Moving and Starting over in a New State Alone

Updated on January 30, 2017
S.L. asks from Hamilton, OH
6 answers

I am 40-years old and I have decided that I would like to move to a new state. I have a 21 -year old daughter that is in college and will be graduating with her associates at the end of this year. My daughter recently told me she is ready to live on her own and get an apartment while pursuing her Bachelors. I think this would be the perfect opportunity for me to move to a new state. I've never been married, nor have lived in any other place other than Ohio. I work full-time as a case manager and I am currently pursing my Master's. I will be graduating at the end of this year as well. For so long, it's just been her and I. The problem is I am a little afraid of leaving her because my family is not really close and there isn't anyone that I can trust or know that will be there for her like I have been. I would like to move either to Seattle or California, but I am afraid that it would be too much distance away from my daughter. I was thinking of possibly moving no more than two states over so that it can be a closer drive. If things work well in the next couple of years I can move out further. I'm also afraid because I will be moving alone and I am an introvert, but I am very ambitious. Any tips on how I can pursue my dreams without worrying about my daughter? How can I develop relationships and involve myself in new social organizations in order to meet others after I move?

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice. I think I will stick around for an extra year to see how my daughter adjusts to living on her own. I definitely will not leave unless I have a job lined up. Although my daughter works part-time and I help her out financially, I do worry about her spending habits on shoes and fast food restaurants. As long as she goes to school full-time, the only thing she is responsible for is paying her car insurance and cell phone bill. I don't want her to move out on her own and then find herself in a place where she has to make a choice between working and going to school. I've been there and done that! I want her to complete school, but I also want to live my life and do things that I never was able to do.

More Answers

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Maybe you should wait 1 year after your daughter is living on her own.
After that, if you're confident you are both doing well in your own spaces, then you'll feel better about relocating.
It takes time to research new areas - climate/weather, housing costs, job availability (and that's a big one - you simply don't go anywhere without securing a job first).
You meet people through work and you take a class or get a hobby where you find people with similar interests.
Many do this through a church, or you volunteer once you're settled into your new job - which will also take time.
Have you considered moving to some place you'd like to be when you retire?
Or do you think you'd be ready to move again once you are ready to retire?
Maybe your child will move to be near you - or you might move to be where ever she ends up as you get older into your 60's or 70's.
There's a lot to think about, so take this year and do a thorough job of thinking through all your options.

Additional:
In order to move out - she needs to be independent financially or very close to it.
So she'd better start paying you rent so she gets in the habit of budgeting for it.
Share with her the info on what you go through to budget and pay bills - food, utilities, insurance (she'll need renters insurance), taxes, rent, etc - the whole shebang - let her know how much it all costs.
What she pays you in rent you can save for her and maybe present it as a lump sum or do something with it for her so she has a safety cushion in the bank.
She'll probably need (paying) room mates for awhile to make ends meet.
This might be manageable while she's in school or she might not be ready to be fully on her feet until she's graduated and full time employed.
Don't be in too much a rush to bail her out - this is practice now so she's not making long distance phone calls to you later with "Mom! I need money!".
You: "Yep, Honey! Don't we all!".

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K.C.

answers from Anchorage on

You've received great answers below. I just wanted to add that 4 years ago, I moved from Ohio to Alaska. I had lived in the Ohio area my entire life, and my husband and I picked up and moved with our daughter (who was 4 at the time). I am also an introvert. We moved here not knowing anyone, and leaving our entire families behind. My husband did a job lined up here (that was why we moved here). It has been one of the best decisions we ever made. We have made a great life here for ourselves. We made wonderful friends who have become like family to us. We love it here and have no plans to ever leave. Don't be afraid to make a change and start a new life somewhere else. It could turn out to be the best decision you ever made! Good luck!

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E.B.

answers from Beaumont on

Is your daughter super independent or a Mama's girl? The answer to that would guide my answer. You've got almost a year to plan but I don't think 2 states away would be helpful. If you're gone, you're gone. But you're only a plane ride away. I admire your bold move.

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I.C.

answers from Nashville on

I agree. Wait till your daughter has a year under her belt. That also gives you time to plan. I actually got divorced twenty years ago with no kids. I moved across the country and knew no one. I signed up for a class at college and met a few people. I then started going to events, book club, scrapbooking(expensive and boring), and concerts at churches. I ended up taking a job 4 hours away in six months and started all over. That time I bought a house and only met neighbors by working in my yard out front. I also walked 3 miles nightly and some started watching out for me.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

what a marvelous adventure for you!
you're a young woman, and living in a new state after being in ohio your whole life will be amazing. good for you.
the world is much smaller these days due to technology. it's not actually a huge possibility that your daughter will need you to be in physical proximity when she gets her own place. she WILL need your support and encouragement and love, all of which can easily be provided via technology.
but i do get where you're coming from. when my boys moved to baltimore, a little less than 2 hours away, it felt so far. but that was for me, not them.
and they DID come home a lot, so there was that.
but consider this- even if you move a state or two away, you're looking at a drive of a couple of hours at least if you have to get to her. about the same as a plane trip from CA or WA.
i think you should take the plunge and move where it is you actually want to go. your daughter is young, yes, but she's an adult and if she can do without you for the distance of a state, she can do without you for half the length of the country.
i'm excited for both of you!
khairete
S.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

I read your "So What Happened?" and have to agree. As someone who moved away (not too far, but about 3 hours away from home) for college, a year was more than enough time in the dorms to decide I was miserable and I moved back to my parents' home. Good thing they hadn't up and left somewhere else, I guess. I think it's a great idea to see how she acclimatizes to the college experience before moving away.

In the meantime, I would just stay put, to avoid moving around twice. After a year of researching the place you want to move to (I hope you have at least traveled there to see if it really IS your cup of tea? If not, this would be a great time!) and looking for jobs, as well as lining one up, I would think she'd be settled into her dorm and you can feel confident enough to move away and start your new life. I don't think waiting another year is too long, time flies!

As others said, you'd be a plane ride away if things do end up changing with her in a year so you can come visit, or she can come up and stay with you for a bit (like during summer break). Heck, maybe she will find the idea of California interesting enough to transfer to college there!

I also want to move from my city (though I may stay elsewhere in the state) when my daughter reaches college age, so good for you for being so independent! I'm also an introvert and worry about not knowing anyone if I move, but I'm sure you'll find some fun events in the area, like local concerts, hikes, yoga in the park, etc. to try out and meet people (or there's always volunteer opportunities you can sign up for, or meetup.com). You go girl!

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