared about me and liked me for who I am. As odd as it sounds, breaking the ties was a real turning point in my personal growth. If I were in your situation (and I'm sure I will be as I also have a very sensitive but young daughter); I would do my best to encourage other friendships. Disassociating with that girl was honestly one of the best decisions I've ever made, even if it wasn't the best approach!

This is such a tough age when they are in transition from childhood to adulthood. We want them to become more independent, but we want to protect them too. We want them to stand up for themselves, but when they can't or won't, we want to step in.

I agree that the alpha girl seemed rude by not including your daughter. If there was a previous text, your daughter might not have gotten it. (Or, maybe it never happened and they're just telling you it did.) One of the problems with all the texting and IM'ing and emailing is, people don't develop verbal and conversational skills. Educators are publishing articles about how today's kids have brains that a truly wired differently, affecting their learning styles, because of all the electronics.

If your daughter was hurt and unable to express herself, then it's reasonable to assume that the alpha girl has the same problems expressing HERSELF. So, having you as an adult engage the alpha girl in discussion or debate would have her at a disadvantage. Her mother, quite naturally, spoke up. This doesn't mean that the girl was polite or that your daughter wasn't hurt - it means that there's an imbalance if having you talk directly to the girl. I agree with the other mother that your should have gone thru her - if you got involved at all. The other mother took this as an attack on her own parenting as well as an attack on her child. That might not be what you intended, but it's how she took it. I'm sure you tried to be very reasonable, but I don't want somebody engaging my child who might not be reasonable at all. So there has to be a rule about parents instructing other people's children. It's different if it happens when you're right there and you have to intervene, but calling her later on meant that you had time to think about it. It might have been more effective to engage the other mother in some brainstorming about kids in general rather than taking on her kid. I wasn't there, but I wonder if it would have been possible to say, "Oh is this a big movie date that a lot of people are going to, or is it limited? Do you kids need rides? Maybe I can help drive." It might have made the girl think about how it sounded or it might have elicited the info that your daughter had been texted already (if she really was). It also models polite conversation and ways to include others. They'll learn - we hope! - from examples set by others.

But, that said, it's really hard to let kids sort out their own lives. We lead busy lives and we want to fix things quickly so we can move on to the next thing. And of course we don't want to see our kids get hurt. All we can do as they get older is try to strengthen their skills, let them maybe role-play some scenarios, and help them learn to choose friends wisely. How much more empowering for your child to become a sort of alpha girl herself (in a positive way) but saying "Let's all go" or "Let's not exclude anyone", and take the lead in modeling terrific behavior!

Good luck with the kids and with your business! I have a home-based business as well - it's great to be my own boss!

Even labeling this girl as Alpha is giving her control and power over the social situations. There's not much to stop this other girl from telling friends about you, and that could come back on your daughter. Doesn't mean you're entirely in the wrong, but it's the reality.

I think it's really important that we give our kids, especially our daughters, the skills to stand up for themselves and not wait for someone else to bail them out. They can practice this with their friends - try to assess why they like and want to be with the person who is hurting them, how they can stop the behavior by intervening earlier rather than enduring the pain and embarrassment for longer and longer while wishing it would just occur to the offender to stop, and so on. This later becomes a skill in protecting against an abusive boyfriend or husband, standing up for herself on the job where she might be paid less than a man, and so on. It also helps in working with teachers to discuss a bad grade - being able to talk to someone whom you perceive to be on a different level (older, more powerful, more popular) is really so important.

I thinking your idea of letting it just lie for a while is the best. It will blow over and there will be some new crisis du jour to take its place.

Welcome to the joy of neighborhood teenage children! lol... My daughter is 13 (one month shy of 14). I totally can relate with you because we have had this love/hate thing going on in our neighborhood for the past 5 years. These kids have been friends for 11 years! The only advice I can really give you is to let them work it out...As long as there is no violence etc....I totally understand your feelings, how you feel bad for your daughter and to sit there and be quiet is sometimes the hardest thing, but they need to learn to work it out...and they will, even if it takes months. In the long run, you are going to end up having words with the other parent (which you did) and then the kids will end up friends and it will be awkward between you and your neighbor. My advice would be to support your daughter in her decisions, make sure she knows the inportance of being a good person/friend...and if she is feeling badly etc, maybe cultivate other friendships with some 'nicer' kids.

Hang in there, it's hard, sometimes you think it would just be easier to move. It'll work out...
D.

Sorry to say, but I feel like your neighbor is right. You can't fight your daughter's battles. You are just setting her up for teasing, embarrassment and more. What you can do is give your daughter a strong and respectful voice, to speak up for what she wants and believes in.